by Mia Ford
Finally, the feelings subside and my breaths calm themselves down. My heart still pounds and my brain doesn’t get rid of the sexy images of me and Logan, but I become more myself. The animal inside of me is tamed for the time being, and all I have left is a smile on my face.
I do love Logan, I think to myself with utter clarity. I really do, I want him to be mine.
I slide my eyes closed again and I imagine his arms wrapping around me, holding me close to him while we lie down to sleep. That actually feels even better than what we just did which proves to me that I want it all. I want him to love me with absolutely everything that he has. I think he wants that too, but it might take him a little bit longer to admit it to himself.
Still, I’m here now with him, far away from the center. We’re together in his house, just one step away from becoming a couple if he allows that to happen. I really hope that he does.
***
The morning light streams through the window, alerting me to the morning. I must have forgotten to shut the curtains last night as I fell into bed in a hurry. I was so desperate to get some much needed relief, that nothing else mattered. It doesn’t bother me now though, I’m happy to be awake. I’m simply dragging myself away from dream Logan to be with the real him.
I swing my legs over the edge of the bed and stand in a much more rapid motion than usual. When I woke up at the center, I would lie still for a while and wait for everyone else to start being loud because it was the only moment of peace that I was ever offered in my life. Now though, I have all the peace I want in the world, and I don’t want any of it. I just want to see Logan.
I move towards the small mirror hanging on the wall and I stare at my reflection. My hair is manic, sticking all over the place, and my face is all imprinted with prints from the pillow case, but my expression is so damn happy that none of that matters. I look shiny and new. I don’t even mind going to see Logan while I look this way. I want him to know that this smile is all for him.
I tiptoe towards the bedroom door and press my ear up against it to see if I can hear noises. At first, it’s really silent, I think that Logan might still be asleep… or maybe he’s gone to work already, leaving me here all by myself. I don’t know if that’s better actually because it gives me some time to get adjusted, to make sure I’m actually acting like a normal person before I speak with him…
But as I swing the door open, I’m stunned by the image of him sitting at his kitchen counter staring at the laptop screen intently as if he’s looking for the answer to life in there. He doesn’t notice me at first which gives me a moment to lean against the door frame while I drink every inch of him in. He’s so damn gorgeous it hurts. It kills me that I can’t simply cross the room and put my arms around him.
“Oh.” All of a sudden, he senses me. “Pru, you’re up. Did you sleep well?”
“Yeah, I did,” I smile. “Your bed is really comfortable. Thank you for letting me stay here. I never would have been able to get any rest while sleeping in my bed at the apartment.”
He doesn’t say anything at first, he just stares back at the screen. I can’t help feeling disappointed that whatever he’s looking at seems to be so much more interesting than me. How is that fair? I’m standing here all flushed and excitable, happy for him, but he doesn’t even notice.
“Can I have some coffee, please?” I ask while striding into the kitchen. I’ll make my presence known in one way or another. “Is that okay?”
“Yeah sure,” he replied distractedly. “Then I want you to come and look at this. I think I might have found a new apartment for you.”
Chapter Seventeen – Logan
Pru’s expression turns to one of absolute horror. She reverts from the stronger, more confident woman that she’s slowly becoming to the scared young lady who doesn’t know what she’s doing with herself. I knew that her last apartment scared her, but this is something new, something else. This is an unbridled fear that seems to come from absolutely nowhere.
“I’ll make sure it isn’t in a bad neighborhood,” I reassure her. “And I’ll help you out again, there isn’t anything that you need to worry about. I will look after you, I promise. Honestly, Pru, you must know by now that I’m not going to just toss you out there to deal with this on your own.”
Pru clutches the empty mug between her fingers, staring up at me desperately. “Logan, I can’t.” She shakes her head rapidly. “I can’t do that, I don’t want to move out.”
I narrow my eyes and try to work out what the hell is going on with her. When the fear completely floods her face, I close the laptop and bite down on my bottom lip. “Pru, what’s going on here? What are you trying to say? I’m doing my best to help you out but I can’t if I don’t know what you want to do. You can either go back to your apartment and try again, get a new one, or go back to the center and it seems to me that the last thing you want to do is go back.”
“No, I definitely don’t want to go back… to the center or my apartment.”
“Okay, so then we’ll have to look for something new. You have to live somewhere.”
“Can’t I stay here?” she asks in a small tone of voice. “I like it here, I feel safe. I like being here with you, Logan, it’s the only time out in the city that I’m not scared.”
A weird hollow feeling crushes my chest. After the kiss that we shared last night, one that definitely shouldn’t have happened, we cannot stay in the same house together. It’s a recipe for disaster. It was bad enough anyway, but now it’s utterly terrifying. I want to keep her here, of course I do, I would love nothing more than to watch over her all the time, but I have already proven to myself that I can’t do it. If I had the strength to stop myself from kissing her back then maybe I would be able to agree now, but I didn’t so now I can’t. I hate myself for it, but what choice do I have left? I’m going to have to disappoint her now so that we can both be free later on.
“You know that you can’t, Pru,” I say with a shake of my head. “It isn’t appropriate.”
“I’m not asking to stay forever.” She’s almost begging me now, she’s so desperate for me to agree that it’s hard to resist. “Just for a little while so I can get on my feet. Just while I… I start my new job and work out more about the city. I’ve been locked away for so long, I just need… I need some time. I need to get adjusted, this is all so… so new to me. Once I get used to it, I’ll be fine.”
Her desperation tugs at my heart strings, it churns up all my emotions and leaves me stuck and confused. I don’t know what to think now, it’s all so messy. I don’t want to turn her away and make her life spiral, but I can’t do this. It isn’t right. Even if there wasn’t all this underlying weirdness there, it still isn’t right. I need to keep a professional distance at all times.
“I understand that, Pru, but you must see why this is a tough situation for me.”
“I know, I know.” Tears ball up in the corner of her eyes and I feel dreadful. “I know that I’m asking you to do too much for me, and that I shouldn’t but I’m scared. I’m trying so hard to step out into this bravely, but it isn’t as easy and straightforward as I thought it was going to be.”
I turn away from Pru, knowing that if I keep staring at her I’ll crack, but still her face imprints in my mind. I can see the intense sadness, the horror, the hurt that she’s experiencing, it’s written all over her face like the pages of a tragic book. I promised to be the person to make this easier for her, and now I’m ripping the rug out from underneath her feet just as I put it there. I know that I should for myself, but it isn’t as simple as that. I mean, how truly important is my job if I can’t follow it right through to the very end? What sort of man does that make me?
“It would only be until I get settled, I promise you that,” she says with a quiet voice. “I wouldn’t want to impose on you. I know you’ve already done so much for me.”
I sigh loudly, breathing out my nose with frustration. There’s a piece of my heart that’s cracking
and shattering into millions of shards. My head and heart wrestles and I let them duke it out for a while. I need to make the smart choice, not just the emotional one because I have an unhealthy attachment to Pru. But despite all my protests, my heart eventually wins me around.
“Pru, if I let you stay here we have to… we must keep our distance from one another, do you understand that?” I cling onto the side to hold myself up. “We have to behave.”
“What do you mean?” she asks, in a much too innocent voice. “Behave?”
“I mean we can’t do anything like last night,” I continue through gritted teeth. “We can’t act like that around one another. It isn’t right, it isn’t proper. You must understand that.”
Pru doesn’t answer me and a thick silence clings to the air. I don’t turn around at first because I don’t want to see the expression on her face. I’m hurting her, probably breaking her heart, but it’s for the best. At least if she’s here I can oversee everything and make sure that she doesn’t do anything crazy in the long haul to get over me. And she will get over me in the end. It might take her longer if she stays here, but it’ll be fine in the end. She’s much stronger than she knows.
“Pru?” I ask, while tilting me head slightly. “Do you understand what I’m saying?”
Still she says nothing, so I’m forced to turn back to see her. She hops from foot to foot, something that I’ve noticed she does when she gets nervous. My arms instinctively reach out to wrap around her, but I stop them at the last minute and I allow them to fall by my sides. That’s just the sort of shit that I was talking about, the stuff I really cannot do with Pru. I just need to keep away.
“I do understand what you’re saying,” she says with a sorrowful voice. “And I know that you’re right. Last night was… it was my fault. I never should have… well, you know. I just wanted you to know how grateful I was. For letting me stay here and stuff. It didn’t mean… anything.” She’s lying, we both know that. “I won’t step out of line again. I just want to be somewhere I feel safe.”
I can’t turn her down, I’ve never been very good at letting Pru down and it seems that this is the same right now. Even when absolutely everything is on the line I can’t say no.
“And another thing, you cannot let anyone know that you’re here, do you understand? I can’t risk losing out on my job because I’ve allowed you to stay here. Your official address will be your apartment, okay?” I know I’m being firm, but that feels necessary to me right now.
“Of course, I won’t tell anyone. It’ll be our little secret.” She delights in sharing a secret with me, but I try to ignore that. I also have to ignore the way it makes me feel inside too. “I’ll be good, I promise you and I’ll be out before you can ever get into any trouble. Thank you, Logan.”
She takes a step closer to me which instantly makes me bolt up. The chasm of distance between us needs to be even bigger than ever. “I have to go to work,” I remind her. “But you don’t start today, do you?” She shakes her head rapidly. “Okay, well you stay here today. Just keep out of view, okay? And I’ll try my hardest not to be late back.” I cock my head curiously at her. “Will you be okay? You can take a shower, watch TV, read any books I have, or use the laptop. There’s plenty of food in the fridge and there are drinks, so I’m sure there’s nothing you need to go out for…”
“I’ll be fine,” she reassures me. “Thank you, Logan. In fact, I’m going to take a shower right now. You… you have a good day at work and I’ll see you later on when you get home.”
I watch her skip from the room, all lightness now. She shimmies into my bathroom and I hear the water switch on. The idea that she’s about to strip down and step into my shower has my mouth salivating desperately. There’s a deep dark part of myself that wants to forget everything that I just said and to leap in the shower with her, to get that satisfaction that I’m so desperately craving, but I don’t. I force my feet to remain exactly where they are until it’s time for me to walk in the other direction, towards the door. I have to get to work, there isn’t any other option.
By the time I get into my car, the panting breaths are desperately falling out of my mouth. The danger of this damn crazy situation hits me even harder and I feel like I might actually fall apart. I bang my hands angrily against the steering wheel, hating myself for being so weak. Now I have to do the impossible. I have to go into work and act like all is okay. I have to pretend to all my colleagues that I don’t have Pru damn well living in my house like she’s my girlfriend or something.
Maybe it’s a good thing that I’m not close to any of them, they would be able to see through me.
“Idiot,” I mutter to myself as I put my car into gear. “Idiot, idiot, idiot.”
I don’t think I’ve been played, I’m sure Pru’s emotions were genuine, but only time will tell how true that is. I’ll just have to give her enough time to settle into her job then I’ll bring up her apartment again. Maybe the idea of her living in the apartment in this building isn’t such a bad idea after all. That way she’ll feel safe, I can still watch her, and we’ll have the separation that we both so clearly need. We’ll have walls between us, making it impossible for us to kiss and anything more.
I whiz along the roads, probably much too quickly because I’m barely thinking straight and I head straight towards the office, feeling like I’m headed into doom. To my death, even.
No one knows, there’s no way anyone will be able to already tell what I’ve done, but I feel exposed and vulnerable, like my heart is pounding on my sleeve.
Just get today out of the way, I reassure myself. After that it’ll get easier, and like Pru said it won’t be for long.
Chapter Eighteen – Prudence
My heart hammers as I slide the new uniform over my body, preparing myself for my first day at work. I spent most of yesterday trying to prepare myself for this, but still I don’t feel ready. I feel like the fact that I’ve been so closed off from the world will instantly be obvious and I’ll be picked on for it. The girls liked me when I first met them, but things might be different now. They might have just been being polite. Oh God, what if they absolutely despise me and it’s miserable? What if I made the wrong choice by picking this job and I live to regret it every day?
“Pru, are you coming out yet?” Logan calls from the other side of the door in a reassuring tone of voice. “Come on, the uniform can’t be that bad. Let me see it.”
The nerves subside a little at the sound of voice. I’m so glad that I’m here with him and not alone. I don’t know if I’d be able to get out the house if I was. I’ve never been happier that he decided to cave and let me stay. There was a moment when I definitely didn’t think he would.
“I’m coming,” I call back in a sing song tone of voice. “Hold on let me just…”
I straighten down the pencil skirt, puff out the blouse, and smile at my reflection. I have my hair scraped back into a ponytail and a little bit of make-up dusted on my cheeks, and I think I look quite nice. Especially when I slip my feet into the heels that go with it, raising me up higher.
Finally, I give up and I exit the room, holding my shoulders back and my head high. Logan’s eyes practically bug out of his head as he sees me, almost as if I look sexy. Of course I don’t, I’m really covered up, but I like the way that his reaction makes me feel all the same.
“So, do I look okay?” I ask while turning around to show him the outfit from every angle.
“You look wonderful, Pru,” he gushes while clutching his hands to his chest. “Oh wow, you look like you can take on the world. Are you excited about your first day?”
He’s in a much better mood than he was yesterday, but I think that’s because he was nervous. He had to go to work after agreeing to let me stay with him, which probably freaked him out.
“I think so.” I don’t want to bore him with my anxiety. “It should be fine, right?”
“You had a great time at the job interview, didn’t you? I think
that guarantees you a good start.”
I really hope that he’s right. “Yeah, well I suppose I better go. There will be a bus in a moment.”
The best thing about my apartment was how near it was to the job. Logan’s is miles away and involves a lot of trouble but I don’t mind. I would still much rather be here with him.
“You know I would give you a ride, don’t you? If I could, I mean. But we cannot risk…”
“I know, I know.” I almost roll my eyes at him. “We can’t risk being seen. Even if it’s just one friend helping out another. I understand that. I don’t mind getting the bus anyway, it’ll be fine.”
Of course that turns out to be famous last words. When I actually try and get the bus it’s a nightmare. I can’t find the bus stop easily, then I can’t work out which bus I need to get onto, then when I actually work it out which one I need to get onto it’s horrible. The bus is smelly, it’s uncomfortable to ride in, and the other people on it scare me. Like, really badly. The women aren’t too bad, they don’t even really register on my radar, but the men seem to have dagger eyes, staring into my soul and crushing me violently along the way. It’s hard to breathe, I can’t really stand it.
By the time the bus pulls up as near to the store as it goes, I hop out and suck in a couple of deep and calming breaths. I would like much more time to get myself in order, but I’m nearly late now and I don’t want to make a bad impression. My first day is going to be terrifying enough.
