by Sharon Green
I stayed in my cabin for a couple of months, trying to pretend nothing had changed, and on the full moon I made myself go after nothing but deer. Then the dreams started, and not only did I find out the name of the animal who had made me the same, I also found out what he looked like and where he could be found. I waited through one more full moon, then I took a trip into the city.
The animal I was after had moved from the place he'd lived before, so it took me weeks to track him down. And it wasn't him I ran into first, just someone like him.
"What you want, hick?" the slime demanded, all but getting up into my face. "You think you bad, but you ain't. You ain't nothin' but a shifter like the rest a us, and we got more'n you do."
And then he … threw his power at me, trying to knock me down with the strength of it. He almost did knock me down, but something inside made me answer with power of my own. And my power was stronger, pushing the slime back until he was on the floor and whimpering.
"I want to know where Bill Roach is, and you're going to tell me," I growled at the slime who was cringing back from me. "You tell me right this minute, or I'll - "
"No, don't!" the slime screamed, trying to hold up one hand and looking like he was in a lot of pain. "I'll tell ya where he is, don't hurt me again!"
And he did tell me, giving me directions on how to get to the place when I asked for them.
"You'd better not have been lying," I said once I had what I needed. "If you were lying I'll be back, and there isn't a hole deep enough for you to hide from me."
"Who the hell are you?" the slime asked once he'd sworn he hadn't lied.
"My name is Ronald Bickle, but that's beside the point," I told him. "Who I really am is someone who's going to get his own back. The hard way."
And then I walk away to follow the directions I'd been given. Getting around in the city isn't easy for someone who doesn't know it, especially someone without much money, but I finally find the place I was told about. I watch the place for a couple of days to make sure my quarry is really there, and also to give them time to forget about me coming after Roach. I know that slime told them about me, gambling that they'd be able to stop me from coming back to thank him for the betrayal.
During the days I watch, I see Roach going in and out a few times. Sometimes he's alone, but most of the time there are other shapeshifters with him. When they come back to the small building they're usually laughing, as if they've just had a really good time. I have some idea about what they consider a good time, and that makes my lips peel back from my teeth in a snarl.
It finally gets to be time to go in after Roach, and I couldn't be happier. It's at night and the shapeshifters are having some kind of party, which means they might not even notice that I'm there. I slide into the building, tracking Roach by his scent, and finally find him almost alone. He's busy screwing some girl, and since it's obvious she isn't being raped I just wait until they're done.
Once Roach gets his breath back he puts his clothes on again and leaves the girl alone in the bed. It's a small apartment they're in, and I wait until Roach enters the living room before I make my presence known by putting an arm around his throat from behind. Roach immediately starts to struggle, also trying to use his power, but none of that does him any good. He destroyed my life without giving me a second thought, and I didn't hesitate to return the favor.
Breaking a human's neck usually kills them, but ending a shapeshifter is most often harder. After breaking Roach's neck I lower him to the floor, pull out a knife, then start to cut his head off. It takes a few minutes to get the job done, and just as I finish up a crowd bursts into the room. They must have smelled the blood and come to find out what was happening, and they aren't happy. I manage to cut open a few of them before they take me down, and when they beat me until the darkness comes I figure I don't have to worry about being a shapeshifter anymore.
But I'm wrong. When I wake up I'm still alive, I'm naked, and my skin is burning in the places where the silver chains are holding me tight. I get the feeling I can break the chains if only I can get past the pain, but I've never felt any pain like it. It feels as if my skin is dissolving even though it's not, and then I become aware of something even worse. It's the full moon again and I need to change shape, but the silver isn't letting it happen!
It feels like years that I roll around in absolute agony, years of having the moon madness denied, and all I want to do is die. But I don't die, not even when I'm forced to my feet and dragged out of the room. They take me to the front of the building, and then one of them with gloves takes the chains off me. I don't want to change, not there in the middle of the city, but I can't keep it from happening. And there are others changing all around me, making it feel right, somehow.
But it isn't right, especially when two humans appear. The humans have guns and are holding up badges, but that doesn't stop the others - and me - from jumping on them. On the inside I'm crying, knowing that what I'm doing is wrong, but I just - can't - stop -
* * *
I had to turn over to get more comfortable, and once I did I was back to sleep before I knew it.
* * *
I cry when I'm made to understand that my life has no purpose, not like the lives of others…
Chapter Twenty-Five
When I came out of my bedroom the next day I headed straight for the coffee Freemont had had brought up. For some reason I needed the caffeine badly, as if I hadn't gotten any sleep last night at all. But I did sleep, otherwise how could I have dreamed?
"You don't look very focused this morning, Taz," Freemont said as soon as I'd taken the first swallow of coffee. "Are you sure you don't want to go back for a little more sleep?"
"I'm too tired to go back to sleep," I said, sitting in a chair to look at everyone in the room. George sat on a couch as usual, Eric lounged on the other side of the same couch, and Freemont had taken a chair like mine near them. "Right now I'm more interested in returning the number of people on this team to what it used to be."
"Eric only did what was necessary, Taz," George said while Eric's lips curved up in a small, humorless smile. "He explained the need to us last night, and Freemont and I agreed with what he wanted to do. If you're looking to place blame, you have to blame all of us."
"I can do that," I agreed with a small nod, doing nothing to avoid his gaze. "I said I didn't want to get involved with any shapeshifter crap during this job, but all of you decided you knew better. With that in mind, you can now finish this job without me."
"Come on, Taz, don't be like that," Freemont complained, his expression showing mild pain. "I know you're never at your best when you're short on sleep, but this is business so we can't afford to mess around."
"Oh, now you don't want to mess around?" I countered immediately. "It was okay to screw with my mind and my sleep last night, but today the rules have changed? Nice try, partner, but it's not going to work like that."
"Why are you getting so wild, Taz?" Eric asked while Freemont sighed and shook his head. "One dream couldn't have ruined your sleep all that much, and now you ought to know a little bit more about what you need to. Where is the harm in that?"
"One dream?" I echoed with a snort. "Try dreams, plural, and I can't even tell you how many there were. Dream after dream all night long, and each one woke me up for a few seconds. If that's your idea of no big deal, then I have news - "
"Wait a minute," Eric said, and he'd stopped lounging to sit up and lean forward. "What are you talking about? No one ever has more than one dream at a time, and it takes a few years before you get beyond the person who infected you. You end up knowing that person almost as well as you know yourself, so if you intend to get even for what was done to you it's best if you do it quick. And while we're on the subject, how did you manage not to have any dreams until now?"
"It's probably part of the good luck I missed out on when all this first started," I told him after taking another swig of coffee. "Managing not to dream, I mean. I don't
know how I did it, or you can bet I would have done it again last night. And I don't give a damn if every shifter in the world dreams nonstop or not at all. I told you I didn't want to get involved with this shit right now, but you decided you knew better. You all decided you knew better, so screw you all. Go ahead and get the job done without me."
"You're enjoying being able to say that," Eric observed, his eyes narrowed as he stared at me. "Is your enjoyment coming from the fact that you wanted an excuse to walk away from this job and now you have one? Did Boughton scare you that badly last night?"
"There's a difference between being afraid and hating to be touched by a vampire's power," I told him, almost in a growl. "Since you're so much braver than me, you shouldn't mind carrying on alone. Unless you're the one who's afraid…"
"Yeah, downright terrified," he agreed, still studying me. "Especially when Boughton kissed my hand like that. No, wait, it was your hand that got kissed. Is it possible that that's what's bothering you, not Boughton's power but his interest?"
"Why would I care whether or not a vampire was interested in me?" I asked, having no idea where he was going with that line. "I had no trouble saying no to Grail, and I'll have the same lack of trouble with Boughton. If he tries to get pushy I'll either turn and walk away or I'll give him reason to be interested in someone else. It's not what can be considered a problem."
"But maybe there's something that is a problem," George said, drawing everyone's attention to his very serious expression. "Eric told us that you didn't seem to understand why he reacted the way he did last night, when you first told him about Boughton using power on you. His reaction was caused by the link you two have, and it's come to me that you may be reacting to the link in the same way, only without knowing it."
"What's that supposed to mean, George?" I demanded, suddenly not at all happy. "Assuming it means anything at all."
"It means that deep down you know you have an involvement with Eric, so Boughton's interest isn't … appropriate," George answered, almost as if he were groping for the proper words. "Eric is ready to respond to the challenge of another male, and you're trying to step back to let them go to it. Females will defend themselves if attacked, but won't get involved in the disagreements between males."
Female animals, George meant, the word unspoken but still there. No matter how hard I tried to play human and how well I thought I was doing, something always came up to rub my face in the fact that I wasn't human at all.
"You know, that could very well be it," I heard Eric say, and only then did I notice I'd closed my eyes. "She knew that if Boughton tried something I'd get into it, so she's trying to step back to avoid the problem."
"I think I've proven more than once that I can take care of myself," I stated without opening my eyes, trying to hang onto a fast-disappearing calm. "I also think I'm not completely a mindless animal who does nothing but react the way animals are expected to. If you hoped that this bullshit would make me forget that you all ganged up on me, it's not going to happen. I don't - "
A knock on the door interrupted what would probably have become a tirade, which means I used the excuse to close my mouth before I put both feet in it.
"That must be the breakfast I ordered," Freemont said as he got out of his chair and headed for the door. "Once we all have some hot food inside us we'll feel a lot better."
The glance I got of Freemont showed more than a little strain in his expression, and I didn't have to wonder why. He and I had a really close connection, and sharing my feelings wasn't likely to give anyone much pleasure right now. Lack of sleep always makes me short-tempered and downright ruthless, but this time I seemed to be ready to set a new record.
I sipped coffee until the meal had been taken into our dining room and the waiter had left, and then I went in to get my share of the food. If I hadn't felt so hollow I might not have stayed with the others, but I really had no choice about joining the meal. Freemont had ordered everything I wanted, of course, and I had no idea if the food Eric ate was what he'd asked for or just what Freemont had known he'd want. Not that it mattered one way or the other…
Once the scrambled eggs and bacon and home fries and pancakes with maple syrup were inside me, I did feel just a little bit better. Not happy by any means, but less like total exhaustion on two feet. I sipped my latest cup of coffee as I leaned back in my chair, enjoying the silence that had surrounded us all through the meal, but the quiet was too good to last.
"We need to talk about tonight," Freemont said abruptly from where he sat to my left, mostly looking at me. "There's going to be trouble that one person alone won't be able to handle."
"What kind of trouble?" Eric asked from my right with a frown, making it clear that the topic hadn't been discussed before now. "And if one person alone can't handle it, maybe we ought to get Allison's people involved."
"For some reason I can't see the episode clearly, so I don't have any details," Freemont fretted, and I could almost feel how disturbed he was. "There's a … shadow over the incident, almost as if I'm seeing double, but I'm not getting anything at all from the shadow. All it's doing is confusing the first scene, but I'm absolutely certain about what I can get. There will be trouble, one person alone won't be able to handle it, and Allison's people won't be of much help when the help is needed most."
"That's why you don't want me opting out," I said, knowing it for a fact. "If I'm not there, someone or something will get to Boughton. Allison's people probably won't take their money back, but the team will get a black eye that will affect how often people send for us to help with their trouble. I have to keep on with this, otherwise we get kicked in the teeth."
"You sound like you've changed your mind, but maybe you don't have to," Eric said, his expression very neutral. "If I take two or three of Allison's men with me when I go to Boughton's room to pick him up, that may do the trick. Boughton did use his power on you, after all, so no one can claim that you're stepping back for no reason."
"It doesn't matter how many humans you take with you, they'll still be human-slow," I pointed out, only glancing at him. "That's probably why Freemont said they won't be of much help when the help is needed most. I have no choice but to keep on with this, but I'm warning all of you right now. The next time Eric talks you into going along with him while he does something 'for my own good,' you'll have the choice of keeping him on the team or me. If we weren't in the middle of a job, you'd have that choice right now."
I refilled my coffee cup in the midst of heavy silence, then took the cup and went back to my bedroom. If Eric had joined the team in order to break us up, he was already doing a damned fine job of it. But if he and his bosses thought that breaking up the team would mean all of us joining the task force individually, they were in for a lot of disappointment. I'd starve before I joined those people, and there was a good chance that Freemont and George felt exactly the same way.
Spending a couple of minutes wondering how a ghost would starve was definitely a waste of time, but it gave me the chance to decide on trying for some uninterrupted sleep. If there was going to be action tonight I needed to be doing rather than yawning, and right now I wasn't up to it. So I sat down with a book for a few minutes and finished my coffee while I read, and then I went back to bed.
This time there were no dreams, or at least none I remembered when I finally woke up again. The clock said it was close to 2:30 in the afternoon, which meant I'd gotten a solid five hours of sleep. The rest was exactly what I'd needed, and once I woke up all the way I'd be ready to handle whatever came at us. I went into the bathroom and took the shower I hadn't been in the mood for earlier, and when I came out dressed in fresh clothes I found George sitting in the chair I'd used before going to bed.
"You look better now than you did," George remarked, no expression on his dark face. "Are you well-enough rested to talk instead of argue?"
"That all depends on what you want to talk about," I countered, matching my expression to his. "But first I
have a question. When Eric breaks up the team the way Grail and Jaril want him to, will you join the task force or find something else to do? I know you don't have to worry about starving, but - "
"It so happens that's exactly what I want to talk about," George interrupted, leaning forward to stare at me with his arms on the chair arms. "You and I are paranoid in the same way, so it naturally occurred to me that Eric could be working against us instead of for us. It's still a possibility, but there seems to be something you're not taking into consideration. Didn't you say it was more than time you found out some details about your … condition?"
"Sure I said that," I agreed immediately. "What I didn't say, though, was that I wanted the information forced on me at a time of someone else's choosing. I also said I wanted to wait until this job was over, but you and Freemont - and Eric - decided you knew better."
"It wasn't like that and I think you know it," George stated, nothing in the way of apology in his voice or on his face. "Eric told us that it could be dangerous for you to continue on the way you've been going, and then he asked us if we thought you really would give him a chance to teach you what you need to know once this job is over. We - Freemont and I - thought about that for a minute, then we had to admit that you'd be more likely to find another reason not to learn once this job was over. That's why we told him to go ahead and do what he could, and now I want an honest answer from you. Would you have let Eric teach you after this job, or would you have found that other reason not to listen to him?"
I stared back at George, wanting to tell him he and Freemont were wrong, but for some reason the words refused to come.
"Taz, we know you hate what you are, and you have every reason to feel like that," George said after a moment, his voice now filled with compassion. "I'm not that crazy about being a ghost, but I don't see where either of us has any choice. If you don't find out all you can about shapeshifting it could mean your life, and that's another worry Freemont and I have. Are you really looking for a way to kill yourself without eating your gun?"
