by Brenda Ford
My bag arrives on the conveyor belt at that moment, so I say a quick goodbye to Lydia and hang up the phone with promises to call her later on, even just to let her know what’s going on.
I try to shove the anxiety to the side as I step out of the airport, even as the realization hits me that I’m really here. It’s been a plan for such a long time that it’s strange to have it actually happening, but here I am. I’m in America, California all over again. I’m about to face the side of my family who I haven’t seen in years.
You can do this; I tell myself seriously. You can face her. It might not be so bad.
I hail a cab, needing to take action before I completely freak out and remain at the airport until I can get a flight back again. The temptation is there and it’s all too real. Even as the car pulls up, I’m not sure that I’m going to get in it. But I do. I step inside and spout off the address in a strange robotic manner. Soon, we are whizzing along the streets that were once so familiar to me, but now hold a strange almost sepia tone. I guess none of this is going to feel real until I finally lay my eyes on my mother, and I see how she reacts.
“Here we are, miss,” the cab driver declares as he pulls up outside the biggest building that I have ever seen. It might even be larger than Buckingham Palace… unless my terror is causing my brain to play tricks on me. It was big before I left, sure, but it seems like there have been endless additions put on since I was last here.
“Er, yes, thank you.” I take out some bills and hand them to the driver with my pulse racing.
“Have a nice day!” Oh God, I forgot about that. The whole niceness that comes in the US. We don’t have that in England. The whole stiff upper lip stereotype is real. “Thank you for riding with me.”
I can’t reply. I don’t have the inner strength to make that happen, so I simply slam the door behind me, and look up at the house that I suppose I’m about to call home, at least for a little while.
“Come on,” I whisper to myself. “Get your ass inside before you run away.”
I feel myself walking, but my feet don’t touch the ground. If it wasn’t for the sound of my suitcase wheels dragging along the floor, I don’t know if I would know that I’m moving at all.
Knock, knock. The sound is strange and echoey, so I press the bell instead.
No one answers. It feels like forever before I even notice footsteps coming towards the door. I step backwards, and brace myself, trying to prepare for what comes next. Who it’s going to be…
“Oh my God, Rue, you’re really here!” It’s my mother, and it’s immediately apparent that she has been crying. “You’re here. I nearly forgot that you were coming with everything that has been going on.”
She throws her arms around me and pulls me in to a hug. It’s a strange hug that doesn’t feel anything like a reunion. It doesn’t have much to do with me at all. As she cries on my shoulder, it seems like she’s trying to hold herself up on me. I pat her back, wondering what the hell I am supposed to be doing.
“What… erm, what’s happening, Mom? Is everything okay? Sorry, I don’t… I don’t know what…”
“Oh, it’s awful,” she sobs back. “Benjamin collapsed. He’s in the hospital. They think it’s a heart attack or something. I have been at the hospital with him. I just came back to get some of his things, so it’s lucky that you got here right now. You can come back to the hospital with me.”
That idea strikes me as something utterly terrifying. “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Mom. I can just wait here until you come back. I don’t think Benjamin will want me there. He barely even knows me.”
“No.” Mom squeezes my hand far too hard. “I need you with me. I can’t do this alone.”
“Mom, I don’t think that’s a good idea… I really…” Oh God, she isn’t going to let this go. “Er, okay, right.”
“Thank you, Rue. Thank you. You don’t know how much I need you right now.”
I don’t know if that feels nice, or a lot of responsibility. “You’re welcome. Whatever you need.”
Mom calls a car that seems to arrive at the speed of light, far before I can get my head in order, and soon we’re on the way to the hospital. The hospital where the stepfather I don’t really know, lies in a bed after a heart attack. The stepfather who clearly didn’t want me around in the first place, all so I can keep my mother happy. Well isn’t this just a fucking wonderful first night? Not exactly what I had planned.
Still, I have to roll with whatever happens. I don’t think I have any choice. As weird as this all is right now, it may well turn out okay in the end. This might be the odd bonding experience that me and my mom need.
“You’re back.” I’m shocked by the sound of a growling, angry voice behind the door. “That didn’t take long.”
“I am back.” I can’t ignore the bitter twist in my mother’s voice as she replies. “I have everything now. Oh, and it’s a good thing I went home when I did, because I found my daughter had arrived.”
Mom steps to one side and there I see him, the person I had almost allowed myself to forget. Almost. James Roberts, Benjamin’s son. Technically my stepbrother now, I suppose, after the wedding. Not that I will ever be able to see him that way. He’s part of the reason why I was glad to go to England, I needed to escape him.
The crush I had on him, my first ever crush, was all consuming and too much for me to handle. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t think about anything other than him. His dark gorgeous hair, his piercing green eyes, his body that was unlike anything I had ever seen before… helped by the fact that he has always been a couple of years older than me. Of course, he never even looked my way. I was an annoyance to him. The younger stepsister that he didn’t want. He was probably glad when I was sent away too.
I don’t know if he’s going to be glad that I’m back or not, but it won’t matter. I’m not the young kid with a crush on him anymore. I’m a grown ass woman who doesn’t even like him because he’s a bit of an ass.
“Hey,” I mutter quietly, barely looking him in the eye.
“Hi,” he replies, just as childishly. “Good to see you, Rue.”
I bet it isn’t good to see me at all, but that is just tough. This visit isn’t about him.
Chapter Three
James
Good to see you, Rue. Huh, why the hell did I say that? It isn’t good to see her, or her gold digging mother. I don’t like either of them. Well, that isn’t fair. I don’t know the girl really, she vanished years ago, but I can only assume that she’s exactly like Mary, and not the sort of person that I want to be associated with.
Still, we are in the hospital building, so I can’t explode and let all of my feelings out. Me and Mary usually keep our distance from one another, so I don’t need to let my emotions show, this is going to be hard. To be confined in this small room together during such a stressful time…
Oh God, we aren’t going to be able to do this, are we? This will never work work…
“How is he doing?” Mary asks me with what sounds like syrupy fakeness to her tone while taking my father’s hand. She sits beside him and stares at him like she absolutely loves him, which is ridiculous.
“No change,” I snap back. “You weren’t even gone for long enough for the doctor to come.”
“Oh good. I don’t want to miss what the doctor says. I need to be the one to hear it.”
I narrow my eyes angrily. “I can just relay what the doctor says. I am capable, you know.”
“Oh yes, I’m sure,” she replies tartly. “I just want to hear it myself, that’s all. I would prefer to ask the doctor any questions I have about my husband myself. You aren’t a doctor, are you, James?”
Fucking bitch. She wants to demean me and put me down. I don’t know why attacking my medical
knowledge gets to me so much, but it does. I balled up my fists and bit my tongue.
“Well, the doctor will be here soon,” I shoot back through gritted teeth. “So, you ca
n ask then.”
Rue captures my attention then, mainly because I don’t want to look at Mary for a second longer. She stands at the back of the room with her hands pressed against the wall, occasionally flicking her flame red hair over her shoulder. I don’t think that I have ever seen anyone look so uncomfortable before.
I want to say something to maybe try and put her at ease, but the words don’t come. I don’t really know why. All I can do is stare at her and wonder what is going on in her mind. What must she think of my father right now? Of me? Of this situation? Her mother as well. She might not be able to see through her because she hasn’t been around… or perhaps she can see deeply into her because she hasn’t been around it for so long that she can take an objective look and spike right through the bull shit.
Before I can get too lost in looking at her, wondering what side of the fence she is eventually going to fall on, the door swings open, and I see the doctor. Much as this is a relief, it’s also utterly terrifying. I’m trying not to let it show, but the fear of losing my father is all too real. The idea that I might end up without my other parent, floating through life without anyone to call family, is too much for me. I might seem confident on the outside, but really, I’m a damn mess. Or I would be without my dad.
“Hello, doctor.” Of course, Mary jumps in and she acts like the damn doting wife. “Do you have anything for us? Because we’re all sitting around here, watching my husband, not knowing what’s going on.”
She smiles, almost giggling in what I personally consider to be a very inappropriate manner. It seriously winds me the fuck up. It takes every ounce of strength that I have not to cry out. I’m becoming a God damn pressure cooker, building up to the point where I’m not going to be able to keep it down any longer.
“Well, as you know, we have run some tests, to find out what caused the collapse.” As the doctor nods torturously slowly, I stiffen up hard, every fiber inside of my body tightens and I wait for what is about to come next. I mentally try to prepare myself for the worst news, but in reality, I don’t know if I will ever be able to handle ‘the worst’, whatever that could even be. “Mr. Roberts had a heart attack.”
“Oh my God.” I don’t know where that scream comes from because I’m too busy struggling with the fact that I can’t get any air in to my lungs. I always knew that this would happen, this is part of the reason that I don’t want to follow in his footsteps, because it’s a high pressure environment where he never stops working. But hearing the words ‘heart attack’ is too much for me. It’s the worst information, isn’t it? The worst that could happen. I mean, aside from being dead, that is. But ‘heart attack’ can lead to that. “Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.”
It’s Mary and she practically falls to the floor to show off her grief. My eyes are too blurry to see whether or not this is real, or just more of her acting. For all I know, she could have been fucking poisoning him all along, and I missed it because I’ve been spending too much time at my apartment, avoiding her.
“What… what caused this?” I blurt out, needing some kind of answer. “Why did he have a heart attack? Was it the stress of his job or something else?” I rise to my feet and rake my fingers through my hair as I stalk up and down the much too small room. “What did he do? I don’t get it. Why did this happen?”
“That is something we are going to work out over time. There are no clear answers at this moment.”
How can there be no clear answers? That doesn’t make any sense. This is a hospital. They are supposed to know. They should be giving us advice on how to change his lifestyle, so it doesn’t happen again.
Immediately, I’m filled with regret. I regret all the times that I could have been with him and I wasn’t, all the days I missed out on spending time with my father because I didn’t want to deal with Mary. There are so many questions I never asked him, so much I never learned about my father, I don’t know much about my family history at all, and now I’m scared that I won’t ever get the chance to because this could be his end.
No, I scold myself as a tear builds up behind my eyes. No, don’t think that way. Be positive.
“What is his prognosis?” Mary begs. “Is he going to be okay? Do we need to sort out some help?”
“That is something we will know more about when he wakes up, which shouldn’t be too long…”
“So, he’s going to wake up?” I jump in, practically breathless as I make this demand.
“He will. All of his vitals are steady now. We should see some signs of improvement soon.”
I nod as my eyes hit the ground. This is good news, really good and of course I’m happy about it, why wouldn’t I be? After all the fear, he’s going to be okay. I no longer need to freak the fuck out. But somehow, even knowing all of that, the walls close in around me. The much too white walls seem to slowly move towards me, crushing me more and more by the moment. My fingers claw at my throat because it feels stuck, my windpipe crushing, like someone has their hands wrapped around me to choke the life from me and I can’t get them off. It doesn’t matter how hard I try, they remain clamped on me, killing me slowly.
I need to get out. It’s the only logical response. I need to be outside. I need to escape.
The doctor is still talking to Mary, filling her in with information that I really should be listening to, since I don’t exactly trust her, but my need to survive over rides that. Without even telling anyone where I’m going, I race from the room, pausing only for the briefest second, as the door slams behind me. But I’m soon pushing past the people in my way until I’m finally outside in the fresh air. Away from everyone. I can’t breathe.
I hit a set of railings and double over it, gasping until the ice cold air floods through me. My body cools down a little, but my brain continues to race at a million miles an hour, scouring over all of the details of the last twenty four hours. I haven’t ever wanted to think about what I will have to do if my father dies, but despite the fact that we have been told he’ll be okay, it isn’t enough. I can’t stop the horrible thoughts. That was too close for comfort.
What will happen to the house? To the business? To me? Who will I have?
“Huh?” All of a sudden, the warmth of a hand resting on my shoulder shocks me from the dark coldness of my thoughts. I practically leap into the air, which is incredibly embarrassing. Especially when I see who it is.
“Rue?” Oh God, is she looking at me like she feels sorry for me? I don’t need that.
“Sorry I just…” She shrugs awkwardly. “You looked like you might not want to be alone.”
I turn away from her, unable to look at her any longer. She’s a bit like staring into the brightness of the sun and I don’t have any sunglasses to protect me from her light. “I’m okay by myself, thank you very much.”
I didn’t mean that to sound quite as harsh as it did, but thankfully Rue isn’t offended.
“Yeah, that’s okay. I’m pretty good at being by myself too. Do you mind if I stand out here with you for a bit? I won’t talk or anything, I know that you want to be by yourself, I just want some air.”
I can’t tell her to leave the area, I don’t own it, so I simply nod. Weirdly, I kinda like having someone out here with me. Especially someone who doesn’t want anything from me. I can tell from every sideways glance that Rue really is happy to just be on her own in the silence for a moment. With her arms folded across her chest and her eyes off in the sky somewhere, it seems like she is on another planet.
“Probably not what you wanted when you first showed up in America, huh?” I ask wryly, dragging her back, even though I’m the one who’s supposed to want time by myself. “Drama.”
“Drama seems to be my mother’s life,” she replied dryly. I guess she does understand her mother the way that I do. That doesn’t surprise me, she seems like a very intuitive person. “So, this isn’t much of a surprise. But I am sorry for your father. You too. It’s always awful to have someone you are close to sick.”
; “Hmm, yes, it is.” Too awful. I always thought that it was a bad thing that I never knew my mother before I lost her, but now I’m not so sure. At least it saved me this pain. “It’s the worst.”
Chapter Four
Rue
I slide my eyes towards James, wondering what to make of this change in attitude from him. He certainly doesn’t have the same rage he displayed upstairs, and I don’t know if that comes from the shock of the news regarding his dad – which would knock anyone off their feet – or being away from my mom.
“I remember when I was about seventeen years old and my father got rushed to hospital.” I’m not even sure why I’m telling him this story, it isn’t the same as this situation, but I feel compelled to try and connect with him somehow. Plus, James Roberts has always made me a bit awkward, even if I don’t have a crush on him anymore. “His girlfriend, Kira, called me and I instantly panicked. I mean, I freaked out. I sobbed like a damn baby, so my best friend, Lydia had to take me there. All I could think about was being on my own, because coming back to America didn’t feel like an option at the time, so I was a mess.” I smile to myself. “Anyway, it turned out that he was just dehydrated because he’d been working too hard, and not taking proper care of himself. He was fine, but I know that moment was terrifying.” I sucked in a deep breath. “I’m not saying that I know what you’re going through or anything, but, being close to my dad then nearly losing him… it was hard.”
He nods along as if I haven’t just rambled on in a completely useless way. “It isn’t too dissimilar.”
“Well, I don’t know.” I offer him a one shouldered shrug. “If you want to talk or whatever… I’m here.” Whether he will take me up on that or not is a completely different issue. “I know my mom is difficult.”
“You don’t get on too well with your mother then?” he asks me curiously. “You aren’t the best of friends.”
