by Brenda Ford
“I’m sorry, Tillie.” Now it’s my turn to try and reach out for her, because I don’t want this to end badly. “I didn’t ever want to hurt you. I just… me and you weren’t ever going to work.”
“Fuck you, James.” Tears fill her eyes, leaving me feeling terrible. I don’t ever want to break hearts, that isn’t me. “Fuck you for making me feel this way. All I ever did was like you, and for nothing.”
As she runs off, I feel terrible for it, utterly horrible. I tried my hardest to make her see that we weren’t going to work, but somehow, I must have been giving off another message entirely, and now… well, now I don’t know how to make things right. I’m not sure what I can do. Maybe there isn’t anything that I can do, I just have to let things play out, let people feel their feelings until it’s all okay again. Or not, I suppose it doesn’t have to be okay again either. Fuck knows, everything just keeps getting messier by the moment.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Rue
I stand on the out skirts of Stansford University, just waiting for James to come and meet me like we had planned. I guess I’m a bit early, but that simply gives me time to observe this place that means so much to him, that has helped to turn James in to the man he is today. As all the students and teachers at this institution mingle and wander around the campus with compete ease, I realize that this is a part of his life where I don’t fit in, and I don’t know anything about. James talks to me about it a lot, but I haven’t ever witnessed it before.
I can’t move from the out skirts because I fear taking even one step inside the world which isn’t mine. Even as people give me strange looks, I don’t move because I don’t know where else to go.
There he is. My heart stops beating as I see James, looking more handsome than I have ever seen him before. There is something incredibly sexy about seeing him in his natural environment, studying and passionate about what he’s doing. I almost break out and run towards him, racing to his world.
But the sight of a beautiful girl following him stops me. It almost escaped my notice that this world of his would include other stunning women too, women to capture his attention and make him feel good about himself. Women who he might have been with before me, since I don’t imagine he was a virgin. I get a tight knot in my chest as I imagine him with her, having a sexy romance.
God, it would be simpler, wouldn’t it? For him to be with her. Someone from another family who doesn’t make things complicated and strange. Who doesn’t have a bitch of a mother who seems determined to wreck his relationship with his father just for the hell of it. Mom’s bull shit hasn’t slowed down at all. If anything, the more time that passes, the more determined she becomes to tear me and James apart. It’s like a little project of hers and she is determined not to back down until she wins. The problem with my mom is she always wins.
Well, maybe this will be the first time that she doesn’t. That’s why me and James are going over to the house today, to try and put an end to this once and for all. To put on a united front so they can see how much me and James are meant to be together. Even if sometimes it feels like we are fighting endlessly, and that’s what unites us. What brought us together in the first place has taken a bit of a back seat.
But it will be fine. Everything will get back on track soon enough… even if this girl with James is really trying to kiss him right now. My hands curl up into fists of anger and hurt, but still I don’t move. Even as my heart cracks loudly in my chest. I stand back and watch this unfold in front of my eyes. I don’t know if I’m trying to torture myself or just see how he reacts, because there is no denying that he used to be a player and he still could be… but thankfully, much to my relief, he pulls away. He separates himself from her as much as he can.
Thank God, I tell myself seriously. He really does love me after all. Of course he does.
But this is the sort of woman who James will turn to if this conversation doesn’t go well today. If we’re forced apart because our parents refuse to accept who we are. James hasn’t said that, he’s determined for us to be together even if we have to fight the whole world to make that happen, and much as I want that too, I don’t want to cause any more problems between him and his father. He can play it off as much as he likes, but I know it’s killing him.
It destroys me inside to even think about a life without him after all of this, but sometimes I wonder if love is enough. I haven’t even dared to ask Annie or Lydia what they think about it all because it scares me to know that they might tell me to just walk away already, for my own sanity and his as well.
Run, a small part of my brain tells me. Run away, leave him alone. Escape this.
But of course, I don’t. I can’t go anywhere. I remain exactly where I am, watching.
James’s conversation takes a few turns. I can’t really decide what way it’s going. It seems heated and angry, full of emotion from her side at least. Troubling, and I’m not quite sure why.
But eventually, they fall apart. She storms off and leaves him standing in the middle of the green outside of the campus. I half wonder if he’s going to run after her, to carry on their talk some more, but he doesn’t. Instead, much to my relief, he turns to see me. The powerful magnet between us drags his gaze upon me and he immediately lights up. His smile is so wide, it stretches right across his face, making him even more gorgeous.
This is why I can’t walk away from him; this is why all the fears I face when we’re apart melt away when we’re together. Because he looks at me in the way that every woman should be looked at. Like he really does love me with every part of himself. It’s utterly intoxicating to be viewed like this. Like I am everything.
I love him, I tell myself as all of the joy returns to my body. This is everything I want. I need to fight.
“Are you ready to go?” He reaches out to take my hand and I grab it eagerly. “To the hell house?”
“It might not be that bad.” I roll my eyes in jest. “You never know. It has to mean something that they agreed to meet with us anyway, don’t you think? They must want to hear us out already?”
“Dad agreed to meet with us. There isn’t any telling what will happen with your mother.”
The spike of anxiety is back. Of course there is no telling how Mom will behave. Since she’s still sending me a string of abusive messages, I’m pretty sure I know how she feels though. This is going to be hard.
Knowing how challenging it will be to have a civilized conversation, most of the journey over to the house was a silent one. I’m stewing in my own thoughts and it seems that James is too. I can only hope that he doesn’t get too caught up in his own mind and be defensive during the chat. It needs to go so well.
“Are you ready for this?” James squeezes my hand a couple of times. “We’ll be okay, right?”
“We will.” I try my hardest to reassure him and myself as well. “Don’t worry, we’ll stand together.”
He lifts a shaky fist and knocks on the door, before deciding against politeness and walks straight inside. I want to tell him that this isn’t the best idea, that we should just start well, but I guess this is his house too, and he can do what he wants. It might have never been my house, but it really doesn’t feel like that now.
“Dad?” he yells, much too loudly. “Dad, are you here? We’re here to talk.”
As we wander through the building, I pull myself closer to James and use him as a shield because the nerves are really getting to me. This is going to be harder than I thought it was going to be.
“James? We’re in the kitchen. Do you mind coming in here?”
The atmosphere is bad as soon as we enter the kitchen. Benjamin looks stressed out and stiff, like he has pain all over his face, and Mom is under a black cloud of mood. God, I’m sick of seeing that in her. It makes me yearn for my father who knows me well and treats me like I am a real damn human being.
“Still together?” Mom growls, setting the tone and not in a good way. “Even though it’s sick.”
“Mary,” Benjamin interjects. “We agreed to have a proper conversation. No more arguing…”
“I can’t help my opinion on this, and you know it. It will never change. I will never accept this.”
Benjamin looks even wearier. Like the weight of the world is on his shoulders. The more that my mother talks, the more it gets to him. This brings back the same guilt from before, because I’m hurting too many people. I really don’t want to be the reason that this whole family falls apart. Sure, according to James it wasn’t perfect before I turned up from England, but my presence certainly hasn’t made anything better.
“Mom, please,” I try softly. “Please just try and accept us because then we will be a family again.”
“The fact that we’re a family is the problem. It’s too close. It’s too messed up.”
“But, Mom … please,” I beg. “Please just hear us out. This isn’t just some fling. We have been together for months now and we’re still going strong. This is real. We wouldn’t fight this for absolutely nothing.”
“You are just being spiteful.” Mom shakes her head hard. “I know what you’re doing.”
“No, we are in love,” James jumps in angrily. “You know that we’re in love. You keep fighting this for no reason, but we are in love. This isn’t going to end because you want it to, Mary.”
“I do want it to. And your father does as well.” Mom glances towards Benjamin. “He’s just too scared to tell you, but he hates it as well. He thinks you are utterly gross human beings for even suggesting it.”
“Mom, you aren’t even letting Benjamin talk,” I yell while jumping to my feet. There is no point in continuing to pretend that this is going to be a civilized conversation anymore. “You are speaking on his behalf. Just because of your opinion, he’s hardly getting to speak to James, which seems really messed up.”
“It’s because of you,” Mom growls. “You are the one who fucked everything up. I never should have agreed to you coming here. Life was so much better when you were in England. No wonder I sent you away.”
That stings like fuck. I almost scream out with rage. How can she be such a bitch to her own daughter? “Mom, you have never been there for me. Ever. This is the most important thing in my life…”
“Which just shows how pathetic you are. You can’t even see how this will crash and burn around you.”
“You know what?” I shake my head in disbelief. “Fuck you, Mom. I’m glad that I left here and grew up in England, because my dad is one hundred percent a much better parent than you.”
“He can’t be, or you wouldn’t be the pathetic little shit that you are now.”
“You are the disgusting one.” I can’t stop the words from rolling out of my mouth now. The flood gates have been opened, and I am a mess. “You’re a gold digger. You are the one who doesn’t know about love.”
That’s the moment she swings back her hand and she strikes me. It takes me a couple of minutes to put the jigsaw pieces together and work out what’s happened, but as the pain finally radiates in my cheek, I realize that nothing is ever going to be the same again. Everything is fucked now.
Chapter Twenty-Three
James
What the fuck? Me and Dad remain in stunned silence as we watch what’s going on. I want to put a stop to this, the primal instinct inside of me wants to launch myself at Mary for what she has just done to Rue, but a bigger bit of my brain freezes me in place and makes me stay. It just feels like the right thing to do.
“You bitch!” Rue yells at her mother. “I can’t believe you hit me.”
“Maybe if your father had done that more, then we wouldn’t be in this position right now.”
I expect Rue to say some more, but she looks defeated, like she doesn’t know what the hell to do. I watch the cogs ticking around in her brain, waiting for the right moment to jump in to save her, but it seems like she doesn’t need it. Instead, she finally turns on her heels and tears out of the house before slamming the door hard.
“What the fuck?” I find my voice, and direct it at Mary. I know that I should chase after Rue, but it seems like she needs a couple of seconds to get her head in order, alone. “What the fuck did you do there?”
She shrugs her shoulders and smirks, finding this amusing- which only angers me more. “I did what I needed to do. This situation is completely messed up. You need to see how wrong this is. I keep trying to show you, but you aren’t listening. I don’t want it to end up like that, I don’t want to fight, but you need to see…”
“And who the hell are you to judge? Huh? Who the fuck are you to make judgements on us?”
“I’m her mother, your stepmother. That gives me a lot of right to say what I want.”
“We are adults,” I scream frustratedly. “And you are no stepmother of mine.” I’m not getting through to her, I can see that already, so I turn to face my father. “Dad, I can’t be around this woman. I can’t be anywhere near her. She isn’t a decent woman, and I think you know that.” Mary makes a bitchy noise, but I completely ignore that. “I don’t want to lose the relationship that I have with you, but I don’t want to see her either.”
“Son, don’t go. Just stay here so we can talk about this some more. Please.”
“I have to look after Rue. She needs me. You don’t need me, you have Mary. Plus, with her around, we can’t have a proper conversation, can we? We have just proved that doesn’t work at all. I need to go. I need to get out of here before she makes me freak the fuck out. I can’t even deal right now.”
This is not how I wanted to leave today, I really wanted a resolution, but it seems that’s impossible. It’s clearer than ever now that me and Dad can’t get things back on track, because of Mary. While he’s married to her, this isn’t ever going to work. Especially if he’s going to let his wife behave like that. I get it that he doesn’t get involved in Mary’s family, just like she shouldn’t get involved with his, but this is a step too far.
Now, he can’t be my priority anymore. Not when Rue is hurt like that. I need to be sure she’s okay.
“Rue?” I call out as soon as I realize that she isn’t outside where I expect her to be. “Rue, you there?”
I walk to the end of the driveway and then to the end of the street calling out her name the entire time, but I don’t get anything back. Now, I feel bad for not running after her right away, because it’s clear that she just bolted. I shouldn’t have stayed to yell at Mary because it didn’t get me anywhere anyway. I should have protected my woman. Fuck, sometimes it feels like I can’t do the right thing, however hard I try.
I grab my cell phone and call Rue, but she doesn’t answer. I do it a couple of times before I leave a voice mail just in case she hasn’t heard it, but now I think that she might be ignoring me.
“Rue, I’m sorry about that. Sorry I didn’t come after you right away, I just had a few things to say first.” I rake my fingers nervously through my hair, wondering if I’m doing the wrong thing again. “But now I want to know where you are and if you’re okay or not. I’m a bit freaked out, really. Please just let me know that you are okay. Erm… I will go back to the apartment now to check that you’re there. I really hope you are.”
As I hang up the phone, I feel like shit, I just know that I have made a whole range of mistakes and I don’t know how to make them right again. I wish there was a way that I could just stick all the pieces back together and all would be like it was. Waiting when it comes to Rue isn’t the easiest for me. She makes me impatient and eager, I just want to be around her all the time, especially when times are hard.
“Fuck.” I hang my head low and walk towards the apartment, my head spinning the entire time. Today has been one hell of a roller coaster, and I just want to get off the ride now and stand on firm ground. “Fucking hell.”
I pray to everything and everyone that she is at the apartment when I get there, so I don’t need to worry about Rue any longer, but as I slide inside, the silence hits
me hard. It’s almost overwhelming. She definitely isn’t here, which freaks me out. She could be anywhere, hurt and upset. What if the violence from her mother has turned her away from us completely? I keep wanting to fight no matter what, but I don’t know if she is the same.
“She could be with a friend,” I try to convince myself. “She might be talking to Annie.”
But I don’t know if she will be, I don’t know if she has been taking to anyone about this, but I can just hope. This has taken a step too far now; things really are crazy, and she needs support. If it can’t be me, then it needs to be someone. I call her again a couple of times before I force myself to stop.
“Don’t be weird,” I warn myself, knowing that I’m starting to panic now. “Don’t go and call the cops or anything. She has to be missing for a certain amount of time for that…”
Not that this counts as ‘missing’ she has just gone somewhere after a family fight, that’s all. This isn’t the big deal that it’s slowly becoming in my eyes. I’m making a mountain out of a mole hill.
It takes every ounce of strength that I have, to force myself to sit on the couch, to remain still for a couple of seconds while I get my head in order, but I’m restless. I’m all panicky and messed up. I don’t think I will be able to remain in these four walls until I know what is going on. They are already closing in on me, squeezing me tight, crushing my lungs and the rest of my organs as well, making me panic like nuts.
Just think, my brain screams at me. Don’t do something stupid. Be smart. Don’t act crazy.
I grab my car keys and race outside, because let’s be honest, I can’t think. Every time even the tiniest thought bursts into my brain, it pops back out again because there are too many wild scenarios and they are all speeding through me. None of them are helpful or make any sense. Thinking won’t solve anything anyway. Instead, I want to do something productive and search for her. I know where she spends most of her time, I have been to her workplace and spent time with her friends, so it shouldn’t be too hard. Because we do have a real relationship, and I do know her well. This isn’t just some spiteful thing like Mary suggests.
