I took in everything he was saying and started to think about the President. He probably was dead, wasn’t he? Did we have any government officials left? Cameron was also right about another thing—there didn’t seem to be any troop presence up here at all.
Cameron had no trouble finding the mine on an overgrown road behind the reservoir. Fortunately it was empty and provided sufficient cover from the rain—shelter from both storms. Danny had the truck with the radar, so we had taken no chances driving to the lake. Since crossing into Colorado, we had painstakingly traveled dirt roads and avoided all contact, as directed. We saw a few lights on in some farmhouses, presumably lanterns, but knew we couldn’t trust them to be friendly. Every town we’d seen around here, small or big, had already been burnt to the ground.
We arrived around 2 a.m., and Cameron said he’d take the first watch. The others found sleeping bags and manageable space in the trucks and crashed. I was wired. I pulled on my winter jacket and took a sleeping bag over by the entrance to the mine. I closed my eyes and leaned my head against the rock wall, listening to the rain.
A quiet voice startled me. “Hot chocolate?” I jumped and looked up. Tara had followed me. I thought everyone else was going to sleep. She looked stunning as usual. Grey stocking cap tilted just perfectly, black scarf looped stylishly around her neck, hanging down across her thick winter jacket, the outfit completed with tight denim jeans and black boots. Damn.
“Uh…sure,” I stammered, taking the mug she was offering. “Didn’t you want to try to sleep?”
“No.” She smiled. “Not if you aren’t.”
I felt my face flush, thankful again for the darkness. “Where’s Em?” I asked, glancing behind her.
“With Hayley,” Tara replied, taking a seat next to me.
“Ah. Of course.” My heart was pounding in my ears as she lifted my sleeping bag around her shoulders, scooting next to me. And actually touching me. I took a drink of the “hot chocolate” and spit it out. Tara laughed. “It’s not hot,” I said.
“Sorry. The microwave wasn’t working.” She couldn’t hide her smile. She’d done a masterful job of easing the tension.
“Guess I should’ve known.” I stole another glance at her and caught her eyes locked on mine. I looked away. Everything I thought of saying sounded stupid in my head, so I kept my mouth shut.
We stared into the darkness for while. “Nice night, eh?” she said quietly.
I had to look at her to make sure she was kidding. Her beautiful smile gave that away. “Uh…yeah.”
“So what should we talk about? How about you?” She elbowed me. “Tell me about yourself. Hayley’s told me a little, but I’d love to know more.” Boy, she cuts straight to the chase. “If you don’t mind, of course,” she added when I didn’t answer right away.
“Uh…” Enough with the uhs. You’re making thirteen-year-old boys on their first date seem composed! “Okay.” Where the heck do I begin? “If you’re asking my astrological sign, I don’t even know what I am.”
“I’m not.” She smiled.
You should just not talk ever. “Okay, then,” I continued. “I guess I’m an architect.” Hello! You haven’t been one in years. “At least I was.” There you go. “I always wanted to be a writer, but my parents convinced me that wasn’t a real job and urged me to consider something that could actually make a difference…like working at Mickey D’s or selling Christmas trees.”
“Funny guy.” She tapped my foot with hers.
Okay, that’s better. “Yeah. I know.” This is going to bore her to death. “I always loved interior design, but it turned out I was better at coming up with the structural bones and letting other people dress it up. So I went with architecture. And landscape design. There were so many things I wanted to do to my own house someday that I could probably never afford, so I started designing homes for others, using my own dreams to build people theirs. I loved it.” I paused, remembering the day I packed up my office, locked it, and walked away from architecture. The day after Sophie died. A lump was forming in my throat. “How about you?”
“No. You’re not getting away that easy.” She nudged me again. “Tell me something more personal. Tell me about Sophie.”
I nearly choked. “Uh…” Uh again?
“Tell me about your wife.”
“She’s dead.” Brilliant statement, Einstein.
“I know,” Tara replied quietly, accommodating the terse edge in my voice. She had turned a little and was trying to look me in the eye.
“I can’t…I don’t…” This isn’t going to work. Tara took my hand.
“It’s okay,” she said, but I had already pulled away. I stood up, shrugging off the sleeping bag.
You’re messing up dude. “I’m sorry. I can’t.” Sit back down! I walked back towards the trucks.
“Ryan,” Tara called softly after me. “I’m sorry.”
You’re an idiot! Go back to her. I waved off her apology and climbed into the truck I’d driven here. I pounded the steering wheel with clenched fists. “Stupid idiot!” I said aloud, pounded the steering wheel again. I leaned my head back on the headrest.
“You okay?” A voice whispered from the back seat, startling me.
“Holy crap…” I glanced back. “Sam. Sorry, didn’t know you were in here.”
“No problem.” He mumbled.
“Go back to sleep.” I replied. “I’m okay. Just a freakin’ moron.”
“Got it.” And he was quiet again.
A few minutes later the passenger door opened, and Hayley climbed in. She punched me squarely in the upper arm, hard. “Hayley, what the—”
“Don’t,” Hayley said sternly. “Just listen.” I opened my mouth to object, but she cut me off. “That took a lot for her to come to you, Dad. Do you get that? Do you have any idea how hard that was? It’s almost like you’ve been making a point not to talk to her, but you’re only making everything worse. She cares about you, dude. Dude? Come on. You need to...” She paused. “Dad, it’s not going to kill you to have a friend, you know!”
“Seriously. What’s going on?” Sam asked from the back seat.
“Sorry, Sam.” Hayley glanced back, softening her tone. “I didn’t know you were there. Go back to sleep.” He didn’t object. “You’re a good guy, Dad. A great guy. And you deserve to be happy. Even if you’re making everyone else miserable.”
Was I? “But Mom—” I started to argue.
“But Mom nothing,” she cut me off again. “Dad, it’s been four years. You think Mom would want you to give up your entire life because she’s not here anymore? I’m not saying you’ll love Tara, or that she’s even your type, but she’s trying to be nice to you. You both could use a friend.”
“She’s married, Hayley,” I objected.
“She’s not.” Overruled.
Okay, I wasn’t ready for that. “But—” I pointed at my ring finger.
“Dad. Shut up.” Hey now. “She’s never been married. Never been engaged. She would tell you herself if you’d let her, but since you can’t seem to get out of your own way, I’ll save her the time and pain. Dad, she was raped a dozen years ago and got pregnant. She’s been trying to protect Emily this entire time, by herself.”
“What?” Definitely wasn’t ready for this.
Sam was sitting up now.
“How long have you known?” Then it occurred to me. “When we were at her farm?”
Hayley nodded. “That’s not the important part here, Dad.” I knew that now. “She was trying to reach out to you and you shut her down. Think about what it must have taken for her to walk over to you.” She paused but I had nothing to say. I was stunned.
A few seconds later, Hayley went on. “Listen, I’ve talked to Danny a lot about Mom. I’ve defended you every single minute. I actually wanted to move up with you when she died, but Danny convinced me not to. He talked to Kate’s mom and asked if she’d take me in. Kate sealed the deal. I understand what you were going through and
why you did a lot of what you did. For years Danny wouldn’t tell me what was going on, but I eventually figured it out on my own. I know why you left us and you know you were wrong.”
This was too much. My head was swimming. I felt like crying and throwing up at the same time. And she didn’t stop.
“I know you made it up to Mom, and I know she forgave you for it. She did. I promise.” She noticed me shaking my head and put her hand on my forearm. “But you have to forgive yourself, too. You have to move on. Mom would want you to. Mom loved you, more than anything in the world.” Crap, those are tears. “But you suck when you’re miserable, and you can be really hard to be around. So stop being a jackass and be nice to Tara already.”
Did I mention this girl was outspoken? I looked out the window, still able to feel Hayley’s glaring eyes. “Can I say something?”
I waited, and then took her silence as permission. Let’s say you’re right. Let’s say you’re right about all of it. What if I do give Tara a chance, and I lose her too.” Hayley raised her hand to cut me off yet again. I rolled my eyes. “Seriously, Hayley.”
“Seriously, me?” she asked with a surprised tone. “Seriously, you. Look, Dad, I get what you’re saying.” She put her hand on mine. “I do. But you can look at it that way, or you can look at it this way. If you only have a day left, or two, or three, do you want to be stubbornly sitting here a few feet from her, wondering what it would be like to kiss her?” Whoa, slow down. “Wondering what it would be like to spend some more time with her, maybe even be happy again for awhile?” She had a point. “So, if you’re gonna die anyway, shouldn’t you at least die happy?”
“What if she doesn’t like me?”
“She will,” Sam said from the back.
“What?” I turned to him.
Hayley answered for him. “She will like you, Dad.”
I shook my head in disagreement.
“Yes, Dad, she will. She doesn’t care about good looks or a good sense of humor. She’d like you anyway.” Hayley elbowed me.
“You know I’m not going to thank you for that.” I elbowed her back. She’d made her point.
“I don’t care,” she replied. “If I can get you to realize that someone else could love you if—” She saw me start to object. “Okay, sorry, “like”—that someone else could like you if you’d just let them.”
“Got it,” I said. “So, should I…?” I pointed toward Tara.
“No,” Sam answered.
I turned back to him again. “What?”
“No,” Hayley said. “Let her sleep. She didn’t know I was coming back here to talk to you. You call that talking? Give her a little time, and then when the time is right, be a man and apologize.”
Daughters. “Hayley.”
“Dad?”
“Don’t tell me to—”
“Shut up, Dad?” she asked with a smile. “I will if I have to.”
Seriously. Her words weren’t lost on me. I still saw her as my little girl, but that voice and that logic, they were stunningly mature. Would Sophie really be okay with Tara and I? And what about Danny? I really didn’t want to fracture the relationship we’d been rebuilding.
“And don’t worry about Danny, Dad. I’ll talk to him.” She kissed my cheek and hopped out of the car. “But he already knows you like her. And he’s good with that.” She closed the door.
Okay, what? Do I have a teleprompter on my forehead? “What just happened here?” I asked no one in particular.
“She told you what you already know,” Sam replied.
I glanced back at him, but his eyes were closed. Was it really that obvious?
Apparently.
THIRTY-FIVE: “What We Did”
As Danny had surveyed the gunfight in the depot yard, many thoughts raced through his mind. Part of him would have been content letting Eddie and his brother die, but another part of him didn’t understand what would make men on the same side fight each other. He was afraid of backing the wrong dog in the fight, and he nearly decided to just walk away. But the intensity with which Eddie was pursuing them said this was more than just a murderous vacation for him. His resolve seemed rather atypical. By this point, he’d lost nearly all the men he’d started with, and yet he was still determined to take this to the end. He was willing to turn on his own army to prove whatever point it was he wanted to make in killing us. This couldn’t just be about that Markus guy. But what else had we done? What had America done to him for that matter? Or what did Eddie think America had done to him?
Danny kept going back to why he’d joined the military in the first place. He wanted to save lives, not take them. No matter how many times Eddie and his men had tried to kill us, and how many of his men we’d had to take out to survive, Danny still believed if you put him and Eddie in a room, just the two of them, he could convince the captain to see it his way. Now, to the other two in the truck, saving Lazzo didn’t seem like the right move—perhaps even more so to Blake, given his friend Nathan’s sacrifice.
Danny was well aware of their opinion and somewhat surprised Blake hadn’t vocally criticized him or the decision. He’d actually been remarkably quiet. Blake’s general awareness and unflappable presence of mind in the middle of all this insanity was not lost on Danny. Danny wasn’t great at apologies, but he tried. “Blake, I’m—”
“It’s not your fault, Danny,” Blake cut him off, placing his hand on Danny’s shoulder. “Not everything is going to go our way.”
Acknowledging Blake was right with a simple nod, Danny nonetheless voiced that they should have stayed out of it and just let Eddie and his brother die. There was no argument to those words. That’s probably what everyone else would have done. Still, deep in his heart, Danny believed his intentions had been right. Now he just hoped that would pay off at some point.
They rode the rest of the way in silence. The cold, heavy rain was wreaking havoc with the radar, and the screens in the truck were solid red, no other dots visible. Danny just unplugged it. They passed an enormous wall being built along the state line and had the same reaction as the rest of us. What the hell? They stopped in Wellington to fill up with gas, then at a small army surplus store in Fort Collins to restock on supplies. They found most of what they were looking for and a few bonuses: a tent, more sleeping bags, two inflatable rafts, dynamite, a harpoon gun, rope, packaged military food, wire, ammo, a dozen knives, and even four old-school Soviet winter white camo suits. It was definitely a worthwhile stop.
Danny, Wes and Blake cut across County Road 100 and nervously descended on the abandoned mine north of the reservoir. With great relief, they found us all safe, waiting for them. I got out of the truck when they pulled in, hopeful Tara would too, but she didn’t. I had a feeling I’d hurt her, and that sucked. That hadn’t been my intent at all. I’d just been too selfish. Yeah, I know…again. I was just trying to do the right thing by Sophie. Clearly, I had a great deal to learn about moving on after your wife dies.
Danny climbed out of the truck with a blanket in hand, and brushed past us. “Danny, what—” I started to follow him then saw Wes and Blake climb out and close their doors. Where was Nathan?
Hayley asked them for me. “Where’s Nathan?”
Blake just shook his head. Oh my… Wes and Blake explained what all had happened. They didn’t say anything about it being Danny’s decision, but I figured it had been. I get it now. I glanced over at him as he sat on the ground with his head between his knees. My paternal instincts kicked in, and I started to walk towards him, but Cameron grabbed my arm. “Don’t,” was all he said.
Cameron would know better than all of us what Danny needed at this point. I nodded reluctantly, and slowly turned back to Wes and Blake as they continued with the story. It was a tough blow, losing Nathan like we did—I felt like we barely got to know him. But it was clear by the way Blake spoke of him that he’d been a great guy—a funny, friendly guy. Blake had to choke back the emotions several times. This sucked. We were quite fortu
nate, and certainly grateful that the rest of us were still safe, but Nathan would be missed. Danny was lying on his blanket now—eyes closed—but I knew he was awake, listening to the rain and probably pretty deep in thought. For the first time on the trip, some serious questions were being raised about his ability to make the best decisions for the group. Fair or not, Danny wasn’t objecting to the questions or defending himself. There was a good chance even he didn’t believe he’d done the right thing now, but he wouldn’t have done it in the first place if it hadn’t seemed right then. It was hard, but he had to trust himself. We all had to keep trusting him.
I knew from experience the waves of self-doubt were hard to paddle through. He made a judgment call, and it was done, but I knew if saving Eddie ended up costing any of our lives, Danny would never forgive himself. A lesser man would’ve never even had the courage to put his convictions before his own life. But sometimes those convictions lead to loss and failure. Sometimes right is wrong. It was a lot of pressure for a twenty year old. We all had to help him get through this. The alternative would be devastating to all of us.
--------------------
Meanwhile, Eddie drove down to Highway 34 to scout out the entrance to the mountains before circling back to the southern end of Horsetooth Reservoir. He watched as a lone vehicle appeared from the north on his screen and came to rest barely four miles away. He wasn’t too worried about it. His screen didn’t flash, as it would have if the other vehicle had any form of radar. Since he was pretty sure the Americans had some form of radar, he was confident this one vehicle wasn’t theirs. His men were already mostly asleep, but he had too much on his mind to allow himself similar rest. The precision of their rescue by the unknown soldiers had been eerie. Every shot a kill shot. No bullets wasted. He never saw so much as a shadow of them. And then that voice speaking English. That hadn’t sounded African, or Chinese, or anything other than American. And why did their rescuers help them and then leave? Did they not expect anything in return? He watched the single red dot on the screen gradually fade out as it cooled and then disappeared altogether. Eddie glanced at his watch and then pulled his hat down over his eyes. A few hours rest would serve him well.
2020: Emergency Exit Page 15
