by Liz Tuccillo
“Serena. Can I get you anything? Some tea or coffee? Maybe an egg or something?”
Serena just shook her head into her arms. Ruby stood there, not knowing exactly what should happen next. She thought about what mothers do in this type of situation. They wouldn’t take no for an answer. That’s what they would do. They would go make something even after the person had refused all help or comfort. So Ruby turned back around and went into the kitchen. She poured some water into her teakettle, turned a burner on, and set the kettle down. She then opened up her cabinet and perused. She assumed Serena was a tea drinker, being the yogi she was. Ruby remembered that she had bought a box of green tea once, in her one attempt to start drinking it for its amazing antioxidant attributes, even though no one had ever successfully explained to her what an antioxidant was. She reached deep into the shelf and pulled out the green tea and, when the kettle whistled, made Serena a cup. Ruby opened a little container of Fage (a thick, tasty Greek yogurt) and got a spoon. She walked back to Serena, deciding to push the intimacy a bit by sitting right on the bed. She touched Serena’s arm.
“Would you like a cup of green tea? It’s right here.”
No answer. Ruby’s instincts were kicking in and she knew to just wait. After a moment, Serena slowly pushed herself up and leaned against the back of the sofa bed. Ruby thought that, with her shaved little head and her puffy eyes, Serena looked an awful lot like a baby ostrich.
“Thanks, Ruby. I appreciate it,” Serena said weakly. She took the green tea and sipped it. Hallelujah. Ruby felt her heart swell with maternal pride. “Do you want to talk about it?” asked Ruby.
Serena looked down into her tea and didn’t speak. “I just had no idea how nice it felt to be in love.” The corner of Serena’s lips started turning down and tears formed in her eyes. “It made me so stupid.”
Ruby took Serena’s hand and just softly said, “I’m so sorry, sweetie.”
Serena continued. “And then it wasn’t even real. It was all a fake. So how could I have even been in love if it was all a lie? Was I so desperate to be in love that I just made it all up?”
Ruby truly didn’t know what to say. But she tried to be helpful. “Maybe this was just a rehearsal. Maybe you needed this one to open you up to be in love with someone who’s worthy.”
Serena glanced at the container in Ruby’s hand.
“What is that?”
“It’s Greek yogurt with honey. Really thick and yummy. Want to try?”
Serena nodded subtly. Ruby dipped the spoon into the yogurt and held it out for Serena to take. But instead, Serena leaned in and opened her mouth, as if holding the spoon would take more energy than she had. Ruby placed the spoon in Serena’s mouth. Serena smiled. “That’s good.”
“Don’t you have a meeting soon?” Ruby asked gently.
Serena nodded slowly. She took a deep breath. “I guess I should get up.”
But before Serena swung her legs out of the bed to get up, she looked at Ruby.
“Thank you, Ruby.”
Ruby smiled. She was good at this.
After Serena left, Ruby started thinking that maybe there was a way around this whole single-motherhood issue. She realized that maybe she didn’t have to do it alone. There were many ways to get a father into this situation. As she walked down the street to her office, which was conveniently just blocks away, she started thinking about who could possibly knock her up. It came to her instantly. Her friends Dennis and Gary. They were her friends with the most stable relationship she knew of. They had been together three years and lived in a beautiful loft on Eighteenth Street in Chelsea. Ruby lived on the Upper West Side—but she would be happy to move to Chelsea so they could share parenting duties. She thought she remembered them talking about having children one day. She couldn’t believe she didn’t think of it before. They were the two most nurturing people she’d ever met. Often, one person in a couple is the really sweet one, and the other is more the “bad cop” kind. But with Dennis and Gary, they are both so caring that when you go to their house you feel like you’ve entered a magical bed and breakfast where everything is soft and cozy and your every need is taken care of. Ruby met Gary when he lived next door to her five years ago, and they’ve been close ever since. When Dennis came along, he and Ruby liked each other immediately. They got together fairly often, one big happy family. Ruby started playing it out in her mind. She would have primary custody of the baby, but they could be around as much as they wanted. And best of all, she wouldn’t have just one dad for her kid, she’d have two. She would have the freedom to go out and still have a life, because Dennis and Gary would be there to take the child. Maybe they could even find apartments in the same building.
Ruby wondered exactly how this would all happen. Whose actual sperm would it be? Gary or Dennis? They’re both deeply good-looking, both ridiculously fit. Dennis is a little more stocky than Gary. But Gary has terrible eyesight. But Dennis is starting to lose his hair. But Gary was her friend first; maybe it would be better if it was Dennis’s child, so he wouldn’t feel left out. She had read somewhere that sometimes male couples mix the sperm together and play a semen version of Russian roulette. Ruby could see it all. The child in a BabyBjörn carrier, dressed all in pink. Or blue. Ruby carrying the blue or pink baby around, as it gurgled and babbled. The blue or pink baby walking around the apartment, she and Dennis and Gary clapping and laughing. And then maybe she’d meet someone. And that someone would think she’s so cool with her crazy, modern clan and he’d fit right in. Maybe he’d have kids of his own and they’d be this kooky progressive mixed family. She loved the idea so much she couldn’t wait another moment. She pulled out her cell phone and made a date to see Dennis and Gary for lunch.
On the day of the lunch, Ruby had decided to dress “maternally.” She wore a loose-fitting peasant blouse, loose pants, and a cute pair of flats. The way the blouse fit, she almost looked pregnant already and that was exactly the plan: Let Dennis and Gary see what it would be like if she was already carrying their child. How soft and womanly and maternal she could be. Unfortunately, she wasn’t sure how soft anyone would seem amid the clamor of hipsters eating salads and burgers, yelling over the throbbing music.
They told her to meet them at Cafeteria, which, upon arrival, Ruby realized was a misstep. Cafeteria is possibly the noisiest restaurant in New York City. With the combination of the loud techno music and the din of the diners it was like trying to have lunch in the middle of a rave.
Ruby was nervous; she had never had this kind of conversation before. She had never even asked a guy out; she didn’t believe in it and never had to resort to it. Now, she wasn’t just going to propose marriage, but rather something that you could never take back. It would be a decision that would bond them together for the rest of their lives. More than that, she was about to have the nerve to ask these uber-caregivers if they thought she was good enough to be the mother of their child.
They arrived. Gary was wearing a suede jacket, impeccable, perfect, and Dennis was in a black cashmere turtleneck with a down vest over it. Very Lands’ End adorable. They sat down, obviously pleased to see her.
“It’s so great to see you, Ruby,” Dennis said, grabbing Ruby’s hand and giving it a squeeze. Ruby relaxed immediately. These men were going to think she was a good mother. They knew her good qualities better than anyone else. That she’s patient, gentle, calm. So what if they had also been witnesses to a few bouts of her bone-crushing disappointment? No one is perfect. She suddenly remembered Gary once coming over and taking her for a drive in her pajamas. She had been despondent over one guy or another. He told her to get in his car “or else,” and they drove all the way up to Bear Mountain and back. Ruby, in her pajamas and parka, was so touched that it shook her out of her depression and she was able to move on. Now she regretted that Gary had ever seen that side of her. He might use that touching moment against her. She silently cursed herself for not always being perfectly cheerful around her close friend.
What if he thought she was too mentally unstable to be the mother of his or Dennis’s baby?
She decided to just blurt it out. “I want you to inseminate me.”
Ruby put her hands on the table to steady herself.
Gary turned to Dennis and said, “I told you so.”
Ruby looked at them. “What?”
Gary simply shrugged. “I just had a hunch.”
Ruby began her pitch. “You know how responsible I am. I never miss a deadline, no matter how depressed I am or upset I am. Not that I would be depressed or anything, because the reason why I was depressed before was because of guys, you know, giving them so much power over my life. But when I’m a mother, I could never be that depressed about some guy or anything because I would be having a higher calling. I would be a mother.”
Dennis and Gary looked at each other. They looked back at Ruby, each with a different expression of uncomfortable pity in his eyes. Dennis leaned over and touched Ruby’s arm.
“I’m sorry. We just gave our semen to Veronica and Lea.”
Ruby sat there for a moment, taking in this new information. Then she thought, Who the hell are Veronica and Lea? She had never even heard of Veronica and Lea.
“Who are Veronica and Lea?” Ruby asked, a little too much outrage in her voice.
Gary answered. “They’re our friends that we met doing volunteer work at the soup kitchen near our house. A lesbian couple. They’re really nice.”
“New friends? You gave new friends your semen over me?” Ruby said, softly but with a trembling in her voice.
“We didn’t know you wanted it!”
“But you could have asked! Before you gave your semen over to strangers you should have thought for just a minute of which one of your good friends might want your semen first!” Ruby’s voice was raised just a bit, but in the cacophony of talking and techno, no one even noticed. “You should have been more considerate!”
This time, Dennis spoke. “Honey, the last time we talked to you, your cat had just died and you hadn’t gotten out of bed in three days.”
“We came over and washed your hair for you, remember?” Dennis added.
Ruby cringed. She knew it. While they were being nice and nurturing, they had been making little mental notes on her fitness for motherhood. She felt betrayed. She made up her own new rule about how to be single: Never let anyone see you at your worst. Because someday you might want that person’s sperm or to date their brother, so you can’t ever let them see you crazy or sad or ugly. That’s what she would tell me to put in my damn book the minute she had the chance. She immediately calmed down.
“I was depressed. But a lot has happened since then. I went and helped kill dogs at the shelter uptown to toughen up and now I’m ready to have a child.”
Gary and Dennis looked at her, confused. Dennis went in first.
“You helped kill dogs at that awful shelter up in Harlem?”
“Yes. Okay. That’s not the point.” Then Ruby, being a businesswoman, decided to start negotiating. “The point is, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with your lesbian offspring having a half sibling in New York City somewhere. We’ll arrange playdates. It’ll be fun!”
“Ruby, I don’t think—”
The waiter came over to take their orders. He didn’t get the chance.
Ruby raised her voice even louder. “It’s because I’m single, is that it? You’d rather give your semen to a couple even if they’re lesbians, than one single straight woman. I get it now. Single discrimination. Fine.” The waiter quietly excused himself from the table.
Ruby started to get up, but Gary grabbed her arm and sat her back down. “Honey, we’re so sorry, we are.”
Ruby leaned back in her chair. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to overreact. I’m just disappointed.”
“We know, sweetie,” Dennis said, softly. “After we see how this goes, maybe we’d consider having another.”
“Never mind. I understand.” But Ruby wasn’t really sure if she understood. She didn’t know if the real reason they didn’t ask her first was that it didn’t cross their minds, or because they thought she would be a terrible mother. She didn’t know if they really would consider her in a year or two, if things went well with the first child. She didn’t know anything, except that she wanted to retain whatever dignity she might have left.
“I should have asked sooner,” she said, trying to smile. Then the waiter came over and took their orders.
By the time she got back to her office, she had decided that this time she wasn’t going to give in to her disappointment. Theirs was not the only semen in the sea. There were lots of possible fathers out there for her to choose from. And as she was walking into the elevator, she had another brilliant prospect: her gay friend Craig. A former theatrical lighting designer, he’d made a career change a few years before and now drove around selling rare and gourmet mushrooms to the high-end restaurants in the city. He was single and made a decent living, but his sperm couldn’t possibly be as sought-after as the highly cultivated and high-income sperm of Dennis and Gary. She decided to give him a call. But this time she laid it all right out there from the beginning.
“Hi, Craig, this is Ruby. Can we get together and talk about you possibly being the father of my child? How about we meet at Monsoon, at, say, eight tonight? Give me a call.”
When Craig called back, Ruby let it go to voice mail. He agreed to meet her.
At 8:15 Ruby walked into Monsoon, a low-key Vietnamese chain restaurant with great food and unpretentious décor. This time she had decided to have him sitting there waiting for her—it put her in the power position. She sauntered in, wearing an extremely expensive top from Catherine Malandrino and high heels. Not knowing what his reaction would be to this big question, Ruby decided she should at least try to look wealthy. Even though she desperately wanted something from him, she was going to make sure she had something, too. She sat down. Before she had a chance even to say hello, Craig blurted it out.
“I’m HIV positive, Ruby. I never told you.”
Ruby’s stomach flipped. She hadn’t even entertained this as a possibility, mainly because she assumed he would have told her if he was. So she just assumed he wasn’t. She realized now that that was naïve of her. She was also flummoxed as to what the appropriate reaction was. Being HIV positive today means something so different than it used to. Does she say she’s sorry? Does she ask how he is? How his T cells are? What kind of cocktail he’s on?
“I’m sorry to hear that. Are you…?”
“I’m fine, I’ve been on drugs for years, no side effects. I’m going to live to be a hundred.”
“I’m so glad,” Ruby said, relieved. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“No, I’m okay, I just thought you should know, now, because of…everything.”
Ruby nodded. They both got quiet. She thought about this news for a few minutes. Then she came back to thinking about how badly she wanted this child. She had known Craig since college—longer than she’d known Gary. He was an incredibly sweet person, and loyal and kind and consistent. He would be a great father.
“You know, I heard you can do a wash now,” Ruby said.
“What?”
“You know, an HIV wash. On your sperm. Before you inseminate someone. They can clean your sperm of the HIV before you inject it in them and everyone is fine.”
Craig fidgeted in his chair. “Really?”
“Yeah. I read about it in the Times science section, a year ago I think. I think you might have to go to Italy or somewhere to do it, but it can be done.” Ruby didn’t want to seem too pushy, but at the same time, she was determined.
“Oh.” Craig paused, sipping nervously at his tea.
“I know you might be worried about how it could affect me and my health, but I could do research…”
Craig put down his tea. “I know about the wash.”
Ruby brightened up. “Oh, you do? So, does it seem doable? Is it something you might
be interested in—”
Craig interrupted. “Ruby, I don’t want to hurt your feelings and I didn’t think you’d suggest the wash…”
Ruby looked at Craig, confused. “I don’t understand.”
“My friend Leslie already asked if she could do the wash. She’s forty-one and she—”
Ruby pushed her chair out and slammed her hands on the table. She began to speak without thinking.
“No no no no, I don’t want to hear it. I thought I was being generous by being willing to do the wash. I had no idea you were fielding offers from women who were willing to do it.”
“I was surprised, too. But Leslie liked that I went to Brown and was tall,” Craig said sheepishly.
“Who is this Leslie person anyway?” Ruby’s hands were flapping in the air, gesturing at no one in particular.
“She’s my Pilates instructor.”
Ruby pushed her chair back into the table and leaned over to Craig. “Your Pilates instructor?”
Craig looked at her helplessly. “Ruby, if you had asked me first I would have been happy to…”
Just then, the waitress came over. “Do you know what you’d like to order?”
Ruby stood, her coat still on. “Yes. I would like a little, healthy baby girl or boy, ten fingers and toes, with one responsible, kind, coparenting partner on the side. I mean really, is that so much to ask?”
The waitress gave Ruby the death stare, which signified “I’m not going to acknowledge you until you say something not crazy.”
