“Gemma, it’s a real pleasure to see you.” He touched her arm and smiled, meeting her eyes. “How have you been?”
There was more to the question than simply a doctor’s concern; she was sure of it. Ben really wanted to know how she was, Gemma Cardano, not just the patient with the wired jaw and the reconstruction. The way he looked at her, the tone of his voice, the expression on his face—all made her feel attractive, womanly, in spite of what the mirror reflected.
So she took the pad and pen he offered and instead of just scribbling “Okay,” she told him how scared she was that the bruising on her temples and cheekbones wouldn’t go away, that the headaches were fewer and further between but the pain in her jaw made tears pour down her cheeks sometimes, that she hated going out because of how people stared.
He listened and then addressed every single concern, calming her fears, erasing her worries one by one.
“Come and sit on this stool. We’ll make sure everything is healing as it should.” He stood so close she could feel the warmth of his body, even faintly smell his aftershave or deodorant, she wasn’t sure which. It reminded her of oranges, and when he asked if her sense of smell was coming back at all, she nodded and scribbled that down, and he tossed back his head and laughed.
“Nice to know it’s working. Not just your sniffer, my deodorant.”
He put a hand on her shoulder as he leaned over her to examine her face. His strong fingers were gentle, sensitive, as he tipped her head back with one finger under her chin and searched her face. Her heart was hammering, and for the first time since the accident, she felt the stirrings of sexual response, and a wave of heat ran through her.
“This looks amazingly good. You’re healing really. fast.” He stroked a finger down the side of her face, tenderly tracing the red line that was all that remained of the gash that had been there. “I doubt we’ll have to do any further work on this. The scar will be nearly invisible. You have great skin, great recuperative ability.”
There was something special, something warm and loving and intimate, in the way he spoke to her, and the memory of his voice lingered long after she left the office.
The timbre of it, the intonation he used when he said her name, echoed again on Wednesday evening as Gemma waited until her parents left for the movie before going into her bedroom and taking out the familiar envelope that had arrived that afternoon. She hadn’t had a chance to really concentrate on the words because Maria had been nearby when the mailman brought it.
Now she impatiently unfolded the single sheet of paper, heart pounding in anticipation:
Gemma,
I lie in an empty bed,
While shadows flow around me,
Your perfume fresh in my nostrils.
The memory of your voice,
Whispering in my inner ear,
Words not spoken.
How will I get from dark to daylight
Without you, Gemma?
She sighed and reread it. The guy had such a way with words. She’d never been much on poetry, couldn’t understand most of it, but these poems were different.
They were about her, written for her, and they touched something deep inside. This was the fourth one; she was getting one almost every day now. The arrival of the mailman had become the focus of her entire life.
She’d hidden the poems in her bureau, in the carved wooden box she’d used to hide her cigarettes when she was twelve, and she still hadn’t told a living soul.
This whole thing was too new, too special, to share with anyone. She’d let Sera in on it when the right time came, but for now she just wanted to keep it private and think about whoever was sending these beautiful love messages to her.
She thought she knew. She was sure she knew. It hadn’t taken much effort to figure it out, either. There was only one man in her life now who was sophisticated, smart and verbal enough to write such things: Ben Halsey.
Her own Dr. Ben. She could see him clearly in her mind’s eye, his caring smile, the attentive and gentle expression in his green eyes. She could hear his voice repeating each word. She understood that as long as she was his patient, of course he couldn’t say anything directly to her, which was why he sent her the poetry, instead.
He was waiting until she was completely healed, until she was no longer his patient, to reveal that he cared about her romantically.
She longed for that moment to arrive. She’d been guzzling down every drop of the horrible stuff Maria blended for her, in the hope that it really would speed up the healing. Now she had a powerful reason to get better fast.
“Gemma, hi, it’s me.” Sera’s tap on the bedroom door startled her. She stuffed the poem into the box with the others and shoved it back in the drawer a bare instant before her sister came in.
“How ya doin’?” Sera gave her a hug and a smile. “We finished a while ago. I thought I’d come over and talk you into going for a walk, it’s so nice outside. How about it?"
Gemma shook her head, and Sera looked exasperated.
“You’ve gotta start getting some exercise or soon you won’t have any muscle tone left. Your skin’ll sag and your thighs will have those ugly ripples.”
So far, Gemma had refused to step foot out the door of her parents’ house except for trips to Ben’s office. She hated the way strangers gawked at her, hated their fascinated, horrified glances that telegraphed What the hell happened to you? They’d look away quick, but clearly it was a big effort not to stare. The worst part was knowing that before this had happened to her, she’d done exactly the same thing when she’d encountered someone out of the ordinary. She vowed she’d never do it again. From now on, she’d look, and smile, and say some- thing that made the person at least feel human.
“What d’ya think, Em? About that walk?”
Gemma knew Sera was expecting her to refuse again. It felt good to change her mind and indicate yes and see the surprise on her sister’s face. It felt good to find her shoes and follow Sera out into the soft summer evening.
“This week’s been busy. We’ve been filming extra episodes because Lorelei and Bertram have parts in a movie, and they’ve got to go back to L.A. next week. We’re almost done this series anyway. There’ll likely be only a couple more weeks’ work. But there’re two low budget movies that’ll be shot in and around Vancouver. It’s pretty likely our crew’ll get hired on one or both, Maisie says. It would be nice to have a week or two off between, although that probably won’t happen.”
Gemma knew that Lorelei was the actress who played the lead role in Dinah. Gemma had met her once. She was sort of dumpy, not at all the way she looked on TV.
Gemma envied Sera’s getting to meet movie stars, her knowing what went on behind the cameras, but who’d want to live in L.A.? Vancouver was home, and Gemma planned to stay here forever.
A woman passed them, giving Gemma the look. Gemma ignored her. What did it matter now that people stared? She had someone who cared about her, someone special who wasn’t interested in her just because she was sexy and knew how to have a good time.
“Mama told me Jack comes by to see you a lot. He seems like a real nice guy. She said you guys play poker. You ever tell him Uncle Bernardo taught us all the tricks? Or do you let him win once in a while just to keep him interested?”
A niggle of guilt threatened Gemma’s newfound excitement and happiness, but she shoved it to the back of her mind. After all, she wasn’t promising Jack anything by allowing him to come to the house nearly every night, was she? All she was doing was enabling him to work off his guilt; if he chose to spend his evenings playing cards with her and losing, that was up to him, wasn’t it?
Jack didn’t have much of a social life anyway, as far as she could figure; he’d made it abundantly clear the times she’d gone out with him that he wasn’t interested in partying.
Too bad, because he was kind of sexy, in his own inarticulate way. He was different from the men she usually dated; that was for sure. He was forty-one for
starters, a full thirteen years older than she. He drove a vintage Land Rover he’d fixed up himself and he put most of what he earned into materials for a big old house he’d bought and was remodeling.
He was a different sort of guy. Not her sort at all.
Ben, too, was different, although he probably had a fast car, and for sure he had money; everybody knew plastic surgeons made tons of money. But he had a depth that all the men she’d dated in the past had lacked.
Except Jack, and he didn’t really count.
She’d fallen in love a couple of times before, but never as with Ben; none of the men had ever been this romantic. She’d thought for a while Raymond was romantic, but she’d been so mistaken. Raymond was the loser she’d married. He’d bought her flowers and perfume, and she’d believed he was strong and capable, someone who could handle her, someone who saw past her fast mouth and wild ways to the insecure kid she hid so well from the world. Instead, he’d been a world-class liar and a con artist, and in the end a coward, as well. He’d smacked her around once.
Only once. Gemma had called her dad, who’d put the fear of death into Raymond and then spent a fortune on a lawyer who got an order to keep him from coming near her ever again. She’d never told Sera about that, and she’d begged her dad not to tell either Mama or Sera.
He’d given her a lecture, but when it was over Papa had promised, and Aldo always kept his promises.
“I was thinking about you and Raymond the other day, how you met him and got married within a month.”
Gemma’s whole body tensed. Sometimes having a twin was both uncanny and dangerous. It felt at times like this that Sera was actually reading her mind, and in a way she was. They picked up stuff from each other; they always had.
‘‘I remember envying you so much when you got married,” Sera was saying. “I know it didn’t work out, but still, you tried it. Marriage, I mean. I’d never have the guts to just go ahead and get married.”
Not guts, Gemma wanted to say. Not brains, either.
Blind stupidity was more like it.
Sera was way too smart to get herself into a mess like Raymond. And imagine St. Sera envying Gemma anything.
The truth was, it was always she who’d envied Sera. Her sister had a stability that she herself lacked, an ability to zero in on what she wanted and go after it, follow it through and make it work for her. There was a core of integrity in Sera that Gemma had always known was missing in her personality, no matter how much alike they were in other ways. It was as if nature had slipped up; instead of giving them exactly the same personalities, Sera had received the best of the deal.
Good twin, bad twin. It didn’t take a genius to figure out which was which in the Cardano family.
“Think you’ll ever try marriage again?” Sera turned to look at her sister, waiting for a response.
Gemma hesitated and then she nodded. She would; of course she would. She’d marry Ben in a minute if the time came. It would be such a relief to belong to someone like him, to just relax and be taken care of, not to have to chase affection or try to prove she was worthy.
“Maisie’s talking about buying an apartment or a condo in Vancouver,” Sera said next. “I guess it started me thinking about settling down someday.”
Gemma felt the familiar surge of jealousy and betrayal she always experienced when Sera talked about Maisie. Weren’t the two of them, Sera and Gemma, supposed to be each other’s best friends?
Nature had intended it that way; why else had they been born identical twins? But Sera had gone away since they’d grown up, not just physically, but emotionally, as well. And she’d given the intimacy that rightfully belonged to Gemma to a stranger. The one positive thing about getting smashed in the face was that it had brought her and Sera close again.
“I don’t know if I could do a good job of being married,” Sera was saying thoughtfully. “I’ve always figured marriage meant having to give up a big part of yourself. I felt sorry for Mama when we were growing up. She seemed to always put everybody else’s needs first, especially Papa’s. And he expects it.”
Gemma didn’t think that way at all. She’d spent more time with her mother and father lately than she had since early childhood. She’d done more listening and watching than ever before, and she’d noticed things about her parents.
Getting smashed had done that to her, made her notice stuff she’d been too busy to look at before.
Maria and Aldo cared about each other on all sorts of different levels, and somehow they’d managed to use their differences to make their union interesting and strong. She didn’t think Mama did anything she didn’t want to do. Sure, Papa was old fashioned and had definite ideas about how everybody should act, but Mama had a way of making him see reason.
But then, Sera had always been closer to their mother than Gemma. Maybe Mama had told Sera things she hadn’t told Gemma.
Maria had always been able to see Gemma’s bad side, and that had caused lots of tension between them. Aldo had been Gemma’s confidant She’d always known that whatever mess she got into, her papa would be there for her. He might rant and rave, but in the end he always helped.
“I went to a barbecue last weekend, mostly married couples with little kids. The guys did as much diapering and cooking as the women did. That’s the sort of relationship I want,” Sera was saying. “If I ever find the right guy.”
At that moment, Gemma desperately wanted to tell Sera that she thought she had met the right guy, but she didn’t have a damned pen or paper with her. She touched Sera’s shoulder and turned around, even though they’d gone only a few blocks.
Besides wanting to confide in her sister about Ben, Gemma knew Jack was coming over in a little while. He’d offered to teach her how to use the Internet and he was bringing over his laptop computer. She’d never been interested in computers before, but having Ben explain how he’d used computer imaging to fix her face intrigued her. She wanted to learn all she could about Ben’s work so she’d have something to talk to him about. When she could talk again.
“I happened to see Dr. Halsey yesterday afternoon,” Sera said offhandedly. “He told me you’d been in his office in the morning. He said he’s really pleased with how you’re healing. You do look great, Em. Not much longer now, and your jaw will be healed, too, and we can really talk again. This one sided conversation is a royal pain.”
Gemma was instantly on guard. Instead of confiding in Sera, when they got home she found a pen and paper and scribbled, How did you happen to see Dr. Ben yesterday?
“Oh, he dropped by the set. He wanted to see how a television sitcom was made.”
Alarms went off in Gemma’s head and heart.
Sera liked him. Gemma knew immediately, despite her sister’s attempt at sounding ultracasual. In big, scrawling letters she printed Hands off on Ben, Sera. I really go for him, and I’m pretty sure he feels the same.
Sera took a long time to reply. Her head was bent over the paper, so Gemma couldn’t see her expression.
At last she looked up, straight into Gemma’s eyes. She looked for a long time and then she nodded.
Gemma knew her smile wasn’t genuine, though.
“Okay, Gemma. We’re not gonna disagree over a man.” There was a tiny catch in her voice, and Gemma cursed the wires in her jaw. It was so hard for her to communicate through writing.
While she was trying to figure out how much else to tell Sera, the doorbell rang and Jack arrived.
Sera talked to him for a brief moment about the computer he’d brought and then, with a goodbye that Gemma knew Sera intended to be light and cheerful, she left.
Jack was an excellent teacher, and Gemma quickly became engrossed in the workings of the computer. Within a few moments, excited by learning a new skill, she’d forgotten the awkward episode with her sister.
Sera drove blindly to a small park not far from her parents’ house. She turned off the motor and let her shoulders slump, as she struggled with the conflicting feeli
ngs that coursed through her.
In spite of the sickness in her gut, the overwhelming sense of unfairness, she had to make sense of what had just occurred.
She forced herself to deal with just the facts, to put aside her raw and painful emotions. Gemma was attracted to Ben, perhaps as powerfully as Sera herself was.
Her sister had been severely injured, in a fashion that every woman shuddered even to imagine. Gemma’s self esteem was at an all time low. Was Ben attracted to Gemma? Sera thought not, but how could she be certain? Something more than just her sister’s imagination must be involved here. Injured or not, Gemma was no fool, certainly not where men were concerned. She wouldn’t have a thing for Ben unless he’d given her some encouragement, would she?
That Ben could have shown her sister some of the same affection he was showing her hurt most of all.
And this wasn’t really about Ben, Sera reminded herself sternly. It was about her and her sister. It was about the genetic cell deep similarity that doomed them to fall in love with the same men. She stared blindly out for a long time, at kids on the play equipment, at soccer players madly chasing a ball, at young moms pushing their strollers. Gradually, the light faded and the park emptied. The street lamps came on, and the warmth of the summer day began to fade as night settled on the city.
It was after ten when at last she started the car, backed up and pulled into traffic, knowing exactly what she would do, what she had to do.
As she’d told her sister earlier, she wouldn’t compete with her over a man.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Maisie’s apartment had character but no elevator. After ten minutes, Sera was still breathing heavily from the three sets of stairs she’d climbed to reach it.
“It’s not the bloody set I’m concerned about, luv. It’s you,” Maisie declared. “There’s not much left to do. I can handle it fine. If you want to leave a couple days early, it’s not a big deal. The filming’s nearly done anyway. But what’s the hurry?”
Maisie scowled at Sera and wrapped the voluminous terry robe tighter around her middle. She’d been in the bathtub when Sera rang to say she needed to see her right away. There was a trail of wet footprints on the rug leading from the bathroom to the door.
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