Let Me Be the One

by Christa Maurice

  “One more time, Suzi, please,” he whispered, nipped her shoulder. “I’m begging you for one more time.”

  She bent to him. “One more time,” she murmured.

  Logan lifted her off the floor and carried her out of the kitchen. Drugging her with sex had worked for five years. It could work again.

  Halfway through the common room, Suzi gave a strangled cry, twisting out of his arms. “No,” she sobbed. “Stop.” Dropping to the floor, she staggered to the back of the couch.

  Logan froze. Another ten feet, and he could have had her. His thwarted body throbbed, but his heart ached more. The only things keeping her up were her pride and the couch.

  “I’m not with him just because I couldn’t be with you.” Suzi rocked like someone had stuck a sword in her gut.

  “I know that.”

  “I don’t think you do.” Suzi’s face was streaked with tears. “How can you make me feel so good and so bad at the same time?”

  “What?”

  “I loved you. I gave you the most precious gift I had to give. I did everything I could to please you, and all you could do was treat me like crap.”

  “I never treated you like crap,” Logan whispered. “I treated you like a queen.”

  “Who? Catherine of Aragon?”

  Logan threw his hands in the air. “Who the fuck is Catherine of Aragon?”

  “The first of Henry the Eighth’s wives.”

  “I never cheated on you.”

  “It felt like you did. It felt like you had sex with every one of those women you flirted with right in front of me.”

  “And it’s all my fault.” Logan wasn’t sure if he was serious or sarcastic.

  “No, it’s my fault, too. I thought I could be okay with it, but I never was.” Suzi wiped her face. “I should have made my feelings clear sooner. Before I stormed out of that party.”

  “That might have helped. Not treating me like a moron might have helped, too.”

  “Logan, I never treated you like a moron, but I’m sorry if you felt that way.” She straightened. “Eat your breakfast.” She walked into the bathroom, and a second later the shower started.

  Logan ground his teeth. Being this close to her made him crazy. He wanted to break down the bathroom door, throw her over his shoulder, and carry her to the bedroom so he could make her listen. He wanted to make love to her until they were both sweaty and sated.

  Instead, he stomped into his bedroom and slammed the door.

  * * * *

  When she judged it safe to leave the bathroom, Suzi got dressed and left the cabin. At the top of the stairs, it occurred to her that she had nowhere to go. Standing here wasn’t the most protected position. If this were a zombie movie, something would be snacking on her brains by now. It wouldn’t make a very satisfying meal. Judging by her state of mind, her brains would be tough and stringy.

  She wandered to the hammock. The day before yesterday when Brian decided they needed to go to Ida’s for dinner, she’d left her book, and it was still lying there. She picked it up and wished she could escape back into its pages, but the rain the other night had soaked it through, and now it was a brittle block. Somehow that was symbolic, but if she ever put it in a novel, no one would believe it.

  “Hi Suzi. Doing some reading?” Cassie asked. She stopped on the other side of the hammock.

  “No. Just reminiscing about a simpler time.”

  “Ah.” Cassie nodded. “I was going over to the campground to check on things. Want to take a walk?”

  No. “Sure.” Cassie was probably the best person to talk to. She would have a considered opinion. Suzi fell into step beside her.

  “I swear to you, we didn’t mean to trap you like this.” Cassie led the way along a narrow trail into the woods. “We hoped to get the two of you together to talk. That was it. I just hoped to talk to Logan and find out how sincere he was about getting you back. Jason wanted to lure you here under false pretenses, but my husband has a bit of an underhanded side to him.”

  “I don’t blame you. I had to face Logan sometime.”

  Cassie walked in silence for a minute. “So, you and Brian.”

  “Maybe.”

  “Maybe?”

  “I don’t know what to do, Cassie. I love Brian, but I still love Logan.” Suzi bit her lip. “I think I still love Logan.”

  “You think?”

  “We have so much history. It’s hard to forget that.”

  “History is nice, but it can trick you. You end up staying with the known quantity even though it’s killing you. Of course, jumping at the next thing along isn’t a great idea, either.”

  “Wife, mother, campground owner, and amateur psychologist.”

  “You’d be surprised how often that stuff goes together. Let’s focus for a minute on Brian. You and Brian were always close. When did you fall in love with him?”

  “I think I’ve always been in love with him. I just could never do anything about it.”

  “So Paul was right.”

  Suzi frowned at Cass. “Paul told you?”

  “Paul is the Google of gossip. That summer you two walked down the mountain and into town, he asked me if you were a couple, and when I told him no, he said you should be. And then he told everyone in town the two of you were good friends.”

  “Fabulous.”

  “Welcome to the wonderful world of small town living.” Cass put her arm around Suzi’s shoulders and gave her a brief hug. “When did the relationship…deepen?”

  “The day before yesterday. I had a secret crush on him, but Paul and Ida both made comments about us, so I asked him and…well, that’s when it deepened.” Suzi shoved her hands in her pockets. How could she write all this stuff for strangers to read, but she couldn’t say it out loud to a friend?

  “So you only had one day.”

  “Yes.”

  “And what about Logan?”

  “I’ve had years with Logan, but he’s always flirting with other women, and you know what some of those women are like. They think no means keep trying because my girlfriend isn’t here.”

  Cass rolled her eyes. “Tell me about it. If groupies applied their single-minded purpose to politics, we’d have world peace.”

  “I used to find him all the time with girls sitting in his lap or rubbing his shoulders. He swore it never went any further than that, but how do I know?”

  “I know.”

  “And then you get the geniuses who figure out where the hotel is and show up at the door in nothing but a raincoat and high heels.”

  “That’s not going to be much different with Brian. I’ve opened doors on some very interesting deliveries when the guys are on tour. You don’t want to hear your four year old say, mommy, there’s a lady in the hall with no clothes.” Cassie shuddered.

  “I’m sure, but Brian I trust. Logan, I could never take my eyes off.”

  “He is going to therapy about that.”

  “He told me.” Suzi hunched her shoulders. “I almost had sex with him this morning.”

  “With Logan?” Cass stopped at a door in a privacy fence and stared at her wide-eyed.

  “I didn’t, but for a minute there it seemed like a great idea. I’ve just been with him for so long, and I heard you all fighting in the kitchen this morning. I just wanted everything to go back to the way it was.”

  “Oh, that. That was nothing. Jason doesn’t like it when he doesn’t get his way. He’ll get over it. He already is. When I left the house, he and Brian were headed into the studio to play around and make up song lyric koans.”

  “They know ‘Billy Don’t Be A Hero’ is a protest song, right?”

  “It doesn’t matter. What matters is, no woman is going to come between them. If Bonnie couldn’t, you sure can’t because Jason likes you.” Cassie lifted the latch but didn’t open the door. “Suzi, let me ask you the real simple question that led to my divorce.”

  “
What’s her name?”

  Cassie smirked but didn’t deck her, which Suzi figured she deserved after that snide comment. “My father asked me one day if my ex-husband made me happy. Does Logan make you happy?”

  “He’s trying to.”

  “What about Brian?”

  Suzi smiled. She couldn’t remember a time when Brian didn’t make her happy. After the sex video broke, he was the first one who had reached her. In England, in the middle of his own misery, he had lashed out at her and then hunted her down to apologize, but didn’t take advantage of her even though she was drunk and willing. When she arrived here, he had let her lay in a hammock for five days reading because he didn’t want to hurt her more. He wouldn’t have ever made the first move. This morning, he’d tried to protect her despite being naked.

  “Well, there’s your answer.” Cass pushed open the door. “You should go talk to Brian. They’re still in the studio.”

  Suzi nodded.

  “Suzi.” Cassie caught Suzi’s arm. “You have to tell him about the near miss with Logan this morning.”

  “Do I have to?” Suzi cringed.

  “You don’t want him getting a ramped-up version from Logan. I’m sure he’ll understand.”

  Suzi nodded. “Thanks Cassie.” She watched her feet as she went back down the path, rehearsing what she needed to say to Brian. Her stomach knotted. At the time, getting back together with Logan had seemed like the best thing to do. Put everything back the way it was. She should have known. This wasn’t a book she could delete half a scene and rewrite it to make everything work out. She couldn’t just clip out the subplots that weren’t working. If she could, she’d take out the whole scene of this morning. All of it, from midnight on. She’d reset it in Brian’s room so they would be found by Jason or Cassie instead of Logan. Or go back two days so Brian called Jason and told him the good news before any of them arrived. Then they all could have laughed about it instead of fighting.

  Chapter 21

  At the studio window, Suzi had to stop rewriting her own past. She peeked through. Brian was sitting alone, scowling at the guitar in his lap. Cassie said he and Jason were the best of friends again. Was she wrong? Brian smiled when he saw her at the window. Setting aside the guitar, he headed for the door.

  Suzi met him at the corner of the building.

  “Where have you been?” he asked, guiding her into the shade of the trees.

  “Hiding.”

  “From me?”

  Suzi wrapped her arms around his waist. “Hold me.”

  “Of course, Angel. Of course.” Brian held her close, leaning his head on top of hers. “What’s the matter?”

  “I heard you fighting with Jason and Cassie before.”

  “It’s not the first time.”

  “But it was about me,” she said. His eyes were so warm and understanding.

  “You don’t have to worry about it.”

  “I—” Suzi’s breath locked in her chest. She couldn’t tell him. It would hurt him so much.

  “You what?”

  “I had almost sex with Logan today.”

  “You—?” Brian took a step backward, releasing her. Suzi swayed, waiting for his response. “You almost had sex with Logan today? Jesus, you were just in bed with me three hours ago.”

  “I don’t know what happened. We were talking, and it was nice. Like it used to be. And I started to remember…”

  Brian stalked deeper into the trees. Twigs snapped and crackled under his feet. He raked a hand through his hair. “Remember what?”

  Suzi clutched her hands. “It’s just… We were together for a long time, and I was thinking it would be easier if I just got back together with him. Then nobody would have to fight anymore. We could all just go back to the way things were. But I didn’t do it.”

  Brian crossed back to her in three strides, caught her by the shoulders, and pressed her against a thick oak. “The way things were? You want to go back to being his sex toy? You want to go back to him humiliating you all the time?”

  “He swears he can change.” Suzi shuddered. She hadn’t expected violence, but somehow it seemed right. His hands dug into her shoulders, as if he’d never let her go.

  “I can change, too. You want to be treated like a groupie slut? I can do that.” He leaned into her face. “I can fuck your brains out ten times a day and treat you like shit in between times. I can ignore everything you say until you walk away, and then come crawling on my hands and knees, begging you to come back. Is that what you want?”

  “It wasn’t like that.”

  “Tell me, what was it like? I just spent five years listening to you make excuses for him. Watching him laugh at the way you blushed when they called you Randy Mirandy. I listened to him brag about how hot you were. How willing and flexible. Are you going to tell me it’s not always like that?”

  “He’s trying to change.”

  “I bet. He’ll change until the minute he has you back again, and then you think you’re going to be able to run to me for advice on how to keep him happy.” He pressed into her. “I’ll do anything for you, but I can’t be your friend anymore. I can’t stand on the outside anymore.”

  Cass expected him to kiss her, or start taking off her clothes, but he didn’t. Instead, he leaned his head into the curve of her neck and held her.

  Abruptly, he dropped her and turned away. “You’ve gotta make up your mind, Suzi.” He kept his back to her.

  “Brian,” she whispered. The sound couldn’t have carried to him over the wind in the trees, but he flinched and then stomped back to the studio.

  She wanted to chase after him, but her feet had intentions in the other direction. Instead of taking the stairs, she scrambled down the steep hillside to the ledge where the guest cabin sat. Skirting the far side of the pond, she concentrated on being invisible.

  “Suzi!”

  Shit, not invisible.

  The porch door banged. “Suzi!”

  “You son of a bitch!” she shouted. “What did you tell them?” A flock of birds shot into the sky overhead, screaming.

  Logan stopped on the other side of the pond. His eyes went wide. “What?”

  “What did you tell them about us? I’m willing and flexible? Did you tell them I was a whore or a nympho?”

  Logan held out his hands. “I never said anything like that.”

  “You did. I know you did. Did you tell everyone about that night in Portland with Greg and the bottle of tequila, too? Did you make it sound like we did that all the time?” Too furious to go around the water, she splashed into the middle of the pond. “You bastard. I can’t believe I ever trusted you.”

  “I never said anything to anyone.”

  “You never loved me. I was never anything to you but a good fun fuck.” She scooped up a handful of mud and threw it at him.

  “Suz!” Logan ducked but got splattered, anyway. “No. I loved you. I still love you. I know I made mistakes.”

  “Mistakes like talking about our sex life in public. You were the one who made that sex video and released it, weren’t you?”

  “No! I would never do that. How can you even think that?”

  “It fits with the rest of the pattern.” Suzi wiped tears off her cheek and succeeded in getting mud all over her face. “And now all you want to do is ruin my chances with Brian. That’s why you wanted to get me into bed this morning. To wreck things with Brian, and I was stupid enough to consider it. He loved me, you know that?”

  “I love you.” Logan waded into the pond.

  “Dammit Logan, it’s over. Can’t you see it’s just time to let go?”

  “What is going on?” Jason yelled from the stairs.

  Suzi glanced at him and then back at Logan. The sound of the stream flowing down the mountain reminded her of a flushing toilet. She dove into the undergrowth at the edge of the ledge and plunged down the hill. A branch whipped across her cheek, bringing more tears t
o her eyes.

  She’d ruined it all. Every chance she had at being happy. If she’d only gone to Brian’s room last night instead of the cabin, Logan wouldn’t have found them this morning. If she’d answered Brian’s emails when she first left Logan, she could have gone to his house to lick her wounds and never left.

  If she’d just kissed him that day they climbed down this stream five years ago….

  * * * *

  “What happened?” Brian asked from the top of the hill. Through the studio window, he’d seen Jason running across the lawn. When he walked out, there had been yelling, including Suzi’s high pitched, panicked voice.

  Logan waded across the little pond beside the guest cabin. He was spattered with mud. Jason had run down the stairs and around the corner of the cabin before Brian got outside. No Suzi. There was a hole in the bushes near the mouth of the stream.

  “What the fuck is going on?” Jason roared.

  “Suzi went completely cuckoo and ran.” Logan started lifting away branches from the mouth of the stream. “Suzi!”

  Something crashed down the hillside.

  The knot in Brian’s stomach tightened. He’d explored these woods with her. Snagging branches. Rocks covered in slime. Holes hidden under leaves. Ledges and small cliffs appeared out of nowhere. There were snakes and spiders and other critters. She was always careful because if she wasn’t, she could break her neck.

  She was following the stream.

  Brian bounded down the hill.

  “Where are you going?” Logan demanded, trying to block the way.

  “After her.” Brian ducked around him and slid down the first drop.

  He should have kept his temper when she came to talk to him. He remembered the surprise in her eyes, but at the time, it hadn’t penetrated. Surprise and something else. Brian frowned. When he had pinned her to the tree, her eyes had gone dark, excited. Like she’d expected him to make love to her.

  She’d come to him to confess almost screwing Logan within hours of being in bed with him and not long enough after Jason insinuated he’d never be able to keep her satisfied. Why would she be turned on? Was it because he was mad? She and Logan had a stormy relationship. Maybe that was the way their relationship worked. They fought so they could make up. Bonnie had been like that. Most of the conversations he had with Suzi about her relationship had been about not getting into fights with Logan. How to keep things calm. Most of the time, when drama got whipped up around her, Suzi found a reason to leave. She ran, she wrote, she found a burning need to leave the scene. She was passionate enough about things without having to induce.