“Jake sends you his love.”
“Oh. Thank you. We look forward to meeting you, awfully.”
“Yes,” I said. “It does seem silly we’ve never met.”
I went over to Jake and kissed him. He still seemed a little stunned. “There you are. You can do the rest.”
He grabbed my wrist and pulled me round to face him. “Have you been having an affair with that doctor or something?”
“How did you guess?”
“Something’s happened. You look about eighteen. You look cunning.”
“It’s the pills,” I said. “He gave me pills. They’re very rejuvenating.”
“What are you hiding? There’s something. What is it?”
“Nothing.”
“You’ve got some plan, I can tell that. Haven’t you got some plan?”
“Of course not.” But as I said it I knew. I might have a plan. How stupid of me not to think of it before. Hated doctor, darling Jake — naturally I have a plan.
13
“Professional men,” Bob Conway said, “are all alike — doctors, lawyers, parsons, bloody parasites the lot of them. I call myself a tradesman because that’s the only thing I’ve any respect for — a man’s trade. Take these head-shrinkers now, you can’t call that decent work, man’s work, no, not in my honest opinion. In my honest opinion the whole bunch of them are a lot of frauds. About the only thing these leeches can cure is a case of clap. How about measles, how about mumps — our kid had mumps while Beth was away, so I know, I can tell you. How about the common cold, how about a cure for that?”
He was about fifty, squat, fat, with a throttling bow tie and small, twinkling eyes. His eyes twinkled as though hung in his head to frighten the birds away. He reminded me of someone, but I couldn’t think who. I moved round him a little and caught sight of Dinah pinned into a corner by John Hurst. She signalled “Help!” over his shoulder and turned it neatly into a radiant smile.
“Excuse me …” I said, “but I must…”
“We all know what we want,” Bob Conway said, “and what the hell’s the good of wondering why we want it? Well, I know what I want, and the more of it the better!” He nudged me with his empty glass.
“Jake …” By stepping back and plunging my arm between two unknown and startled guests, I managed to catch him. “Mr. Conway needs a drink. Can you …?”
I edged over to Dinah. Hurst was clutching the high bookshelf with both hands and had her penned between them. I ducked under one of his arms and rose up next to Dinah. He was incapable, it seemed, of moving and for a few moments, until he fell on me, Dinah and I jostled each other like people in a small lift.
“Darling Mrs. Jake!” he said. “Darling! What about this steaming girl of yours? Isn’t she a beauty? Isn’t she marvellous?” At this he fell, enveloping me. Dinah blushed and giggled. “I’ve been telling her she should go on the movies. No, honestly. She’d make a fortune. Darling Mrs. Jake, where’s that old fox of yours been hiding you, you should have been there!”
“I wish I — ”
“We could have had a marvellous time! You simply abandoned us to that ghastly Dante, you know that.”
“Well,” I said, flicking an eyelid at Dinah, “there was Beth.”
He lowered his voice to a roar. “Tiny bit boring, between you and me. Strict secrets, of course. English Rose stuff. Deathville, as far as I’m concerned. Anyway, she’s got the most ghastly breath, haven’t you noticed?”
“I haven’t… been very close.”
“Well, believe me she has. Darling! My angel!” He had been clasped from the rear by a thin, faceless girl wearing black leather. She towed him away. Dinah said, “Gosh, thanks. I thought I was done for.”
“I rather like him.”
“Well, he’s certainly marvellous for his age. I say, Dad’s very with it tonight, isn’t he? I didn’t know Beth Conway had red hair, I thought it was sort of blonde. She’s jolly pretty, I must say, what an awful thing to say about her breath.”
“Do you want to meet someone? There’s a cameraman called Ned.”
“I met him, he’s queer as a coot. I think I’ll go to bed if you don’t mind. Dad won’t notice, will he?”
“I shouldn’t think so. Will you look and see if they’re all all right?”
“Okay. Goodnight, then.”
The curious exhilaration of the day was going; I could feel it leaving me empty, lonely, uncertain again. I wanted to touch Jake, to be quiet. Everyone in the room was frolicking in love, splashing each other with love, falling about in it, drinking it, pretending to drown in love. Jake and a tall, spectacled American were wreathed together like schoolgirls. Beth Conway was being hugged by Hurst, in spite of her breath. The cameraman was curled up on the continuity girl’s lap, nuzzling into her mohair breast. I drank a glassful of champagne that someone had left on the bookcase. It was immediately filled again by Conway who said, “I’m hanging on to this bottle, it’s the easiest way.”
“Oh,” I said. “Good.” Jake was mobile at parties, relentlessly leaving people in the middle of a sentence, always planning his next move. I seemed to go from trap to trap. I finished the champagne, hoping it would quell a rising despair.
“Somebody told me that gorgeous little blonde is one of your daughters,” Bob Conway said. “You haven’t sent her to bed, have you?”
“She’s … she’s gone to bed, yes.”
“How old is she?”
“Sixteen. Well… nearly seventeen.”
“I suppose everyone tells you you look like sisters?”
“Yes,” I said. “Nearly everyone.”
“But she’s not the oldest, is she?”
“No, she’s not the oldest.”
“How old is the youngest, then?”
“Three.” I made a tremendous effort, wrenching my eyes round to look at him. “How old is yours?”
“Oh, she’s two and a half. Prettiest little thing you’ve ever seen, just like her Mum. We miss Beth, I can tell you, when she has to go away like this.”
“I’m sure you do. I… miss Jake, too.”
“Well, it gives us the chance for a little ring-a-ding-ding — eh? Next time they go off, I’ll give you a tootle. You might like to see round the works.”
I stared at him, unbelieving. “What works?”
“I run up Hi-Fi, you know, tape recorders, sound equipment, special stuff. It might interest an intelligent woman like yourself.”
I felt myself swaying slightly, unable to balance on my heels.
“I’m not at all intelligent,” I said. “Not at all.”
“Don’t give me that. I know an intelligent woman when I see one.”
“I learnt two things at school,” I said. “Just two. Shall I tell you what they were?”
“Now don’t shock me.”
“Si-Sing,” I began carefully, “Si-sing est un bon Chinois, ronde comme une pomme et jaune comme un … motte du beurre.”
“That’s French.”
“Right. And the other thing, a corm is the swollen underground stem of an erect shoot. That’s all I learned.”
“Well, you seem to have made pretty good use of that last piece of knowledge, ha, ha. Very good use indeed. You must tell Beth that, she’s got the smuttiest mind of any girl I know, that’s why I married her.” He shook with grim laughter and clutched my arm. I stepped back so wildly that I knocked against a picture on the wall; a screw ripped out and the picture fell to the ground like someone dying. Bob Conway propped it against the wall, consoling it.
“I’ve been meaning to take that picture down for years,” I said. “For nine years. Isn’t that extraordinary? You know, you remind me of someone, and I can’t think who it is. I just can’t think. Perhaps Jake would know. Let’s go and ask him.”
“I must find Beth and tell her …” He raised himself on tiptoe, swaying from left to right with his chin high while the remains of the champagne tipped and swilled in the bottom of his glass. “Where is s
he? Where is Beth?”
“She’s over on the sofa,” I said. “Talking to Jake.”
He looked at me, momentarily sharp, as a man looks at a safe he means to burgle later. My memory struggled. “Eyes in the back of your head?” he asked.
I smiled, obscurely frightened, and allowed him to grasp my upper arm, steering me in front of him along the length of the room. His grip was too tight, his hand wrapped round my arm like a register of blood pressure. Beth was sitting decorously on the sofa. She was looking down at Jake, who sprawled on the floor holding the neck of a champagne bottle between his straddled knees; but at the moment when I broke through, shielding Conway, she raised her head. With his free hand, Conway signalled to her; she waved back, moving only her fingers, and her face, which had been shadowed and solemn, seemed to blaze with relief. Conway let go of my arm and I sat down by Jake. “Beth’s dying to ask your advice,” he said, stroking the back of my neck. “I’ve told her you know all about children.”
“What she needs,” Conway said, “is another half dozen, and quick. Knock some of these fancy ideas out of her head.” He squeezed her as he said it, and sounded tender.
“Oh, really, Bob! You’re so old-fashioned. Anyway, Jake’s got a marvellous idea for a new movie.” She gazed at me damply. Again my memory gave a lurch and I stared at her, not answering when she said, “He’s so terribly clever, isn’t he? Some of my scenes with John, they just made me cry.”
“You’re going to write it for Beth?” Conway asked.
“If that’s all right with you.”
“Sure it’s all right with me. But just set it in S.W.3 if you don’t mind.”
“Oh no,” Beth said. “It goes on in the South of France. Well, we could all go. Think what…fun we could have, the four of us.” She smiled at Jake with solemn eyes.
“Tell her,” Conway implored. “You tell her. Women are made for bashing, and for having kids. That poor little girl of mine is lonely as hell. It’s criminal, goddamit, not to have some more while the going’s good. Look at you, you’ve got swarms of ’em, and from the glint in the old boy’s eye tonight you’ll probably have swarms more. She’s always on about her figure. What figure, I ask her. Call that a figure? Flat fore and aft like a bloody paper doll. I bet your figure’s better now than it ever was. Isn’t it? Who cares about figures, anyway, but isn’t it?”
“I don’t know. I don’t…”
“You wouldn’t say no to another one, would you? Not if your old man asked you?”
“Her old man,” Jake said, “wouldn’t be such a bloody fool. Let’s have some more drink. Let’s have some music. And Christ Almighty,” he plunged to the window and threw it open, “let’s have some air!”
“They remind me of someone,” I said.
“Who do?”
“The Conways.”
“They’re two people. How can they remind you of someone?”
“I don’t know … My father’s ill. I didn’t tell you.”
“Oh, no. I’m sorry. What’s the matter with him?”
“I don’t know. I think it’s cancer, but my mother won’t say the word, she won’t tell me.”
“Oh, I shouldn’t think it’s cancer. I’m sure it’s not. It’s probably just some…bug or other. You mustn’t worry.”
“I don’t worry,” I said. “It’s just that … you always say how much you like him. I remembered I hadn’t told you.”
“Perhaps you ought to go down and see him?”
“She says only if he gets better, or if he gets worse. She wants to keep him to herself, I think. She loves him so much.”
“Well, that’s good, isn’t it? That’s wonderful.”
I could feel his displeasure. Trust her, he was thinking, to introduce a jarring note. I should have kept this news of illness and sadness until tomorrow.
“I’m sure he’s all right,” I said. “Don’t worry.” I got up from the dressing table. He was sitting, half undressed, on the bed. I knelt behind him, my arms round his neck. “They’ve almost finished the tower.”
“Oh. Good.”
“You’re a marvellous colour.”
“Well… it was hot.”
“Do you think she’s very attractive?”
“Who?”
“Who? Who? Beth Conway.”
“I suppose so. If you like that sort of thing.”
“Perhaps it’s Philpot she reminds me of.”
He turned inside my arms. “You love me, don’t you?”
His eyes, as always, were expressionless, but his voice and body were warm. “Yes,” I said. “Of course I do.”
“You missed me,” he stated. “You wanted me to come back.”
“Yes.”
“You’re not disappointed in me.”
“Why should I be?”
“I behave stupidly. I do bloody stupid things.”
“No. You don’t.”
“I love you. I need you. I want you. You’re important to me, important to me.”
“Yes. Yes, I know.”
He lay down, pulling me with him. “You’re… fixed up all right?” he asked. I didn’t answer. In dreams you need no parachute, no wings; in dreams you can fly.
14
My father groped for my hands. I gave them to him and he lifted them, pressing them against his eyes. After a while his own hands dropped, but I didn’t move. My mother was sobbing by the window, little squeaking sobs with no strength in them. I sat for a long time with my hands over my father’s eyes, until my arms ached and I was afraid of leaning on him too heavily. When I drew them away, gently as quilts from a sleeping child, I knew he was dead.
“I think he’s dead,” I said.
“Dead?”
“Yes. I think so.”
She ran to him, crying. I couldn’t bear to see her touch him, hold him, persuading him back to life.
“Don’t,” I said. “Don’t. It’s no good …”
“The doctor. The doctor …!”
“Yes, I’ll get the doctor.” I tried to lift her up. “But come away.”
She shook her head, twisting it from side to side on his chest. “George!” she called. “George…”
I went downstairs and telephoned the doctor. Then I went into the kitchen and put the kettle on. The kitchen was full of trays. For two days and two nights my mother had said, “You must have a little snack, dear. Yes, I think I might have a little snack.” I tipped all the little snacks into the dustbin and emptied three teapots. My father is dead, I told myself cautiously. My father is dead. Somehow I felt that it should be a great statement, tragic, triumphant. My father is dead, long live … That was for sons, though. He had no son. He had never needed me until that moment when he took my hands. A son’s hands would have been hard, uncomforting. Perhaps he had been trying to say he was glad. Or perhaps, in those last minutes, barely alive, he had needed protection, a shield against some intolerable light. As I washed my hands under the kitchen tap and dried them, slowly, finger by finger, on the roller towel, I thought of all the things they had done; now they were mosses for a dead man’s eyes. Familiar hands, very similar to his: broad-heeled, long fingered, square tipped, the skin already puckering on the knuckles, the wedding ring loose. They felt empty. The only sensation I had was of empty hands.
Late that night we sat in his study, my mother and I. They had been to lay him out and for hours, it seemed, the house had been full of their mournful tramping, their buckets, their winding sheets (“Anything’ll do, dear, anything nice and clean. An old table runner, now, that’d do very nicely”). They had left his windows wide open, and the house was very cold. He lay like a little man struck by a blizzard on the double bed with its clean sheets and unnecessary heaps of pillows. He was askew, but I hadn’t the courage to straighten him out. The blowing wind and the smell of formaldehyde, the dark and the icy bed, frightened me against my will. We were snug, almost riotously snug, in the study. I had bought some brandy and my mother was slightly tipsy. Each time a
door creaked we glanced up, but not at each other in case we should spread alarm.
“He was such a good man,” my mother said for the tenth time. “Nobody knew how good he was. Well, look how he helped you and Jake to get started. Have you told Jake yet? He was very fond of George. There are many things I don’t care for about Jake — I know I’ve never said so, and I hope I’ve never shown it. But he was very fond of George. And George was fond of him. George really was fond of him.”
“I know,” I said.
“He didn’t care for any of the others, although he might have got used to the Major, if he’d lived. But Jake … I don’t know what it was, he was really fond of Jake.”
“Yes. Jake was fond of him, too.”
“I know he was.”
At last I got her upstairs. She wanted to sleep with me in my old room, so I tucked her into Ireen’s bed. She began to cry again, but wouldn’t take a sleeping pill. “It’s so terrible to think of … his poor body there … but he’s gone, I’ll never seen him again …”
I stroked her frizzed grey hair. Her face was sodden with tears.
“You don’t believe in God, do you?”
“No,” I said.
“Neither do I. George never knew that, he would have been shocked, I think he would have been… Do you?”
“No, I’m sure he wouldn’t have been shocked.”
“I wish I did,” she whispered. “Oh, I wish I could believe I’d see him again. You don’t think … it’s possible?”
“Anything’s possible,” I said.
“But not that. Oh George, George …” She turned her face into the pillow. She was seventy, and hopeless, and I didn’t know how to comfort her. I went to the window and drew back the curtain. It was too dark to see the church spire.
“Ma…”
“I’m glad he wanted to be cremated. I am glad about that. It would be dreadful to think …”
“Ma, listen.”
“To think of him buried …”
I sat on the edge of her bed and held her shoulder.
“I want to tell you something.”
Automatically, obedient to years of training, she perked round, sniffing back the last rush of tears. “Yes, dear?”
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