“You’re Rachel Moser,” Parker reminds me, patting my knee. “Nothing gets to you.”
I force myself to straighten in my seat, smoothing my dark hair into its standard chignon and touching up my lipstick. “I don’t know why I care so much,” I admit, squinting into my compact mirror.
“Because you’re human?”
I shoot him a look as Jose pulls away from the curb to take us to our next interview a few blocks away. Camden alone is home to one hundred and twenty of our potential cases, and I know I’m being melodramatic, but I can’t help imagining that every cracked sidewalk and pockmarked building, broken window and stray dog is a result of that damn chemical.
“You know what’ll make you feel better?” Parker continues as we turn down Camden’s main drag, a nearly deserted strip consisting mainly of cheap restaurants, pawnshops and storefronts promising cash advances with low interest rates.
“What?”
“Food.”
“It’s ten o’clock.”
“You’re not going to believe this, Rachel, but people eat at ten o’clock. Jose, pull up here, please. The one with the red sign. Thanks.”
“Jose,” I counter. “Keep driving.”
But Jose, no doubt hungry, parks at the curb and gets out of the car to stretch after he opens my door.
“I told you not to bother with the door,” I scowl.
He ignores me.
“You want some empanadas, Jose?” Parker calls, heading into the small, dingy shop. Through the open door I can make out a glass display case holding an assortment of potentially delicious food. My stomach rumbles, the traitor.
“Yes, sir,” Jose replies.
“He’s going to get murdered,” I mutter, hustling in after Parker. In his eight-hundred-dollar suit, shiny, tasseled loafers and coiffed—yes, coiffed—blond hair, he’s a walking ATM. One that requires no pass card.
“Yes, ma’am,” Jose answers.
I hear Parker greet someone, but it’s so dim inside the bodega that it takes a minute for my eyes to adjust, even as I’m bombarded with the mouthwatering smells of fried food and spice.
“What can I do for you?” the skinny teenager manning the counter mumbles. He’s wearing a pristine white wifebeater and the requisite baggy jeans. His scrawny arms are covered in skull-and-dragon tattoos and he looks bored out of his mind.
“A dozen empanadas.” Parker beams.
The kid looks him up and down before grabbing a brown paper bag and a pair of tongs, following Parker’s instructions to include a “decent variety of flavors.” I don’t need to be a mind reader to know what the kid is thinking—everyone who meets Parker assumes he’s gay, but he’s not. He’s just a friendly guy with a standing date at his pedicurist. And artfully coiffed hair.
“Here,” Parker says, jarring me out of my analysis. He thrusts a fifty-dollar bill into my hand and gestures to the back of the store where a sign reading Restrooms hangs vertically, one nail lost to the elements. “I’ll be right back.”
I hold up the money. “How much do you think empanadas cost?”
“Fifty dollars,” the kid tries.
I smile as I fiddle in my pockets for something smaller. I normally have cash on me but today’s search turns up only a business card, an old mint and a wet wipe. I set them on the counter and dig in my other pocket, looking up when a shadow falls across my strappy black pumps.
I squint into the gloom and feel my heart stop. Because there, more unlikely than fifty-dollar empanadas and Parker emerging from the bathroom without a fungal infection, is a massive hulk of a man, big body silhouetted in a misleading halo.
Dean Barclay had nothing to do with my decision to flee Riverside Trailer Park ten years ago, but he is 100 percent of the reason I vowed to never look back.
Chapter Two
Dean enters the shop, all six-foot-ten, nine hundred pounds of him—okay, fine, I don’t know that those numbers are correct, but he’s huge, much bigger than the boy I left behind—clad in a dark hoodie, gray sweats and sneakers. The dark hair that used to fall to his shoulders is gone, cropped close to his head, making his wide cheekbones even more prominent.
I know I should be doing something right now, moving, speaking, reacting, but I’m frozen in place. A million thoughts run through my mind. They crash into one another, fracturing into a billion tiny pieces, the shrapnel of my past finally catching up to me. It’s a struggle to regain the control I’ve sought all these years, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t latch on to a single idea. Run, comes to mind. Oh God, pops up more than a few times. Oh no is in there too.
My breath snags in my throat as he stops in front of the till, eyes raking me up and down like talons, so sharp and judgmental it stings. Finally he turns to the kid behind the counter and says, “It ready, Marky?”
Run, I decide, a minute too late. That’s the smart choice. Run away. Again. I’ve got framed degrees as proof of my intelligence, my purported common sense, but they’re useless in this dusty bodega. Despite my brain’s best efforts to encourage my feet to move, I remain rooted to the spot, mere inches away from the man I assumed was living in a run-down trailer park a hundred miles south of Chicago not buying mysterious items thirty miles away in Camden.
A combination of Dean’s dangerous gravitational pull and my own misbegotten sense of curiosity keeps me in place. What does he look like, sound like, smell like, feel like? It’s a rabbit hole of questions I can’t afford to fall down, but watching him approach, my senses are on high alert. It’s as if I’m sixteen again and every piece of me knows he’s near and wants him to come even closer.
Marky passes Dean a large paper bag, already packed, and Dean hands him a small wad of folded-up bills, the soft sleeve of his sweatshirt brushing my arm as he does so. I shrug deeper into my unbuttoned suit jacket, wishing I’d stayed in the car. I haven’t seen Dean since we were seventeen and madly in love. Since I disappeared in the middle of the night without so much as a goodbye.
I swallow anxiously and realize he hasn’t moved. I glance up and he’s staring down at me, his eyes dark and cold. I’m unprepared for how much it hurts. I’d long ago convinced myself my feelings for Dean had vanished much the way I had; that our teenage love affair was nothing out of the ordinary, that we’d both get over the way I left things and move on with our lives. And I really thought I had. I’d even convinced myself that he had. But maybe that scenario only works in a world in which we never see each other again, which had been my plan all along. A plan that has just had a giant, hoodie-wearing wrench tossed into the mix.
“You want your empanadas?” Marky prompts, jolting me back to reality.
“Ah, yeah,” I say, awkwardly handing him the fifty and accepting the grease-stained bag. “Keep the change.”
Marky opens his mouth to argue, then shrugs and stuffs the money in his pocket. The lawyer in me wants to insist that he deduct the cost of the empanadas from that bill, but I bite my tongue. There are more pressing matters to deal with. Like, what in the hell is taking Parker so long? Which is promptly followed by, dear God, please don’t let Parker come out and see Dean.
Dean’s eyes are locked on the fine gold chain that disappears under the lacy trim of my camisole, and they slowly sear their way up my chest until our eyes meet. It’s hard to hold his gaze, but I’ve dealt with more intimidating men in my career—don’t ask me to name them, but I’m sure I have—so I do.
“Let’s go outside,” he suggests quietly.
“No.”
“No?”
He glances over his shoulder where Jose leans against the car, arms folded on the roof, watching our exchange.
“No.”
“That your bodyguard?”
“No. Driver.”
One eyebrow rises incrementally. “Excuse me.” It may be phrased as an apology, but nothing in his tone is apologetic.
I feel my cheeks heat and glance away, annoyed. I fold my arms then quickly unfold them when I realize I’ve mere
ly created a shelf for my breasts, something both Marky and Dean notice.
“I have to go,” I say tightly.
“Where?”
“Interviews.”
“You looking for a job?”
My breath whooshes out on what might have been a laugh in any other instance. “I’m working.”
“I’ve got a lot of questions for you, Rachel.”
Oh God. I’m not prepared for the frisson of combined guilt and arousal that zips up and down my spine at the sound of him saying my name. I’d always figured that the overwhelming lust he’d inspired in me as a teenager was one of the perks of young love, attributing the fact that I hadn’t felt it since to simply having yet to meet the right man. But all of a sudden I’m too hot, my thighs are clenching together and my heart is racing.
“I know,” I say uncomfortably, avoiding his gaze. “I’m sorry.”
He rasps out a mirthless laugh at my ten-years-too-late apology. “You know the gym on the corner of First and Arthur?”
I force myself to nod. Titan’s Boxing Gym is one of the few concrete structures in this neighborhood that regularly has people coming and going; we’d passed it on our previous trips.
“Meet me there at noon on Saturday.”
“I’m busy,” I say automatically.
Dean leans in, reaching past me to pick up my business card from the counter. He strokes his huge finger over the embossed lettering, reading my name, the firm’s name, our address. “Come find me,” he warns, “or I’ll find you.”
* * *
I dislike doing the interviews because they’re so depressing. I like doing them because I know they’ll eventually add up to something meaningful, something that will make a difference. And because there are so many interviews and they all follow the same sad lines, the week normally passes at a predictable, even clip. But not this week.
Saturday dawns before I’m ready. I wake up at six, too anxious and wired to stay in bed. I wasn’t lying to Dean when I said I was busy. I have interview notes to organize, reports to write, phone calls to make. Ordinarily I’d get into the office early to get this stuff done and give myself some time later in the day to run personal errands, but today I do things in reverse order. I drop off suits at the dry cleaner, pick up a few groceries I doubt I’ll be around to eat, then go for one of the rare runs I’m always promising myself.
By the time I get home it’s a little after ten, which gives me enough time to shower, change and map out the transit route to Camden. Three buses and an hour and a half later I’m standing in front of Titan’s heavy metal door, just ten minutes late for my meeting with Dean.
The clouds overhead are low and gray, much like my hopes for this reunion. Despite the dank weather, it still takes a second for my eyes to adjust when I step inside, and in that time I’m greeted by the sound of leather smacking flesh and leather smacking leather, grunts and breaths and the overwhelming smell of perspiration and something medicinal. I stay by the door and peer around cautiously; with the exception of a woman with two tightly woven braids beating the hell out of a punching bag in the far corner, everyone is male. And with the exception of two heavyset men in polo shirts, I’m the only person not dressed to fight.
This is a bad idea. I’ve known it all week, so why am I here? Because, my conscience pipes up. You’re guilty. This much I know is true. Dean has a right to be angry, and he’s got a lot of questions that only I can answer. We’ll meet, I’ll apologize, tell him whatever it is he needs to hear and say goodbye for real. Unless he’s given up on me and is already on his way downtown, ready to take the elevator to the thirty-second floor of the gleaming silver King Building where he’ll tell everyone that Rachel Moser isn’t the well-bred young woman she pretends to be.
“You’re late.”
I jump and turn to see Dean coming out of the shadows, gym bag slung over one broad shoulder. He’s wearing the same thing he had on Monday, only this time the hoodie has a zipper. I can’t decide if he’s dressed up or down.
“I didn’t know how long it’d take to get here.”
He gives me a critical once-over, and it’s a struggle to keep my hands at my sides and not cover myself. I’m wearing jeans and a white T-shirt. Flip-flops that I got for ten dollars. I’d purposely dressed down for this meeting, but without a word he tells me he’s not buying it. He resents me as much in Levi’s as Louboutins; the clothes are the least of our issues. I shift uncomfortably when he finally meets my eyes, gaze drilling into mine.
“You nervous?”
“No,” I lie.
“You want a massage before we go?” He jerks his head toward a door on the opposite wall, just visible behind one of the rings. There’s a piece of paper affixed with duct tape, Massage written in what looks like red crayon. Peering through the slightly open door is a single eye, fixated on me.
I glare at Dean. “Maybe later.”
His lips quirk at the corners, but the humor doesn’t reach his eyes. “Whatever you say.”
I turn and push out the door, blinking in the gloomy afternoon light. Despite the humidity, Dean yanks his hood up over his head, casting his eyes in shadow. “This way,” he grunts, striding down the sidewalk without waiting for me.
My flip-flops smack noisily as I try to catch up, and after two blocks I stop. “How much farther?”
“Almost there.”
“Dean.”
“What?”
“Stop.”
He takes a few more steps then pauses, turning to see me about ten yards behind. “What are you doing back there?”
“Where are you going in such a hurry?” I counter.
He shrugs. “I’m hungry. You’re the one who was late.”
But he slows his pace when I catch up, and we walk side by side until the silence grows uncomfortable.
“Is that where you work?” I try. “At the gym?” He’s certainly big enough to fight professionally, though his face is unscarred, no cuts or bruises to suggest he gets hit very often.
“No.”
We turn onto the deserted main strip and he stops in front of a corner restaurant, pushing open the door and waiting for me to enter before him. The room is unexpectedly large, kind of a mix between a diner and a cafeteria, with rows of unadorned tables paired with mismatched chairs. It’s surprisingly full, and servers in pink aprons hustle around with trays of food and drink.
Dean waves briefly at an older lady stationed behind the lone cash register, then leads us to a four top in the middle, dropping his bag on the floor and taking a seat. I’m aware of the appraising stares he garners from female diners, but if he notices, it doesn’t show. And I get it. If I wasn’t here for what feels as if it might be my last meal, I’d give him a second look too. I don’t know who Dean is anymore, but he’s the hottest man I’ve seen in a long time, simmering rage not withstanding.
I pull out the chair opposite him and sit down, grateful that I no longer have to hear my footwear alerting people to my every move. I tug my shirt away from my chest, slightly sweaty thanks to the cursed humidity, and lift my dark hair off my neck to cool down.
A waitress drops off two laminated menus and immediately disappears, and Dean leans back in his chair to survey me, eyes flat. Long gone is the sheepish, guilty smile he’d shot me a thousand times as a teenager. The one that was half apology for whatever would happen that night, the only apology he’d ever issue, the one I’d never, ever asked for. I’d been a very equal participant in his stupid, often perverted little games, desperately curious to know what came next. Nothing had been off-limits, not when it came to Dean. Not when he smiled at me like that.
The smile is a thing of the past, clearly. The faint lines carved on either side of his mouth mark the frown as a permanent fixture, the chill in his eyes unrelenting. It would be different if this man refused to apologize, I think. This man knows no remorse.
I wipe my damp hands on my jeans as he takes in my hair, my throat, my chest, not meeting my eyes until the
end; that seems to be his way.
I’m about to say something when a different server returns, order pad at the ready. “Know what you want, Dean?”
“Yeah.” He glances at me. “You hungry?”
I’m starving, but I’m too anxious to eat. My mouth is dry and I know it’d be a struggle to choke anything down. “No,” I say. “Just water—”
Dean jerks his head toward a water cooler in the corner, a stack of plastic cups teetering precariously next to it. “Go grab a couple.”
I bristle at the sharpness of his tone, but stand and go to the cooler, mostly grateful that he’d interrupted me before I managed to add “with lemon” to my order. I fill up a couple of glasses and return to set them on the table, the server long gone. Dean picks one up, nearly draining it in one swallow.
I take a sip of mine.
“So talk,” he says with a shrug. He’s so big it’s a wonder he can fit on a single chair; even now it’s hard to see the second seat past the span of his shoulders. His legs are bent but his knees intrude on my space beneath the table, forcing me to sit angled inward so we don’t touch.
“What do you want to know?”
His cold eyes turn glacial, and without moving a muscle he turns scary and intimidating. “What the fuck do you think I want to know?”
It’s my first instinct to cut Dean down to size, to tell him I’m here as a favor, that if he wants answers he’ll have to ask questions first. But I hold back. He’s right to be angry. Ten years ago he was madly in love with a girl, and one morning he woke up to find her gone, no note, no phone call, no explanation.
Despite my best efforts, I’d spent the better part of the week trying to figure out exactly how I’d explain the past ten years, always coming up empty. I’d vacillated horribly about whether or not I’d even show up today, tempted to call his bluff. And, if we’re being honest, it’s only the fact that he stole my business card that tipped the scales in his favor. If there was no way he could track me down, I’d have cowardly disappeared again, never having to own up to my crimes.
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