by Sarah Daltry
“Hey,” I say and take out a cigarette.
She looks sideways at me. “You know smoking is bad for you, right?”
I just laugh and light the cigarette. It’s not a long walk back to the dorm, but it’s a decent day and I feel better walking with Lily. Whatever shadow passed over me only a few days before has dissipated. Sure, it will be back, but it’s not right now, and I try to focus on that. Try to focus on Lily. It’s still early and there’s time to go to dinner, but first, I want to drop off my bag.
“Do you want to go to dinner?” I ask her as we make our way to my room.
She’s quiet and shrugs. “I don’t know.”
I don’t know if she’s being evasive. “I’m sure they’ll have something resembling food,” I joke.
She nods, but doesn’t say anything or look at me. I open my door and I feel the lightness give way to the burden again, but before I turn around, Lily has shut the door.
“Did I do something wrong?” she asks.
I shake my head. “No. Of course not. Why?”
“You haven’t touched me in a few days.”
“Was that before or after you passed out from studying microbiology?”
“That class is a waste of my time,” she says and sits on my bed.
“Listen, princess, I would be more than happy to forego dinner and spend the rest of the night touching you, if that’s what you’re so worried about.”
She grins and pulls her shirt off, revealing her absolutely perfect breasts. Oh, fuck. If there was any exhaustion left, it’s gone.
“You still amaze me,” I tell her.
“Why don’t you come over here and show me?”
I may not be able to make her happy for a long period of time, but I can make her happy in this moment and I determine to do that. I want her to lose herself with me, so that even if it isn’t forever, it will always be a good memory.
I go to my drawer. I have a vibrator tucked away in an unopened package. I don’t remember what possessed me to buy it, but it’s been there a while and I’m happy to have it now. I want to make Lily the center of the universe and I want to be outside of her pleasure for once. I just want to see that look of bliss wash over her face.
She smiles when I take the toy out of the package. “For me?” she asks, and the innocent girl is gone. Lily is all sex, all desire, and I still can’t get over how much she broke down everything I’d expected of her.
“It’s all for you,” I reply and she lies back, opening her legs. I want to be there, to be in her, to be with her. But I also want to be selfless, to give without taking, to show her what she means to me when I can’t say it.
She’s excited and I reach between her legs, readying the toy into position. I’ve never actually done this, which makes it both thrilling and terrifying. I’ve always expected my own satisfaction in the end. I don’t even want Lily to touch me. Well, that’s not totally true. I want her to touch me very badly, but I can last one night.
I slip the vibrator inside of her, holding her open to take the toy in, and my cock twitches at the wet heat of her pussy. Jesus, I want her, but the way she groans and the way her eyelids flitter make holding out worth it. I love being in this position, this force that gives her exactly what she craves, without needing her to focus any of her energy on me. She can just give herself over to the sensations with no worries at all, and she is eager to do that now. She grows wetter and I slide the toy in and out a few times to ensure that she’s ready. I haven’t turned on the vibrations yet, and I want to tease her a little.
“How does that feel?” I ask.
“Mmmm,” she says, which I take as a good sign.
I push it in a little bit deeper and then I flip the switch to the lowest setting. Lily gasps and holds the sharp intake of breath.
“Your pussy is beautiful, princess.”
She groans and I watch her writhe against the toy. I meet her movements with it and she balls up the sheet in her fists. “Oh, God,” she groans.
Increasing the speed of the vibrations, I push the toy deeper within her and she cries out, before immediately biting her lip.
“Go ahead and scream,” I tell her. “I love watching you come.”
She’s breathing in short, quick gasps and I know she’s nearly there, but I also know she’s holding back. Lily is still, somewhere in her mind, the good girl and she clearly worries about what other people will think. Not enough to turn down what I’m doing, but enough to make her orgasm lesser than I want it to be, so I slip the toy even deeper and tell her to hold her thighs together. I get up, turning on the radio – loud - and I return to the bed.
“Don’t worry now. No one can hear you. You can enjoy yourself, Lily.”
At the sound of her name, she jerks her hips up and the vibrator slips out of her. I push her legs apart and rub her clit for a few minutes. She opens one eye and I know she’s looking for the toy again, but she can’t say anything because her clit is swollen under my thumb and she’s too excited. I am so fucking hard it hurts, but I don’t move to undress or do anything but help Lily let go entirely.
“More,” she cries.
“More what?” I tease.
“More,” she repeats and she turns her legs to the side toward me. I push them back and kneel between them, sliding the vibrator back inside of her. I push it as far as it can go this time. It’s still buzzing on its medium setting and Lily begins thrusting her hips up and down. I hold onto her thighs and watch her. Her tits rise and fall with her quick breathing and her face twists in absolute ecstasy. I lean over and kiss her, at which point she nearly bucks me right off the damn bed.
“Oh, princess,” I whisper and lay my body over hers, still dressed. She reaches a hand up into my shirt and caresses my back as I fuck her with the toy. She’s moaning and desperate and I know she’s close. I press the switch again and increase the speed to the highest setting and Lily fucking loses it.
“Oh, God, Oh, Jack, Oh, FUCK ME,” she screams. I don’t have the heart to tell her that she is way louder than the music could ever be. She just repeats the same combination of monosyllabic sounds, my name, and a desire to be fucked. I watch her writhe and then I can see it. The orgasm makes her entire body go stiff and she points her toes down toward the mattress, flattening her legs. I fuck her even harder with the vibrator and she clenches her thighs around my hand as I push. Suddenly, she holds her breath and then, as she tilts her head back, she opens her mouth and screams so loud that everyone in the entire dorm probably hears her. Hell, half the fucking school probably does.
“Oh, God, Jack,” she cries and I feel her come as she drenches the toy, my hand, and the sheets. Her entire body jerks underneath me for a few seconds and then she is still. I turn the vibrator off and put it in the plastic package that I’d left on my dresser.
I lie next to her and she doesn’t open her eyes for a few moments. Then she rolls over onto her side, props herself up on her elbow, and looks at me.
“Fuck you,” she laughs.
“What?”
“That was so unfair. You’re incredible, Jack.”
“I love knowing how easily I can make you come, princess.”
“Like no one else,” she sighs.
Her tongue slides into my mouth and we slowly explore each other. I love that she just said that – that I make her come like no one else. I pretty much figured, but knowing it? It’s the only thing I’m good at, but she seems perfectly content with that. She slips her hand down into my pants as I kiss her and I groan against her lips as her fingertips brush the head of my cock.
“No,” I whisper. “It was supposed to be all about you.”
“I don’t mind,” she says against my mouth.
“Hell, I’m not going to survive if you don’t take those lovely fingers off my cock.”
I move away from her and stand up.
Lily looks confused. “Don’t you want to-”
I shake my head. “Fuck, yes, I want to. I want to disapp
ear inside of you, but you have an exam tomorrow and we both have papers. And if we get started, I’m going to fuck you all night, and that would be bad.”
“Bad?” She raises her eyebrow.
“Okay, well it would be amazing, but I have a scholarship to keep up. Some of us-” But I stop because her face falls and we both know what I was going to say. Some of us don’t have everything handed to us. It slipped out before I could think it over and I want to punch myself. She’s on scholarship, too. I know that but still I almost said it.
“Yeah,” she says and reaches onto the floor to get her clothes. She dresses fast and I want to apologize, want to pretend I wasn’t going to say it, but I don’t want to lie to her. I do wish, however, that I didn’t naturally feel inferior to her still when it came to certain things.
Instead of addressing it, I change the subject and we look over a pizza menu. Neither of us wants to go to the cafeteria now and, by the time we place the order, she’s back to normal. I’m not, but hell – when am I?
I help her study while we wait and eventually we eat. By the time we’re both done working, it’s late and the moment never comes for me to say I’m sorry. We fall asleep with me still making excuses.
Chapter 18
I spend the morning in the library while Lily takes her exam, hoping our paths will cross later when she comes here to write her paper. I have to work, but it’s finally the weekend and exam week is over. I get everything done before I have to leave and I’m feeling good. I’m still a little sexually frustrated from holding out last night and, although it was worth it, I’m ready to get crazy with her. I need to forget everything but the way she tastes and smells.
Sadly, we don’t run into each other, but it’s probably better that way anyway, given the horrible ache in my balls. I’d end up passing out from needing her.
I take my bike and enjoy the ride. It’s just getting to be cold enough that it stings if you’re outside long without gloves, but it’s not yet cold enough to keep you from going outside. The air is fresh and crisp and the only thing that ruins it is how suddenly the trees were stripped bare. I feel like they were full of leaves just yesterday, but now the ground is a pile of reds and oranges and the trees all look broken. Maybe it’s a warning. Because your own breaking point is coming, the nagging voice in my head says. I tell the voice to fuck off, because I’m mature like that.
I’m disappointed that both Sandee and Liz are on dinner tonight, because that leaves Nicole as wait staff. She’s my age and she’s probably the most annoying person who has ever graced planet Earth. Even if she wasn’t plain irritating, she’s still so inept that it makes you wonder if you’re being pranked. A really, really long and pointless prank. Also, I barely work with her, but in the six months since she started here, she’s developed a stupid fucking crush on me.
She smiles when I walk in.
“Hi Jack,” she says and she drapes herself over the counter so her tits are barely in her shirt. If she never spoke, she might be hot. But trust me, her amazing tits are just not worth the price of listening to her.
“Hey.”
“It’s just us today.” This declaration is made as if it’s a profound statement about the future of our romantic entanglements. Of which there will be none.
“Cool.”
“And it’s really quiet.”
I look around. There is one old dude drinking coffee. Right now, I would give anything for a crowd. “Yeah, looks it.”
I try to make my way to the kitchen but she leans her body against mine. “That guy seems pretty much set, so maybe you need help getting some stuff from the walk in.”
On one incredibly stupid night this past summer, a night just like this one, I was in the walk in getting food to put out to defrost for the morning and Nicole came in looking for something. She’d just started working here and I had no idea how annoying she was. Her shirt had been unbuttoned low and she’d been insistent when she went for my belt. I’m ashamed to admit it, but in a moment of weakness, I fucked her against the door for all of eight minutes. It was meaningless and stupid and actually pretty damn crappy for both of us, but she’s been unable to take the hint since. It will never happen again and now, aching balls aside, it’s definitely not happening with Lily in the picture.
“I don’t think so,” I tell her.
“Why not? It was fun,” she whines.
I don’t feel like rehashing the fact that, in reality, it wasn’t. I just need to get through the lunch shift. Someone will be on in only a few hours.
“I’m gonna make sure everything’s stocked,” I tell her. “Why don’t you roll some silverware for the dinner crew?”
“I don’t like rolling silverware.”
There’s no comeback for someone this stupid so I ignore her and go into the back. I don’t really need to check much since the morning shift left everything full for us and clearly no one’s been around. However, I make it look like I’m stocking things and taking inventory. Nicole peeks her head through the door and I start counting aloud from the number 12, to make it look more realistic. She at least has the common sense not to interrupt my count, but as soon as she’s through the door, there’s an enormous crash. I sigh and go out to the floor.
An entire tray of glasses and silverware is now at my feet. Well, to be more accurate, a tray, a pile of silverware, and a fucking ocean of glass are at my feet.
“Get the broom,” I sigh.
“Where is it?” She asks as if it’s moved since the last ten times she knocked shit over.
I ignore her, get the broom and sweep up the glass, and return to the back to count fictitious items. Holy hell, the dinner shift crew cannot get here fast enough.
By the time Sandee strolls in a few hours later, I’m ready to tackle her in a hug.
“Hey, Jack,” she says and follows me out back for a cigarette. I love my job, because it’s one of the only jobs where you can sneak off for a cigarette immediately after punching in. Technically, we aren’t supposed to, of course, but right now the only other people in the building are Nicole and the same old dude.
“Can you please ask Jordan to stop scheduling me with Nicole?” I ask as I light my cigarette.
“You’re the idiot who thought it was a good idea to start something with her.”
“Sandee, I fucked her for like eight minutes in the walk in. It’s not like I broke her damn heart.”
“Can you stop with that? You’re young enough to be my kid.”
“Yeah, if you were ten when you had me.”
“Still.”
“Hey, can I ask you a stupid question?”
She smokes her cigarette and nods.
“Ever been in love?”
She takes a really long drag and reaches into her jacket for her flask. She offers me some, but I decline. She takes a swig and answers me. “Of course. It didn’t end well.”
“What happened?”
“Our lives were just on two completely different tracks. I had big plans. I was gonna move away, go to school, and make something of myself. He was happy to stay around town and get hammered.”
“But you loved him?”
“I did. I mean, at the beginning, it wasn’t clear how he was. But a year or two later, after we were out of high school and I still hadn’t left for college, I started to resent him. Then, I got pregnant. And so that’s that.”
“But he’s not around,” I say, not meaning to pry, but also curious.
“No. He was happy to stay around, until there was a reason to stay around. And then he was out the fucking door. But it’s okay. I have Mikey and he’s the only man I need in my life at this point.”
It seems so unfair to me. Sandee’s a nice person. She’s still pretty, for someone her age, and she has so much love in her. Yet she’s alone.
I try to imagine myself ten years from now. Will I still be working here? Will I be telling some college kid about my relationship failures? In my case, I’ll be the one who fucked up. As I thi
nk about it, it’s just a big void. There’s no way I will live to see thirty. The darkness is always creeping behind me, ready to throw me over the edge. I simply can’t take another decade of it.
“Listen, sweetie, I can only guess why you’re asking,” Sandee says and finishes her cigarette. “But if you have a chance at love, go for it.”
“You know my only role models for relationships are my grandparents and parents, right?”
“Look, I know you’ve been through a lot. You told me about your mom and dad and you’ve hinted about your grandfather, but plenty of couples work. Just because you and I don’t know them, it doesn’t mean you give up.”
“But is the hurt worth it? If it’s guaranteed to end, why force yourself through that kind of pain?” It’s an honest question and she looks at me seriously.
“Because otherwise, why bother?”
She goes in and the problem is that although she meant for the question to be inspiring – to give me something to hope for – all it does is remind me how little there is. I’m starting to feel the darkness coming back until my phone buzzes in my pocket. As if she knew, Lily’s texted me saying, I can’t wait to see you in a couple hours. I have a surprise for you.
Yeah? I text back. What is it?
You’ll see. Don’t worry. I’m keeping it safe in my pants. The little winky face emoticon is really the kicker. Her efforts at sexting are more cute than sexy, but the ache in my balls returns. She’s so much more than that, but I can’t pretend the physical isn’t a significant part of it as well.
I text her back that I can’t wait to see her either and put my phone back in my pocket. Breathing in the cool autumn air, I make a decision. Tonight I’m going to take the biggest step of my life so far and tell Lily that I love her. Because, like Sandee said, if you have a chance at it, why not try to take it?
