by Willa Okati
Jaden swallowed. How does the poem go? “Two roads diverged in a yellow wood ... I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference. If I had made different choices, I would be the one in Andy's arms tonight.
Stop. Stop. What am I doing? I need to give them their privacy.
But...
They don't know I'm watching. As far as they're concerned, there's nothing out here but the night.
They'll never suspect a thing...
In the window, Andy and Jonas were quickly losing patience, their kisses frenzied and their strokes becoming scratches, red welts forming down both backs. They squeezed fistfuls of their partner's ass and rubbed their cocks together. Chests rose and fell as they heaved for air. Sweat gleamed on exposed skin.
Andy's lips moved, and this time Jaden read them with ease. Love you. He smashed his mouth against Jonas’ once more, clinging as if he'd never let go, Jonas giving back as good as he got. When they parted, they began to tussle, laughing at each other as both tried to make a move to top.
Jonas lost. Jaden suspected he didn't mind giving up this particular battle. White flags a-sail, he kissed Andy, catching Andy's lower lip between his teeth and tugging until his bite of flesh slid free.
The look on Andy's face. Pure love. I know what I've said, but I would do anything ... anything ... if, just once, he saw me that way...
The men turned, moving away from the window, and giving Jaden a moment's glance at jutting, swollen cocks that left gleaming trails where they touched skin. Andy pushed Jonas’ shoulders, Jonas bending as commanded without a second's hesitation, touching his toes and presenting his ass.
Andy reached up to grab something from a shelf out of sight, and came back with a tube of lubricant. Placing the container on his lover's back, he scratched all ten nails down Jonas’ buttocks, gave them a slap, and parted them wide. Andy's cock twitched and his lips began to move, chanting some litany Jaden was deaf to but could imagine all too well.
Lust. Love. Need. Excitement. Happiness.
Jaden broke. The PDA he'd come in search of and the need to be quiet both utterly forgotten, he launched into a sprint, tearing a path through the grass and crunching across dirt.
They might have heard him. They probably did. They'd be pissed.
He didn't care.
Flinging himself into the rental car, Jaden gunned its engine, screeching onto the earthen road. A squeal of brakes, a shifting of gears, and he hit the gas, roaring away.
He tasted salt on his lips, but didn't comprehend why.
Chapter Four
No one was around to notice Jaden's return to the rented dive he'd chosen—for the sake of anonymity. Anonymity—ha! What a fool he'd been. Knowing this made him doubly glad no one was around to see. He didn't want anyone staring at his eyes, reddened from—weariness—or the slump of his shoulders, wondering if they felt sorry for him or were laughing at him.
Hooker, though. Hooker didn't miss a trick. Jaden stifled down a slightly crazy giggle that wanted to escape. How was he to avoid Hooker's probable mockery of his condition?
For a moment, he thought about walking down to the motel's tiny office where a light shining beneath the door told him someone was awake, probably paging through the leaves of a tattered old skin mag or watching TV. He could ask for another room; surely there would be at least one still vacant. If he slipped into another room he'd be able to curl up on the bed, no matter what it smelled of, and, please God, fall into a deep sleep with no dreams.
Yet even as he hesitated, the door to the room he'd already rented swung open. The familiar, cunning face of Hooker peered out, spotting first the rental car, then Jaden himself. Saying nothing, he leaned his weight on the doorknob, apparently content to wait and see what would happen.
"You're still awake,” Jaden heard himself remark, voice sounding oddly flat to his ears. “I thought you'd be asleep by now. What time is it?"
"Thought the fancy car had a clock,” Hooker replied, impassive.
Jaden rubbed his eyes. They burned with the dryness that always seemed to follow tears. Odd. I don't cry. His head felt fuzzy. “It does. I didn't look. Or I don't remember."
"It's past midnight.” Hooker shrugged. “Pretty far past. Heading toward dawn."
"You're still awake,” Jaden repeated. “Why?"
"Waiting for you."
The answer puzzled Jaden. “Why?"
"Why, why, why. You sound like my nephew."
"You have a nephew?"
"Hooking is what I do for a living right now. It's not who I am. Not completely. Yeah, I have a nephew. I have a mother who prays for the salvation of my eternal soul, and the guy who pimps me out is my cousin. Family, huh?"
"I wouldn't know about family. I don't have any ... I mean, there's no one left who'd ... that's where the money comes from, you see, along with the novels. An inheritance. My father. Not the man who raised me. I..."
"Kinda figured. Look, how about you come inside? You forgot your coat, and you've got to be freezing in nothing but that thin shirt."
Jaden found himself smiling a bitter little smile. “And it would be bad for business if a customer got sick in your company, wouldn't it?"
"Sure wouldn't help. Believe it or not, though, this is genuine concern. We haven't gotten along too great so far, and yeah, I'm a prick, but I've still got enough of a heart left to want you in out of the cold. So come on already."
"A prick with a prick,” Jaden murmured, giggling. “A prick who makes his living by being a prick."
"Uh-huh. How much did you have to drink?"
"Nothing. Not so much as a drop of bottled water."
"We'll fix that. I went and spent some more of your money on a better brand of bourbon, and the ice bucket's full.” Hooker extended his arm. “All you have to do is take my hand, and I'll take care of you. Deal?"
Jaden frowned. “What's wrong with you?” He clasped his fingers around Hooker's wrist, despite his puzzlement. “You're acting as if you care."
"Stranger things have happened. Do I love you? No. Will I fuck you? Glad to, when you feel like fucking me. Am I worried about you? Sure. No one asked me to care, but if I want to then why shouldn't I?"
The words seemed to make sense. Jaden nodded, letting Hooker guide him forward.
"Good boy.” Hooker led Jaden inside their room and closed the door behind them. He slid the chain across with an inharmonious rattle, then guided Jaden to the room's one rickety chair. It sported bursts in the wicker and worn spots on its cushion.
"I would say make yourself comfortable, but I'm kinda doubting it's possible in that chair. Just wait there until you have a glass in your hand, okay?"
Jaden inclined his head, letting himself float. It helped that the room reeked with the sickly-sweet smell of pot, the air thick with secondhand smoke. He breathed deeply, hoping to catch a decent buzz and some peace.
He could hear Hooker rattling around on the dresser top behind his chair. Bottles and glasses clinked, a screw top came free, and liquid glugged as it was poured into a glass. Chunks of ice grated together and made plopping sounds as they were added to the drink.
Hooker reappeared, bearing a plastic, motel water cup filled to the brim with amber liquid. Jaden automatically took the offering and tilted it back for a swallow. In a vague sort of way, he realized how it was surprisingly good for a probable off-label. Definitely stronger than expected, the alcohol scorching down his dry throat into his empty stomach.
"I haven't eaten in a while, you know.” He took a second sip. “This'll go to my head in seconds."
"The way you look right now, that's probably exactly what you need."
"I don't understand."
"What's to understand? Alcohol equals drunk equals forgetting all your cares. Not hard to do the math there."
"No. Not the whiskey. It's all too easy to accept a drink.” Jaden tapped the plastic sides of the cup to hear the ice cubes clink. “Why are you being..."
"Nice?
"
"As good a word as any. For as long as we've known each other, you've needled me until I, at one point, seriously considered buying a voodoo doll.” He surprised himself into a chuckle, echoed by Hooker's smile. “I came back to this room, looking for something, not knowing what. I wonder why?"
"Answer that question and you'll answer a dozen others. Go on. Keep drinking."
"I don't want to."
"Didn't ask you what you wanted. Drink."
"I'm the one paying for you to do whatever I tell you."
"So say we're off the clock and I'm looking out for a pal. Bottoms up."
Jaden bent to place the cup on the floor by his feet. “This isn't the solution."
"Way to sound like a public service announcement."
"Oh, yes. I'm a great example for kids to look up to, alone in the middle of nowhere with a high-ticket streetwalker playing the role of the only person who gives a damn."
"Christ. You'd be a gold medalist if the Olympics had a competition for ‘morose'. I didn't make the call to come here. That would have been you.” Hooker retrieved Jaden's drink and pressed it back into his hand. “If you're not going to chug, at least hold the cup steady. I'd hate to waste good bourbon on a carpet."
The coldness of the plastic cup made Jaden's fingers sting. “Yes,” he said, slowly feeling out his words. “I decided to come."
"I get that. What I'm wondering is why you didn't keep yourself to yourself. Why you wanted or needed me in the first place.” Hooker was giving Jaden a frank look, all his stings and barbs and playful seduction melted away. “Why bring someone? Why bring me?"
Jaden searched for a convincing lie, but when nothing came to him he gave in and offered up the truth. “I don't know."
"I think you do."
Jaden said nothing. He swirled the cup, watching ripples form in the whiskey.
Hooker waited.
What Jaden said next surprised him, popping out without any thought. “You're paid for many different things. Listening is one of them, isn't it?"
"If that's what the customer wants."
"I could tell you, then, couldn't I?” Swirl, swirl, swirl. Jaden counted melting chunks of ice as they bobbed to the surface. “Would you ever tell?"
"I learned a long, long time ago to keep my mouth shut about what comes out when a man drops his pants, let alone his walls.” Hooker sat on the edge of their bed, slouching forward with fingers loosely tented. He grinned with a spark of his customary wickedness. “Think of this as going to confession. It's good for the soul."
Jaden drew out the moment, trying to make sense of things. “You told me you were moved to be kind. But really, why should you care?"
"Why shouldn't I?"
"You're answering a question with a question."
"Interrogation technique."
"Is that what this really is?"
"No.” Hooker drew one leg up, tucking his knee beneath his chin and wrapping his arms around the limb to hold it in place. “So I'm paid to listen. And? Don't let the money stop you. Who else have you got to talk to?"
Jaden's hand twitched, drops of scotch spattering his fingers. He waved off Hooker's automatic hitch forward to help. “No, don't. It's my fault. I'm fine.” Raising one finger to his mouth, Jaden sucked off the fiery dab of alcohol, then tapped the nail against his teeth. “I never have told anyone this particular story, have I? You're as good as any to spill to. The story of why I left, and why I can't stay away."
Hooker leaned his cheek against his knee. “I figured you'd tell me when you were ready."
"How did you know I had a secret to tell?"
"Everyone does."
Jaden nodded. He licked his lips and began to speak, halting on occasion when he couldn't think of the right turn of phrase. “There isn't much to say. I doubt the whole thing would fill a page. It's a short tale, but one I can't forget.” He raised his cup and licked the rim. “I came back here to see Andy. And where there's Andy, there's Jonas. Has been for—oh, right around ten years now. Maybe more, maybe less. I forget."
"No, you don't,” Hooker said quietly. “Go on."
"I love Andy."
"Kinda figured."
"No. I still love Andy, and that's wrong. Yet I always have, before and after he met the love of his own life. Jonas.” Jaden lowered the cup. “It's strange. If he didn't live in Andy's pocket, I think Jonas and I could have been friends. He's a lot like Andy. Fancy-free, devil-may-care, faces the unknown with a bet-you-can't-beat me attitude and a grin. Poor but proud, all laughs and smiles and a backbone of steel."
"They sound like good guys."
"They are."
"Even Jonas?"
"If I have to be honest, yes. If things were different, if there wasn't an Andy, I might actually have wanted him instead. He's good-looking and he's always had charisma. He charms without thinking ... but he's so powerful that he reads people. Sees through their masks to what we hide beneath. When he wants to."
"So he looks at you and sees how much you want his man?"
"Maybe. Possibly? I'm not sure."
"Yes, you are. Keep talking. Tell me why you never got together with Andy."
"I never said we didn't."
Hooker nudged Jaden's calf with the bare toes of his free foot. “Like a blind man couldn't tell you never laid a finger on him. Why?"
Words became harder to form. “I don't know."
"You do."
"Damn you!"
"Already damned. Answer me."
"I was afraid,” Jaden hissed, sitting sharply upright. The whiskey cup crumpled and broke in his fist, the drink showering down to soak his thigh. “We were eighteen. He knew what he was, and he went ahead like it was nothing. He settled into his sexuality like a new shirt you know you're going to love. No one had suspected, but he smiled and flirted and people who hated ‘fags’ didn't push him away. I envied him. I longed to be him. I ached to be with him."
"So why were you afraid to make a move? Sounds like he could have taken you under his wing. Protected you."
Jaden shook his head. “It's more than teenage nerves. I wanted to be like Andy because I couldn't have been more different. I didn't dare tell anyone about myself. I've never had the knack of winning friends, but I do know how to make enemies. So I knew what I was, but Andy didn't. I'm not sure if he ever has guessed. He can be ... clueless.” Jaden nipped sharply at his lips. “Strange how it feels like a betrayal to point out even a little flaw."
"You put someone high up enough on a pedestal, and it's a bitch to discover they've got feet of clay."
"I suppose. Andy and I had always been friends. We spent more nights together than apart. In the woods, in our homes. Every night, he went to sleep before I did. I'd lie awake and wish for the courage to reach out and touch him—his hand, his shoulder, his lips. To wake him with a kiss.” He laughed, the memory as freshly bitter as ever. “I never did. And then Jonas crossed the finish line before I'd even started to race. I went away to school. Before the first Christmas break, Andy and Jonas had the kind of bond most people only dream of. I couldn't ruin it for them."
"No. So you ruined your own life instead."
"That's not true."
"Like hell it isn't."
"I did what I had to,” Jaden protested. “I left so they could be happy, even if it killed me. How could you know what it was like? You weren't there."
"Didn't have to be. So you put some miles and some years between the then and the now, but you can't make yourself fall out of love with someone. I'm guessing that when this Andy calls, making noises about old friends getting together to hang out, you drop everything and run. Jonas or no Jonas, your heart still belongs to the man who got away.” Hooker shifted position, dropping his leg and stretching out to cup Jaden's cheek. Jaden couldn't help leaning into the gentle caress and moaning softly. It felt so good to be touched.
He could pretend this was real compassion...
"What would you do if you could change the
world, Jaden?” Hooker asked, soft and low. “What do you think would have happened if you had gotten up the nerve to kiss him?"
Jaden shuddered, lost for words.
"Would you like to find out what might have been? It's okay. You don't have to say it out loud.” Hooker smoothed a lock of hair from Jaden's forehead. “You'd give anything to change history. Wouldn't you?"
Somehow, Jaden managed to nod.
"Even if there was no going back?"
He nodded again.
"Think carefully, Jaden. There are thousands of people, maybe millions, who'd kill for what you do have. Money, fame, success. The big time."
Jaden hung for a moment, breathing in and out, thoughts racing like frightened deer. “What does it profit a man to gain the whole world if he loses his soul?” he said at last. “Everything I have is ... things. Elegant and expensive and meaningless."
"You'd trade them all for a second chance?"
"Yes. God, yes."
"Okay. Just don't come crying to me later."
Jaden blinked. “What?"
"Close your eyes.” It was a command not to be resisted. Jaden's eyelids fluttered shut, lashes tickling his cheek. “Sit still. Sit very, very still.” Hooker squeezed Jaden's hands. “You're about to go on a ride."
"I don't..."
"Shh. Trust me."
"Trust a hooker?"
"I told you once before, Jaden. A hooker isn't all that I am. I'm so much more. Now count backward from three. No questions. Just do what I say."
Jaden couldn't stop himself. “Three,” he breathed. “Two.” He swallowed. “One."
A whisper of cool wind brushed over Jaden's skin. Startled, his eyes flew open.
The cheap, shoddy motel room had disappeared, along with its smells of smoke and weed and pizza and sex. He sat alone in the dark in a new chamber scented with pine, seeing nothing but vague shapes forming out of shadows.
"Don't be scared,” he heard Hooker say, as distant as if he was a thousand miles away. “This is what you wanted. Take it."
