by Willa Okati
What would you do if you could change things?
I didn't realize...
"Want the third?” Andy offered. “I grabbed a bite at the hospital."
"No. Too much more, and it'll all come back up again.” Jaden looked up to see Jonas ruefully rubbing his stomach. “Learned that the hard way."
"I know.” Andy stood, taking the platter with what had been untouched. “I'll wrap the last sandwich for you to take to work tomorrow, and I won't hear you say no."
"What do you?” Jaden blurted. “Where do you work, I mean? What do you do?"
"Beg pardon?"
Jaden could feel Andy's aggravated glare burning a hole through his back. He thought quickly and made an educated guess. “I meant, what construction site are you working on this week? What parts of the project are you in on?"
"You couldn't tell from the walking advertisement?” Jonas plucked at his T-shirt. “Little bit of just about everything I can do. Laying some foundations, nailing together a few scaffolds, hauling my ass through piles of mulch. Long live suburbia.” He saluted to no one in particular. “It's a living."
"I suppose so.” Jaden picked at the back on the chair he had yet to sit in again. Sitting still didn't seem right somehow. “Life's given you a pretty sharp end of the stick, hasn't it?"
"And hammered that self-same stick upside my head,” Jonas agreed. He shrugged. “You've gotta do what you've gotta do, right?"
Pick, pick, pick. The question spilled out, sharp as broken glass. “What would you do if you could change the world?"
"Don't even start. I'm too old for make-believe."
"No,” Jaden insisted. “Answer me. It's important. What would you do if you could change the world?"
"Nothing, because you can't change the world. Not the way you seem to mean. We work, we sweat, we toil, we fuck, we drink, and we get by. That's life."
"You wouldn't want anything to have turned out differently?"
Jaden waited for it, and didn't miss the almost imperceptible flicker of Jonas’ gaze to the kitchen, where Andy was putting pans in the sink and tearing loose a sheet of plastic wrap. He didn't miss the yearning, the longing, and he recognized them all too well. “Nope,” Jonas said. He looked directly at Jaden. “Nothing comes to mind."
"I see.” Jaden stopped his picking at the chair before he tore a hole through to the padding. He met Jonas’ stare. “Thank you."
"I have a few wishes,” Andy said, coming up behind them. He slid his arm around Jaden's waist, but almost absently, as if it was a long-established habit without any real affection. Jaden returned the gesture, clinging tight despite himself. “I think we all know what they are."
I can't let you go. Please don't ask this of me.
What would you do if you could change the world?
What should you do if you could change the world?
Jaden stepped out of Andy's grasp, abruptly unable to bear his touch. “How about we walk on the beach?” he suggested, far too brightly, he knew. “Jonas, is it warm enough outside?"
"It'll do. Thought you didn't like getting sand in your shoes, though."
"I'll go barefooted.” Not waiting for Andy or Jonas to move along with him, Jaden made for the door. As he kicked off his shoes, he realized he still wore his shirt, hanging loose and unbuttoned. He shrugged the garment off his shoulders and let it fall. “Coming?” he asked without looking back.
He could feel their indecision. “Okay,” Andy agreed when half-a-minute had passed, thirty long, long seconds. “But when we get back, we're going to talk. Understood?"
"Yes.” Jaden opened the door. He didn't know his way down to the beach, but all he'd have to do would be follow the trail of sand scattered through their hallway. Follow the sand and the sound of rushing waves. “Catch me, catch me if you can,” he said softly. “If you want to. What do you do when you have changed the world?"
He didn't hang around long enough to see if they'd heard him, and he didn't linger in hopes of a reply.
Why should he, when he already knew the answer?
Chapter Seven
"Hey! Hey, Jaden, wait up."
Jaden could hear the hasty shuffling of footsteps behind him as Andy tried to catch up. He picked up his pace, using his longer legs to take greater strides and keep a decent distance between them.
"I'm talking to you!"
No. You're yelling. Not that I don't deserve to be hollered at.
Jaden kept walking, pushing his hands in the pockets of his jeans. One of them had a hole and his hand kept on going, bumping into his cock. He flinched away from the feel of his still-sticky flesh with a twist of disgust and a snarl of frustration.
"Jesus. Jonas, give us a sec, okay?” Jaden heard Andy put on a burst of speed, and despite his own effort to go faster still, Andy beat him in the race. He skidded to a stop in front of Jaden, giving Jaden the choice between pushing Andy aside or drawing to a halt.
Jaden pulled up short, awkwardly cutting off his next step. God help him, when he looked at the man he still couldn't deny Andy anything he wanted. “What?"
"What? He asks me ‘what'?’ Andy had shrugged on a thin windbreaker and stuffed his feet into sneakers, their laces trailing untied. “What's up with you tonight? You're ‘gone’ for months, then you're back with me, rock-'em sock-'em back with me, then you fringe out, and now you're heading off again. Literally."
Jaden watched the wind from the sea tousle Andy's hair. In his mind's eye he saw the short cut transform into the overgrown locks he'd known—before—and imagined them blowing across Andy's cheeks, tangling over his eyes. He almost reached out to brush them away before he remembered and pulled his hand into a fist.
"Look at me. Would you look at me?"
"I am,” Jaden replied, confused.
"No, you're not. You're looking through me. I see that kind of thousand-yard-stare on at least a dozen men every day, guys who've either been through hell or are getting ready for the trip. I know the difference."
"I'm sorry.” Jaden tried to focus on Andy as he was in this reality, short hair and beardless chin and blue windbreaker hanging open over his slim chest; to take in his frustrated confusion.
All he could see was Andy's face wreathed in smiles as he stirred a pot of grits laced with cheese, and all he could hear was Andy laughing when he smacked Jonas’ hand for sneaking a taste.
"Look at me,” Andy insisted, planting his feet on the path.
Jaden looked again. He saw what he'd been trying not to see—the worry lines at the corner of Andy's eyes. The downward turn of his mouth. The prematurely silver threads in his hair.
What would you do if you could change the world?
"Not this,” Jaden murmured, trying to push past.
Andy refused to let him, grabbing Jaden's arm and dragging him back. “Look, Jay.” He took Jaden's hand and began chafing it. Warm, square hands. “I love you, okay? You know that, don't you?"
"Do you love me because you have to, or because you want to? No, no, never mind."
A puzzled frown skimmed over Andy's face, changing swiftly into anger. “You have the balls to ask me that kind of question after all we've been through together? If I didn't love you, I'd have kicked your ass to the curb back when you quit your day job to write full-time. When you started sleeping on the couch instead of with me.” Andy squeezed Jaden's hand, but not for the sake of comfort. “I love you because I don't remember a time when I didn't. I'll always love you."
Once upon a time, the words would have made Jaden want to sing and dance for joy.
Now, they rang hollow in his chest.
"As much as you love me, I love you more. Shouldn't that be enough?"
"It's more than most people get.” Andy glanced quickly behind them. At Jonas. Jaden knew he was looking at Jonas. “Stay with me this time, okay? I need you."
Jaden shook his head, giving in to the urge to pull his fist from his pocket, uncurl the fingers, and cup Andy's jaw. He leaned in for a light kis
s, nothing more than chaste, and retreated before Andy could respond. “I'm sorry,” was all he could think of to say. “I'll try."
"Okay.” Andy laughed shakily. “Okay. I'm glad. God knows what I'd do without ... someone to love."
Jaden studied him. “You were made to love. Never intended to be alone. You're someone's other, better half, and always have been."
Andy's eyebrows drew together. “Yeah. And I'm yours.” He clasped Jaden's hand, intertwining their fingers. “Right?"
"I've always been yours.” It wasn't an answer, not exactly, but it seemed to put Andy's mind at ease. Jaden managed a smile. “Forgive me? It's been an interesting day."
"From what I've seen? No kidding.” Andy glanced sideways at Jaden. “So. You wanted a walk on the beach?"
"Yes.” Jaden took a deep breath of the crisp, salty air. “I needed to clear my head.” There'd be no harm in telling Andy that much. “My thoughts are ... tangled."
"You want to share the burden?"
Jaden hesitated. Andy snorted. “Never mind."
"I would if I could, but—please don't be angry."
"I'm not.” If anything, he sounded resigned, but all the same he pressed their hands together. “You're who you are. I know I can't change you. I don't really want to try."
Jaden couldn't resist asking. “What do you want?"
Andy walked silently for a bit. “For things to be the way they were,” he said at last, barely audible above the rush of waves crashing into shore. “You can never go home again, though, right? Even if you do, it's never the same. So you make a new home. You adapt. You compromise. You keep going."
"Everything you are is for the sake of loving me,” Jaden said, softer still.
"What?"
"Ignore me. I'm mostly talking to myself. It's a beautiful night. I want to enjoy this. Walk with me?"
Andy nodded, not as if he really wanted to take a stroll on the beach, but would since Jaden asked him to. “Anywhere in particular?"
"Let's see where the path takes us."
Andy chuckled.
"What?"
"Nothing.” Pause. “You sounded like you used to, that's all."
"Have I changed so much?” Jaden asked, a strong need to know welling up in his aching heart.
"'Scuse me, guys.” Jonas pushed past and turned, walking backwards. He wore the ghost of his old, wicked smile, as much as could shine through his weariness. “I'm going on ahead. Looks to be a bonfire down a ways, and there could be some decent company. Maybe music. And three's a crowd anyway, right?"
"Jonas, you don't have to.” Andy's fingers clenched briefly in Jaden's. “You can stay with us."
"Nah. But thanks.” Jonas pivoted again, moving forward. Jaden glanced at Andy and saw, once again, a glimmer of something deeper than concern.
Jaden felt a twist of jealousy. Perhaps the question wasn't what would you do if you could change the world? Maybe it would be better phrased as what would you do if your world changed?
"Andy?"
"I'm here."
"Yes. Yes, you are. What if I wasn't? What would you do?"
Andy shrugged. “I'm used to being alone with you by now."
"No. What if I left? Packed my things and went. What would you do?"
"I don't want to think about that.” Andy's jaw tightened. “And I don't want to talk about it, either."
Jaden burned to press the question. He didn't.
They walked on in silence.
"Tell me a story?” Jaden asked abruptly. “Tell me about our past."
"Huh?"
"Not just our past. Jonas', too. Everything since, oh, high school. The summer after we graduated, maybe?"
"You're acting weird again,” Andy warned. “Why do you want to hear the story from me? You were there."
A knot formed in Jaden's throat. “Indulge me."
Andy leaned closer, asking without words to be held. Without thinking, Jaden untangled their hands and drew his—lover—close. Andy laid his head on Jaden's shoulder, toyed with a button on Jaden's shirt, and began to speak.
"You, me, and Jonas, we were all pretty good friends. We spent most of our nights at one guy's house or another. Stayed up until dawn watching bad movies, good movies, sometimes porn movies if Jonas got his hands on some of his cousin's stash. Tried smoking pot and decided we coughed too much to get a decent buzz. Hours of whipping each other's asses at Nintendo. Went fishing just so we could drink beer and laze in the sunshine. God, the look on Jonas’ face when he actually caught something. Don't tell me you don't remember that day."
"I remember,” Jaden said, because he did. The same things had happened—before. “Go on."
"Just tell me why you want to know."
"Go on."
Andy sighed. “Fine. Sometimes, not all three of us could get together. Happened more and more often after Jonas got his first job on a site."
"He didn't want to go to college?"
"Yeah, he wanted to.” Andy's shoulders twitched. “Wanted to—he had all these dreams—but he couldn't. His family—what he had left—were broke, he didn't have any money of his own, and his grades weren't good enough for scholarships..."
"Jonas would be damned before he'd take a loan, even a student loan, wouldn't he?"
"Pride. Yeah. Always so fucking proud. Swore he'd do this on his own. He thought he'd work a couple years and planned to save up for school. He wanted to major in music. Maybe teach, someday. Find a bluegrass band to play with for fun after hours."
"Why didn't he?"
Andy wriggled uncomfortably on Jaden's shoulder. “He just didn't, okay? Construction's decent money, sure, when you can get it, but once you're on your own there are bills, groceries and rent, and some months you don't have enough work to pay for those, let alone save."
"And after a while, he gave up."
"I told you that you knew this story."
"No. I'm just a good guesser. You're skipping parts I need to hear. Tell me more about that summer."
"I fell in love with you. Is that what you wanted to hear?” Andy sounded angry. “Neither of us understood a damn thing back then except this ... this tug, this almighty need to be together. All that mattered was getting naked, getting our hands on each other, learning how to suck, figuring out how to fuck, trying not to get caught. I guess that somewhere in there, you fell in love with me, too."
"How did you know?"
"Maybe when you said the words. Maybe before then. I don't remember."
"You should."
"Well, I don't."
"Was it what you wanted?"
Andy fell silent.
"Please. I need to know."
"Jaden..."
"Please."
"Yeah. I wanted it. You fascinated me because you were so different from the rest of the guys we went to school with. You got things like poetry and art, stuff I still don't understand, and it made you shine. When I was with you, I felt like I had the same kind of glow. Happy. I'd have done anything for you. Still would. That's what love is, right?"
"It can be.” Jaden bit his lip before asking the next question. “What did Jonas say when he found out?"
"Jonas? Not much. He laughed, he made a few jokes, and then he pretty much left the whole thing alone. Got married not too long after, some blond baby-doll a couple of years younger than us."
"Married?” Jonas blurted.
"Ha! I can't blame you for forgetting that mess. I'd block it out if I could. Wasn't much more than a flash in the pan. I don't remember her real name. She went by ‘Suzie Q'. Airhead. Claimed she was pregnant. Jonas never said if she was and lost it, or wasn't and had been lying. I didn't ask. All I knew was they never passed out cigars, and after a few months they split."
"I'd thought Jonas was ... that he would be..."
"Not into women?” Andy barked a humorless laugh. “Yeah, me too. He wouldn't ever really talk about why he took up with her, whoever she was. If he's been with anyone since then longer than a quick
ie fuck in a bathroom or an alley, I don't know about it.” Andy shifted his head, looking forward, presumably gazing at Jonas, now a distant dot yards away. “And no, he's not happy, to save you the trouble of asking."
"I won't.” Jaden tapped a discordant rhythm on Andy's bicep. “Tell me about us. More than the sex. How did we get to where we are today?"
"Do you want to hear about the part where we shook the dust of our hometown off our feet and headed off to college? How I didn't really want to go, but you swore up and down I had a brain, I could use it, and I could do some good?” The questions were angry; the tone was not. “How I supported you through your degree in Literature, but you decided to work on that goddamned epic instead of helping me pay my way through med school like we'd planned?"
Jaden closed his eyes in pain. “God. Why did you put up with me doing such a thing?"
"What else could I do? We're together. Good times, bad times."
"You must have been furious."
"Not really. I saw it coming.” Andy toyed with the thin trail of hair on Jaden's stomach. “You're a dreamer, Jay. You always have been. I've never known you without a foot in one fantasy or another. Sometimes, you dream hard enough to make wishes come true. I hung on to that."
God. Andy didn't know the half of it. “Until I fell into my own private world, where you weren't allowed, and got lost there. Don't tell me you weren't angry then."
Andy shook, although whether with laughter, tears, or both, Jaden couldn't tell. “Nope. That's when I started dreaming for you. I dreamed you'd come back to me, and I dreamed hard."
"And now I'm here.” Jaden burrowed his chin into Andy's scalp. “Does that make you happy?"
Jaden felt the momentary hesitation before Andy nestled deeper and nodded. “Of course it does. I'm with you."
"Just like always."
"About forever and a day."
"No regrets?"
Andy paused. It was answer enough.
"How long has it been now?” Jaden asked.
"Ten years a month ago. I gave you a new ink cartridge for your printer."
"What did I give you?"
"You forgot. It doesn't matter."
"It does. It should."
"It's in the past. Forgotten."
