by Rebecca Lang
‘No, it isn’t easy. Prostate cancer can be fairly innocuous if found early,’ he said.
‘He appreciates how lucky he is,’ she went on. ‘He had a routine check-up, when the tumour was found.’
‘Good,’ he said. ‘If only more people would look after themselves in that way. Are you an only child, Anna?’
‘No, I’m just the youngest,’ she said. ‘I have a brother and a sister, both in other parts of the country, in British Columbia. We miss each other very much, especially since Finn was born.’
‘Yes, you must,’ he agreed.
She dearly wanted to ask him a lot of questions, but instinct told her to be careful, sensing that he was what people liked to call a very private person.
‘Do you have siblings?’ she ventured.
‘Yes. Three brothers and one sister. One brother’s in Australia, two in England, and my sister’s in the United States. We were all born in Zimbabwe.’
‘Do you see them very much?’
‘We make a point of getting together quite frequently,’ he said. ‘We all like to travel, so we take it in turns.’
Anna nodded, trying to picture Seth as a child, with his brothers and sister. In her imagination he looked a lot like Finn.
‘I’m the youngest of the boys,’ he said. ‘My sister’s the youngest child. My mother didn’t want to give up until she’d got a girl.’
‘I was blond, like Finn, when I was very small,’ he added.
‘Thank you for reading Finn a story,’ she said, after which she gulped down the last of her tea.
‘It was a pleasure,’ he said. ‘If you do find Simon—and I expect you will—he should be very happy to have such a son, whatever the circumstances of his life.’ He glanced at the photograph of Simon that she had on the mantelpiece.
Anna got the impression that he knew more about Simon than he was telling her, perhaps knew the information that Hector Smythe was going to convey, possibly had even found it himself. ‘I don’t know, I just don’t know,’ she said. ‘If he were married, he might not be so happy even to know. I agonise over that.’
‘Then you will have to be extremely tactful and careful,’ he said, looking at her steadily. ‘What will you do if he is married?’
‘I would still let him know that he has a son—at least, I think I would—then I would back away. There wouldn’t be any point in compromising his marriage. I accept that he might not want to have anything to do with me, even if he does want to meet Finn. And if he doesn’t want to be a father to Finn in any way, I can at least tell Finn in future years that I found his father and honestly tried to make a relationship for him. I don’t mind about myself…I’m sort of coming around to the idea that it really is all over for us. I guess we really were not what you could call a couple, because the time that we knew each other was so short. I know it isn’t going to be easy, that’s why I’m so glad I have Mr Smythe on my side, to advise me. He’s very used to this sort of thing, the epitome of tact, I would say.’
‘Mmm. Have you heard from him recently?’
‘There was a message today. I have to call him tomorrow. I’m very nervous,’ she admitted.
‘Getting cold feet?’ he asked lightly.
‘No, not really,’ she said. ‘Just scared, because I’m so mixed up about certain things, how I really feel.’
‘Sometimes you don’t know how you feel until you’re confronted with an alternative,’ he said.
‘Yes. This is something I have to do, this search. Would you like more tea?’
‘No, thank you,’ he said, standing up. ‘That was good. I really must go now, I have a dog waiting for me.’
Anna laughed, taken by surprise. ‘A dog! What sort of dog?’
‘A Dalmatian, a female,’ he said, grinning.
‘Oh, I love Dalmatians. We had one when I was a young child and I’ve been thinking of getting a puppy for Finn when he’s a little older. I can’t imagine you with a dog.’
‘Why not?’
‘Well…’ she said, blushing, ‘you’re out working all day, for one thing, and…’
‘And what?’ he said.
‘I can’t imagine you…um…caring for a dog,’ she said.
‘You’re wrong there,’ he said. ‘I think I care for her very well, and I love her very much. I take her for a long walk every evening, weather permitting, and during the day I have a housekeeper who takes good care of her.’
‘What’s the dog’s name?’ Anna said, seeing him in a new way. It was endearing for a large, very masculine man to say that he loved his dog. The idea of it gave her a twinge of envy, and she laughed at herself wryly for envying a dog. Those twinges were telling her something about herself.
‘Velvet,’ he said.
‘That’s lovely,’ she said, knowing that her face was lighting up as she remembered her own dearly loved dog. ‘They have such soft, velvety ears.’
‘Perhaps you and Finn would like to meet her some time?’ he said.
‘Oh, we would.’
He was putting on his coat before she fully realised that he had more or less confirmed that he wasn’t married—although she had a sense that he had been in the past—and that he had indirectly asked to see her again outside work. That prospect left her unaccountably disturbed and gratified at the same time. Without her having to ask many direct questions, he had, perhaps inadvertently, given her some information about himself. Or perhaps she was reading too much into it and he had simply been making conversation.
Anyway, a man who could love a dog must be all right, she told herself.
At the door she said, ‘Thank you for bringing the photographs, and my apologies to the dog for keeping you. Goodnight.’
He laughed. ‘Goodnight, Anna.’ He placed a warm hand against her cheek, surprising her. It was as though he wanted to touch her and could not help himself. Perhaps he was responding to something that he sensed in her. The unexpected contact sent a shiver of acute awareness through her. It was an intimate gesture, gentle and kind, yet not presumptuous or invasive of her personal integrity, she felt. Involuntarily, she swayed very slightly towards him.
Perhaps taking that as a cue, he bent down and kissed her, his lips warmly on hers, his hand still holding her face, his fingers moving under her chin. Startled, she did not pull away but closed her eyes. Slowly he put his arms around her, holding her firmly against the wool of his coat, while her heart thudded in recognition that this was what she wanted.
Anna allowed herself to rest there, against him, giving herself up to the physical contact that she realised she had wanted from the moment she had set eyes on him. For a long time, it seemed to her, they stood there together, the mutual attraction holding them in an intensity of feeling. Her arms moved up to his shoulders.
He was the one to pull back, looking at her with darkened eyes. ‘You’re a very sweet girl,’ he said softly. ‘Something must have happened to Simon, because he would have been mad to leave you.’
‘I’m not a girl,’ she said, hearing sadness in her voice. ‘I feel old a lot of the time…so old and weary.’
‘You’re beautiful and sweet,’ he said, kissing her again.
When they stood apart, they looked at each other and he reached forward and took both her hands. ‘I admire you, Anna Grey,’ he said. ‘You have a lot going for you, and you don’t realise it. I admire your strength.’
‘Is that me you’re describing?’ she said, smiling up at him in surprise and stepping back. If she wasn’t careful, he would indeed have reason to think that she was a woman who got into an intimate relationship too soon. The vibes between them were as powerful, or more so, than anything she had ever felt with Simon. That in itself was confusing, eliciting a sense of odd mourning, as though she was saying goodbye to that young Simon for the final time.
‘Yes, it is.’ He stroked a strand of her hair away from her face. ‘I’d like to get to know you outside work…away from Simon Ruelle. Just you and me, Anna. Can you put Simon ou
t of your mind for a while? Is that possible?’
‘I…I don’t know, Seth.’ What she lacked with him was confidence. So much she wanted to say yes. Was she equal to what he seemed to be offering her? ‘I don’t actually think of him all the time. I’m doing this for Finn, I really mean that.’
‘You seem to be letting the past dominate your present and keep it static, Anna. I do that, too, of course,’ he said, looking down at her seriously. ‘So, please, don’t take that as a criticism.’
He put a hand on her neck, underneath her hair, and eased her head gently towards him as he bent down to kiss her. ‘Say yes,’ he murmured, just before his lips found hers again.
‘Yes,’ she whispered, when he moved back from her. ‘I’d like to get to know you, Seth. Nothing to do with Simon.’
‘We’ll take it from there, then,’ he said.
‘You know a lot about me, Seth, whereas I don’t know much about you, and it leaves me feeling at a disadvantage.’
‘I’ll tell you before too long,’ he said.
He dropped her hands, turned from her and opened the door.
‘Goodnight again,’ he said. ‘See you at work, Anna. You take good care of yourself, and that son of yours.’
‘I will. Goodnight.’
Then he was gone, out into the cold night, leaving her with a sense of loneliness so acute that she didn’t know how she would bear it. But for the tingling of her skin and lips where he had touched and kissed her, she could almost think for a few moments that she had conjured him up out of her imagination, out of her extreme loneliness and need. So he wanted something with her. The very idea left her gratified and confused with longing. Yet he was an unknown entity to her, apart from the sense of trust that she had where he was concerned, having seen him at work and in his efforts to help her.
Sighing, she went back into the sitting room to lift Finn up very carefully to carry him to his bed. As she went she glanced at the photograph of Simon on the mantle, recalling that Seth had looked at it several times. The remote Simon was being supplanted by the very real Seth, who was filling her consciousness.
As she looked at Simon’s attractive, smiling face, with its definite resemblance to Seth, she had a powerful premonition that if she found him alive he would be very changed.
That would be the reason for his silence.
* * *
Later, as she was getting ready for bed, the telephone rang again.
‘Anna, it’s Em.’
‘Hello, Em. What’s up?’
‘Well, Dr Ruelle asked me for your address and I gave it to him, and since then I’ve been wondering whether I should have given it out. I wouldn’t usually do that, it’s just because it was him and I trust him. Sorry if I did the wrong thing.’
‘It’s all right, Em,’ Anna said. ‘He wanted to return two photographs that he had borrowed from me. He may be able to help me look for Simon.’
‘He came round there?’
‘Yes.’
‘That’s all right, then. I wasn’t sure what you really thought of him.’
‘Well…’ Anna said hesitantly, ‘off duty he seems like a genuine person—nice, the way he is at work, but nicer, not quite so wary. I was surprised, but I didn’t mind. I think he wanted to suss me out, and to meet Finn as well. If he finds out anything about Simon, he isn’t going to divulge it unless he knows and trusts me, I’m sure, especially if they’re related.’
‘No, I can understand that. He seems to be a very careful sort of person,’ Emma said thoughtfully. ‘Someone told me just the other day that he’s been married and divorced, that his wife, who was a doctor, didn’t want to have children, and he did. I don’t want to gossip, but I know you won’t repeat it. I was told by someone who knows his former wife. There must be more to it than that, I think.’
‘Yes, I should think so,’ Anna said. ‘I sort of sensed there was something like that in his background. I’m not sure how I knew. It’s sad, because I get the impression that he cares about it a lot. I can’t say how I know that. Of course, I couldn’t ask…none of my business.’
‘People give off certain vibes, I think,’ Emma said, ‘and we pick them up if we’re at all sensitive.’
‘Yes. It’s strange.’
‘I get the impression that he likes you,’ Em said.
‘I think he’s mainly being kind,’ replied Anna, believing that, even though he had held her in his arms and kissed her, although he had said he wanted something between them. It had been a response to her loneliness, and perhaps to his. ‘And I think he maybe has a relationship with Dr Saigan.’
‘Oh, I don’t think so,’ Emma replied. ‘I think they commiserate because she’s divorced too and has a small son with cerebral palsy. When she needs someone to talk to, he lends an ear.’
‘I’m sorry to hear that. Just shows you really don’t know, most of the time, what other people are going through behind an apparently cheerful exterior. Maybe he’s doing the same with me, just being kind.’
‘Time will tell. Well, goodnight, kid. I must hit the sack.’
‘Thanks for calling, Em. See you anon.’
In bed she lay sleepless for some time, thinking about Seth. The gossip may or may not be true. The memory of his kisses was vivid in her mind—they changed everything. Now she was missing him, wanting to see him. Lying there, staring at the ceiling, she could not help wondering if he was missing her.
Some things were falling into place now, as she found that she wanted a relationship with Seth more than she wanted to find Simon. There was guilt in her for that. And what would Seth really think of her if she tried to live more in the present, with him? That was in spite of what he had said.
For once, she was falling asleep not obsessing over Simon…
CHAPTER EIGHT
FINN woke early the next morning, as was his wont, and that of most small children, so Anna had discovered from talking to other mothers. Later, when you wanted them to get up to go to school, the early-bird habit had changed somewhat, so she had been told.
After they’d had breakfast and he was playing on the floor with his toys, Anna called Hector Smythe’s office, feeling nervous.
‘Ah, Ms Grey!’ he said ebulliently, as though he had just been waiting for her call. ‘Good to hear from you, and I have some good news. We’ve discovered, with the help of Seth Ruelle, that your Simon is registered to practise medicine in South Africa.’
‘Oh, my God,’ she said. ‘That means he’s alive! I…I saw Dr Ruelle yesterday and he didn’t say anything about that.’
‘He wants me to impart the news. That’s not all. There are some Ruelles living in Cape Town, so we assume that he may be working there. We are in the process of checking that out, as well as checking the family connections.’
‘Oh…’ She felt a little sick from excitement and a certain apprehension that her hopes were apparently coming to fruition.
‘Dr Ruelle seems pretty sure that they are related to his family, although he told me that he doesn’t know them personally. He’s indicated that he would be willing to be the one to make contact, to make some enquiries about Simon. It’s of interest to him personally also, so he told me.’
‘I see,’ she said, her voice shaking.
‘It shouldn’t be too difficult,’ he continued. ‘If he can contact one person who is willing to talk to him, then he can maybe proceed from there. He does not have to divulge initially that he is enquiring for someone else. He can say that he has decided to look up the other branches of his family and that he has been wanting to contact Simon for a long time, as he now works in Gresham, Ontario himself.’
‘That sounds reasonable,’ she said. ‘Thank you so much.’
‘Now, you just sit tight,’ Hector Smythe said, ‘and I’ll be in touch in a day or two, with something else very definite, I expect.’
‘Yes. Should I…should I say anything to Dr Ruelle when I see him at work? To at least say thank you?’ she enquired.
&nb
sp; ‘That’s up to you,’ he said. ‘My feeling is that you should wait until he has contacted an individual in the family in Cape Town, because then he will have to draw you in, I should think, if contact between you and the family is to be made. I think we might need Dr Ruelle as a facilitator there. So perhaps you should keep quiet and wait for that next development.’
‘All right,’ Anna agreed. ‘Do you mean that I might have to go to South Africa?’
‘It’s possible, but it will be rather tricky from then on in. It will only be if they want you to. We may find that he’s married, with other young children. Don’t get your hopes up too high, Ms Grey.’
‘Oh, I’m not,’ she said, finding that she meant it. ‘I just want some answers and for Simon to know about Finn.’
‘That’s good,’ he said.
Talking to Hector Smythe was always good, she reflected, because he had a precise, common-sense way of imparting news that had the effect of forcing her to clarify her thoughts. Surprisingly, as they seemed to be closing in on the real Simon, rather than the one that had lived in her mind for so long, she was becoming more realistic about what he could mean to her. From Simon’s point of view, not knowing he had a child, he would have moved on with the passing of time in a way that she had not.
‘Well,’ he added. ‘I’ll be in touch.’
‘Thank you,’ she said.
She walked around the kitchen, not knowing quite what to do with herself. The information still left many questions unanswered. That Simon was registered to practise medicine in South Africa implied that he was capable of working. At least, that appeared to be the case. She must try to keep an open mind and just wait for further information.
She made herself some coffee, automatically going through the motions, then took it into the sitting room to watch Finn playing. Her emotions were all over the place. There was nothing straightforward about this, she sensed. Restlessly, she sipped the coffee, feeling suddenly claustrophobic in the small apartment. Soon she would take Finn out to a park and playground, even though the weather was cold. They would bundle up warmly, then after that she would run a few errands. She needed that fresh air to clear her head. It was a good thing that she had a day off as she felt too agitated to concentrate on anything precise. With Finn she could relax eventually.
