by Rebecca Lang
‘Thank you,’ she said.
More than anything, she wanted him to kiss her under the bunch of mistletoe that was hanging in the hallway in a prominent position. But he didn’t.
* * *
Christmas came and went, with the usual flurry of activity and enjoyment, with a certain amount of stress thrown in, as always. It was good to be with her parents and her son, to hear from her brother and sister, who planned to visit later on in the year. Old friends of hers, and of her parents, dropped round to the house on Boxing Day, when she had a day off.
The present for Finn, from Seth, was a set of brightly coloured building blocks of various shapes, which he liked. Inside the parcel was a present for her, a necklace made of silver and deep blue beads, very lovely.
Looking at herself in the mirror in the privacy of her bedroom, with the necklace resting against her neck, she knew that she would treasure it always. She longed to see Seth over the holiday, but did not know how it would be possible. There was a sense that, for reasons of his own, he was deliberately keeping a certain distance from her until the Boston trip was out of the way.
It was understandable, she told herself, as it would appear to him that she was still emotionally entangled with Simon. In reality, now that she knew Simon was all right, she found herself letting him go. It was not something that was under conscious control—it was something that was just happening.
What an odd situation she was in, becoming emotionally involved with the man who was helping her make contact with a man she had once loved. No wonder he was holding back from her. No doubt he wanted to witness how she reacted when confronted with her old love. Ironically, she didn’t know herself how she would react. Repeatedly, she told herself that she would be strong. In reality, it would be an unknown journey.
‘The phone’s for you, Anna,’ her father called, in the hubbub of activity towards the evening, when the house was milling with people.
‘Hi, Anna, it’s Seth.’ His familiar voice came to her. ‘It sounds as though you’re having a great time.’
‘We are,’ she said, a sense of joy suffusing her. ‘It’s good to hear from you, Seth. My parents have some friends round. Thank you so much for the lovely necklace—I’m wearing it. And Finn loves the building blocks.’
‘I’m glad you like it. I’m calling because I’ve heard from Sophie in South Africa today. They’re going to be coming to North America at the end of the second week in January. I thought I would let you know right away so that you can ask for the time off from work. We should give them a few days to settle in before going down there, don’t you think?’
‘Yes. I…I feel nervous, to say the least,’ she admitted. ‘Should we meet them at their hotel? Or what?’
‘The hotel would be best, I think,’ he agreed. ‘They’ll stay in Boston for at least two weeks as Simon knows people there and he has the medical assessment to undergo, which will take some time. Then they plan to go on to western Canada to investigate the situation with regard to immigration. Simon already has citizenship here.’
‘I see,’ she said. ‘Seth…are you still sure that you want to come with me? I wouldn’t hold you to it if you had changed your mind.’
‘I’m sure,’ he said. ‘As soon as you know when you can get time off, I’ll book a hotel for us. How many days do you want to be there, Anna?’
‘Well, maybe two or three days,’ she said, at random.
‘Sounds all right. Make it three, then, if we have time on our hands, we can go to a show and do some exploring of the city.’
There was silence between them then, in which she wanted to ask him if they could meet, but the words would not come. Although she sensed that he wanted to, maybe ask her the same thing, he did not do so.
‘See you at work, then,’ he said finally. ‘In a day or two.’
‘Yes. Thanks for giving me the news.’
When she disconnected, she felt bereft. She was in no position to take the initiative with him. Instinct told her to leave that to him, if indeed he wanted to do so. From what he had told her about his marriage, it appeared that he was going to be very careful in the future before getting involved again, not to get too involved too soon.
Restlessly, she went into her parents’ kitchen and began to clear up the dishes from the running buffet that they’d had over the holiday, serving food and drink to guests who dropped in. Having something to do helped to quell the anxiety of the coming reunion with Simon. So far he was unsuspecting that she would be on the scene. It was possible that he might refuse to see her, if he did not want her to see him as he was now. That was something she would have to deal with if, or when, it arose. If that happened, she would quietly fade out of the scene, leaving a photograph of Finn with Simon’s sister. Bit by bit, she was planning her strategy, becoming more realistic as zero hour approached.
Equally, she would have to be similarly realistic with Seth.
Her New Year’s resolution would be that she would look to the future, try to put the past into perspective, let go of certain hopes, certain people.
Finn was getting a lot of attention from the people around him, as well as playing with new toys, so she would let him go to bed later than usual. It was a respite for her, giving her time to think.
In about three weeks’ time she would be seeing Simon. It hardly seemed possible, that what she had wanted for so long was happening. The reality was often different from one’s imaginings. There was an old saying: Be careful what you wish for because you might get it. Now she wasn’t certain what she wanted. The situation would resolve itself, whatever she wanted as an individual. As soon as she returned to work she would ask the head nurse for a week off in January, while her mother would take care of Finn. If Simon wanted to see Finn, they would have to arrange that for some other time.
* * *
Over the next couple of weeks at work the tension built up as Anna tried to prepare herself in every way possible for the meeting with Simon and his sister.
The head nurse had given her the time off that she wanted, with no difficulty; her mother had agreed to care for Finn. As she worked with Seth, he often looked at her speculatively and smiled. ‘When this is all over,’ he said to her once, ‘you’ll have a sense of release, whatever the outcome. This has been on your mind for too long.’
She nodded, knowing that what he said was true. First of all she had to get through it. Several times a day she changed her mind about how she would handle the reunion, until at last she got to a point where she decided not to have a plan, to let the circumstances themselves dictate how she would behave.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
ANNA sat next to Seth on the plane to Boston on a cold, snowy day on which the flight was only half an hour delayed because of the weather. For the umpteenth time it seemed remarkable to her that he should be with her, that he had actually arranged to take time out of his hectic life so that he could be with her. They had talked about the fact that Simon was distantly related to him, how that was a motivating factor in his desire for them to meet. Perhaps, Seth had remarked, he could be of some help to Simon in getting reestablished in Canada.
The flight was short. In no time, it seemed, they were driving in a taxi thought the snowy streets of Boston, then unloading their luggage at the big hotel, one of a chain, where Simon and his sister were staying. It was one of those comfortable, well-run places where you knew that all your needs would be taken care of automatically, without fuss.
Anna glanced around her as they crossed the very large carpeted lobby, pulling their suitcases on wheels, expecting that she might see Simon. He was not there among the numerous people.
She and Seth had separate rooms on the same floor. As they went through the check-in process, she asked, ‘Can you tell us if some friends of ours have arrived, Dr Simon Ruelle and Sophie, his sister?’
The clerk at the front desk checked his computer. ‘Yes, they arrived two days ago. They’re on the second floor.’
In
the lift, going up to their rooms on the sixth floor, Anna had the feeling that she had little claim on Simon. Reality was very rapidly taking over from fantasy. She let out a sigh, holding herself rigid with tension.
‘What are you thinking?’ Seth asked, standing close to her, giving her a sense of protectiveness.
‘Wondering what I’m doing here,’ she said.
‘We could get it over with today, if you like. I’ll contact Sophie and see what she thinks. If we could meet first, maybe we could have dinner together later on in the hotel dining room. I’m looking forward to meeting Simon and Sophie.’
‘A good idea.’ Already she had said, several times, to Seth that she was grateful for his presence. Even so, she felt that she would be forever in his debt.
Sometimes it seemed to her that he was testing her. For what? Perhaps to see if she was essentially different from the woman he had married, who had gone for what she wanted in a very single-minded, blatant way, regardless of what he had wanted. Finding a woman who was ordinarily honest, whether he wanted a relationship with her or not, might do something to restore his faith in human nature, in the female part of it at least. So her incoherent thoughts informed her.
Perhaps he wanted to see how she would behave with Simon, what claims she would make on him, if any. Maybe he needed that for his own sense of sanity. Already she was having second thoughts about even being there. All the trouble that she had gone to with Hector Smythe, all the trouble that he had gone to had come down to this—the fear that she had done the wrong thing, that she didn’t know how she was going to go through with it.
Thoughts churned back and forth in her mind.
‘I’ll knock on your door when I’ve got something arranged,’ Seth said, parting from her at her door part way along a corridor. His room was two doors down. ‘Have courage.’
Quickly, partly to distract herself, she unpacked her small suitcase, had a shower, changed her clothes in the comfortable, anonymous room, dried her hair with the convenient hairdryer in the bathroom, put on a touch of make-up.
When Seth knocked, she was ready, at least superficially. ‘Hi,’ he said, coming in and closing the door. ‘It’s arranged, Anna. I’ve met Simon.’ As he said that, he looked at her soberly, and intuitively she knew that she would find Simon very changed, even though Seth had never met him before. The sick feeling of nervousness deepened.
‘I’m as ready as I’ll ever be, Seth.’
‘I’m to take you down to Simon’s room, where you can see him in private. First, I’ll introduce you to Sophie. We’ll all have dinner together later.’
‘I’m so frightened,’ she said, picking up her room key from a small table by the door.
‘Hey,’ Seth said, gripping her upper arms, ‘you’ve come this far and the worst will soon be over.’ He kissed her on the forehead. ‘You’re a brave woman. You can do it. What happens next should be up to him in regard to any relationship he might want with Finn. I’m getting the impression from you, Anna, that any ideas that you might have had about you and Simon have gone. Am I right?’
‘Yes…I think so,’ she murmured, twisting her door key round and round in her hands. ‘I just don’t know how I’m going to feel when I see him—that’s what I’m frightened of.’
‘I’ll come in with you, if you would like me to, just to introduce you, even though you know each other. It sometimes helps to have a third person present initially.’
‘I’d like that,’ she agreed.
There was tenderness between them as they looked at each other. Then he kissed her, gently, on the mouth. ‘Come on,’ he said. ‘We’ll go to Sophie’s room first, she’s next to Simon.’
Simon’s sister looked older than Anna had thought she would be. No doubt the long journey from South Africa had tired her as she looked exhausted, even though they had stopped over in France for a few days en route in order to rest. The responsibility of being a companion to Simon must also be a great one, Anna speculated as she wondered why his girlfriend, the nurse, was not with them.
‘I’m pleased to meet you,’ Sophie said, shaking Anna’s hand. She was petite and dark-haired, looking a lot like Simon, with a sunburnt face and blue eyes. ‘Simon didn’t tell me much about you, Anna, but, then, he had brain damage that affected his memory and then his concentration for a long time after the accident.’
‘It’s really good to meet you,’ Anna said, somewhat shyly.
‘You won’t find him the same person, I’m afraid,’ Simon’s sister continued, ‘so try to prepare yourself for that. He’s also suffered from depression for a long time. He does remember you now. I’ve told him you will be here to see him, but I didn’t say you had a child. That will be up to you to divulge, if you think it appropriate after you’ve seen him.’
‘Thank you for all your help,’ Anna said, a dark premonition of sadness swamping her. It all seemed rather lame now, what she had wanted for herself, faced as she was with the reality of Simon’s tragic life. It wasn’t about her any more, it was all about him.
‘I have to tell you that there is a woman in South Africa who wants to marry Simon,’ Sophie said. ‘And he’s more or less come round to the idea, even though he won’t be able to have any children. I think Seth told you about that?’
‘Yes.’
‘Her name’s Laura and she took the initiative in that. She loves him, whereas I’m not certain what he feels for her—he hasn’t divulged that to me. If we come to Canada to live, as we hope to do, they will probably marry before they come. We’ll go to western Canada, perhaps to one of the islands.’
‘I see,’ Anna said, appreciating the other woman’s honesty. ‘Have you been to see the doctors yet?’
‘No. We want to rest for a few days. Then we have several appointments, spread out over a week. Seth will take you next door to see Simon now, then I’ll see you both later at dinner. We’ve reserved a table in the dining room. Perhaps we’ll meet for tea as well.’
‘Yes,’ Anna agreed. The time had come, there were to be no more delays.
Still feeling sick with nervousness as they stood outside in the corridor while Seth knocked on Simon’s door, her predominant feeling was one of relief that the years of speculation would soon be over, that she could turn her mind finally to other things after this. Looking for Simon had become an obsession, she could see that very clearly and soberly now. The fact that he was alive was now something that allowed her to let go of the anxiety that had plagued her.
‘Come in.’
Anna cast a quick glance at Seth, who took her arm. ‘It’s going to be all right,’ he said quietly.
Simon was sitting in a chair by a window on the other side of a large room and he turned to look at them as they came in. Seth walked with her firmly towards him, his hand lightly on her elbow. There was a wheelchair nearby, reminding her that Simon could not walk.
Anna felt a sense of shock and such a welling up of intense emotion that she felt she might faint. Although the man in front of them was recognisable, just, as the Simon she had known, he was so changed that she felt she might burst into uncontrollable tears. If they had passed in the street she might not have recognised him. He was very thin, and the eyes that he turned on her were dead of emotion, his face impassive. The bones of his face jutted out beneath tight skin.
‘This is Anna Grey, Simon,’ Seth said, his voice calm and even.
‘Hello, Anna. It’s so nice to see you.’ There was no recognition in his eyes as he looked at her, as he said the polite words, so that she got the impression he hardly knew who she was, that he was going through the motions of politeness because he had been briefed by his sister about who she was and where she came from. ‘Come and sit down beside me.’ He held out a hand to her, palm upwards, as though he wanted her to hold his hand rather than shake it.
‘Hello, Simon,’ she said, her voice trembling as she took his hand. This was going to be as difficult as she had thought it would be, and then some. ‘How are you? I tri
ed to find you, you know, for a long time.’
Seth brought over a small chair so that she could sit next to Simon. ‘I’ll see you later,’ he said quietly to her, squeezing her shoulder.
Simon looked at her, holding her hand as though it were a sort of lifeline and could make him remember. Unable to help herself, tears welled up in her eyes. He looked a lot older, exhausted, his hands thin and trembling, his face almost gaunt, even though he was still a young man. Such were some of the manifestations of the ordeal he had been through. ‘I didn’t know what happened to you,’ she whispered, ‘until very recently.’
‘Don’t cry,’ he said. ‘I’m all right now.’
Anna doubted that he was all right.
‘I was incapacitated for a long time,’ he said, his voice infinitely weary, still giving no obvious indication that he really recognised her, and he spoke slowly, his words slightly slurred as though he was on some sort of medication. It was possible that he was taking antidepressants, Anna speculated. ‘When I finally came back to a semblance of reality, the recent past was more or less dead to me. All I wanted to do was get back to South Africa where I felt I belonged. My career was over, so I felt that my life was over. I’m an invalid now.’
‘Oh, Simon,’ she said softly. This man was like a stranger, his sad eyes looking at her as though he did not really know her. ‘Do you remember anything about Gresham? Do you really remember me?’
‘Yes…I do now. For a long time it seemed like a dream, as though it hadn’t really happened. When I came back to myself, as you might say, I decided I would put that behind me because I could not go back. I thought of you, Anna, but then I thought that you were better off without me. It wasn’t as though we had planned to marry or become engaged, it was more or less casual—at least, that was how I remembered our relationship. Something could have come out of it perhaps, given time, but we didn’t have the time…did we?’
There was a stab of utter sadness, like a knife in the heart, at his words. No, she wanted to say, it was not casual for me. Instead, she looked at him silently.
