She grinned as she turned around with a saucy smile, brushing her hair to one side. “Look, it’s even got my name on it.”
It had his name on it, and he’d never been happier that was something they still shared… his last name. “I love it.”
“I do too,” she said, turning around slowly. “You think we should sneak into my room when the food gets here? I don’t want to wake her.”
“Good idea.” He pulled a T-shirt and athletic shorts out of his suitcase, which was resting on the luggage rack. “You mind listening for the door? I’d really like to get out of this monkey suit.”
“Of course.” She stepped closer and yanked on his pale blue tie. “But I have to admit, you still look damn good in a suit.”
“Oh yeah? Then maybe I shouldn’t take it off.” He wasn’t sure if things would be awkward between them after their phone conversation, so he was relieved Jayda seemed to be in a playful, flirty mood.
“No, you’re right,” she said, undoing his tie and tossing it aside. “You’re wearing too many clothes.”
He swallowed as he watched her unbutton his shirt. Just having her hands on him again was making his heart beat faster, so he grasped her wrists and whispered, “What are you doing?” Not that he wanted her to stop touching him. Ever.
“What’s wrong? Shy all of a sudden? We were married, remember? I’ve seen it all before.” She leaned in to whisper in his ear, her voice low and sultry. “In fact, I’ve pretty much branded every inch of your body with my tongue, haven’t I?”
The air seeped through his lips in a hiss as he closed his hands around her hips, drawing her closer so she could feel the effect her words had on him. “Are you trying to tease me?”
“No.” She lifted her head as she pulled his shirt from his pants then rested her palms against his bare chest. “Maybe I’m just trying to remind us both of what we lost.”
“Don’t think I don’t know,” he said, curling his hands around her face. “I curse myself every day for letting it happen.”
“Then you still have regrets about us?”
“So many, I can’t even begin to tell you.”
As much as he wanted to make love to her tonight, he knew they had more pressing issues to deal with, like where sex could lead them. He didn’t want a one-night stand with the woman he’d never stopped loving. And he didn’t want her to wake up the next morning listing all the reasons it should never have happened. When not if, it happened, he wanted her to be one hundred percent sure.
“I can see the wheels turning,” she said, twirling her index finger around his temple. “You want to talk first, don’t you?”
He chuckled. “You make it sound like a bad thing.”
She sighed. “Maybe I’m tired of overanalyzing everything. Maybe I just came here planning to act on impulse, for once, and let whatever happened happen.”
As tempting as her offer sounded, they weren’t carefree kids anymore. They had a child to think about now, and they had to put her first.
As though she could read his mind, Jayda glanced at Cadence, who looked like a little angel in her white cotton nightgown trimmed with pink lace. “Being a mom has always been the most important thing in the world to me. I’ve always put her first. I’ve never let myself sleep with anyone without thinking about the impact it would have on her.”
Chase felt his body tense involuntarily. The thought of Jayda being with someone else had that effect on him. “I know you’re an amazing mom, Jay, I’d never question that. But this is different. We’re her parents. And doesn’t every child want her parents to get back together?”
“She wants us to have another baby, you know.”
Chase felt as if someone had gut-punched him. He could give his daughter almost anything money could buy, but he couldn’t give her that. “She told you that?”
Jayda nodded, giving him a half-smile. “Over and over again. I’m surprised she hasn’t said anything to you about it.”
“No.” His throat was still dry as he shook his head. “Not a word.”
“Of course she’s too young to have the talk about where babies come from,” Jayda said, hooking her thumbs in his belt loops. “So I just told her that wasn’t going to happen because we’re not married anymore.”
“And that explanation satisfied her?” Their daughter was nothing if not precocious.
“Uh, no.” Jayda grinned. “She reminded me that her friend Sadie’s parents aren’t married either and they have three kids. She said she was only asking for one little sister and thought I was being unreasonable for not providing it.”
“Maybe we are.” Jayda’s smile slipped, and he could tell he’d crossed the line. Common sense told him to shut it, but the question bubbled up anyway. “You can’t tell me you’ve never thought about having another baby. I remember when Cadence was born—you didn’t want to put her down. You’d hold her and rock her in that rocking chair for the longest time, even though the doc warned you that you were spoiling her.”
“I couldn’t help it,” Jayda said, her eyes drifting to Cadence. “She was just so perfect. I couldn’t believe we’d created someone so… precious.”
“I would give anything for another chance to be a dad,” he whispered. “I missed out on so many things with Cadence. Her first steps, first words, first day of school—”
“Chase, what the hell?” She stepped back, flattening her palm against his chest. “How did we go from contemplating sex to talking about the possibility of having another baby?”
“You brought it up.”
“As a joke.” She pushed her hair off her face, her emerald eyes wide. “I thought you’d laugh, not—”
“I’m not laughing.” His voice was husky as his eyes trailed over her. “Nothing about this is funny, Jay. Having you guys here makes me realize how much I want my life back, how much I want my family back.”
“You…” She shook her head. “This is all too much. I can’t…”
He watched her back into her own room. As much as he wanted to go after her, he knew she needed time to collect her thoughts, so he let her go as he made his way into the bathroom to change.
***
Jayda was sitting on her bed, watching a Dateline rerun when Chase tapped on her door ten minutes after she’d bolted. She got up to answer it, feeling silly for the way she’d left.
“Hey,” she said, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.
“You still hungry?” he asked, holding a tray. “’Cause I’m willing to share.”
She stepped back. “Sure, come on in.” Since a thin wall separated her room from Chase’s, she was certain they’d be able to hear Cadence if she called out for them. “I’m sorry about—”
“No need to apologize.” He set the tray on the small table by the window before turning to face her. “I pushed you. I shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry.”
She didn’t want him to feel guilty for being honest with her. She needed him to tell her what was on his mind if they had any chance of finding their way out of this tangled web of disappointment, hurt feelings, resentment and… hope. Because in spite of their complicated past, she still had hope that somehow, some way, they could be a family again, in every sense of the word.
“Please don’t be sorry,” she said.
She walked toward him slowly, not sure what she wanted to do or say until her eyes met his lips and he licked him. It was the only invitation she needed. Jayda had never been a shy or timid woman. When she saw something she wanted, she went after it, and right now, she wanted her ex-husband. His hand drifted down her back as he deepened the kiss.
Before kissing him, Jayda couldn’t understand all the hype about sex. She’d been an inexperienced teen who could take or leave boys, but Chase changed all that. One taste of his lips and she never wanted to go another day without her fix.
But she’d survived years without him, she reminded herself as common sense slowly infiltrated her lust-addled brain. After the divorce, she’d
become the strong, independent woman she’d always wanted to be. Was she really willing to sacrifice that for one more chance with a man who’d left her once before?
She pulled back and wiped her lips with the back of her hand.
“You okay?” he asked, frowning. He must have seen the indecision in her eyes because he looked concerned as he reluctantly released her.
“Do you think we can just talk for a bit?” She gestured to the table. “And eat? I guess I’m hungrier than I thought.” Not really, but it was an excuse to take a breather and think this through before they made a mistake they couldn’t take back and their innocent daughter got caught in the middle.
“Sure.” He pulled out her chair and waited until she was seated before he took the silver dome lid off their food. “I ordered you chamomile tea. I hope that’s okay?”
“Perfect.” The tea was a painful reminder of how well this man knew her. She always had a cup of tea before bed, claiming it helped her sleep. “Thank you.”
Their eyes met and held, and she knew he was thinking about the life they’d shared and all the simple things they were missing out on by not being together anymore.
He spread the napkin in his lap before reaching for his water. “I really never expected to lay all this on you tonight,” he said, shaking his head and staring at the glass as he set it back down. “I’m just so grateful you guys came out here to support me. The last thing I wanted to do was screw that up by coming on too strong.”
“I can’t believe you’re…” Asking for a second chance. “I mean, I can’t believe we’re really here. It still feels a little surreal, to be honest.” Since she’d claimed she was hungry, she took a stem of grapes and a few blocks of cheese from the tray and began to munch on them.
“It feels like the one thing I’ve been waiting for since I signed those damn divorce papers.” He curled his hand into a fist on the tabletop. “All I ever wanted is to have you and Cadence back in my life.”
“Our daughter was always a part of your life.”
“I know, but it wasn’t the same. I wanted to see you guys at our house every time I walked through the door. I wanted to kiss her good night, read her bedtime stories, and drive her to school.”
“You get to do all of those things when you’re in town.” She tried not to feel guilty about the things Chase was missing out on with Cadence, but it wasn’t easy.
“But you weren’t a part of my life anymore.” He looked pained as he said, “I may have had Cadence, but I didn’t have you. And that left a hole in my heart that nothing and no one could fill.”
She reached for her tea, needing a minute to collect herself as he watched her. “We both made mistakes. We should have talked, like we are now, tried harder to work it out. Our family was worth it.”
“Jay,” he said, reaching across the small table to cover her hand with his, “our family was everything to me. You have to know that.”
She looked at his strong, tanned hand, choosing her words carefully. She didn’t want to fight or put him on the defensive, but she needed answers. “Then why did you sign that contract without talking to me first? How could you do that?”
His shoulders slumped before he leaned back in his chair. He crossed his arms, never breaking eye contact with her. “It may sound stupid and selfish, but I wanted you guys all to myself. Your family was—”
“Toxic?” She smirked when his eyes flashed with regret. He’d told her that dozens of times. He’d said her family was preventing her from living her own life and being happy. They were like a ball and chain, weighing her down, he’d claimed.
“I’m sorry.” He sighed, running a hand over his forehead. “I had no right to say that, but I know a thing or two about toxic families. They’ll suck the life out of you if you let them.”
She thought of her family, the choices they’d made, and the sacrifices she’d made to help them. “I know they’re not perfect, but they’re all I have.”
He stared at her. “No, that’s not true. You have Cadence. And you had me. We were supposed to be your family, your first priority.”
She bristled at the implication she’d somehow let them down. “I was doing the best I could to honor my promises. To everyone.” She took a deep breath. “I was used to taking care of my father and brother. Ever since my mother died, they depended on me. You knew that when you married me.”
“I did.” He shook his head, looking sullen. “I guess I just thought things would change when we had a baby of our own, that maybe you’d take me up on my offer to pay for your father and brother’s care.”
She swallowed the lump in her throat. “But they weren’t your responsibility. They were mine. As hard as it was, I had to find a way to take care of them on my own. It wouldn’t have been right to take advantage of you.”
“Are you even listening to yourself right now?” he asked, sounding incredulous. “I was your husband, not your boyfriend. My money was your money. That’s why I insisted on joint accounts, but you never spent a dime of that money, did you?”
“Yes, I did,” she said, spearing a piece of cantaloupe with her fork. “If Cadence needed something—”
“But you used your ‘own money’ for everything else, didn’t you?” he asked, making air quotes around the words.
“So what if I did?” she asked, shrugging. “What’s the big deal? I wanted to remain independent. I didn’t want to count on you for every little thing.”
“Do you have any idea how that made me feel?” he asked, his voice hoarse.
She could tell she’d struck a nerve, but she honestly didn’t think she’d done anything so terrible. She didn’t want to be one of those women who treated herself to her husband’s money as if she’d been the one to earn it.
“No, I guess I don’t,” she said finally when it became obvious he expected an answer.
“It made me feel like you didn’t need me.” His expression was pained when he whispered, “I just wanted you to need me for something. If you did, then you wouldn’t leave me.”
She sucked in a sharp breath when she realized her sexy, famous, rich, talented ex-husband had actually been insecure in their marriage. “And you thought if I got comfortable spending your money that I’d need you?” That was a twisted sense of logic, but she understood all too well the desire to be needed.
“I thought if you learned to count on me, if you let me help you, if we actually acted like a team, partners, that yeah…” He released a shaky breath. “Maybe you’d realize how much you needed me. But you didn’t. You treated me like I was dispensable, right up until you watched me walk out the door. I stepped onto that elevator and sobbed like a goddamn baby when I realized you weren’t coming after me… that I’d lost you, lost my baby girl, all because I was trying too hard to hold on to you.”
They could never have had this conversation years ago, Jayda realized. Their emotions had been too raw, their feelings too hurt. But now, after time and the decisions they’d both made, it was easier for her to see his side of the story, to imagine what he must have been thinking and feeling when he signed a contract he assumed would take them all clear across the country.
“You weren’t the only one who cried.” She felt as though she could barely breathe as she admitted, “I sank to the floor when you left and couldn’t stop crying. Whether you knew it or not, you were my world.”
“How did we even get here?” He ran his hands through his cropped hair before linking his hands behind his neck. “Ugh, it wasn’t supposed to be like this. We were never supposed to split. The only reason I worked my ass off to get to the pros was so I could marry you, have a family, and give them the kind of life we never had growing up.”
“I know.” They’d had big plans, and so many of them revolved around Chase’s baseball career. She wanted it as much as he did, that incredible life he’d promised her. But when it finally started to happen for them, she’d felt overwhelmed… by the money, his fame, the travel. Not to mention the thousands
of women who suddenly wanted her man. “But I guess it wasn’t like I thought it would be.”
“What are you talking about?”
“It’s not easy, you know, being a famous pro athlete’s wife.”
“Oh?” he said, raising an eyebrow. “So it’s better being my ex-wife?”
“I didn’t say that.” She shrugged, hating that she too had to admit how vulnerable and insecure she’d been in their marriage. “I just meant… it wasn’t easy being with you. I loved you so much. Too much.”
“How can you love someone too much?”
She didn’t expect him to understand, especially since she wasn’t explaining herself well. “I guess I felt like I was starting to lose myself in you, and that scared me. Your identity was getting bigger, and mine was getting smaller. I was afraid I was going to disappear altogether. I’d just be some nameless, faceless shadow by your side that people didn’t even notice.”
“God, how can you even say that?” He smiled as he looked her over. “When you walk into a room, everyone notices, trust me. You know how much grief I took from my teammates tonight after they saw you?”
She knew how guys could be, especially when it came to locker room talk. “I’m not sure I want to know.”
“Suffice it to say, they all thought I was crazy for letting you get away.” He hesitated before adding, “I happen to agree. That’s why I want you back.”
Wow. He’d actually said it… he wanted her back. Now what?
“I don’t even know what that means,” she said, overcome by fear and panic. Was he asking her to uproot her life, not to mention their daughter’s, so they could move across the country to live in a big, empty house and wait for him to come home once a week for nine months of the year? How could that work? She’d be bored out of her mind without a job to keep her busy.
“It means that I still love you.”
Make Up Call (Summer Rush #3) Page 11
