Josh had continued to remain deep in thought even a half hour later when they were returning to the wounded warrior home.
Nina pulled the truck to a halt near the front entrance, halfway around the circular drive. “Are you sure you can handle getting inside? It’s pretty slick near the door.”
He grinned wryly. “I thought I heard a snow blower going?”
“You did. And they’re scattering salt too. Wow, you’re getting really good at distinguishing sounds, Josh.”
“It’s the military training for special ops. I’m beginning to finally see the relevance behind all the rigorous exercise. Apparently, my senses are pretty attuned to my surroundings.” He grinned wryly. “That’s a good thing when you can’t see.”
“I imagine,” she answered, laughing softly. “Well, goodnight then. It’s been...fun.”
“Yeah it has,” Josh answered.
Reaching for the door handle, he paused. “I’m sorry.”
Nina blinked. “For what?”
“For not being able to kiss you back. It wasn’t you—it’s me. I really wanted to. Sometimes, something’s not quite right in my head,” he admitted quietly, scrambling outside from the truck. “It’s always been like that,” Josh continued, before slamming the door.
Nina watched Josh consideringly as he made his way through the entrance, feeling his way through the doorway.
So maybe Josh was feeling the same way that she was too? He’d only recently begun having regular sessions with the facility shrink.
Nina would give him some time to heal before analyzing her own feelings further, she decided, driving away. But recognizing that deep-seated attraction she’d never quit feeling for Josh, she had a feeling it’d be easier said than done.
Chapter Six
Nina had taken a step back, Josh realized a week later, and it was his own damn fault. Why hadn’t he been able to return her kiss the other day?
And admitting that he’d desperately wanted to kiss her back was an understatement.
Nina was only making an appearance in the mornings now. But Josh was feeling pretty darn good physically, and a lot of that had to do with the fact he’d been able to start a regular workout schedule twice a day by using the special equipment available in the gym. Instead of freestanding weights and barbells, he was using safer all-in-one machine alternatives to replace his more vigorous workout requirements for maintaining his upper body strength. And jogging was made easy for him by running in place on a track. With Steve’s assistance, he was able to set up a predetermined number of miles each day on a computerized system in order to begin building up to his previous endurance.
Josh had been surprised to discover that he might be able to remain enlisted even if he was blind. There would be a lot of strenuous tests he’d be required to pass, but Jake had mentioned he would talk more about it with Josh after the first of the year.
But the biggest surprise of all was that he might be able to return to active duty.
But did he really want to go back? He had a lot of thinking to do about the future.
So far, Nina hadn’t suggested going back to the shelter and Josh had been feeling a little disappointed.
It was Friday night, and Josh had just returned to his room from his workout with Steve. He was trying to figure out what to do for the rest of the night when he recognized the sound of Luke’s unsteady gait as he walked into the room.
“Hey. What are you doing here?”
Luke grinned. “Aren’t you happy I’m here?”
“Sure.”
“You don’t sound like it.”
Josh heard Luke dragging a chair to where Josh was sitting on the bed, and drop down into the seat. “What’s bothering you?” Luke asked. “You’ve been acting a little off this week. I figured you might be ready to talk a few things out with me.”
“How’d you do it, man?” Josh asked dejectedly. “Have a real relationship with a woman after what Dad did to you?”
“Oh, Josh,” Luke groaned. “Not you too? I thought that I was the only one having the problem, since you had so many girlfriends. I’ll admit, it took me a while. I just couldn’t believe Kelly could be in love with someone like me. Before I was willing to let myself believe it, I went through a hell of a lot of women and meaningless relationships.”
Josh laughed humorously. “I couldn’t even do that. I just felt...dirty.”
“But Josh...” Luke cleared his throat. “You don’t mean...?” Obviously astonished by Josh’s confession, Luke went quiet.
But finally, he spoke. “Josh, you need to start talking to that shrink you’ve been seeing—he needs to know a lot more about you besides how you’re dealing with your blindness and experience in Iraq.”
“Yeah, I was just thinking the same thing. I mean I’m really attracted to Nina. But I freeze when it comes to even kissing her.”
“What? But I thought...?” Luke’s voice faded away.
“Thought what?”
“Well, that you and Nina were already...a couple. At least back then.”
“Why would you think that?” Josh asked curiously.
“The drawings, man. There’s a bunch of sketches of Nina in those old notebooks of yours that I saved.”
Josh froze. The drawings. He’d gone a little crazy after sharing that first kiss with her fifteen years ago. Nina had been his favorite subject. And later, in Iraq...well, he’d been thinking about her even more.
Josh sighed heavily. “Let’s just say, back then, she and I had, well...a magical moment.”
Luke laughed softly. “By any chance, was it at Dragonfly Pointe?” Josh heard humor in Luke’s voice.
“How’d you know that?” Josh growled.
“Hey, man. Haven’t you heard?”
“Heard what?”
Luke laughed harder this time. “That love is everlasting if you share a kiss at Dragonfly Pointe?”
Josh snorted. “Nah. Not really?”
“Oh, yeah,” Luke admitted wryly.
“I’m in trouble then,” Josh stated matter-of-factly.
“Yeah, you are,” Luke answered, still laughing.
But then he became serious. “Just promise me one thing?”
“What?” Josh asked.
“You’ll get into your past with Dr. Endicott? He’s been great with me. I’ve told him everything, so if you get to the point where you want to talk it out, I’m more than willing to come in and we can all rehash it together. Hey, man, even Kelly has been attending group support meetings. Sometimes it’s hard to be upbeat, no matter how hard you try.”
Quietly, Josh nodded his agreement.
* * *
He was discovering what he was going through wasn’t so uncommon after all for victims of abuse, according to Dr. Endicott. And revealing the deep dark secrets from his past wasn’t as difficult as he thought it’d be.
But one thing that would be tough? Telling the truth about his tarnished past to the woman he was beginning to care for, because this was the reason he was finding it so hard to commit to a relationship that was real.
Josh was scared to death that she wouldn’t understand.
Chapter Seven
Nina was starting to feel a little dejected. Although she’d been giving him space, Josh had become a lot more distant this past week.
She’d finally been able to set up arrangements for her and Steve to transport Josh back and forth to the shelter so he’d be able to work with Ralph, and she was hoping the news would cheer Josh up.
So, after waking up a little earlier than usual this morning, she decided to go into the center and let Josh in on their plans, since she’d be taking him into the shelter later today.
Saturday mornings were always busy at the wounded warrior home because of visitors, but it was Veteran’s Day weekend, so not only would many more family members be here today because of a special celebratory dinner scheduled for late afternoon, there’d be several strangers touring the facility. Always considering eve
ry possible method for building up the center’s funding, Jake Loughlin and his wife Danielle were sneaky good about arranging events that might draw in extra donations.
As Nina parked her truck in its assigned spot, she glanced across the grounds first and then at the clean architectural lines of the center. The first patients had been those requiring prosthetics, but then a bunch of additional construction had been finished this past year, including the building of the wing where Josh and some of the more seriously injured patients were recovering. Another wing would be built early in spring to aid patients who were suffering severely from PTSD, and plans for additional treatment add-ons had been drawn allowing for growth and expansion during the next ten years.
The facility had been set amidst the woods, but the property was high above the lakefront. The incline dropped gradually to a wide sandy beach, shared with the special needs students and residents of Crystal Visions, which had been constructed further down the road beside the lakefront.
The snow was already beginning to melt, Nina noticed, walking in through the front entrance, and the temperature, at fifty degrees, was rather mild for this time of the year in Northwest Wisconsin.
She’d managed to avoid the crowd, she realized sighing with relief as she made her way through the corridor to Josh’s room, and she wasn’t thinking about the fact that she was here a little earlier than usual when she rapped at his door and walked into the room.
Oh shoot, she thought, glancing at Josh. She’d caught him again while he was getting dressed.
Surprisingly, he grinned turning towards her and zipping up his pants. “Nina. You’re here early.”
She swallowed glancing at Josh from head to toe. Normally he was wearing a shirt when she checked out his vitals. He’d filled out a little more during these last few weeks, and he looked surprisingly fit, appearing contented today compared to the mood he’d been in the past week.
But today she was even more aware of him than usual, and not only was she noticing the depth and breadth of his shoulders, and the dark hair dusting his chest, she was seeing every puckering scar and slash mark crossing his upper and lower back.
What he must have gone through...
He stood near the window with the morning sun shining through defining each and every wound, and she found herself moving even closer.
Josh stilled when she ran her fingers lightly over a particularly disturbing gash protruding from his upper back. Scar tissue had formed nearly an inch above the surface of his skin.
“Oh, Josh,” she moaned, with tears in her eyes. “The pain you must’ve gone through.”
And not just physically. How had a little boy grown up the way he had, and still developed the integrity he had today? It had to have been inborn.
Josh swallowed. But instead of trying to hide away the evidence of his abuse, he wrapped Nina into his arms, whispering softly, “Some father, huh?”
She closed her eyes, allowing herself to feel his pain while at the same time taking comfort from his embrace. His soap or aftershave reminded her of the outdoors, and he’d obviously just brushed his teeth because his scent was infused with a touch of mint.
Nina smiled ruefully. This was highly improper since she was his nurse. Although this facility seemed to be working with a whole new set of rules than Nina had followed in the past.
But, so far, with the success rate at this facility, the different guidelines they were following were obviously working. Nina’s experience had shown her that support, guidance and love was what these soldiers needed.
Except possibly more funding and vocational support from a government that was lax in assisting those who were ready to give their lives for their country. It was shameful what some returning soldiers were forced to go through when coming home and attempting to resume their lives, particularly those who were injured.
Nina drew in a deep breath, reluctantly pulling away from Josh.
Who was still smiling. “Let me finish getting dressed and you can tell me why you’re here so early today.”
Now knowing that Josh had been responsible for creating the design, Nina studied the tattoo covering Josh’s back and shoulders a little more closely. There was so much intricacy in the pattern, and Nina became curious. “Why the tattoo of the hawk, Josh?”
He sighed heavily. “At times I didn’t know if I would survive with the way I was treated by my dad. I’d escape in my mind, Nina, flying high like a hawk. It was the only way I could handle it.”
“Oh, Josh,” she said softly, remaining quiet for a long moment.
Finally, she asked, “Who did you know back then that was skilled enough to etch the design into your skin?”
After tucking his shirt into his jeans, Josh cleared his throat. “Well, there was this girl who lived over in the next county where we used to live before moving to Crystal Rock...”
Nina cut him off sharply. “That’s all right. You don’t need to tell me.” Shoot. Was she actually jealous?
Josh reached out wrapping his hand around her wrist. “It wasn’t like that Nina. She also did Luke’s tattoo for him when I asked. It’s not something that can be done overnight, you know. And I would scrape up a little money each time and pay her. There was a group of us that hung out together, because we didn’t really have anywhere else to go, and Sarah was one of us. In fact, she was a runaway.” He sighed deeply. “I always wonder what happened to her after I was gone. But I told Jake about her and the others, so I’m hoping he was able to help.”
Josh suddenly grinned. “Hey, why would you care about a girl I might have been seeing fifteen years ago?”
Nina laughed softly. “You know why.”
Josh came up closer. “I’m ready to hear it again.”
“Because I had a huge crush on you back then. I used to see you around town, and you always reminded me a little of myself. I always kind of felt like an outsider, even though I definitely don’t feel that way anymore.”
Josh smiled wryly. “I used to feel the same way about you, especially after that kiss.”
“Then why...?”
Josh laid his hand over mouth. Geez, his accuracy was amazing for not being able to see.
“Will you promise me something Nina? I’ve been talking to the shrink all week and I think I might be ready to take the next step moving forward, when it comes to trying to put the past behind me.”
“Whatever you want me to promise, I will,” Nina answered, sounding rather breathless.
“That you’ll be patient with me? You’re really important to me and being around you scares me half to death sometimes. I’ve got a lot of problems and hang-ups. I’m sure someone’s mentioned the nightmares I’ve been having since I got here? I just don’t know if someone like me would be good for you. And then there’s this blindness...”
Pulling away, Nina stomped her foot, jabbing her finger into the middle of his chest. “Don’t you dare say something like that, Josh Loughlin. I’ll be the one who decides if someone is good for me or not.” Nina was surprised to discover there were tears running down her face.
“God, I wish I could see you,” Josh murmured, pulling her into his arms. “Okay, then, you’re stuck with me Nina, for better or worse. One of these days I’m finally going to kiss you again, and this time I promise, it’s really going to be good.”
A few minutes later they finally broke away from their embrace, and Nina went back into nursing mode, still slightly flustered.
After Nina took his vitals, Josh was sitting on the edge of the bed, smiling.
“What are you so happy about?” Nina asked suspiciously.
“You. You’re taking me back to the shelter today, aren’t you?”
She snorted. “Now you can read my mind, huh?”
“Maybe,” he answered. “Mostly, I was thinking about how you were just as excited about the dog as I was. You never had a pet when you were growing up either?”
She laughed softly. “No, it would’ve been too difficult. It was jus
t me and mom after my dad got killed in Afghanistan, when I was only about six. And then my mom got so sick...”
“Huh. Your dad served too?”
“Yep, in the Air Force.”
“That it explains it, then,” Josh said.
“What?” she asked.
“Your dedication to wounded soldiers. It probably makes you feel closer to your dad? And maybe your mom, too?”
“Hmm.” Nina grimaced. “I never really thought it about like that. You might be right.”
Josh grinned. “I’m rarely wrong.”
Nina rolled her eyes and smiled, writing some notes on his chart.
“Let’s get out of here and eat. What time do I get released to go to the shelter?”
She looked up from the chart and watched Josh shove his wallet into his pocket. “As soon as we’re done with the Veteran’s Day banquet this afternoon—probably between four and five.”
“Sounds good,” he answered.
Grabbing his stick from the hook near the door, he walked from his room.
Nina followed closely behind with the metal clipboard tucked under her arm.
Chapter Eight
She would’ve loved to have spent time during those next few weeks before Thanksgiving with Josh at the shelter while he was training with Ralph. But it was nearing the holidays, and she and Melinda and the other nurse, Kira, were alternating shifts allowing each of them time off for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Although there were only ten patients in residence at the wounded warrior home right now, the three nurses divided their time between the growing number of special needs residents at Crystal Visions as well, so there was a search being conducted for both an additional full and part-time nurse since they were so short-staffed.
She and Josh continued growing closer, and eventually he wanted Nina to sit in on one of his sessions with the psychologist. He’d also made friends with a couple of patients who’d served in other branches of the military, so he wasn’t quite as lonely as he’d previously been. Josh would spend evenings in the lounge after training with Ralph, where his brother Luke would sometimes join them watching football and hockey, while Josh listened to the games.
Two Hearts Find Christmas Page 7
