by Peter Rabe
“Sure, Tober, sure. Now what else do I have to know? What’ll she do when it doesn’t knock her out?”
“Whatever she’s been doing, only more so. She’ll be keen like a spring wound tight. If she doesn’t like you, watch out. If she likes you, watch out. Any way you look at it, take it easy with her when she’s charged. If you say boo she won’t turn, she’ll twirl. If you pinch her she won’t slap you, she’ll tear your head off. Anyway, it’s something like that. I kept the dose small, so maybe you’ll be all right. If you keep her swimming your way, you should do all right. Just watch she doesn’t turn the opposite direction. And Benny, if you don’t have to use it-”
“Sure, Tober. I’ll send the stuff back to you.”
Tober shook his head. “I didn’t mean that.” He looked down, rubbing his nose. “Besides, I’m getting off the junk.”
“Sure, Tober.” Benny turned to the bed.
“No, Benny, I mean it. I’m shaking that monkey. When my batch is gone, that’s it No more.”
“Stop clowning, Tober. Nobody takes the cold turkey on his own.”
But Tober wasn’t clowning. He sat down by the door and watched Benny gather up the girl. “I’ve tried everything else, kid.” His voice was a whisper. “There’s a place I’m going to. It’s all arranged.” Benny was coming toward the door. He had the gun in one hand and Pat was hanging over his shoulder.
“Wish me luck, kid?” Tober said.
“Take a look out the door. Careful.”
Tober looked, then nodded.
“Now go down the stairs and look around in the hall. Then come back.”
Tober had barely turned the corner to the staircase when Benny made a dash for the door opposite. Tober’s room.
In spite of the awkward weight he was carrying, Benny moved like a cat. In the bathroom he pulled open the door to the medicine chest, felt around with one hand, and came up with a metal box. There was a syringe in there, extra needles, a spoon, and a tin of canned heat. The rest of the space was filled with the little white envelopes. He grabbed them up in two handfuls and stuffed his pocket He turned, hesitated. His hand went into his pocket once more. He threw half of the little white envelopes back.
Benny was waiting when Tober came back.
They crept down the hall to the rear and took the stairs that went to the kitchen. It was dark.
“Hey, Benny,” Tober whispered. “Wish me luck?”
There was no answer in the dark, only the breathing. Then Benny was in the open. The night air was cool and the palm fronds overhead made a dry sound.
“Benny-”
“Shut up. Stay with her and shut up.”
The girl’s form was on the ground now while Benny was circling the yard. There was only a dim light from the main entrance of the house and a small red glow near one of the cars, like a red point where someone stood by the car. Benny crept up quietly, and when he swung at the figure waiting there, there was no sound but a dull thud. A scattering of little red sparks blinked on the gravel.
Benny went back and picked up the girl and ran across the yard. By the time Tober had followed, Benny had backed the convertible out with a sharp squeal.
“Benny, wish me luck?” Tober called into the wind that rushed by.
The car was already dipping around the turn when Benny looked back. “Luck!” he called.
Chapter Fifteen
Once during the night he stopped to close the top of the car. He reached back to fold Pat’s arm that had swung over the edge of the seat and he moved her head a little. Then he drove again.
When the morning light was still nowhere and only a gray pallor had come up, she began to stir. Benny pulled the car to the side of the road and watched her wake up. She came up suddenly, with a strong shiver running through her body, her eyes looking wide and confused.
“Benny,” she said, “what are you doing?”
“Did you sleep good?”
She looked at him, her face drawn. “I don’t know,” she mumbled. “I don’t know, Benny,” and she shivered again.
He opened one door and folded the front seat back. “Come on up front, Pat. It’s warmer.”
She came around. She curled on the seat next to him, waiting for the blast from the heater to loosen her stiffness.
Benny drove again. He lit a cigarette for her and watched her smoke. There was no point in waiting any longer. “Pat, are you listening?”
“I’m listening.” She had leaned back, staring at the canvas above.
“Do you remember last night?”
“I remember.” She smoked, looking up.
“I’m sorry.”
“Sure. We know each other.”
He wished she’d look at him, show what went on.
“You know me, or else you wouldn’t have done it,” she said. “And I know you, so I’m not surprised you did it.”
“Pat. Understand this. Sometimes there comes a-there is a place you come to and nowhere to turn. A god-awful thing chasing from behind, a black drop in the front. It’s like murder to jump, but you got to. So you go ahead. You do something like murder to get out, and it’s over. Never again. It worked, and it’s done.”
“You’re talking about your business deal, I think?”
“Pat, did you understand what I tried to say?”
“Of course. It’s the same with me.” She paused. “A god-awful thing chasing me and a black pit in front. So I do something like murder. I take dope.”
The answer made him crawl, or perhaps it was the way she had said it. She was still leaning back, and her eyes looked at the canvas roof as if it were a fine long view.
“Pat, listen. How long’s this been going on?”
“I stopped. I never took much and then stopped. That is, till a few days ago.”
He took a deep breath and felt a stiffness in his neck. The stiffness clamped his throat when he tried to talk again. “No more, Pat. I’ll help you.”
“Like last night?” She shifted her eyes for the first time. “Like last night, when you held me down?”
“No! Forget that Christ, they were after us and you were lying there all scrambled and crazy with it. Don’t you see that? And don’t you remember before, you and I-”
She had moved to sit up and then she stopped. Her face came down, pressing into his sleeve. “Benny, I don’t-I feel rotten, Benny, rotten.” He could feel her hands working the cloth of his sleeve.
“You’re all right, kid. You’ll be all right. Lie down, Patty. Sleep some more. It’ll be all right, Patty, from now on.”
After a moment she relaxed. She even smiled at him. “I believe you,” she said, and a little later she went to sleep.
He thought about what he’d said to her, how he’d meant every word of it. He never thought of the little white envelopes that sometimes made a small noise in his pocket. Nor did it occur to him to let go of the girl who was the hub of his deal. It was one hell of a big deal and that point he never questioned.
When they crossed into Louisiana she was still sleeping. On the other side of Haute Platte he cut off the highway and headed toward Malcotte. The land looked flat and dull. Sometimes it was dry and barren, sometimes there were swamps, and Malcotte was in between, simmering in the sultry air that moved up from the Gulf. Now and then cars would come through the town, making the loop that saved them from going through Haute Platte. That’s why Malcotte had a motel. It looked deserted and strictly homemade.
They took the cabin in the rear where the live oaks crowded in. Benny pulled the car under the trees so it couldn’t be seen from the highway. He turned off the key and let his hands drop from the wheel.
“Aren’t you getting out?” She stood by the side of the car, waiting.
“In a minute. Let me be for a minute.” He was half dead from lack of sleep. He saw the dust standing in the low sun where the car had wheeled it off the ground. He heard the slow crackling of the hot metal under the hood. When he shook his head and got out of the car, he saw t
hat Pat had gone inside.
There was a bed, a rocker, and a chipped bureau. Benny let himself fall on the bed. Shower sounds came from the bathroom. Pat’s clothes were all over the floor. She always threw her clothes all over the floor. She took hot showers in the late afternoon. Benny could see the steam seeping in.
She turned the shower off and remembered the other cabin where she and Benny had been. And the room in Tober’s place, and Benny talking to her in the car. When she came back into the room she looked flushed and glistening. She looked beautiful. Then the sharp line showed between her eyes. On the bed she saw Benny, clothes wrinkled, and even his shoes were still on. He also had one hand in the pocket where the car keys were.
Chapter Sixteen
When he woke up he thought for a moment that he had just lain down. The sound of the shower came from the bathroom and he could see the steam creep out under the door, but now the low sun came from a different side. He jumped up fast, wondering about the night. There was an ash tray full of butts near the bed and some of them had burned out on the floor.
When the shower stopped he watched the door, but it was several minutes before it opened. Then Pat came in, dressed. She hadn’t left her clothes all over the floor this time.
He looked at her and he saw it wasn’t good.
“Saint Benny,” she said.
He shook his jacket off and took a deep breath. “Look, Pat. I was tired. Why do-”
Then she laughed. “I’m thrilled, Tapkow. That really thrills me. I’m truly stimulated by the thought of a man like you. He goes to bed with me because he’s tired and wants to sleep.” Abruptly she changed her voice. “You don’t kid me any more, lover. With you it’s either business or business.”
“Shut up!”
She stopped but the line between her eyes got deeper.
“I was tired. I was tired because I had to get away from that place.” He got up and paced from one wall to the next, then stopped in front of her. “You got a talent, kid: you’re getting under my skin. You must have had it for a long time, talent like that, you’re so good at it. But listen to me, Pat.” His voice was sharp now. “Stop pulling these switches. Stop tearing and biting, stop making yourself sick, do you hear?”
Her teeth showed and she tried to step back. “You know what you can-”
“Do you hear? Sick!” His hand held her close.
He saw her blink, the line gone between her eyes, and for a moment a helpless apprehension showed, the kind that doesn’t stay, but turns to fright. She bit her lip and when she put her hand down it might have been because they stood so close, but her face came to his chest and with a sudden thoughtless urge his arms came up, held her around the back. He felt her stiffen, or maybe not, and then she did the same as he, and, once again, there was no space at all between them.
The day is hot early in Louisiana. They moved again, feeling the close murk in the room. Except for moments that were hard to think of then, it hadn’t been all good.
When a man drowns and then finds the hold that saves him, that doesn’t make the drowning any pleasanter. They got up and didn’t talk. They did a little straightening to the room without talking. He held his pack out and she took a cigarette, waiting for the light He gave it to her.
“You need some clothes. You look all wrinkled,” he said.
He watched her fingers plucking the seam that ran down the front of the skirt, and there was a skittering to the movement, an unpleasant off beat in the rhythm of her hand. He looked away.
She got up and opened the window in the back, then slammed it down again.
“That heat,” she said.
“I’ll buy an air conditioner.”
She went to the door. “I want to get out of here,” she said. “I want to get out of here, Benny.”
The way she’d said it, she could have used “Tapkow” instead. Or even “Saint Benny.”
“We got to stay.” It sounded sullen.
“We got to stay,” she aped. “Why?” She turned to the bed where he sat. “Why?”
“Please, Pat-”
“You know why?”
“Pat, I’ve asked you-” But when he got up and stepped her way, she turned again to face the wall and hit it with her fist.
“Oh, God,” she groaned. “Oh, God.”
His hands were on her shoulders. They were small and not soft.
“Don’t.” She held still. “Don’t even try,” she said. “I hate this, you hate this, but it comes and don’t even try. I said don’t,” and she whirled around.
“Pat, I know that-”
“You know, you know! You know nothing. Let’s go.”
“We’ll go to town and I’ll buy you some clothes.”
“Away. Don’t you hear me? I want to go away from here. To Tober’s.” Her voice was intense now. “We can go back to Tober’s and fool everybody. It just occurred to me what a neat trick that would be, Benny. We go back to Tober’s and fool everybody because-”
“You don’t fool everybody. Why Tober’s?”
“Just Tober’s place. You know.”
“I know. Perhaps you think you’re fooling me? You got the shakes, Pat”
She laughed again. “Dr. Saint Benny! Get him!”
“Pat. That’s out. Pull yourself together. Pat, I’ll help you. We’ll go to town-”
“To hell with you,” she yelled. “Saint Benny the Bastard to the rescue.” Her voice got low and she looked at Benny with her head to one side. “You want to help me? Nice of you. You want to be of service? I’ll tell you how.” She walked around him and got his jacket. Her hand went into the inside pocket and came out closed. “Lifesaver,” she said, and showed him the little white envelope she was holding.
When he tried to explain, she smiled. When he said no, she spat at him from across the room and her language got filthy. Then he charged across the room while she stepped into the bathroom fast and locked the door. He heard the water running and thought of kicking the door down, but stopped himself from doing it. Saint Benny, he thought. How many more days, Saint Benny? How much longer till Alverato comes through and how much more of this?
And when he put his jacket on to wait for her it never occurred to him to destroy the little white envelopes that were still in the pocket.
Chapter Seventeen
They took the highway back to Haute Platte. The top of the car was down because they thought the breeze might help.
“You see, Benny? You needn’t have worried so.” Pat sounded friendly. “It’s not as if I were a user. Wait till we get back to New York, when all this is over. I won’t need any of this any more. Anyway.” She added the word and laughed.
Benny didn’t argue.
They drove to Haute Platte with the sun pouring an early heat over the landscape. The live oaks in the swamps along the road stood limp and immobile. Only the dust moved where the car had passed.
The town was worse than the highway and they drove around looking for a store.
“Once more around,” she said, laughing.
He circled the square again and headed down the main street. “We’ll take this one.” They stopped across from the department store and got out of the car. “Buy something light, Pat. Just a few things for summer. Then, when we get back to New York-”
“You want me to buy something cheap, Benny.” Her eyes had started to look glittery and intense. “I’ll buy something thin and cheap, Benny, something that doesn’t matter much.”
“Why-”
“Something thin and cheap, Benny, that doesn’t matter much and tears easy.” She gave him a new, quick smile and leaned against him. “Wouldn’t you like that, Benny?”
He was puzzled for a moment, thinking that he had missed something. “Wouldn’t I like what?”
“Tear it off, stupid! You would like to tear it off, wouldn’t you?” Her voice was louder now, and insistent.
“Sure, Pat, sure. That’s great. Now come on and let’s get going.”
“Lik
e this, huh, Benny?” She put both hands into the neck of the blouse and started to yank.
He hadn’t meant to shout, but when he said, “Stop,” it came out like a shot. And when he reached for her hands to stop her, Pat jerked back as if stung. “Benny!” There was fright in her voice. “Benny, why did you do that?”
He lowered his hands slowly and stood back. “Easy, baby,” he said. “Take it easy.” For a moment he could see her face working and then suddenly the expression was gone.
“Here’s the store. In you go. Use the elevator?”
“No, over there,” and she dragged him to the place where the escalator climbed diagonally through the ceiling.
She stepped on with a little jump and then skipped on up the moving steps. When Benny got to the next floor she had disappeared. He looked right and left, craning his neck to look over the tops of aisles and clothes racks. Then she laughed. Her laughter caught him from a distance, then it stopped while he tried to find the place from which it came. It came from down below. He saw her bolting up the escalator, coming in long jumps till she stood beside him, breathing hard and laughing. “Surprised, ha? Did you buy me a dress? A cheap one?”
“Slow down, Pat. They’re over here. I haven’t looked at them yet. I was waiting for you.”
She flitted along the racks of clothes, pulling some off the hangers, throwing some of them back. When a saleswoman came Pat had an armful.
“Where can I try these on?” she asked. “It’ll make it so much easier to see just what we want. Benny, doesn’t that make it so much easier?”
“Sure, Pat. Follow the lady.”
When the two women had disappeared, he found a chair where the aisles ended in an oval space and sat down. He took a deep breath and took out his cigarettes, but before he had a chance to light up, Pat came back.
“This?” she said. “Is this the kind you want?”
It fitted her well, a light summer thing with little sleeves and cut deep front and back. He had hardly taken it in when she turned and ran back to the dressing room. “There are more,” she called. “Lots more.”
