by Tracy Bloom
“Of course not,” she exclaimed. “You and your perfect life can push off down south for all I care. About time I got to sit next to someone who screwed up as much as me.”
Truth discovered. She wouldn’t miss him if he wasn’t there. She wouldn’t miss him. The thought was still bouncing around his head when they were interrupted by Diana the receptionist sticking a waste paper bin under his nose.
“Pick one,” she urged.
“What?” he sputtered. Sleep deprivation sure made the weirdest things happen.
“A name,” she said rattling the bin.
“Err, Gordon,” he said.
“No-one who works here is called Gordon and anyway you pick a name out in secret, don’t say it out loud, that ruins it.”
Drew thought he actually might burst into tears. What was happening? He looked at Suzie for some assistance.
“Secret Santa,” she mouthed pointing into the bin at the mound of neatly folded squares that held the name of every employee in the building.
“Oh, I see,” he said relieved there was a logical explanation.
“I hate Secret Santa,” decreed Suzie. “Creates so much waste. You give crap, you receive crap and then it lingers somewhere in a drawer for hundreds of millions of years refusing to go away and decompose.”
“So what did you get last year?” asked Drew.
“Men’s aftershave gift pack,” said Suzie.
“For under a fiver?” exclaimed Drew.
“Precisely,” replied Suzie. “Wrong on so many levels. It would be more useful to take a fiver and flush it down the toilet. Secret Santa should be banned.”
“Look, just pick a name,” said Diane losing patience and rattling the bin again.
Drew and Suzie both dived in and pulled out a piece of paper. Suzie opened hers first and gave deep groan. Drew opened his and stared at it.
“Well at least it’s the last time you’ll probably have to do this,” she said after Diane had moved on to the next desk. “I can’t imagine those swanky nationals do Secret Santa. It’ll be more throw your keys in the pot kind of dos I reckon. So who you got?” she asked.
He carefully folded the piece of paper back up and put it in his pocket.
“It’s a secret,” he said before picking up his briefcase and setting off for the door.
Chapter 19
Drew stared at the orange woman sitting opposite him. He’d thought that after all the weirdness at the office and a few hours’ sleep there was no way his day could get any more bizarre. But as he listened to the woman in the polyester green suit and fake-tan-smeared cream cravat, he wished with all his heart he was back in the relative sanity of the office.
“Now I highly recommend that you do not overlook our Decorative Accessories Department. We have some wonderful items in there that can really add your own sense of personal style to your newly-wed home. And of course, because of the time of year we have some gorgeous festive items. Many of my couples have already chosen our adorable reindeer draught excluders. How much fun would it be to celebrate your first Christmas as newlyweds with Christmas themed draught excluders?” The woman giggled to herself as Drew glanced at Emily who thankfully was also looking somewhat nonplussed.
“Actually,” Emily finally said to the wedding list coordinator who seemed to be going a deeper orange the longer they sat there. “I have already been through your website and I have a list of exactly what we want bar choosing colours on a few things. I also wanted to check that your Egyptian cotton sheets are actually five hundred thread count.”
“Madam,” said the orange lady, running a finger around the inside of her cravat, smearing it with even more fake tan. “I can assure you that I would not be able to sleep at night if I thought that my newlyweds were sleeping in anything less.”
“Good,” said Emily brusquely. “So shall we get started then?” she asked, tapping the folder she had laid out on her knee, containing her neatly-typed wedding gift list.
“If you could just bear with me a few more minutes I can explain where all the departments are. I can’t tell you the amount of times that in the excitement of choosing their wedding gifts some of my couples actually forget table linen entirely,” chuckled orange lady. “And you can’t start married life without table linen, can you?” she said directing her question at Drew.
“Absolutely,” he replied shrinking back in his chair. He looked round the third floor room to see if anyone else was scared of these weird wedding creatures. There were four other couples sitting in cubicles being harassed by women in polyester. Actually, he noticed they didn’t look at all uncomfortable. The women were leaning forward eagerly lapping up every word they were being preached by these gift mercenaries whilst their men friends clutched their hands tightly and grinned inanely.
“There’s no need to tell us where anything is,” Emily told the woman. “I’ve mapped it all out.” She turned to Drew. “I think the most efficient way is for you to take the ground floor. Here’s the list done in order of when you come out of the lift so it should take you no more than half an hour. I’ll do this floor.” She turned back to the woman sitting across the desk. “Now, can we have two scanners please so we can make a start?”
The orange lady looked at Emily with a look of utter confusion. Drew had to admit he felt proud. Stick that up your reindeer draught excluder he thought.
“Well of course if that’s the way you want to do it that’s fine,” she said curtly. “I do find however that most of my couples like to go around together in case they need to make any decisions as they go along. These are your wedding gifts after all. You will be living with them for the rest of your lives.”
“No need,” said Emily standing up. “The decisions have been made; we just want to get on with it. Now give me the scanner,” she said holding her hand out.
She rather begrudgingly handed over the scanners but just as Drew was about to walk away she grabbed his arm.
“Why don’t I come round with you,” she said. “I don’t have another couple in for half an hour. You never know I might help you find something that’s not on your list.”
“No,” said Drew and Emily in unison almost shouting. “Thank you,” said Drew. “I think I can manage.”
Outside the lift Emily handed Drew his list and a pen.
“If there’s anything you can’t find then just mark it with a cross and I’ll come down and choose an alternative. Okay?”
“Super,” smiled Drew. “Choosing wedding presents is the best thing ever.”
“Got to be done Drew,” she said seriously. “Or else we’re going to get a house full of rubbish we can’t chuck away. I’ll come down and find you when I’m finished.” With that she turned and a headed straight for a pillow case stand.
He studied the scanner as he went down in the lift. He pressed the trigger a few times and discovered that if he aimed it at his hand it beamed a red light onto his palm. He then did what any man would do when armed with such an object. He pretended it was a lightsaber swishing it dramatically from one side of the lift to the other until the doors opened just as he was in the middle of slaying the overbearing orange lady.
It didn’t take long for Drew to start feeling really uncomfortable. He was lost in a sea of white porcelain in the dinnerware department. Everywhere he looked glaring white dinner plates bore down on him so pristine and perfect that he felt grubby and out of place. And now with every highly irritating beep of the gruesome scanner he winced as he peered into the tiny display window to look at the price. How could one saucer cost nearly twenty pounds? The most irrelevant item known to man. A plate to hold a cup that already has a handle costing that much – how so? And what in heaven’s name was a “creamer”? He had never heard of such a thing, never mind used one he was sure. So why did he need one of his friends or relatives to spend their hard-earned cash buying him one? What he was also starting to realise was that Emily, for all her immense organizational skills, had completely overlooked the
fact that his family didn’t have this kind of money. In fact he had never known anyone in his family have a wedding list unless you counted his cousin Catrina who got married in a rush and had her list at Mothercare. He knew he would have to talk to Emily. Maybe they could have a list at Argos as well or even no list at all. He looked over to see one of the couples that had been sitting upstairs in a cubicle, study coffee machines. The man reached over and grabbed a small cup and pretended to make his lady an espresso before he handed it over with a flourish saying “For you Mrs. Pemberton to-be.” The girl giggled and gave him a quick peck on the cheek before telling him to put the cup back and concentrate.
That was what was wrong he realised. They shouldn’t be doing this separately. They should be doing this together. Sod efficiency. If this is what you had to do then you might as well enjoy doing it together rather than looking like a moron on your own pointing a stupid stick at a teapot. Pleased that he had spotted an escape route from the torture he scuttled back to the lift and jabbed the button to go up.
It took him some time to find Emily as she was hiding behind a mountain of Teflon and a full-size cardboard cut-out of Jamie Oliver grinning inanely holding what looked like a designer vibrator.
“You getting one of those?” Drew shouted over to Emily pointing at the sleek, moulded item clutched in Jamie’s hand.
Emily glanced over. “Yes. In red hot.”
“Wow,” said Drew with a grin. “I’m beginning to get excited about the wedding list thing now.”
“So have you finished already?” asked Emily getting up off her hands and knees and walking over to him.
“Not quite,” he replied. “To be honest I wasn’t enjoying it on my own. I think maybe orange lady was right. We should do it together seeing as it is our wedding list.”
Emily looked at him for a moment without saying anything. Then she looked at her watch before explaining that was all very well but they had to be quick because she had to leave for a meeting in twenty-five minutes.
“No problem,” he responded. “Tell you what, you read the list out and I’ll scan. My laser control is second to none.”
She looked at him again for a few moments before giving a small sigh and handing over the scanner. She traced her pen down the piece of paper until she found her place.
“OK then. Next is a Pyrex Pyroflam Round Casserole in white, one litre,” read out Emily.
“Excuse me?” asked Drew without moving.
“I said a Pyrex Pyroflam Round Casserole in white, one litre,” she repeated without having to refer back to her list.
Drew didn’t move.
“What’s the matter?” she asked.
“We never eat casserole.”
“So?”
“So why are we asking for a casserole dish?”
“Because we might want to eat casserole one day,” she replied a little shortly.
Drew still didn’t move.
“You’re telling me that we’re asking someone to spend money to buy us a casserole dish just in case one day we wake up and say, “Crikey, I just fancy a casserole. Isn’t it a good job that Auntie Mavis bought us one for our wedding or wouldn’t we be in mess,” said Drew, his voice getting higher and higher.
Emily looked around exasperated.
“Just scan the bloody dish,” she said finally through gritted teeth. “I haven’t got time for this.”
“No,” said Drew.
Emily looked taken aback for a moment before she lunged forward and took the scanner out of Drew’s hand and strode off towards a large stand of cooking dishes.
Drew stood with his mouth open before he shouted after her, “If you scan that casserole …”
Emily turned and paused right next to the stand holding the scanner over a large white dish.
“What?” she said. Please don’t you tell me what I can and can’t scan.”
“If you scan that casserole I’ll …” he repeated.
“You’ll what?” she asked.
Drew stared at her as she looked coolly back at him her face set hard, determined at all costs to complete the task she had planned so meticulously. How had it come to this, he thought, his tiredness sweeping over him once again? What on earth had happened to him that he was standing in a shop with his fiancée arguing over a casserole dish.
“You’ll what?” she asked again.
“I’ll call the wedding off,” he replied quickly, the words jumping out of his mouth before he had time to think properly. He heard the words out loud for the first time. Words that had hovered around his brain for so long but had thus far remained private and unsaid.
“What did you say?” said Emily cutting through his thoughts.
Could he say it out loud again he wondered? The leap between thinking it and saying it had seemed impossibly wide and yet he had done it. Just like that. Emily was advancing towards him now brandishing the scanner like some kind of gladiator’s sword.
“What did you say?” she asked again.
“I’ll call the wedding off,” he whispered not even looking at her, barely aware that she was there, he was so in awe of the sound of those words out in the open.
Emily stopped in her tracks, then burst out laughing shaking her head and focusing her attention back down on her list. “You are hysterical, you know that?” she said. “Tell you what I’ll ditch the casserole and add in an extra milk saucepan instead, how’s that?”
“Milk saucepan?” he asked slowly.
“Yeah, you know, a small pan you boil milk in.”
“Milk for what?”
“Well, like for coffee,” replied Emily. “Look time is running out Drew we have to get on with this.”
“We both take it black,” he said shaking his head.
“Drew, you’re being stupid, can we just get on, please. You’re totally over thinking this. It’s just a wedding list. That’s all.”
“Just a wedding list,” he repeated.
“Yes,” she said taking his hand and putting the scanner firmly back in it. “Just a wedding list.”
“And we’re just getting married,” said Drew.
“Yes,” hissed Emily now completely exasperated. “We’re just getting married. No big deal. Now come on, I’m going to be late at this rate.”
Drew felt on the verge of tears.
“We can’t,” he said.
“Can’t what?” she asked.
“We can’t just get married,” he replied stepping forward and taking her hand.
“Drew, you’re making no sense today. What has got into you?”
“No-one should ever just get married. We’re doing it because it’s the next logical step, because we’ve been together so long why wouldn’t we get married? But we’ve never really stopped to really think about why should we get married?”
“Why should we?” said Emily. “Why should we?” she repeated louder. “You want to know now, why should we get married?”
“Yes. I do,” he said barely whispering.
“Because it works Drew. It’s worked for sixteen years,” she shouted finally losing her temper. “I really don’t understand what the hell you’re asking here. We get on. We allow each other to live our lives the way we want to live them. We support each other, that’s why,” she said. “That’s why we should get married. My God Drew what the hell has been going on with you lately? This is what we have spent our lives together building up to. Look at us, we are the perfect couple. We were meant to be together. There is absolutely no reason why we should not get married.”
Drew bit his lip. The other sentence that had been swirling around in his head for the last few weeks was threatening to make a break for it and he wasn’t sure whether he should let it escape.
“Give me one good reason why we shouldn’t get married?” pressed Emily.
Bollocks. That was it, game over. She had asked him the direct question so there was nothing he could do but let the thought go free.
“I don’t think I love you,�
� he said squeezing her hands tightly as if that might help quell the reaction.
The colour drained from Emily’s face while all her features froze. She said nothing.
“I’m so sorry,” he said.
Still Emily said nothing, just blinked rapidly.
“Aaah, are you having a moment?” came a voice from behind Drew’s shoulder. “Most of my couples get quite emotional once they start selecting the gifts their loved ones will buy them for their special day,” said the orange lady appearing out of no-where. “Is there anything you can’t find? The scale of the task can be quite intimidating.”
Drew searched Emily’s blank face for the first signs of reaction to his confession. She continued to stare at him before she took a sharp intake of breath and appeared to collect herself.
“I’ll be late,” she murmured, bending down to pick up her bag without taking her eyes off him. She turned and walked slowly but steadily to the stairs without looking back. When she finally disappeared Drew sank to the floor and buried his head in his hands allowing the scanner to clatter noisily onto the tiles.
The orange lady bent to pick it up. “I know, it’s exhausting isn’t it,” she said patting him on the back. “I’ll just go and download this and when you’re ready you come up and I’ll have a nice cup of tea waiting for you.”
Drew waited for the clatter of her stilettos to die away before he allowed himself his first sob.
Chapter 20
“And our next caller on the line to Granada Reports this morning is Marion from Alderly Edge. Hello Marion. What would you like to ask Dear Suzie?”
“Hello Andrew, hello Suzie. I just wanted to call and thank Suzie for the marvellous advice she gave me some weeks ago. I’m so grateful. She saved my marriage.”
“That’s brilliant news Marion. Would you mind sharing with us what your problem was?”
“Not at all Andrew. Anything to help other women who might have suffered the same as me. I’d become a golf widow you see. Since my husband had taken early retirement he spent all his time on the golf course and barely had two words to say to me let alone provide for my other needs if you know what I mean?”
