by K. M. Scott
To Janelle, our mother had abandoned us.
And what was the result of that? Janelle had grown up to be exactly what my father wanted in a daughter. Compliant. Shallow. Beautiful on the outside and empty on the inside. But she made a fine trophy for her husband. Just like my father thought women should be.
He’d never been able to convince me to be merely eye-candy for some man. I’d insisted on being someone on my own, much to his disappointment. I wanted to be strong. He wanted me to be like my sister.
Pliable. Easily manipulated by the promise of security and money. Subservient.
He’d been forced to imprison my mother to make her that, and he’d done his best to do the same to me. Maybe that was why he seemed to delight in torturing me. Because I reminded him of her.
The thought of that made me proud. I hoped I could be like her. I envied her strength and her ability to persevere. I only prayed to God I’d be able to now that she was gone.
I changed Cayden’s diaper and sat down in the rocking chair with him in my arms to feed him as my mind went back to the few times I’d had with my mother in the past months. I knew I should cherish them, but all I felt was regret. If only I had told her more often how much I missed her all those years. If only I had said I love you more often.
If only.
Now there were no more chances to say any of those things to her.
Even worse, she would never get the chance to see her grandson grow up. She beamed happiness every minute she spent with him, and he loved her. She talked about what they’d do someday when things were different and she could go wherever she wanted to go. She’d take him to the zoo to see the animals and to the park to push him on the swings.
Those precious moments had been stolen from her when my father took her away the first time, and I had looked forward to Cayden getting to experience what I’d missed. Now he’d miss it too.
I looked down at his angelic face and my heart ached for all the wonderful things he’d never get to enjoy. He had a grandmother who loved him, and now all he had was a grandfather who was a monster.
Finished for the moment, Cayden looked up at me and smiled so innocently. He had no idea what he’d lost. He’d never get to know the woman who’d wanted so much to give him what she hadn’t been able to give me.
It wasn’t fair. None of it was fair. It shouldn’t have been my mother and Michael taken away. It should have been my father.
Never before in my life had I wished my father dead. Not when he announced I couldn’t go to school anymore and forced me to come home. Not when deep down I knew he lied every time he said he was looking for my mother but just couldn’t find her. Not when he caught me with Ryder and sent me away for simply wanting to better myself by going to college. Not even when he forced me to marry a man I barely knew merely because it improved his bottom line.
None of those had made me hate him like I hated him now.
For so long, I’d dreamed of running away from this place so filled with everything in my father’s world. To escape the ugliness that was so much a part of him. But then I found my mother, and for the briefest moment, I didn’t hate living here with him. Having her in my life again made me feel like I could stand being around that world of his.
Without her, all my faith was gone. I couldn’t survive here. Not with him.
And now as I sat hiding in my son’s nursery, afraid at any minute my father might appear and force me to deal with him, I knew what had probably always been the truth.
Either he or I continued to exist. There was no other choice after what he’d done.
* * *
When I opened the door to the bedroom, I saw Ryder waiting for me. “How is our little guy doing this morning?” he asked in that kind voice I knew was his attempt to cheer me up.
I closed the door and sat down on the bed. “He’s fine. I’m going to go back in with him after my shower.”
The news that I didn’t intend on spending most of my day in bed made Ryder’s face light up. He crouched down in front of me and looked up with a genuinely happy expression I hadn’t seen in weeks.
“That’s great, Serena. I know he’s missed you. I’m a poor substitute, I think.”
I cupped my hand against his cheek and smiled. “You know that’s not the truth. You’re a great father, Ryder.”
He leaned against my palm and returned the smile. “I know, but I’m not his mother.”
Looking down into his dark green eyes, I felt incredibly thankful I had such a wonderful man for a husband. Of all the things I’d been blessed with in this world, Ryder was the very best of all of them.
“I haven’t been much of a mother for the past few weeks either. I know it’s been hard dealing with me, but I want to thank you for being so patient. I just hope our son doesn’t remember.”
“All he’s ever going to know is how much his mother loves him. And it wasn’t hard dealing with you. It was just hard seeing you like that. I don’t blame you, though, so if you’re not ready to take care of Cayden yet, he’s still got a father who can handle everything.”
His gaze slowly traveled to my breasts and he smiled. “Well, almost everything.”
Leave it to Ryder to make me giggle when I thought I couldn’t. “You’re silly, but I love you for trying to make me feel better.”
“Nothing silly about it. Nature made women superior in that area.”
I laughed again at how playful he could be, happy to finally have a reason to smile. “I’m happy to be able to feed our son. I just hope I start to feel good enough to do everything else I should be doing. In that area, I haven’t been very superior.”
Ryder slid his hands up my thighs and leaned forward to kiss me. “You’re always superior in that area. I don’t blame you for not being in the mood. You lost someone you loved. You’re supposed to be sad.”
Shaking my head, I took a deep breath in as my emotions began to press on me. “I’m not sad. Not anymore. Now I’m angry.”
He sat back on his haunches and a look of concern came over his face. “Anger is one of the steps toward acceptance. At least that’s what they told me when I lost my parents.”
“It’s not that kind of anger. I accept that my mother is dead. What I don’t accept is that the person responsible for her death still gets to walk around a free man. That I’ll never accept as long as I live.”
Drawing his eyebrows in, Ryder sighed. “I know, Serena. I know it doesn’t seem fair, and it’s not. It’s not fair.”
“I hate him. You know that? Hate him. Even after all he’s done to me, I didn’t hate him. I didn’t understand why he seemed to love to torment me, but I didn’t hate him. Not really. But now, I hate him with every fiber of my being.”
“Serena…”
I cut him off before he tried to make me see how much hating my father could hurt me. I didn’t care. The hate wasn’t going anywhere as long as he and I co-existed in this world.
“Ryder, I know what you’re going to say, but I can’t. I can’t stand to even see him. It’s one of the reasons why I’ve stayed either in here or in Cayden’s room since the funeral. I can’t bear to run into him. I won’t be able to keep the words I want to say from coming out. Hurtful, angry words. Words filled with the hate I feel for him.”
“I know, but I don’t want to see you get bitter because of him. He’ll get his. I promise.”
“I hate the thought of him walking around pretending to be the concerned husband when I know he did it. He had her killed. He had one of his men kill her. And all those friends of his standing around my mother’s open grave as he lied through his teeth about the kind of person she was. He just stood there telling whoever would listen that he had tried to protect her. He’s the one who had her killed. He might as well pulled the trigger and killed her himself.”
Just hearing the words coming out of my mouth made me want to cry. My father had finally gone through with his threat and killed my mother.
Ryder hung his head.
“I should have been more careful. I’m sorry. I don’t know how, but somehow Robert found out where she was. I was so sure I was being careful. Maybe if I moved her, she might still be alive. I should have been more careful.”
I ran my hand over the top of his head and leaned down to kiss him, loving the feel of his soft hair against my lips. “This isn’t your fault, Ryder. I know you did everything you could to protect her and Michael. You didn’t do this. You aren’t to blame. He is.”
“I know, but I can’t help thinking if I’d only moved them he wouldn’t have found her.”
Cradling his head, I tilted it back so he looked at me. “You did everything you could. You saved her that night when Jesse came to kill her. You gave me more time with her.”
His eyes filled with sadness. “I wish I could have saved her this time too so you could have longer with her.”
“I know. You’re not to blame for what happened. He is, and I hate him. I hate him so much that my body hurts sometimes when I think of how much I want him to suffer for what he did. It’s like the hate is coursing through my veins now. I want nothing more than to see him pay for what he’s done.”
“About that…”
His expression morphed into one that looked like he had to break bad news to me. Hesitating, he finally said, “I have something I need to tell you.”
Suddenly, I worried my father had done more than just kill my mother and her son. “What? Did my father do something? Tell me.”
Kneeling in front of me, Ryder cleared his throat. “Do you remember that day of Cayden’s doctor appointment when I didn’t come in and you found me waiting outside?”
I’d expected him to say something terrible, so for a moment my brain scrambled to understand what he was talking about. “Yeah, I guess. His three month checkup, right? Why?”
“I didn’t come in because I got stopped in the parking garage by two men from the FBI. They wanted me to turn on your father. I said I couldn’t, and they didn’t press it any further. But then the night I had to run to the store for diapers, they were there and that time they weren’t willing to just make vague threats about what would happen if I didn’t do what they want. They have something on me they say they’re going to use if I don’t help them get him.”
He’d told me about the horrible things my father had him do when he worked for him, so I knew the FBI could have any number of ways to get Ryder. “What is it they have on you?” I asked, frightened to hear the answer.
Looking down, he avoided my gaze and answered, “What I did to that fighter in West Virginia. Of all the things I’ve done, they say they’re going to use that.”
My heart broke as he spoke the words. “So not only have you been torturing yourself over that every night in your sleep, but now they want to make you pay for that if you don’t turn on my father?”
Ryder lifted himself up so we were face to face. The sadness at what he’d done was etched into his expression. “I never meant to hurt him like that. I’d never hurt another fighter like I hurt him. I’d just wanted to earn enough money to get us away from here, but when it went bad, your father was the only one who could make sure I didn’t go to jail. Now the FBI says they’re going to make sure the authorities in West Virginia make me pay for what I did if I don’t help them get your father.”
He wrapped his arms around me and pressed his cheek to my body. I didn’t blame Ryder for what happened. If my father hadn’t made life here unbearable for me, he never would have wanted to make enough money to get me away from this place. As always, my father stood as the reason another person I loved was miserable.
Robert Erickson had done that one too many times. Now it was his time to suffer.
“Do it then. Help them. Give them what they want.”
Ryder leaned back away from me and sat with his mouth agape and a look of shock on his face. “Do you know what you’re saying? He’ll go away for the rest of his life for what he’s done, Serena. You have no idea what he’s involved with.”
“I know he’s responsible for my mother’s murder. He took her away, and now he has to pay.”
“Can you live with me knowing I did this to him?”
“I can’t live with knowing what he did to her, Ryder.”
He nodded, and I knew what I’d just set into motion. I might not have known all the horrible things my father had done in his life, but I knew enough to be sure if the FBI made a case against him, he’d spend the rest of his life in prison.
Good. His life for the one he took. It wasn’t an equal trade by any means, but it would have to do.
Chapter Sixteen
Ryder
Each person who noticed me as I sat in that out of the way coffee shop made my paranoia ratchet up another notch until by the time I’d sat there for fifteen minutes I was convinced every fucking person was there specifically to spy for Robert. Somewhere in my mind, I knew better since they barely gave me a passing glance before sitting down in their booths with their coffee and doughnuts, but that didn’t change the fact that my nerves were practically frayed to their ends since I’d decided to do what the FBI wanted.
I kept my head down, staring at the red Formica tabletop and my cup of lukewarm coffee I hadn’t drank much of. I felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb sitting there, like I had a big neon sign above my head that flashed I’M HERE WAITING TO MEET WITH THE FBI TO TURN ON MY BOSS.
“Keep your cool, Ryder,” I whispered under my breath as another person walked through the front door. “Don’t let your paranoia get the best of you.”
They were supposed to show up in the parking lot within the next five minutes and I would get in their car to meet with them. I’d repeated the plan a hundred times in my head to convince myself that I wouldn’t be caught and disappear before the night ended, gone from Serena and Cayden forever without even a goodbye. And every time I reminded myself that I was doing this for them.
She deserved to live without the fear that at any time Robert would make me disappear or take Cayden from her. No one should have to go through life like that.
Night after night as I lay in bed too terrified by my nightmares to go back to sleep, I thought about what our life would be like once we were free. Before Cayden came along, I used to have a fantasy of Serena and me going wherever our hearts took us. We could live in the mountains in that cabin I knew like the back of my hand with its grey stone fireplace in the living room where we would sit as I held her in my arms and we enjoyed the peace of being just the two of us finally. We’d talk about what the future might hold for us, all the while loving how we could choose to come and go as we pleased.
Once Cayden was born, that dream of what we’d do after we escaped Robert and the ugliness of his world changed. Gone were the ideas of us traveling wherever we wanted to because we could. A baby made that kind of bohemian life impossible.
But even though the idea of what we’d be changed, the feeling still remained. Now we’d just be three free souls instead of two.
I wanted to give Serena and Cayden that. They deserved it, and if that meant I had to work with the FBI, then the risk was nothing I couldn’t handle.
Except at the moment as I waited to see the agents pull into the parking lot and my mind spun out of control that at any minute I’d be made, I wasn’t handling things all too fucking well. Wiping beads of sweat off my brow even as an old air conditioning unit blew ice cold air out directly toward where I sat, I stared out the plate glass window at the front of the coffee shop and told myself this was going to be all right.
I saw them drive into the lot and park in a spot farthest away from the building. My heart began slamming against my ribcage as I realized this was actually happening. I was going to tell them everything Robert had done. I was going to turn on the man who had called me his adopted son for nearly three years.
The man who had given me a roof over my head and a life better than living in that cinder block room in the warehouse.
The man who had comman
ded his men to beat me senseless because I had done what he should have to Oliver for trying to kill Serena.
The man who would someday give the order to kill me.
I watched the red brake lights on the black sedan flash twice to give me the signal to come out and stood up from the booth. My knees buckled, sending me lurching forward until I caught my balance.
Stay calm. You can do this. You have to do this.
Sure someone would notice me getting into a strange car, I hurried over to the back door and quickly slipped inside. Pressing my back against the seat, I took a deep breath and let it out slowly, happy that at least I had made it this far.
The guy who almost never spoke turned around in the driver seat to look at me. “You okay? We haven’t even gotten to the hard part yet and you look like you’re going to pass out.”
From the first time I saw these two, I didn’t like this guy. Something about his hair and the way it looked like some barber had mowed it like a lawn close to his head to create a flat top made him look like a hard ass. He only spoke to me once before this, but he always seemed to be scowling at me.
I didn’t need his judgment. He could fuck off if that’s what he thought he’d be giving me. I knew what I’d done, and I still wouldn’t be taking any of his opinions on my fucking life.
“I’m fine. Fuck, I’ve gone round after round with behemoths in the ring. I think I can handle sitting at a fucking coffee shop waiting for you two.”
The one who usually did the speaking turned around in the passenger seat and smiled as if he was having a good time. Now that I looked at him, I noticed he had that same asshole hairstyle as his partner, but it didn’t make him seem like the hard ass it did the other guy. Plus, even though he had never been what I’d call friendly, I had a sense he wasn’t judging anyone so much as pulling no punches when he spoke to me.
“You ready?”
Nodding, I took another deep breath in and let it out slowly. I was ready. I didn’t have a choice anymore. I had to be ready.
“Yeah. Let’s do this.”
