I fall to the ground, to the damp earth and lose it. I cry for me, for all of my shitty, shitty goals, for the heartache etched in me at the thought of Ava and Harper disapproving what I’ve done. I cry hard at the words of Daisy’s friends, the ominous ponderings of love, something I can’t quite believe in for myself, but for some reason happens effortlessly for everybody else. I cry for my mother whom I miss because she was an amazing person. I cry for my father whom I miss even though he was a crappy person at times. I cry because I still love him, and I’m not sure what that makes me. I cry for my sister, Jade, whom I have never met and never will.
I miss her.
I miss her so damn much.
Lawson
Saturday night, there’s a mixer at Kappa G. Girls’ territory. Our captains suggested strongly we attend since the Kappa girls have been so kind in populating our keggers. So at about seven o’clock, the majority of us trek on over. Kappa Gamma Gamma is far more spacious, far more hygienically appealing than Beta house any day. It’s also quite loud inside, as bad eighties rock music pounds out of the crappy speakers. The Kappa girls may have invested in nicer furniture than we have, but the Beta boys have a superior sound system.
I give a nervous once-over of the vicinity in search of Lucky. When she left yesterday, I saw that the condom was smeared with blood. It scared the living hell out of me. I haven’t been with that many girls, but I’m pretty sure I’m not supposed to tear them up on the inside. I asked Rush about it—ambiguously to protect her privacy, and he said it could only be one of two things: she was either on her period or she was a virgin.
A virgin. That would kill me. There’s no way Lucky would lie about something like that, or at least I pray not. I thought about texting her last night—seeing if she was okay. Heck, I thought about inviting her out to breakfast, but both options A and B are strictly against the rules when it comes to one-night stands. Lucky wasn’t a one-night stand, though. A dull grin blooms on my lips. I did appreciate the standing. But for the most part, I would have loved to have had her lying down—somewhere private with an entire night to enjoy her properly.
Rush and Eli swoop in. “Let’s call ’em.” Rush knocks back his drink as he nods into the crowd.
“Blonde”—Eli doesn’t waste a moment identifying his potential prey for the evening—“left-hand corner, surrounded by the red sweater society.”
“Redhead for me.” Rush moans as if he’s already on top of her, and knowing him it won’t take long. “I’ve got her in abnormal psych, so this shouldn’t be too hard. It’s easier to land them when you have rapport.”
“What’s this?” Harper comes up dancing sideways and knocks her shoulder into mine. “It’s easier to land them when you have rapport? Wow, you guys are a bunch of cavemen.” She glares at me a moment when she says it.
“Rapport?” Lucky pops up, her lips a shade of candy apple red that I wouldn’t mind licking off. My heart thumps once like the detonating of a bomb once my eyes land on her. Lucky’s hair engulfs her in one dark wave. But it’s what’s going on below the neck that has me struggling to catch my breath. Lucky is a knockout in a tight red dress that ends just below her tight little ass. Her tits peer out at me from her low-cut V as if they demand to look at the person who all but devoured them. I’d do anything for a second chance at what happened back in that dingy laundry room. Just one more bite, lick, taste, feel is all I’m sure I’ll need. I’ve never craved a single girl quite the way I’m craving Lucky.
Harper laughs while turning to her friend. “It’s their MO to get to know a girl before they go in for the—” her face turns as red as a Christmas ornament. “On second thought, I see Justin in the middle of that Kappa pile. I’d best go claim my man.” She takes off like her hair is on fire.
“I get it.” Lucky rocks back on her heels. “You bait them.” She nods over at Rush, and a part of me is relieved that she’s pinning the asshole move on the appropriate asshole. That was never my intention with her. “So, who’s on the menu tonight?”
“That would be Gina.” Rush blinks in the redhead’s direction.
“Regina Feldmen—ah, yes.” Lucky gives a silent laugh. “The nocturnal vamp. Rumor has it she never sleeps, and when she does—well, let’s just say some people still haven’t outgrown wetting their beds.”
“Crap.” Rush hisses. “Thanks for the heads-up. I just had an adjustable bed delivered. I’ll have to get creative with this one.”
“There’s always her place.” Lucky flits her eyes to mine for a moment. It feels odd standing feet apart from her as if we were strangers. It feels odd not having spoken to her in over twenty-four hours after what we experienced. And now here she is, so casual as if nothing happened at all.
“Are you kidding?” Rush balks at the idea of camping out at Kappa G. “Have you met your captains? I’ve been suspended from any further sexual shenanigans per Sharon Ridgefield and that little mishap that involved a small fire—no thanks to that megawatt desk lamp of hers. In my defense, she insisted on tossing a scarf over it.”
“So that was you!” Lucky swats him, clearly impressed with said sexual shenanigans. “The great fire of fall semester!”
Rush nods and flicks his fingers as if egging on her enthusiasm. “I’ll figure it out. I haven’t conquered the Mustang Dome yet. And I happen to know the door leading in from the locker room is open half the time.”
He takes off and Lucky howls, “Go Mustangs!”
“You didn’t suggest the laundry room?” I butt my shoulder into hers, still gauging what our standing might be this evening.
Lucky looks up with those pools of lavender and freezes.
A breath escapes my lungs, and I can’t seem to draw the very next one. Our eyes lock, and neither one of us seems able to look away. The last time we laid eyes on one another we were pieced together in the most intimate way, and yet here in this room filled with hundreds of bodies, a foot between us, it feels just as intimate.
“Why would I suggest the laundry room?” She winces as if daring me to go there, and it takes everything in me to stop from knotting my fingers up in her hair the way I want to—from sealing my lips over hers.
I take a deep breath while racking my brain on how to steer away from falling into an open pit.
“Because that’s where all the best things happen.” I mean that, but from a personal standpoint and considering she’s the only girl I’ve taken down there, it’s saying something far more than I want it to.
“Best things, huh?” A smile curves on her lips. “I bet you’re in need of getting some laundry done right about now, aren’t you?” Her brow hooks high into her forehead, and for the life of me I cannot read this girl.
Is she propositioning me?
“Do you need to do laundry?” I cock my head to the side and hold my breath in anticipation. “Do you want me to do your laundry?” I just went there. God knows I’d like a do-over in that arena. I selfishly took care of my fluffed and folded needs yesterday and left hers hanging out to dry.
“I don’t know if you can handle my laundry.” She widens those powerful eyes like she’s casting a spell. “I’m not in it for a simple spin cycle. I need someone to handle my delicates until they come just right.”
And there it is. Lucky Madden is laying out her sexual grievances, and for whatever reason, this makes me want her ten times more. She didn’t finish. I was greedy and took care of my own needs, and she’s not letting me off the hook. Oddly, I love it.
“Oh, look, there’s Eli.” She gives a little wave his way, but he’s too busy chatting it up with his prospect for the evening. “Maybe he’s up for a little tumble dry later tonight?”
“You’re messing with me.” There. I called her on her bullshit. Someone has to. Lucky thinks life is one big head game. I should know. I’ve driven down the same lane for the past two decades of my life.
“Why would I be messing with you?” A crowd of people muscle by, and Lucky lands pressed to my chest, her
My hand finds its way to her lower back, and I don’t hesitate pressing in.
“Eli’s busy tonight. You’ll have to find someone else to entertain you.”
She wrinkles her nose as if this actually vexed her, and a spear of jealousy runs through me. What the hell was that? I don’t want Lucky to myself, do I? I’m unattached until grad school and beyond, right? My throat grows parched, and I swallow hard.
“Someone like who?” Her hands press against my chest as if she’s about to launch me backward.
And just like that, I give. The tension rod that’s been holding me together since the time my mother left snaps in two, and I can breathe again, first time in years.
“Someone like me.” I take up her hands with mine and interlace our fingers. Lucky’s features elongate with either horror or surprise—I’m hoping it’s the latter. “Let’s get out of here. I want to show you something.”
I weave us out through the tangle of bodies, straight to the front door, down to the sidewalk, and keep heading north at a decent clip until the sounds of the party, the music become dimly muted.
“Are you kidnapping me?” She skips and laughs as if approving of the abduction.
“No, you’re free to leave if you want, but fair warning. You’ll miss one of the best kept secrets on The Row if you do.” We head across the street and in through a forest of pines. It takes a brisk five-minute walk in almost pure darkness until we hit our destination.
“I swear, if you put on a clown mask and start chasing me around this den of horrors, I will go ape on your ass.”
“I love a good threat when it’s from the right girl.” I take a step on the overgrown root of an old oak tree. It’s so gnarled and behemoth it takes up half the forest in girth, width, and height—and amidst its many branches, not too high up, is the ideal spot to sit and nest a while.
I give her a hand, and she takes it.
“Oh my God!” She gasps with what I’m hoping is excitement. “Are we climbing a tree? How did you know this is like my favorite thing to do ever?”
“Because I read minds.” I help Lucky up several feet before catching up to her. “By the way, you have a particularly dirty mind. You should really see about bleaching it out for the sake of your pristine morality.”
“Funny,” she says it flat as if it’s anything but. “You’re the morally bankrupt one, remember?”
“Why is that?” I ask, helping us up another level until we’re high enough to where the fireflies greet us.
Lucky expels a sigh as deep and wide as the ocean. “Dear God, it’s magical.”
“I’m glad you think so. But if you stop staring at my crotch for a moment and look around, you’ll see a bunch of fireflies. They’re pretty cool, too.”
She swats me over the thigh in lieu of a response, and I pull her next to me on a branch as thick as a field bench and wrap an arm around her waist.
“Sorry, sweetheart. I gotta hold you for the duration of this ride. If you get dizzy, don’t look down.”
“I prefer up.” She leans into me and wraps her arms around my chest. “And I volunteer to be your seatbelt, sweetheart. But just know if I take a tumble, I’m taking you with me.”
The breeze picks up and swirls her signature floral scent around the two of us, and I can’t help but dig my face into her neck a moment.
“You smell good. I’ll fall with you anytime.”
She laughs, and her body trembles over mine. “I’m not sure if telling a girl she smells, even if you mean it in a nice way, is ever a good thing.”
“You still my wingman?”
“Wingwoman.”
“How are we doing on our hook-up rate?”
“Misty Richards slept with Tom Hilden. I know Courtney is still dating Don. I think we’re doing pretty good.”
“And don’t forget Emily and Freddy. They’re practically on their way to forever.”
“Half that middle school is on their way to forever no thanks to us.” She holds up her hand, and I connect with a high five. Her entire face lights up with the blush of the moon. “But seriously, we practically groomed Emily and Freddy for their wedding. They’ll have to name their kids after us—little Lawson and little Lucky.”
“Lawson and Lucky,” I repeat. “It has a nice ring to it.” I give her ribs a squeeze without meaning to. Crap. It’s like I’m gunning for her to admit we fit. It’s desperate, and it pisses me off that I’m coming across that way.
“I guess it does.” She glances up at me, the shadow of her lashes elongate over her face. “This place is amazing.” She looks around and a firefly swoops in, and she does her best to catch it. “I bet you bring all the girls here—the kissing tree.”
“I haven’t brought any girl here except for you. And it’s called the tree of secrets. You have to tell the one you’re with your deepest, darkest secret and vice versa. Then make a wish, and it’s bound to come true.”
“Tree of secrets, huh?” She sounds doubtful. Lucky Madden doesn’t seem to believe a word that comes from my lips, and I’m not sure she should. I’ve never fed her any bull, but for some reason, whatever this is between us feels like a cheap impersonation of who we really want to be, who we really are. “I’ll bite. You go first.”
“Okay.” I tip my head back, and the quarter moon seems to spin above my head like a thumbnail. “Back in high school, I had a girlfriend—nine months—her name was Anna. One day, out of the blue, she said she needed space. It hit me pretty hard. I thought we were solid. I had just bought her a bracelet for her birthday, and we had already rounded out all the bases—exchanged the L word like a couple of idiots. Anyway, she cut me loose. Two days later, she was with Sean Culp—biggest dick on the basketball team. My own fucking teammate.” I squeeze my eyes shut for a moment as if trying to expunge the memory I just vomited up unwarranted. I could have told her anything else, a work of fiction, and here I’m pulling the truth straight from the bottom drawer of my mind.
“I’m really sorry, Lawson. That’s terrible.” Her arm cinches tight around me as if consoling me. “But if it makes you feel better, I think she’s a total bitch. In hindsight, she probably did you a favor.”
“You’re right. And it actually gets better. No sooner do I get home from school the day she cut me than my dad announces he’s met the love of his life. For a second I expected to see Anna standing next to him. Thankfully, it was Lynette, his now-wife, but in the back of my mind I thought the worst. My parents didn’t last. Anna and I didn’t last. I didn’t think my dad’s new relationship would last either—I guess the jury is still out on that one. It was around the time my sister, Sabrina, stole Scarlett’s boyfriend, and I had come to the conclusion true love, at least in the romantic sense, was pretty much a joke.”
“Do you still feel that way?” Lucky reaches up and gently scratches the scruffy three-day shadow on my cheek.
The moon kisses her eyes. They illuminate a deep shade of midnight, and like a heartbeat they pulsate all on their own. Lucky Madden has stolen a part of me that I’m afraid I can never get back. I’m not sure I want it back.
“I don’t know if I still feel that way.” I’m confused as hell, and for the life of me, I want an answer from myself. “I don’t want to.” There. That’s as honest as it gets. I want to believe in love and all of its trappings of forever. I think with someone like Lucky this might be a good thing. I wouldn’t have to get worked up over the fact she’s with someone else. She’d be with me. Lucky and I fit. We’re matching ends of a sour stick, and something about that ridiculous thought brings a goofy grin to my face.
“You’re up at bat.” The wind picks up, and I scoot her in closer to me, her body heating against my own to create our own little furnace.
A heavy sigh expels from her chest. “I do have a secret. Nobody knows this—nobody living, anyway.”
My body thunders with the erratic ticking of my heart. A boulder of anxiety lands over my shoulders at the thought of what this might involve, considering people who are aware of it have already crossed the great spiritual divide.
“I had a sister named Jade.”
Had. Right there my heart breaks.
Lucky sniffs into the air before continuing. “She was my twin, and she was born first. She died, and I lived. I don’t know anything else other than that. I don’t know what killed her. I don’t know if we were identical or fraternal. All I know is that my mother confessed this to me when I was five and said it was our secret. She said her name was Jade.”
“I’m so sorry.” I wrap both arms around her and bury a kiss over the top of her head and linger. A swell of tears crops up, and I blink them back. “You’re pretty close with your brother, right?”
“More or less. Someday I’d like to be closer.” She gives my waist a firm squeeze, and something about having her arms wrapped around me makes me feel as if I’m home. I almost want to laugh, but it’s true. There’s something comfortable about Lucky, something that I’ve been craving all along and didn’t realize. “Right now, Jet is trying so hard to protect me, provide for me—he actually has the ability to drown me in his affection. I know for a fact he’d feel the same about Jade if she were here. He would probably blame himself for her death. Jet took on a lot after my dad died, but once we lost our mother, he went into parental overdrive. He sort of became both father and mother. He’s pretty good at it, too.”
“That’s a pretty heavy secret to carry around all on your own,” I whisper the words over her temple and feel the warmth from her skin on my lips.
Lucky looks up, her lips spun like a ribbon. “It’s not so heavy anymore now that I’ve shared it with you.”
A still moment slices by as my eyes lock over hers. Lucky Madden is beautiful, and if I didn’t know better, I’d think that thumping in my chest is the heart she just kick-started.
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