by Joy Eileen
“Yes, that would be perfect. I wouldn’t even know what I was doing.”
D shot me a smile and patted me on the shoulder. “I’ve got you. This will be awesome. It’ll let me use my amazing negotiating skills again.”
“I’m sorry for the way Lissa acted, sis,” Van added, peering out the window toward Lissa’s red sports car.
“It’s not your fault, Mr. Snuggles. I don’t like that she thinks I’m using the band to get ahead in life.”
“Who cares what she thinks?” Jet said. “If she doesn’t start to understand us soon, you’re going to get rid of her, right, Van?”
We glanced at Van. I silently begged he would say yes, and by the look on everyone else’s face, they were hoping the same.
“It’ll be fine. I talked to her and she won’t have any more snide comments,” Van answered, ignoring Jet’s question.
“Where to?” Gunther asked.
“Let’s go celebrate! My girl just got a publishing deal,” Kill yelled, making me smile.
“I have an interested agent,” I amended.
“Who cares? You’re going to be published.” Kill kissed my temple, his pride obvious from the smile on his face.
“Congratulations, Faith. Celebration it is,” Gunther said, pulling out of the parking lot.
“To my little sis. I’m so proud of you.” Van lifted his coffee and nodded toward me.
Happiness, fear, apprehension, and every other emotion flittered through me. Butterfly wings of different feelings brushed against my skin, making it extra sensitive.
“Yay! To our little Faithy.” Jet raised his mug high in the air.
“You’re going to be so famous. Just wait until you see what I have planned for your website,” Amy added, pouring a generous amount of French vanilla creamer in her coffee before raising it.
“Hell yeah. My Slick’s going to be topping best seller charts in no time. The JackholeS family is going to take over the world.” Kill raised his protein drink along with the rest of us.
“Faith, you’re going to knock them dead,” D told me, raising his mug as well.
“To D and Andrea for making the publishing company agree to things I never in a million years would have asked for. You two did an excellent job, and I hope I can make you proud.” A large lump of butterfly emotions filled my throat, altering my voice.
Everyone was in on the celebration, except for Lissa. She sat quietly next to Van, watching our shenanigans. Van nudged her with his ginormous shoulder, dislodging the judgment she had on her face. Lissa raised her mug along with the rest of us and even mustered up a half-hearted smile.
We clinked our glasses together and took a sip. I couldn’t help but sigh as the caffeinated liquid ran down my throat, eager to do its job and wake my system up.
After three weeks of negotiating, my book was set to be published. Skull and Hope were going to be released for the world to read.
During negotiations, drama like I’d never experienced popped up. Andrea, my new agent, had connections with my English teacher at Portland University. She requested a copy of my book prior to calling me. I wanted to be angry, but she reminded me I’d given my teacher permission share it.
My phone fumbled in my hand when Andrea explained my book was already in the editing process. And because of that it would publish the same time the JackholeS’ debut album released.
If that wasn’t nerve-wracking enough, Kill, true to his word, read the first book, and he was now halfway done with the second. Giving him permission to read it ripped my self-esteem apart. My nerves were on high alert whenever he read it around me.
My system was shot. I knew when he read it he would associate every hit and assault to Hope’s body with mine. When he started the first book, he would stare at me with grief in his eyes. I had to threaten to take it away from him when he had trouble sleeping. The dark circles under his eyes made it apparent he was absorbing my pain.
Before I gave him permission to read the second book, I made him promise he would stop connecting me to Hope. I explained I needed to experience my past in order to have my future. My writing was my way of releasing the hold my past had on me. It was now Hope’s burden to bear. With it being published, she would be able to help women in the same situation.
The saddest part about the whole publishing deal was the loss of some of my indie friends. Some of them were still extremely supportive, while others shunned me. Cruel posts about me using my rockstar boyfriend to get ahead punched me in the gut every time I read them. The small taste of fame I was fed was a bitter pill.
After three weeks of intense insanity, my book, Hope’s Journey, was now in the final edits. The editor pushed me to become a better author. There were times during the process I wanted to pull my hair out and scream. Reading her notes shredded my confidence, but in the end, after a lot of fighting and stubborn standoffs, my book was better than I could have imagined.
D and Andrea negotiated as if it was their last business deal. As much as I hated to admit it, Lissa had some fantastic ideas as well. I was now going to embark on a six-month book tour, following the JackholeS’ tour schedule. The two events would promote the other, therefore exceeding the profits and publicity. It was genius.
Kill’s phone rang while we lounged around the kitchen table. Everyone stiffened. I sipped my coffee, and out of the corner of my eye watched the skin around Kill’s eyes wrinkle. The strange phone calls were less frequent, but when they happened, they aged Kill on the spot.
The sound of his chair scrapping against the floor grated on every one of my nerve endings. I wanted to trust him, but being aware he was keeping something from me burned deep in my stomach. His weird behavior was brushed aside because I was so busy trying to get my book ready. Now that the hard part was over, I wasn’t going to let him avoid the phone call conversation any longer.
Chapter 12
Sheer determination allowed my body to remain loose when Kill slid out of bed. Forcing my breath out in slow, measured increments while my heart beat wildly was a testament to my will. I silently begged him that the reason he was getting out of bed was to use the restroom. Or anything else innocent.
That night, I tried to stay awake in order to talk to Kill. The phone calls and the stress were straining. The aches slowed me down and tired me out. I was having a hard time staying awake. It was borderline annoying how exhausted I was all the time.
Kill worried I had developed another ulcer. When he mentioned his concern, I wondered if maybe they were back. In the back of my mind I knew this was different. With him being so preoccupied, I was able to convince him it was just nerves.
Later that night, when Kill climbed into bed, I was sleeping so hard I didn’t feel him. But when his phone beeped, I was instantly awake. Kill shuffled into the bathroom while tears seeped out of the corner of my eyes. Paranoia had me assuming the worst.
When the door opened, so did my eyes. I went to call to him, but the words died on my tongue. Kill was dressed in black jeans and a dark hoodie pulled over his head. The cincher was his boots were on. I wasn’t being paranoid after all.
Kill tiptoed out of the room. If I hadn’t been awake, I wouldn’t have realized there was someone in the room. My heart squeezed, and my stomach turned. It felt like my organs were in some weird trapeze act when the door clicked shut.
After a second of trying to calm down, I threw the covers off and dashed for the closet. I braced myself against the doorframe, lightheaded from the quick movement. My hands grasped for any available clothing. I needed answers.
Tugging a sweater on, I dashed down the stairs. The house was quiet, telling me Kill had already left. Tears blurred my vision as I collapsed on the bottom step, scrambling to come up with a plan.
The jingling of keys next to my ear made me jump. After several blinks, my eyes adjusted to the dark. Jet stood next to me, dangling a set of keys from his finger. He was wearing the mischievous smile I associated him with.
“What took y
ou so long?” He reached out a hand to help me up.
“I don’t even know where he went.” My voice was miserable, and I didn’t bother hiding what I was trying to do.
“Lucky for you, I stole his phone while he was in the bathroom and found out where he’s going.”
Adrenaline shot through my body. Jet jingled the keys in front of my face again.
“Should I be doing this?” I asked, still at war with how I should feel.
“It depends. Do you think you’re going to find him with another girl?”
My head shook before he finished his question. As stupid as it may seem, especially with all the signs pointing to cheating, I knew deep in my heart Kill was being faithful. “No, but he’s keeping something from me. Something from all of us, and I don’t like that he’s dealing with this all on his own.”
“That’s my Faithy. Now come on. Let’s go save our boy from himself.” Jet extended his hand again, and I took it, allowing him to pull me up.
I took comfort when he put his arm around my shoulder and led me to our borrowed vehicle for the night.
After we turned onto the freeway, it dawned on me that Jet may have more information. “Do you know who he’s meeting?”
“No. The number said C on it and there were no other text messages. The only reason I know where he’s going is because he searched for the address in his web history. When I asked him if he wanted to have a movie marathon tonight he said he had something to do later. I figured tonight was going to be the night.”
“Have I told you how amazing you are lately?”
“You don’t have to tell, I know. But I wouldn’t stop you from reminding me.” Jet smiled, but it didn’t make his eyes sparkle like they normally did.
“Faith, I don’t know what we’re going to see, but I promise it’ll be okay.”
I took a deep breath when Jet took an off-ramp and drove to a more rundown part of town. My heart beat rapidly in my chest. I glanced down to check if I could see it through my sternum.
We pulled into a seedy looking bar, and I was slammed right back into the first time I’d pulled up to Ray’s after escaping Jason. At that time I wasn’t sure what to expect, but I was aware I was stepping into a new chapter of my life. As Jet walked next to me toward the door I wondered if I was on the precipice of starting a new chapter tonight.
“Are you ready?” he asked, grasping the door, not making a move to open it.
I didn’t answer him right away. Was I ready to see what Kill was up to? I pictured the dark circles under Kill’s eyes and the strain he’d been carrying around since the phone calls had started. That alone strengthened my reserve. We could handle this, but he needed to know we could only handle it together.
“Let’s do this,” I said, blowing out a haggard breath, pulling my shoulders back.
The noise was damn near deafening when we stepped inside. People tried to compete to be heard over the loud music. Shouts and laughter assaulted my ears while my eyes surveyed the bar in search of Kill.
Jet pulled me to the side, away from the door. We both searched in the sea of people. “Let’s go toward the back,” he yelled.
I nodded, figuring it was useless to answer him over the noise. My hand found Jet’s, and we moved through the rowdy crowd. As soon as we entered the bar all similarities to Ray’s stopped. There was nothing enduring or safe about this bar. The sooner I could get Kill out of here the better.
My attention moved from finding Kill to just walking without falling over the customers. Men dressed in dirty clothing and scantily clad women swarmed all over the high tables. The smell of rancid alcohol made me want to gag the farther we traveled into the bar.
Jet stopped and pointed up ahead of him. My eyes followed the line of sight Jet pointed to, and everything stopped. The blood rushing through my ears drowned out the sound of the drunken chaos around me. No longer did I smell the stale beer and body odor I’d been enveloped in moments before. Every part of my body focused on Kill and the woman he talked to in a dark booth in the corner.
“Faith, are you all right?” Jet asked, squeezing my hand to get my attention. “Do we need to leave?”
Tears threatened to burst in a torrential rain from my eyes. I blinked rapidly and tried to suck in the thick air around me.
Jet stood in front of me, blocking the scene I witnessed. His face was filled with concern and all I could do was wrap my arms around him, hugging him close.
“Tell me what you want to do, and we’ll do it,” he said into my ear.
“I don’t know what I want to do,” I confessed.
I opened my eyes, and through Jet’s thick bushy hair, I watched Kill continue to talk to the woman across from him. His jaw was clenched and through the darkened haze of the bar his dimples were evident. What the hell was he doing with her?
“Don’t let go of my hand,” I told Jet, moving away from him toward the booth Kill occupied.
Jet complied. He squeezed it, silently giving me the courage I didn’t have. It felt like I floated to the table, my body no longer under my control.
We stood at the table, my brain still trying to come to terms with what I was seeing. Jet cleared his throat, making Kill’s head snap up. His eyes went wide when he noticed Jet. When his gaze landed on me all the color in his face leached out.
“I wasn’t expecting to see you,” the voice I never thought I would hear again stabbed my eardrums.
Pain filled Kill’s eyes when our gaze broke and my head turned to her.
“You’re even prettier than in pictures. Now, your man wasn’t supposed to tell you we were meeting.”
“Faith—”
I put my hand up to stop Kill’s words.
“I don’t know why you’re contacting Kill, but I suggest you leave us alone.”
“Now, don’t be like that. I’m your momma.”
Jet tensed next to me, but he didn’t let go of my hand. I surveyed her, and my stomach churned with revulsion. Her dyed black hair was a mess of frizz on her head. Her brown eyes were smudged with makeup that looked as if it had been caked on for weeks. Her pink lipstick was smeared below her thin lips.
I waited to feel something for the woman who had given me life, but nothing came. My body felt numb while my brain turned in confusion. I couldn’t understand why Kill snuck behind my back to meet her.
“You may have given birth to me, but you haven’t been my mom for a long time. The moment you left me and my dad on my fourth birthday you gave up those rights.”
Her glazed eyes wandered over me and Jet. When she noticed our hands were linked, her lips turned into an evil grin. “Maybe the tabloids had it wrong. It looks like you’ve been replaced, lover boy.” She laughed, coating her front teeth with more lipstick when her lips skimmed over them.
“Claudette, you need to stop,” Kill warned.
My hand clamped down on Jet’s. And the stupid world began to swim in and out of focus. Kill stood and handed me the bottle of water in front of him. When he noticed my death grip on Jet’s hand, he took the lid off for me.
With all the resolve I could scrape together, I took a sip and refused to allow my hand to shake. The mask I hadn’t worn in months slid into place. My fake smile inched up my cheeks.
This woman tore my heart apart when I was younger. She was the reason my dad cried into his pillow when he thought I was asleep. The nasty worn-down face had haunted me for years, ingraining abandonment issues I was just now getting over. Martha’s face when she encouraged me to call her mom popped into my head. That thought alone stiffened my spine and I locked onto Claudette.
Kill let out a ragged breath next to me. Jet smirked broadly. They’d been around me long enough to know I wasn’t going to let her get to me. My mind may have gone into panic mode the moment I saw her, but my resolve was back.
Seeing her now and how pitiful she looked sipping her drink and smiling like she won something, I was able to put everything that mattered into focus. And she wasn’t one of
them.
I let go of Jet’s hand and gripped the side of the table, leaning in so she could hear every word I said. This was the last amount of energy I was ever going to waste on her for the rest of my life.
“Whatever you think you were going to get, you won’t,” I hissed.
Her eyes darted to an envelope next to her. Her hand reached out to grab it, but I was faster. She cried out when I gripped the envelope and cracked it open. More money than I had the time to count resided inside. All the holes that may have allowed her to fit back in were sealed.
“You’re pathetic,” I spat out, handing Jet the money.
“That’s my money. Me and the kid had a deal,” she screeched, trying to slide out of the booth.
I placed my hand on her boney shoulder. She was a shell of the woman who tore my family apart. “I don’t care what kind of deal you had. Let me tell you what’s going to happen. You’re going to leave me and my family the fuck alone. If you even think about anyone I love, you’ll regret it more than any other bad decision you’ve ever made. From the looks of you, you’ve made plenty. I don’t know if you remember, but my father was on the police force. I’m positive we can find something on you to get you thrown in jail.”
“You fucking ungrateful little bitch,” she screamed, making a couple patrons glance over at us.
Kill’s warmth hit my back, anger radiating off him.
“See, that’s where you’re wrong. I’m glad you left when you did. I had the best childhood with my dad. I now have a wonderful mom who cares about me, and a family that would do anything, even deal with your nasty ass, to protect me. Now fuck off and never, I mean never, show your face around me again.”
I snatched the envelope out of Jet’s hand and threw two hundred dollar bills at her. “That’s all you’ll ever get from me or my family again. Try and do something productive with your life. It isn’t too late, and wipe the lipstick off your teeth. You look fucking ridiculous.”
I stuffed the envelope in my hoodie pocket and marched out of the bar, Jet and Kill right on my heels. A weight lifted off my shoulders I hadn’t even known I was carrying. My body floated out of the bar with a sense of serenity wrapped around me. It wasn’t until the night air hit my face that I realized I was crying.
