by Anne Bone
‘Oh, you know, that young bloke who was working up on Hillside Farm.’ He had succeeded in getting Beth’s full attention. She turned, her mouth open now, listening intently as Fred continued, ‘You know, the one who was responsible for the wee one.’ He nodded towards the high chair where Stevie was finishing the last of his milk.
‘You mean Marty.’ She felt her breath coming in short gasps.
‘Come to think of it, it looked like it was him. Now you could take a bit of a walk up to the farm this morning if you wanted to check it out. ‘Bout time that young man paid for his lad’s keep.’ Fred was now warming to the story and quite able to keep it up without the least hesitation. ‘Best leave the bairns here though, just until you check it out. I’ll keep an eye to them this morn’.’
Beth turned and peered at her father, a gambit of emotions racing through her mind. He looked like he was really genuine in his suggestion. What did that mean? Then it came to her, of course he wanted her to see if she could get some money from Marty. That was if it really was him. Could he have really come back and not sought her out? Whatever, she took what her father said and addressed him across the room. ‘Will you really? I could just pop up and see, I wouldna be long. I could be there and back in about half an hour.’
Beth then found her thoughts were totally caught up thinking about her lover. Marty. It would be so wonderful to see him again, to look into his eyes, to tell him about Stevie. The more she thought about it the more she believed that he would be there and, if he was, her father’s need to fleece someone for money would be the reason he had told her about him.
She rushed through the rest of the dishes, then dressed Stevie and put him into the playpen which had been erected a few weeks before. This ensured that he would keep out of everyone’s feet and help him maintain some of the cleanliness she was eager to preserve. It also meant that she could keep him safe. She felt she couldn’t trust her mother, and was constant in her watch to ensure Stevie didn’t stray into the reach of his grandmother’s hand. She piled his toys into the centre of the playpen, rubbed his head telling him to be good, finishing with a peck on his lovely fluffy head. She checked Lucy who was fast asleep and not due her next feed for a couple of hours, she could be there and back in plenty of time.
Just before she left she went into the bathroom and washed her face, and removed the elastic band which kept her long hair tied in a bunch down her back. She then brushed her long blonde hair until it shone. Squirting a little spray of precious perfume behind her ears, she left the house. She moved quickly along the back of the house to the track which would take her along the back of the fields, and lead her to the pathway along the side of the burn, before she reached the pathway to Hillside Farm.
Fred watched her walk. He waited until she was just about out of sight when he executed the plan. First he placed the carrycot with a sleeping Lucy in the back of the van and then carried Stevie also placing him in the back of the van, telling him to be a good lad and sit himself down while they went for a ride. Stevie, unused to being taken out by his grandfather, was quiet and did as he was bid.
It did not take Beth long to discover that Marty had not returned to Hillside Farm. She had met Mrs Bellows in the farmyard and she had been told that they had not heard from or seen Marty since he left two summers ago. When Beth said her father had thought he had spotted him, Mrs Bellows was surprised. ‘Not sure who your dad thought he saw,’ she told the disappointed young woman, ‘we don’t have anyone extra working here just now.’
Beth refused Mrs Bellows’ invitation to join her for a fly cup and a piece. No, she needed to get back to the children who would, without a doubt, be missing her.
Beth began walking briskly and soon her steps broke into a run. Something was wrong. She had this awful feeling in the pit of her stomach that there was something wrong.
She burst through the kitchen door and ran first to the playpen to see if Stevie was ok. It was empty. She turned to the corner where the carry cot had sat on its wheels. The wheels stood empty the cot gone. Beth felt hot and dizzy.
She turned to Doris who was snoozing in her armchair. ‘Where are the bairns?’ she asked, first in a calm voice. Doris opened one eye and peered at her.
‘Where are my bairns?’ she asked again, her voice raised and tense.
‘Your Da took them out,’ came the reply.
‘Where? Where has Da taken them?’ She felt her heart beating much faster than it should, she was hot, she felt the sweat run down the back of her neck. Her scalp felt as though it had a million pin pricks running across it. ‘Oh my God, where has he taken them?’
Beth ran out of the house and looked around her. She ran down the track towards the road. It was when she was at the end of the track she realised she did not know which way to go. What if he had just taken them somewhere for a few minutes and he was on the way back? Yes, that would be it; he had suddenly had to go out and would never have left them with her mother. Yes, she convinced herself this would be what had happened, she needed to be at home when he returned with them.
She marched back along the track towards the croft, telling herself not to worry, it would be ok. She tried hard to control her breathing and pulled a rag out of her pocket to wipe the sweat that had run down the side of her face. She repeated her thoughts to herself. Da probably forgot he had to be somewhere and would not have left the bairns with her mother. Yes, that’s what would have happened; he just would have had to take them with him. She tried to calm herself, repeating over and over to herself that soon they would be back. After all, she consoled herself, even her father would not allow any harm to come to the bairns.
It was about half an hour later when she heard the battered old van make its way along the pot-holed track. She rushed out to the yard to meet it. When Fred drew up he turned off the engine and got himself out of the driver’s seat. It was the way he looked at her that instantly she knew that the bairns were not with him.
‘Where are they?’ she whispered this first. Then louder, ‘Where are they?’ He at first avoided eye contact. ‘Where are my bairns, what have you done with my bairns?’ The last came in a howling scream.
‘It’s for the best lass. You would want the best for your bairns, I know you would. It’s for the best.’ With this statement ringing in her ears, he marched into the kitchen.
She ran after him, her face as white as snow, and her voice shaking and cracking with fear. ‘What do you mean, for the best? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY BAIRNS? TELL ME. PLEASE?’ she pleaded.
‘Now just you sit down lass.’ He pushed her towards one of the pine kitchen chairs. She needed no push as she slumped into the chair. Her hands were shaking and she thought she might just be sick.
Fred sat across the table from her, he could hardly look at her. ‘Now lass, there is this lovely couple who are desperate to adopt bairns, and they can offer the little ones such a wonderful life. They will have everything they ever want. Now lass you couldna give them much, you know you couldn’t, it’s all sorted, they’ve gone to live with them.’
‘What do you mean? Who has got them? They can’t just take them, their mine, and they are my wee barins. They need me, I’m their ma.’ As she said the words tears ran down her cheeks. She couldn’t see and brushed them away. ‘Da, tell me this is not happening.’
Fred puffed his chest out, took a deep breath and glanced at her, ‘Now you just stop it my girl, haven’t you brought enough trouble to this door? How do you think you are going to provide for them? They need a ma and a da, and you can’t provide that can you?’ He watched her disintegrate before his eyes and this spurred him to go on. ‘And young lady, to just mind, you are supposed to want the best for your precious bairns, how are you going to feed and clothe them? You can’t expect me to do it. It was only time before the authorities arrived at our door and took them away, this way at least you know they are together and will be brought up proper like.’ Without any further ado he pushed his way passed her and left the kitchen, making
his way outside.
Beth could not believe her ears. She just managed to stagger into the bathroom before she vomited. She fell to her knees, tears falling into the pot to follow what remained of her breakfast. She did not know what to do. ‘Oh my God, my bairns, my bairns,’ was all she could cry.
She did not know how long she knelt hanging over the toilet, it seemed like a long time. She was shivering and her whole body was trembling and shaking. She knew she had nothing left her in stomach to bring up. She tried to stand up and felt sure her legs had turned to rubber and were not going to support her. They felt wobbly and woolly. Slowly, step by step, she managed to get to the bottom of the stairs and then, on her hands and knees, began to crawl up them and into her bedroom.
On her bed lay Stevie’s pajamas. She grabbed them to her as fresh spasm of tears flowed from her swollen puffy eyes. She lay down on the bed, hugging the small items to her. Smelling the wonderful baby smell of them… Stevie’s smell. My bairn, my beautiful bairn. Where had they been taken to? The deep wrenching gut emptiness overwhelmed her. They were gone. It felt like her head was actually going to explode, there was just this loud booming noise. She could hear this crying, this keening, this sound of an animal wailing, she didn’t know that these were the sounds that were emanating from her own mouth. The blackness surrounded her, the air tasted foul. She was in Hell.
It was Jason who was responsible for keeping his sister alive over the next few days and weeks. He did not know what to do. He could not get her to say anything; it was as though she was sort of in a deep trance. For the first few days she just lay on her back in her bed staring at the ceiling. He propped her up and made her drink the water from the glass. Then he made her sit up and sip the soup from the spoon as he fed her, she opened her mouth at his command, it was just as though she was a baby herself. He washed her face now and again, but when he tried to brush her tangled hair she started wailing, so he stopped. He was not sure whether it was the tugs of the brush that had hurt her or whether the wail came from some deep sore within her.
Jason and his brothers had asked what had happened to the bairns, but it was only Jason who was really interested. They were told that they had gone to be adopted, to parents who would be able to provide for all of their needs. Their sister was a young woman and she would be able to have more bairns, she would get over it and then get on with her own life. The boys were reminded to keep their mouths shut; this was Menzie business and no one else’s.
Jason did not think his sister would get over it. He did not believe for an instant that she had wanted to get a new life. When she did manage to get up after much shouting by their mother that she was needed to do the housework, she moved around the house in a zombie-like state. She almost appeared to becoming as unkempt as her mother. Occasionally, she would sit at the kitchen table, place her head in her hands and howl as a wounded animal. When she did this everyone would vacate the house, the sound was so awful to hear.
At night, Jason was the only member of the household to venture into his sister’s room to stroke her face when he was awoken by her screams. The nightmares were incredibly vivid and she would awake screaming, sweat pouring from her body. She would then lie sobbing as she realised that she had awoken into the reality of a waking nightmare.
Days turned to weeks and there was little improvement in Beth. Miss Hall had called one Wednesday afternoon to see how the children were faring; she had been a bit concerned that Beth had not brought them to the clinic. Fred had told the health visitor that the bairns had gone to stay with a distant relative who had no children. They were going to give them a good upbringing. He became a little evasive when asked for their forwarding address. They were just in between moves he told her, and would contact them as soon as they were settled. Fred just hoped the nosey bitch would leave it at that, but, oh no, she wanted to see Beth.
He went upstairs and told his daughter to get up and come down stairs to see the health visitor. He bent forward and spoke quickly into her ear. ‘Remember now, you agreed to the bairns being taken care of, I told her they’re distant relatives just to make sure she wouldn’t go nosing about.’ He stopped and then his tone changed to become more menacing. ‘And just you remember, it will be you who will be in trouble for selling your body and getting yourself into trouble.’
Beth had followed her father back down the stairs into the kitchen where Miss Hall sat at the kitchen table. Jane Hall was concerned when she saw the state of Beth. She had lost weight and appeared unkempt and spoke in a quiet flat tone. Beth told her that the children were better off being cared for by this couple of distant relatives. Yes, she had agreed to them going. She repeated what her father had told her to say. She could do nothing else, it was her fault, and she had allowed it to happen she told herself.
Beth tried hard to control herself. What she really wanted to do was to fling herself into the arms of this woman who looked so unconvinced and sad. She wanted to scream, cry and sob, to plead for this woman to go and search and find her bairns. She did not do so, because she knew she had sold her body, had accepted those notes from Roger. She had been such a bad woman, her children would be better off without her.
Jane Hall had left Cairn View Croft that day with a very heavy heart. She had immediately gone back to the surgery to seek out Dr Merriden, to tell him what had taken place. He had made her a cup of tea, and they had sat to ponder over what she had been told. Maybe the children would be better off being cared for by this couple, whoever they were, better than being brought up as a Menzie, living from hand to mouth, children of an unmarried mother. Yes, sad that it may be, perhaps it would be best after all.
Chapter 11
The living nightmare continued for Beth. As the weeks turned into months, it got no better. It could even be worse, although she was not sure how that could be. Her father would shout at her and tell her to pull herself together. Stop moping about, she was told. Her mother ignored her as she did with everyone else. Now, even Beth sometimes joined her in the opposite armchair as they both stared zombie like at the TV watching rubbish programmes that would have previously irritated and bored her.
She would never fail to notice how many things jolted her pain. Watching the old black and white television would sometimes trigger another wave of emotional torment. A small baby would appear in a programme, a toddler would smile at the camera. Each time Beth could not help but replace this image with one of her bairns. Where are they now? What do they look like? Is Stevie’s hair long now, have his new parents cut his curls? Is Lucy eating solids? What does she look like? These were questions which would torment her soul and she knew there would not be answers.
The worst question she could think of, and one which she would bury her head into her hands when she thought of it, would be, do they cry for me? Do they know that it hadn’t been me who had sent them away?
Oh God, she told herself, she must be such a bad person. Of course she was, she was bad, bad, and she was being punished for taking that money from Roger. She was being punished for loving Marty. She was being punished and the children were better off without her.
It was those thoughts which would build and build until she began to think that the world would be better off without her. If it had not been for Jason’s watchfulness then she may have succeeded in ridding the world of her presence.
It had been he who had followed her that dark stormy November night. She had not noticed him or heard him shouting her name, as the wind carried his words in the opposite direction. He had had to almost run to keep up with her pace; she kept in front of him, seeming to be totally focused on something, although he had no idea of what.
When they came to the banks of the Don it was in full flood. The dark, fast flowing waters, gushed and pounded their way towards the North Sea in the east. He suddenly realised why she was so focused, and just as she leapt from the bank into the darkness he grabbed her loose coat. She fell into the freezing cold water, with Jason following her; he continued t
o hang on clutching tightly to the thin material.
They were dragged down stream. He was screaming at her to hang on. He was a strong swimmer, thanking God for all of the times he and his brothers had swum in this river when they should have been at school. Then his prayers were answered because there, in front of them, blocking their way along the river, was a large tree trunk which had been felled by the storm.
With his spare arm he made a grab for it. His other hand still firmly held his sister; he was not convinced that she was still breathing. He pulled with all of his strength to get her alongside him where he threw both of her arms onto the trunk of the tree.
Pulling her inch by inch, he managed to get her to the bank and, with all of the strength he had left in his arms, he struggled to drag her up out of the water. He did not know if she was still alive. He bent to listen to her. She coughed, thank Christ for that.
Somehow, he got her home, half dragging and staggering. Even Doris was roused to life when they fell into the kitchen. Jason shouted at them to fill a bath of hot water. They had had an accident, he told his family.
A bath was run and Beth’s wet clothes were unceremoniously removed from her by her brother, who by this time had taken his clothes off too. He did not care what anyone thought, they both needed to get warm and quickly. He ordered her to get into the hot steaming water, which she did without argument. Jason got in at the other end and allowed the hot water to seep into his freezing cold body.
