When he opened the door Dennis stood there, his face flushed as if he’d been running, his brow wrinkled, mouth turned down in a frown. “I can’t do this, Will,” Dennis said without preface. “I just can’t do it.”
Will, tempted to simply close the door and go back to his work, instead waved Dennis in. “Can’t do what?” he asked reflexively, thinking, Don’t ask, because he’ll only want to tell you and then you’re stuck.
“This. The work. The Academy. Any of it.” Dennis’s words gushed out of him like water from a broken pipe.
“Calm down, Dennis. Have a seat.” Will closed the door and ushered Dennis to the couch. He put his hands on Dennis’s shoulders and pushed his friend down, then pulled up the chair he’d been using at the computer, turned it around, and straddled the back of it, facing Dennis. “What’s the problem?”
“I am so far behind,” Dennis said. “I’m so stuck, and I just can’t seem to understand anything anymore. I can’t catch up with anything. I can’t grasp whatever it is we’re supposed to be learning, and the more I try the more I worry that I’m not getting it. And if I don’t get it, then I don’t belong here.”
“Can’t argue with that,” Will said with a smile, hoping to cajole Dennis back into making some kind of sense. “But it’s probably not as bad as you think. You’re just getting nervous.”
Dennis shook his head vigorously. “I’m beyond nervous, Will. Nervous was months ago. I’m way past that. I’m into terrified now. Petrified.”
“You need to relax, that’s all,” Will said. “When was the last time you went out and had some fun?”
“There’s no time for fun, Will,” Dennis insisted, shaking his head again. “I need to work every waking hour or I’m just not going to make it. And I can’t do that, because there are classes, and then if I forget to eat, then I get weak, and…”
Will found himself saddened and appalled at the same time. “Dennis, you’ve got to eat. You’ve got to take care of yourself. You can’t possibly keep up with the work if you’re not in your best physical condition. You can’t skip meals.”
“I have to, Will,” Dennis said. “It’s easy for you—”
“No it’s not.”
“Easier, then. For you and the others. For Estresor Fil, the course work is a breeze. Even Felicia. But for me, I don’t know, it just doesn’t sink in. This stuff doesn’t come naturally. My dad’s a farmer, you know? Maybe I’ve got dirt in my veins.”
“You have blood, same as everyone else,” Will replied. Then, remembering some of the more alien types around, he amended himself. “Well, nearly everyone.”
“It doesn’t seem like I have much in common with anyone,” Dennis continued. Will didn’t think he was even listening anymore, just venting. “It’s so much harder for me than for anyone else. There’s so much of it that I just don’t get. I wish I did—I want to serve. I want to be out there, you know, exploring new worlds. I have so much curiosity about the galaxy—”
“Then you have what you need,” Will interrupted, his own work forgotten for now. “You can pick up the rest. You have the drive, the courage, the desire, Dennis. The learning and experience can be taught, but the things you have, that’ll make you an asset to Starfleet, are the things that can’t be taught. If you didn’t have those I’d agree that you’re a hopeless case, but you do.”
“You think I do. I used to think so. Now I’m not so sure.”
Will threw up his hands. “I don’t know what you want, Dennis.” He rose and paced around the room. “You want me to tell you that you’re doomed? That you should just drop out now? Because I’d be lying if I did that. I don’t believe that.”
Dennis’s gaze followed Will as he walked, his face crestfallen. “I’m sorry, Will. I shouldn’t even have bothered you.” He glanced at the computer. “I know you’re busy too.”
“You’re my friend, Dennis,” Will said. “There’s no such thing as too busy for a friend.”
“Thanks, Will.”
“So is there any way I can help you?”
“Well, that’s the thing,” Dennis said. “I was hoping you could tutor me.”
“Tutor?” Will echoed. His first thought was just how time-intensive that would be, if Dennis was really as far behind as he claimed. “I don’t know if I’m the best guy for that.”
“You’re the only one I’d even ask, Will,” Dennis implored. “You’re my best friend here. You know me better than anyone, and you have a knack for explaining complicated stuff in ways that makes it all seem so simple.”
“But—”
“I know it’d take a lot of your time, Will. Too much, probably, to catch me up. You could tutor somebody smart in no time at all, but I’m a losing proposition.”
“That’s not what I said,” Will objected.
“I know. And I do have one other idea. Something that’d take less of your time. It’d hardly put you out at all.”
“What’s that?”
“You could let me cheat off you,” Dennis said.
Will didn’t even know how to answer that. Never mind that it was impractical. It could be done, he supposed, for some courses, though it’d be tricky and would require quite a bit of advance work. But it was so clearly unethical….
Dennis watched him like a dog waiting for a scrap of food from the dinner table.
“Dennis, that’s…”
“I know it’s a lot to ask, Will. Believe me, I know it is. I wouldn’t if I had any other choice. I’m going to fail, Will. I’ve never failed before, really, not at anything important. But I will this time, I just know it. And I don’t know how to handle that. I don’t know how to deal with it.” He paused and angled his head toward the floor. “I’m afraid.”
Will would have liked to have made a snap decision, which he knew would be the right one. He felt like he owed Dennis a bit more consideration, though. They had been through a lot together. In large ways and small, Dennis had helped him get through the rigors of Starfleet Academy. Turning down a friend who had done all that for him just didn’t seem right.
But neither did the alternatives. Giving Dennis the kind of tutoring help he was asking for would mean sacrificing most of his own study time. Instead of finishing near the top of his class, and countering those bad early grades with strong late ones, he’d be lucky to pass everything. He would squeak by, but his record would not be nearly as impressive as he’d hoped, and it might actually affect his starship posting.
And helping Dennis cheat would be even worse. Starfleet stressed fairness and honesty, and cheating was neither. It ran against everything Starfleet stood for. And that was only a problem if they didn’t get caught. If they did, they’d both be booted out of the Academy, and any chance of ever serving in Starfleet would vanish. Will didn’t know what he’d do then. Go back to Alaska? Remain a civilian like his old man? Eventually marry, then abandon his family later in life to pursue a dream he’d abandoned years before?
No, it didn’t take much thought to dismiss the idea of cheating. But the tutoring thing, now, that was harder. Because that made a certain amount of sense, at least from Dennis’s perspective. Tutoring could actually help Dennis master the material. He would come out of the Academy more educated and a better asset to Starfleet. He would get passing grades, instead of flunking out. There was no downside.
For Dennis, that was. For Will, the downside was the time it would require. Way too much of it, he knew. If Dennis was as bad off as he said—and Will was pretty sure he wasn’t entirely exaggerating his position—then he would need massive amounts of work. Will could probably do it, but only at the expense of his own grades and his own future.
This was a situation, Will knew, in which there was no way to win. There were only bad options, and the problem he faced was, which option was the least bad of the bunch? He resented Dennis more than a little for even putting him in this position, though he understood that Dennis would not have done it if he’d seen any other way out.
As he
paced around the room thinking about these things, he knew Dennis was watching him again. He looked out the bay window at the San Francisco skyline, a million lights glittering against the darkness, like the starry skies he yearned to travel. What he did, the decision he made in these next few moments, could determine whether or not he ever traveled those spaceways.
“Here’s the deal,” he said at last, turning back to Dennis. “I’ll tutor you.” Dennis broke into a grin, but Will cut him off before he could express gratitude, knowing that his good cheer would only last a moment. “But I can only afford the time to offer you very limited tutoring. I can help out in the classes that we’re in together, because helping you understand those will help me get a better grasp of the material. But for the others, for the older work…I don’t know, maybe you can try Estresor Fil or something. I just…Dennis, I really can’t spare the time. Not without killing my own chances.”
Dennis’s smile had vanished as quickly as it appeared. “I know, Will. Believe me. I’m so sorry I had to even ask you.” Will thought that would be the end of it, and was relieved that Dennis was taking the news with such good grace. But then Dennis dropped the anvil. “But I’m begging you, Will, to reconsider. Limited tutoring won’t help me. I’m too lost. I need major help. Or I need to cheat. I can get this stuff, I’m just not as smart as everyone else and I need more time, a lot more. Cheating is wrong, I know that. But it’ll buy me time to really understand everything. That’s what I need.”
“Dennis, don’t ask me for that,” Will said sadly. “I can’t. I just…I can’t.”
Dennis stared at him with eyes that had gone cold. Will was surprised. It was like looking at someone he didn’t even know. “You could, Will,” he said, his voice glacial. “If you wanted to. To help a friend, you could.”
“What?” Will said, astonished at Dennis’s sudden sea change. “You’re saying I’m not your friend because I won’t help you cheat?”
“I’m just saying that if you really considered me a friend, you’d help me in some way.”
“I offered to tutor you—”
“In a very limited way,” Dennis reminded him. “An hour here, an hour there. And at the end of it, you feel good about yourself and I flunk out anyway. No, thanks. If you don’t care to offer some real help, then I guess we know what this friendship is.”
“What?” Will asked him, still bewildered by this turn.
“A lie,” Dennis said. “Nothing but a lie.” He lurched to his feet and stomped across Will’s room, headed for the door. “Thanks for nothing, Will,” he said. He let himself out.
In stunned silence, Will watched him go. Maybe it’s the stress, he told himself. It’s making Dennis act in ways he wouldn’t ordinarily. He’ll come back and apologize in a few minutes. Or tomorrow, first thing, he’ll feel so bad he’ll beg me to forgive him.
But even as those thoughts bounced around in his head, Will knew that he was probably wrong. The hateful look in Dennis’s eyes, at the end, the set of his jaw…maybe this Dennis was the real Dennis, and the one Will had thought he’d known was the imposter. Maybe Dennis Haynes was someone who would befriend you as long as he thought you could help him, and then cut you off as soon as you were no longer useful. He didn’t want to believe that, but he knew that it was possible. The way Dennis had glared at him brought that home.
Taking his place at the computer again, Will realized that he had probably lost a friend, for good.
But on the bright side, it gave him that much more time to study.
Chapter 27
The next day dawned clear and warm over San Francisco. This was the kind of day that, before the advent of climate control technology, had been so rare here that it brought the residents outside in droves. Even now, when everyone knew that the weather could be manipulated to a large extent, there was something about such a lovely late spring day that people were tempted to skip their responsibilities and lounge about in the sun.
Will Riker was not one of those people. He appreciated nice weather as much as anyone—growing up in Alaska made one particularly appreciative of warm, sunny days—but at this point in his Academy career nothing could tempt him away from the tasks he had set for himself. He had lunch with Felicia, and their concession to the weather was to eat at an outside table. The table was in a kind of alcove sheltered by a stand of bamboo which rustled in the gentle breeze, with a winding brook on the other side. Felicia had told him that this was one of her favorite spots on campus.
Over lunch, he recounted Dennis’s visit to his room the night before. As he told the story he saw her face darken with anger, until he regretted having brought it up at all.
“Will!” she exploded when he finished. “He’s your friend! I can’t believe you treated him like that!”
Will shrugged. “What was I supposed to do, Felicia? Throw away my own career for his? Cheat for him? How would that help?”
“You could have helped him out in some way,” she insisted.
“I offered. He didn’t want it. It was everything or nothing, as far as he was concerned.”
“Still…”
“Are you going to tutor him?” Will asked.
“He hasn’t asked me to.”
“But he might. What if he does? And you could always volunteer, you know. Are you willing to spend hours every day helping him catch up?”
“Maybe it won’t really take that long,” she said. “Maybe he’s exaggerating the situation.”
“Maybe,” Will admitted. “But I don’t think so. It seems like he knows what his own position is, and it’s pretty precarious.”
“Even so,” Felicia said, anger still simmering in her voice and body language, “you ought to do what you can to help him out. Friendships are important, Will. Relationships are important. You can’t just turn a friend away like that.”
“Felicia,” Will said, feeling suddenly helpless. “I told you, I offered to do what I could. It just wasn’t as much as Dennis wanted.”
She nodded. “And then, instead of negotiating something in between, you just let him walk out the door. Have you seen him today?”
“No,” Will replied.
“Don’t you think you should find him? Make sure he’s okay?”
“If you had seen him last night, Felicia…he turned into an iceberg, like our entire friendship rested on that one question, and when I said no, then it was just over. I don’t feel like it’s my place to track him down. If he wants to find me and apologize, he knows where I live.”
Felicia had folded her arms across her chest and looked toward where the brook cut through a sward of grassy lawn, instead of at Will. “You disappoint me, Will,” she said. “Truly.” She rose, then, and walked away from the table, leaving Will with the remains of their lunch. “I guess I’ll talk to you later,” she called back as she left.
Will genuinely didn’t know what he was supposed to say to that. Hadn’t he made the best offer he could to Dennis? Didn’t he need to keep his priorities straight in order to graduate with the best grades he could? He cleaned up the lunch mess, checked the time, and headed toward his next class.
Professor Knudsen was, Will believed, one of the best lecturers he’d had during his time at the Academy. She paced the front of the room as she talked, a slight, blonde figure in tailored civilian clothes, speaking with a heavy Scandinavian accent, stopping from time to time to accentuate a point with a jabbing finger or a fist punching the palm of her other hand. She knew her material, which was the history of the Federation’s first contacts with alien races, inside and out, and never needed notes when she lectured. Normally Will took pleasure in watching her. Her utter command of the subject matter was inspiring and she made it seem important and valuable.
But today he couldn’t even focus on what she was saying. He kept running through his conversation with Dennis in his head, and the argument with Felicia that it had precipitated. She hadn’t come right out and called him a jerk, but her tone of voice and the way she’d
carried herself had done that job for her. He couldn’t think of anything he might have done differently, that was the problem. He couldn’t accede to Dennis’s demands; they were unreasonable. They would put his own standing in jeopardy, maybe even threaten his whole career. It just didn’t make sense to take a chance like that for anybody.
And then Felicia’s response had seemed out of proportion as well. It wasn’t as if his relationship with Dennis would necessarily affect her. She knew Dennis too, they were friendly. But if Will’s friendship with Dennis had come to an abrupt end, why did that have to change her own association with Dennis? It didn’t—she was just blowing things up for no reason. Maybe she was upset not because her connection with Dennis was impaired but because her own impression of Will had been challenged. Not that her impression had always been a favorable one.
He shook his head and tried to concentrate on what Professor Knudsen was talking about.
He was aware of his lack of focus, and hoped that this particular lecture would be one he could afford to miss most of. But that pointed to a larger problem: Even without agreeing to Dennis’s ridiculous demands, his own academic work was being affected. Dennis, and now Felicia, were threatening his career simply by being part of his life and having expectations that he couldn’t necessarily live up to. If this sort of thing—disagreements with friends and lovers—could draw his mind away from one of his favorite lecturers, then it was dangerous. He couldn’t afford to let his concentration lapse. His priority had to be getting the highest grades he possibly could and doing his best work in these remaining few weeks. As hard as it was now, when finals hit it would be harder still. He needed to be mentally and psychologically available for himself at that point, ready to take on whatever academic challenges were thrown at him.
His decision made, he tried to tune in Professor Knudsen.
He found Felicia after his last class of the day, in her room. Estresor Fil was in there with her, studying, but when she saw the look on Will’s face—Will wondered just how bad he must look—she quickly gathered her things and excused herself. Felicia regarded Will with a blank expression. Pointedly, she did not get up to hug or kiss him. Will sat down in the chair that Estresor Fil had just vacated.
Deny Thy Father Page 25
