by Anne Hampson
The next time she opened her eyes she was in the hospital at Loutras. The door of her private ward was open; voices reached her from just outside.
‘Sister Reeves is here, they tell me.’ Lydia’s voice. She must have just arrived, so it was about noon, thought Shani.
‘Yes; the roads were cleared, so she came down by ambulance this morning.’
‘Have I heard aright, Andreas? I’m sure I heard two of the nurses talking about a child?’
‘She’s lost the child, unfortunately.’
‘Unfortunately! I should think she’s very glad. How disgusting! - but I always thought she was like that—’ ‘Shani,’ came the softly-spoken interruption, ‘is my wife. The child was mine.’
‘Your—!’ Silence. Andreas glanced into the room. ‘Your wife!’
‘Yes, Lydia, my wife. And now, if you’ll excuse me, I must go to her. She’s coming round.’
Andreas closed the door and came slowly towards the bed. Shani felt his cool hand on her brow before, drawing up a chair, he sat down, his face tired, but not grey and haggard as on the last time she had seen it.
‘How do you feel now?’ The doctor ... the bedside manner.
‘Much better. The pain’s gone.’ An awkward little pause and then, ‘Thank you, Andreas. You saved my life, I think.’ She made a movement, half turning into the pillow. ‘I didn’t mean those awful things I said up there. Forgive me.’
‘There’s nothing to forgive, my darling. You were very ill indeed for some hours after the operation—’ A shudder passed through him, but he was smiling when he added, ‘You’re going to make good progress now, though; we’ll have you up in no time.’ His voice was low, and infinitely tender. He took her hand, hesitating as if half afraid to ask the question that hovered on his lips. But presently he did ask it, and strangely enough his tones were edged with confidence.
‘You love me, Shani?’
‘Yes, Andreas, I love you.’ Her eyes sought his. “You guessed?’
‘I thought I guessed some time ago - during that little outburst of yours in the theatre. I could have sworn you were jealous of Lydia, but you shattered my
illusions when you answered my question about Brian. Why did you lie, Shani?’
‘I was afraid - terribly afraid that you might suspect I was having a baby. I didn't want you to take it from me - share it, I mean. It wouldn't be good for the child to grow up with divided loyalties.’ Her glance fell to his Watch. A quarter to one. What day was it? She was just about to ask how she came to be found, but Andreas was already speaking.
‘And so you allowed me to believe you still loved Brian.’ He shook his head, half in censure, half in sadness. ‘Why, my darling, didn’t you have the courage to tell me?’
My darling. ... For the second time. And that look
of tenderness in his eyes ---- Shani’s heart swelled with
a new joy in spite of her loss. She explained to him, and his face shadowed with remorse.
‘It was pride - stupid pride that made me say I’d lost interest. I was so bitterly disillusioned, believing you agreed with Brian’s threats, believing you still preferred him, after our wonderful holiday on Cos. But if only you’d told me about the baby. Why didn’t you?’ he asked again.
‘I thought you’d offer me the alternative of living with you, just for the sake of the child—’ She looked at him, her eyes moist. ‘I couldn’t have done that, not loving you the way I did. And I thought that if I refused to live with you you’d
insist on taking the child
- for part of the time.’ A tear escaped on to her cheek. ‘You were so emphatic about having lost interest, and — and s-saying you n-never wanted to see me again. I really believed you meant it - believed I’d discovered my own feelings too late.’
‘Don’t cry, my little love. Are you tired? Do you want to rest?’ She shook her head and he bent to kiss her. Then he dried her tears. ‘It was very wrong of me to say that,’ he admitted regretfully. ‘But I believed at that time that I’d come to the end of my endurance. I felt I never wanted to see you again, because only in that way could I begin to forget. But I knew I’d never be able to forget you and so even though I’d uttered those cruel words I kept on trying, endeavouring to make you jealous. Sure I’d at last succeeded, I made an effort to talk to you, on the occasion of your farewell party, but I had no opportunity-- ’
‘I thought you wanted to tell me something,’ she interrupted. ‘Oh, Andreas, why didn’t you?’ Had he spoken then their child would not have been lost. But naturally Shani kept this sad thought to herself.
‘There were too many people about. We’d talk the following day, I thought, but was called away to Nicosia. On returning earlier than I expected, I sent for you. Matron said you were out and no one knew where you’d gone. Matron thought you must have left early because the last time she saw you was when she asked you to put some reports on my desk. I wasn’t worried until I suddenly missed the key.’ His hand caressed hers and he paused a moment in thought. ‘There was only one reason why you should go up to the villa, and that was to get your bracelet. My feelings were very mixed then, Shani. I felt this must mean you cared, but on the other hand I was terribly worried at the thought of your going up to Troodos alone, with the weather as it was. Then I learned that the buses had stopped running and decided to drive up to the villa—’
‘In that snowstorm? Oh, Andreas.... ’
‘I thought to find nothing worse than your being
stranded there, without food, but—’ He broke off, unable to continue for a while. ‘Little did I know what I was to find. You weren’t at the villa, and I was afraid
- afraid for the first time in my life. By some miracle I saw you in the headlights, there by the tree that had saved your life - it had halted your fall—’ Again he broke off, little beads of perspiration standing out on his forehead as he became lost in memory. ‘You could have been buried by snow, but again the tree saved you, providing shelter. I got you to Monikomo ... and there received another shock.’ He looked sadly at her.
‘I had to operate, Shani dear. You do understand?’ Filled with remorse at the memory of those words she uttered on first regaining consciousness, Shani felt the tears prick her eyes again. What must he have gone through - her own husband, operating only because there was no one else available - fighting for her life as he had so often fought to save the lives of others?
‘You’ll never forget what I said,’ she cried in anguish. ‘You can’t — not as long as you live!’
Tenderly he kissed away her fears.
‘I’ve forgotten already. You were very ill, and didn’t know what you were saying.’
How gentle he was! Not at all like the monster he appeared to be on the night she had fled from him, nor the man who more recently had frightened her by his savage, possessive demonstration.
‘I’ve been foolish, from the very beginning, Andreas,’ she whispered. ‘I now wish with all my heart I’d stayed.’
‘It was my fault. I began all wrongly. But I meant to be so gentle with you,’ he added quickly. ‘So loving that you would automatically learn of my feelings for
you. And having learned of them, I knew you’d be kind and stay with me - even though you didn’t love me.’ ‘That was what you meant when you said that if I stayed with you one night I’d stay forever. I understand it now... but then--’
‘You were so young, my love — and I didn’t make allowances. I should have done, as I once told you. I should have understood, being a doctor.’
They sat in silence for a while and then Shani said, ‘Andreas... I didn’t agree with what Brian did.
I n fact, I’d no idea of his intentions. I’d already decided to break with him before he - he threatened you. I knew, after the holiday, that I could never marry Brian, even though at that time I was so confused about my feelings for you. But I soon knew, Andreas, truly, and after that I was so excited about the baby—’
‘You didn’
t resent what I did?’ he interrupted, eyeing her curiously.
She shook her head.
‘No, because I think I must already have known that it was you I wanted - not consciously, but it was there, all the same.’
‘And you came to tell me - that day I said I never wanted to see you again?’ She nodded, anxious to pass that off, but he added, his eyes dark with contrition, ‘To think that I would hurt you - when all I wanted was to love you, and care for you.’ He paused a moment, reflectively, and then uttered a deep sigh. ‘As I said, darling, I kept on trying. At Sister Glover’s party that evening, I felt convinced you were jealous of Lydia, and so I'm afraid I paid her rather more attention than usual—’
‘You paid her attention before then,’ Shani couldn’t help reminding him. ‘I was jealous, just as you thought, but long before Sister Glover’s party - although I didn’t know it myself. She was always at your house, and you were so nice to her that day in the theatre,’ she went on plaintively, unaware of the hint of amusement that touched her husband’s lips. ‘You told me off shockingly, and then even suggested I apologize to her!’
‘That was to make you jealous, and it failed utterly -my being nice to her, I mean. And I’m sorry I told you off, sweetheart. You may have your revenge later.’ She laughed then, but went on to say that it did seem as if he cared for Lydia. ‘No, darling, it was nothing like that. She was doing work for me - on my typewriter, so she came to my home. I dined at her house because I found her parents charming. On the day of the wedding she asked me to take her and I agreed because it would have been churlish to refuse, my having no one else in the car.’ He smiled tenderly at her. ‘No, Shani, it was always you, from the moment you ran into my arms and looked up at me with those beautiful eyes. I loved you on sight - and would have told your father there and then, but I felt he would laugh because Greek men have a reputation for - well, desiring rather than loving.’
That hesitation. She would have care and -consideration. But Shani now knew he had been going to say ‘care and love’.
‘My father fell in love with Mother on sight,’ she told him, her fingers curling tenderly round his. ‘He used to say it would be the same with me. Andreas,’ she added regretfully, repeating what she had already said, ‘I’ve been very foolish, right from the start.’
‘No. I was selfish, I know that now. It was brought home to me the night you ran from me. I realized then that I must let you grow up - have some girlhood before settling down to marriage. I would set about finding you later, when you were more mature.’ He stopped, and suddenly he looked very young, and not at all like the austere doctor whom everyone held in awe. ‘I came here with the intention of courting you, just as English girls like to be courted. That’s why I took the post for a year, being based here, but of course on call to other hospitals. But you immediately asked for your freedom so that you could marry someone else. I was shattered, for the idea of your finding someone else had never occurred to me -which was pompous, I suppose—’
‘No, Andreas. You naturally concluded I would remain on my own because you yourself never thought of having anyone else.’ She drew her hand from his and turned away. ‘You make me feel awful!’
Andreas took possession of her hand again; he also brought her face round, forcing her to look at him.
‘You’re not to blame for anything Shani.’ She would have spoken, but his lips were on hers, tender and warm.
‘I suppose I should have told you, when we were so happy on Cos, that I loved you,’ he murmured at last, ‘That would have saved us both a lot of heartache.’
‘But you didn’t because of Brian. You thought I still cared for him.’ Shani still considered she was the one to blame. She should have known, when her husband bestowed on her such care and tenderness, that it must be love he felt for her, and not merely desire, as she had from the first concluded. That holiday had been an opportunity for her to discover the real Andreas - and she had not taken advantage of it. Presently she said, on a reflective note, ‘At one time I had the impression you were plotting something—’
‘Plotting something?’
‘I felt you’d find a way of preventing the annulment
- even if my lawyer was right, and it could have been obtained by me.’ Another hesitation. ‘Had you—? What I mean is ...’ She could not frame her question, and Andreas came to her aid.
‘You wondered if I intended, from the first, to make an annulment impossible?’ She nodded and he went on, ‘The idea did come early, but as I said, that was not the way I wanted it to be. I hoped you would come to me willingly. However, after those threats I did decide to put an end to those ideas of a break-up of our marriage.’ He looked stern all at once and her lips trembled. Her husband was quick to notice, and to understand. ‘You’re tired, my love. It’s a long rest for you now.’ Putting her arm under the covers, he then pulled them up to her chin. ‘Will you sleep, or must I give you something?’
‘I’ll sleep,’ she returned happily and, after examining his face, ‘You, darling, have you slept at all since last night? It was only last night it happened?’
‘Last night? We wouldn’t have brought you down this morning if it had happened only last night.’ She had been unconscious for twenty-four hours, he went on to tell her, and after that she had been under drugs. ‘I didn’t really want to bring you down yet, but the weather forecast helped me decide. More heavy falls of snow are expected on Troodos and the road could be impassable for weeks.’ ‘You’ve had a long, anxious time,’ she whispered huskily after dwelling for a moment on his words. ‘I’ll -I’ll m-make it up to you, Andreas.’
‘You already have - by loving me.’ His deep voice was oddly humble, and edged with gratitude. ‘Bless you, darling.’ He bent and kissed her, almost reverently. And when he straightened up she asked,
‘When will I be out of bed?’
‘Very soon. We’ll have a wonderful Christmas together.’
‘What’s Cos like at this time?’
‘You’re not doing any travelling, my sweet.’
‘Perhaps January?’ She peeped up at him from under her lashes. ‘After all, you did say it would be a wonderful place for a honeymoon.’
‘There’ll be no honeymoon until your doctor allows it.’ She swallowed hard. How could she ever have been so convinced that his only interest in her was desire?
Spring had come to the lovely island of Cos when they stood together on the heights of the Asclepion. Shani’s cheeks were flushed with health, her hair windswept, her eyes sparkling. From all around came the scent of flowers; graceful cypresses swayed in the breeze, and the sun shone down from a cloudless Aegean sky. Adoring eyes were lifted to her husband’s face. Smiling, he took her hand and raised it to his lips.
