by J N Duncan
Tillie had told her, during their talk about her nightmares, that the less she worried about it, thought about it, and stressed over it, the sooner she would feel capable and want to try again. Problem with that, of course, was that every time she was alone with Nick doing anything—filling up the car with gas, having a beer, or helping him clean the damn kitchen after cooking her a meal—the thought was lingering there in the background. Jackie figured it would get to the point where her wants overcame her nerves. She hoped.
Also on her mind was her Christmas present idea for Laurel. She didn’t know how it would work or if Laurel would even want it, but it was the best thing she could think of doing for her and something Laurel deserved, which made it an ideal gift. By any normal standards of gift giving, however, it was an absurd present. When she ran the idea by Cynthia a week before Christmas Eve, when it was only them in the office, Cynthia started bawling.
“Oh, Mother of us all! That’s the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard,” she had cried out and jumped out of her chair to hug Jackie. “You have to do it. You have to!”
“It’s not weird?” Jackie wondered. “I mean, it’s me, not her.”
She shook her head. “Won’t matter one bit.” Cynthia plucked a Kleenex out of the box on her desk and dabbed at her eyes. “That’s the best gift ever. It’ll only ... will you be able to tune things out if you want?”
Jackie shrugged. “I can, for the most part.”
“But what if—”
“Yeah, I know. That might be awkward,” Jackie said.
“Hmm.” Cynthia rubbed at her chin in thought for a moment. “Next time Laurel is with you, we should work on that. I can help you work on blocking it all out. You need to learn how anyway, in case something like what happened before happens again.”
“Yeah?” Not that she hoped anything like being filled with ghosts would happen again, but it would likely be good to get better at handling these problems before they occurred again. “Thanks, Cyn.”
“Hey, we’re a team. We work together and all that stuff.” She smiled at Jackie. “So, how about Nick? Any plans yet for Christmas?”
“Not really,” she replied. “Still working on it.”
Cynthia waved Jackie off. “Not to worry. You’ve still got a whole week to figure it out.”
Jackie offered a feeble smile. It might as well have been a month or a year for all the great ideas she had not come up with so far.
The days leading up to Christmas Eve were thankfully occupied for Jackie. She decided to do a little prep work for the new year, and continued to sort, classify, and eliminate leads from the FBI files. Cynthia spent the afternoons with her and Laurel working on blocking out, which became easier each day, but regardless of how much effort she put into it, she could not completely block out Laurel’s presence. The best she could get was a barely audible murmur, but it was a far cry better than the difficulties she had handling the girls in her head from before.
Shelby had a tree put up in the reception area of the office, and stocked it full of presents, which they took the Friday before Christmas to open, while drinking rum eggnog and listening to classic carols. It was odd, but it kind of felt like family, or as close to one as Jackie was likely to get. She left for the weekend feeling warm, full, and humming Sinatra. When was the last time she had felt good enough to hum a song? Shelby was rubbing off on her.
Saturday was an FBI office party that Jackie felt a little weird attending, but it was wonderful to see everyone, even with the difficulty explaining what she had been doing with her time away. Thankfully, most everyone there wanted to keep the conversations as far away from work as possible. Toward the end of it, Tillie pulled Jackie aside and handed her a small, wrapped gift.
“It’s just a little something,” she said. “I saw it while I was shopping the other day and thought of you.”
Jackie took the small box. “Tillie, I didn’t get you anything.”
“Not expected or needed, dear,” she replied. “I just wish you a pleasant and wonderful Christmas, and hope the best for you.”
She smiled. “Thank you. You didn’t really need to get me anything.”
“Only people I care about,” she said. “Now, go on, open it.”
The wrapping was crisp and pristine, white with gold embossed little wreaths, and done up with thin, gold ribbon, flowered up into little curlicues on top. Jackie could hardly bear to open the box. “It’s so perfectly wrapped. Did you do this?”
She grinned, cheeks rosy from the evening’s drinks. “Hidden talent.”
Jackie chuckled. The woman could probably do anything perfectly if she set her mind to it. Trying to be careful, she pulled the ribbon off and tried not to tear the paper while Tillie huffed at her impatiently. Inside was a black, velvet jewelry box. Inside, Jackie found a simple, carved crystal hung from a silvery chain.
Tillie laid a hand upon Jackie’s arm. “Now, I know you don’t really wear jewelry, dear, but I was hoping you might reconsider. This is an amethyst; it’s a stone of protection, healing dreams, and transformation. I thought it might suit you. And, I had it strung from a platinum chain, for strength of course.”
Laurel drifted over and gasped. “Blessed Mother. Tillie got you an amulet of protection! Oh, that sweet woman. Hug her for me.”
She gave Laurel a sidelong glance but thanked Tillie and hugged her, whose embrace was soft and warm, and Jackie felt a rather large lump in her throat she had to swallow down. Six months ago, she would have scoffed at such a gift and stuffed it in a drawer somewhere out of sight and out of mind. Now? Who the hell knew? It just might give her some added protection and healing dreams, and God knew she needed them.
“It’s just what I needed, I think,” she said, hoping not to sound choked-up. “You want to put it on?”
She held up the necklace to her, and Tillie took it. “Gladly, dear.” She stepped around and strung it around Jackie’s neck, clipping it behind. “Wear it well, and I pray it works for you.”
Jackie took a deep breath and let it out slowly to keep the tears from spilling over. “Me too. Thank you, Tillie. It means a lot, really.”
“Such a wonderful woman,” Laurel said. “Wish her Merry Christmas for me.”
She did, and whether it was because Tillie’s gift had made her feel so good or if it was the amulet itself, Jackie slept peacefully that night for the first time in weeks.
The day of Christmas Eve, Jackie was a bundle of nerves. She had to turn down a quiet dinner with Nick so she could deal with Laurel’s present, but without telling them why, her decision had annoyed them both. Other than telling Laurel the present was personal, she was not going to give either of them the satisfaction of ruining the surprise, even if it ended up being a bad idea. It was a gift Jackie felt she had to give regardless of whether it was accepted or not. Laurel deserved no less.
By the time dinner came around, Jackie downed the first glass of wine within five minutes. She nearly dropped the glass because her palms were so damp.
“Babe, what’s the deal?” Shelby asked, standing before her after setting a dish of candied yams on the table. “You blow off Christmas Eve dinner with Nick to bring Laur and me a present, and you show up without a gift in hand, and you’re more jittery than a seventeen-year-old on prom night.”
Jackie grabbed the bottle of wine off the table and poured herself another glass. She laughed nervously. “Yeah, I know. The present is ... um, special, and I don’t know if you two will want it or think it’s just a crazy-stupid idea or something.”
The perfectly plucked eyebrows arched with curiosity. “Really.” Shelby pulled out one of the dining room chairs and sat down. “OK, then, let’s get this out of the way so we can enjoy our dinner, because having you like this all evening will drive me bananas. Laur? Oh, there you are.” She had come out from the kitchen at the sound of their conversation.
“I’m here,” she replied. “So, what’s the big surprise, hon? I’ve been excited all week, and Cynt
hia has been a total ass taunting us with it.”
“I even threatened to take her presents away, but she refused,” Shelby said. “Bitch would not crack one bit, so this must be good.”
Jackie smiled and took another large gulp of wine. She held the glass with both hands to keep it from shaking. One would have thought after all of the shit she had been through that something like this would be cake.
“Laur,” she said, “you’ve been my best friend for almost ten years, and I can’t say that, during that time, I was as good a friend for you as you have been for me.”
“Oh, nonsense,” she said. “That’s—”
“Stop,” Jackie said. “It’s true. I’ll admit it. Hell, I was probably a downright bitch half the time, too self-absorbed in my own shit to care about the person who has been there for me through everything, good and bad. I never really realized until you were, you know, gone, what you meant to my life, how you kept me sane and whole. Without you, I’d have been kicked out of the FBI a long time ago.”
“You’re too good an agent to—”
“Let me finish,” Jackie interrupted again. “I owe you more than anything in this world.” She wiped at the tears pooling up. “And I never really had a chance to give you what you deserved.” The tears began to fall, and she finally gave up trying to keep them at bay. “Hell. I knew this would happen.”
Shelby leaned forward and grabbed Jackie’s hand. “Babe, it’s all good.”
She shook her head. “No, not really. My best friend is dead. I couldn’t save you Laur, and I have to live with that every day for the rest of my life. But,” she said, sniffling, and Shelby handed her a napkin from the table, “thanks. I do have one thing I can give you though, the only thing I actually have to give you.”
“What’s that, sweetie?” Laurel asked, kneeling down beside Jackie, her cool hands closing in and around Jackie’s.
She gave them a feeble smile. “Me.”
“What?” They said in unison.
“My present,” Jackie said. “It’s me. Laur, you can have me for tonight, so you can be with Shel for Christmas.”
“You ... really?” Laurel said, flabbergasted.
“Holy, fucking hell,” Shelby cried out, clapping her hands together with a loud pop that made Jackie jump.
“If it’s too weird or inappropriate—”
Shelby leaned forward and grabbed Jackie’s face with both hands and kissed her hard. “That’s an amazing gift, babe, and I don’t give a shit if it’s weird or inappropriate, because I’d give just about anything to have a real night with this beautiful woman right here.”
“Hon, are you sure?” Laurel asked.
Jackie nodded. “Thought about it for a while. It’s what I want, if you’d like to.”
She looked at Shelby and laughed. “More than anything. Oh. Oh! You sneak. This is why you were practicing blocking with Cynthia.”
She laughed. “Yes. I figured I might not want to be aware of everything that went on.”
Her eyes got wide. “So, you’re saying you don’t care if, you know, we actually sleep together?”
Jackie let out her pent up breath. This was going to work. “We have to be at Nick’s by ten for brunch and presents and whatever else there is. I’ll need to run home first, so I need my body back by eight. That gives you about fourteen hours to do whatever you want to do.”
“Really?”
“Yes, really,” Jackie replied. “Just leave me in one piece, that’s all I ask.”
They all laughed at that, and then Shelby got to her feet. “Well let’s eat first, so we can get this show on the road.” She was bouncing on the balls of her feet. “Oh, my God, I’m so excited. Jackie, you’re the best.”
Laurel’s cold lips brushed her cheek. “I love you, hon. It’s the best Christmas present in the world.”
Jackie beamed. That was all she needed to hear. Christmas was officially all good now.
Morning came around, and Jackie returned to a sleepy, worn-out body. On the plus side, she had already showered. Twice. She had been able to block out most of the night’s events, but when things became too intense, which seemed to happen on a fairly regular basis, it was impossible to block out everything. Shelby did things Jackie had never thought of before, and Laurel savored every moment of it. Jackie just wished she had not cried so much. If she could have sex half that good, she would feel pretty damn good about herself. Good tears or not, it stung to know how much Laurel had missed out on because she had been stuck with her.
She left around eight, was kissed good-bye perhaps a bit too appreciatively by Shelby, and left Laurel with her while they basked in the glow of their first real night together. Walking out to her car, Jackie felt stiffness in muscles she didn’t realize could be stiff. It was worth every last painful twinge though.
Jackie arrived at Nick’s a few minutes after ten, but Shelby had not arrived yet. He greeted her with a kiss and a smile, taking the three gifts she had held in her hands. “Merry Christmas to you. How was your evening with Shel and Laurel?”
“It was good,” she said quickly, hoping he would leave it at that. “I think my gift went over rather well.”
“Excellent. Shel and Cyn are on their way,” he said. “I’m just finishing up brunch so we can eat when they arrive.”
“OK. Can I help with anything?”
“Nope. Just a couple things to do. Coffee?”
She smiled. “Make it mud, please.”
“You’ll be able to stand a spoon in it,” he replied and headed for the kitchen.
“And Merry Christmas, Nick,” she added. “You all have made it the best Christmas I’ve ever had.”
He stopped and stepped back over to her. “You deserve no less.” His kiss this time was deeper and longer lasting. “And we still have all day to make it better.”
And it was better than she could have hoped for. A Christmas Story marathon ran on the television in the background under threat of death from Shelby, who insisted it was the best holiday movie of all time. Brunch left Jackie so full she could barely move, with eggs Benedict, waffles, raspberry puffs, fresh fruit with homemade whipped cream, all washed down with coffee and mimosas.
Flopped on the couch with Nick and a coffee, watching Shelby hand out gifts, Jackie felt rather happy for the first time in a long while. The alien death, guilt, and self-doubt were all successfully pushed into the background, for at least a little while, and damn it all if she was not going to enjoy it while it lasted.
When they were all settled in, Shelby held up the card, which was all she had received from Nick. “A card, Nick? This doesn’t count as a present.”
“Why not?” he asked. “You need it put in wrapping paper?”
“And a box, with ribbons and a bow,” she added. “You suck.”
Still, when she opened it, she gasped and grinned. “A year-long pass to Four Seasons Spa? Jesus Christ, Nick. How much? Oh, never mind. This is awesome. Thank you.”
Cynthia had the same gift, which would allow them to go together. Jackie found that she had a similar card in hers as well. Shelby took immediate offense.
“You got her the same gift as us? What’s wrong with you—”
“She hasn’t even opened it up yet,” Nick said. “You don’t know what it is.”
“Well, you wouldn’t tell me, so I can only guess it is.”
“Telling you is like sharing a secret with the whole world,” Nick replied. “You can’t handle it.”
Shelby huffed. “Bullshit. I can too. Fine. Open it already, Jackie. Let’s see what Mister Boring got for you.”
Jackie opened up the envelope, curious now, since it was apparent that she had received something else, not that the spa would bother her. She had not minded her trip there at all. Inside was what looked like a postcard, with the picture of a showroom piano on the front. “Ooh, that’s pretty,” she said. “I wouldn’t mind having one ...” Jackie turned the card over, where a simple, Merry Christmas, Jackie was wr
itten in large script. Below it, it read, Scheduled for delivery, December 29th, 2 PM.
“Well?” Shelby said, impatiently. “What is it?”
“A piano,” Jackie said. “Wow, Nick. This is a Steinway, isn’t it?”
“It is,” Nick said. “You’ll really notice the difference over the one you have now.”
Shelby snatched the card from her hand and looked it over. “Well, I guess you’re excused on this one, babe. That’s lovely.”
God. It was a twenty-thousand-dollar piano, easy. It sure put her present to shame, not that Nick needed a new piano or much of anything else for that matter. “I don’t even know what to say, Nick. It’s beautiful.”
“Just promise me I get to hear the first song played,” he replied.
She leaned over and kissed him. “You can have the first hundred songs.” She watched him pick up the gift she had gotten for him at the suggestion of Shelby. “My present isn’t anything close to that.”
“It’s not about the money,” Laurel said. “It’s the thought that counts.” She gave Jackie a big, cheesy grin with that, and Jackie felt heat rush to her face.
“OK, fine. Cost doesn’t matter.”
Nick opened up his painting, or actually a print of an oil painting, which he recognized before she even said who the artist was. “It’s a Remington!” He sounded genuinely excited. “I love his work. There are a couple of them up in the library.”
“I thought maybe for your office,” she said, hopeful. “It’s not the real thing, but it’s hard to steal from a museum.”
“It’ll look great up behind the desk,” he said. “This is great, Jackie. Thank you.” He kissed her again. “It’s a perfect gift. Really.”
Not next to a grand piano, but she had to convince herself that the cost of the gift really did not matter. Her gift to Laurel cost no money at all.
They continued around, opening the remaining gifts, and then lounged in their seats watching a full round of the movie before eating leftovers, playing pool, and switching from mimosas to hot buttered rum. As evening rolled around, Shelby and Cynthia began to gather up their gifts and help clean up, and Jackie found herself struggling to stay awake. How many drinks had she had over the course of the day? How much sleep had she actually gotten the night before?
