She probably stays late enough as it is. I think for a moment before it hits me. “When does she take her lunch breaks?”
“Between noon and one.”
Perfect. I can swing by before I need to be on the field for a night game. “Make sure she doesn’t make plans for tomorrow, okay?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Thank you.”
It won’t take her long to cut my hair and she won’t be quite so mad if I bring her lunch. Hopefully, anyway.
Later, I’m relaxing on the couch when there’s a knock on the door. Tanner. Please, don’t let him drive me crazy. I stand and let him in. He’s loaded down with I’m not sure how many bags.
“Why in the hell do you need so much shit?” I ask as he walks past me.
“I didn’t have time to do laundry first.”
Shaking my head, I close the door and wave my hand for him to follow me.
“Jordan, is that your wife? She’s hot.”
I swivel on my heels to see him standing midway down the hallway, studying wedding pictures on the wall. “Yeah,” I grit, “come on.”
“You’re separated and you still have pictures of her up? Why? Doesn’t that get in the way of dating?”
I push open the door to the spare bedroom a bit too hard. “Here’s your room.” He walks in and looks around, dropping his bags onto the floor. “There’s a key on the dresser. I expect it back once you leave. Bathroom is across the hall. Laundry room is downstairs next to the kitchen. Make yourself at home, don’t break anything, and don’t ask me about my wife.”
Tanner rolls his eyes. “Any other rules, Dad?” he jokes.
“No. Let me know if you can’t find anything.”
“Will do. Thanks again, Jordan.”
“No problem.”
My stomach grumbles from the aroma practically blasting from the takeout plate. I stopped by Heidi’s favorite restaurant and ordered her favorite dish. It smells delicious, and I wish I had grabbed me something too. I’m waiting until after to eat though.
After I park, I grab the bag with her food and walk into the salon, hiding it behind my back. Heidi is standing at receptionist’s desk, talking, and looking at the computer. The sound of the door opening has her looking my way with wide eyes.
“Jordan, what are you doing here?”
I give her the same grin I used to when I would flirt with her, bring the bag out from behind my back. “I need a haircut and I was hoping if I brought you lunch, you could cut it and still eat before your break is over.”
Heidi hesitates before asking, “What’d you bring me?”
My grin widens. “Soup from Al’s.” Never have I met someone who enjoys soup year-round like Heidi does. I had her the bag and she inhales the lovely aroma before frowning and scrunching her nose. “What’s that face for?” It’s her favorite and I know it smells good enough to eat.
She clears her throat. “Nothing. I didn’t feel good for a second. Go have a seat while I put this in the back.”
Before I can object with her not feeling well, she turns and walks away. I take a seat at her station and wait. She wordlessly returns, grabbing a cape and securing it around my neck. My phone starts vibrating in my pocket, so I pull it out.
“Hey, Mom,” I answer, wondering why she’s calling. We’re not all that close, and I hear from my parents a handful of times throughout the year.
“Hey, Jordan. I need to ask you something.”
“Um, okay.” Heidi is trying not to make it obvious that she’s listening, but the moment I said ‘mom’, she started paying attention.
“Are you divorced?” I’m stunned by her question, and I’m quiet long enough that she continues, “I can’t believe you, Jordan. How could you not tell us you divorced Heidi? What happened?”
“What makes you think I did?”
“I saw a photo that was taken after a practice or something and noticed you weren’t wearing your ring.”
At the mention of my ring, I bring my hand to my hidden necklace and finger it, ignoring Heidi following my movements in the mirror. Since when does Mom pay attention to that kind of thing? I didn’t think they followed me that closely.
“Mom, if I was divorced,” Heidi flinches, “don’t you think I would tell you?” I’m ready to end the conversation, so I add, “Look, Heidi is about to cut my hair, and then I have to get to the field. I’ll talk to you later, okay?” If she calls, then I’ll talk to her. The last thing I want to do is talk more about this with my mom.
“Okay. Glad everything is fine. Bye, Jordan.”
“Bye.” I end the call and slip my phone into my pocket. “Sorry,” I mumble as Heidi begins to work her magic.
“It’s fine.” I watch as she gulps. “Speaking of, my lawyer said it’s going to take longer than we thought with the paperwork.”
I clench my hand into a fist. She’s been checking in to see how much longer she has to be married to me? What the hell? It’s moments like this when I briefly wonder if fighting so damn hard is worth it. It’s when I ponder giving up. She’s done nothing but fight me twice as hard and maybe it’s pointless. She’s made up her mind, and maybe I won’t be able to change it. Heidi is making it so hard to stay strong throughout this mess.
Yet, one glance into the mirror as she keeps her eyes on what she’s doing and I know I won’t stop fighting, I won’t give up, and I won’t ever stop loving her. Of course it’s worth it. She is always worth the bad, the pain, and the heartache because she’s perfect for me, even with the hell she’s put me through.
Until we’ve signed our names on those divorce papers, I won’t give up. However, today is not a day for talking. Heidi is probably doing a happy dance on the inside because I’m not talking to her. She keeps glancing at me in the mirror, expecting me to say something, anything. She’s almost done when I can’t take the silence anymore.
“Sorry to come on your lunch break, but if I waited for an opening, it would’ve been Christmas,” I exaggerate. “It’s good that you’re busy though.”
Heidi nods. “Yeah, I think the convention helped us out.” She runs her fingers through my hair and it takes everything I have not to let my eyes roll into the back of my head at the sensation. “All done,” she tells me quietly.
“Thanks.” Once I stand, I turn toward her. “Don’t put too much into this,” I repeat her famous words, “but there’s a couple of tickets waiting for you if you wanted to come tonight. I know you miss it. You could bring a friend if you don’t want to go alone.”
Heidi gives me a real smile. “Thanks. Maybe I’ll go then.”
Maybe, my ass. I can’t focus on the game because I’m pissed for even hoping she’d come and pissed that she didn’t show. She should’ve come. Not for me, but because she’s a baseball fan. That should have been reason enough for her to come. I was so sure she would since her smile was genuine. Knowing how Heidi has been lately, she probably lost her nerve after I left.
I’m so lost in my own head, I barely know what’s going on, much less the score.
By the time I fall into my bed, I’m exhausted, but for some reason I can’t fall asleep. I’m almost asleep when I hear a long, loud groan, “Oh, God, girl.” My eyes flash open. I hear a scream and then a shout from Tanner and I’ll be damned. He seriously did not bring a chick here. I did not need to know that he is a screamer. I did not need him to have sex in my house.
I throw the covers back, get dressed, snatch my phone, wallet, and car keys off my dresser, and leave. There’s no way I’m about to interrupt him. I can still hear them from the living room. A glance at the clock shows it’s a bit too late to knock on Colby’s door. Would Heidi turn me away?
There is only one way to find out.
When Heidi opens the door, I know I’m sick of her being surprised to see me, even when she has a right to be. Why can’t I get a happy look? Just once? My eyes roam over her body. She’s wearing an oversized t-shirt and I’m sure there’s some shorts hidden underneath it. She
wouldn’t answer the door half-dressed. My fingers itch to touch her, but I can’t, so I ignore it.
“Can I crash on your couch tonight?” I ask before she can speak.
“What…why?”
“Tanner is loud when he has sex.” Heidi bunches her brows. “Please, Heidi? It’s late and I’m tired. I’ll be gone before you wake up in the morning.”
“Okay.” She steps aside and I walk in. “I’ll get you a pillow and a blanket.”
“Thanks.” I take the moment to look around. She’s made herself a home here, but it’s odd that there’s no TV. It looks as if there are other things missing too, which is odd.
“Here you go.”
I take the items from her and make a makeshift bed on the couch. As a thought hits me and since she’s standing off to the side watching me, I ask, “Do I snore?”
Heidi snorts a laugh, causing me to look over my shoulder at her. “Yeah, you snore, Jordan.”
“Badly?”
She nods as I turn to face her. “You’re loud. Why are you asking?”
“Colby roomed with me on the last road trip. He complained about it. I didn’t think it could be too bad because you never complained.”
Heidi folds her arms over her chest, a small smile playing on her lips. “I got used to it and usually, it didn’t bother me because I could sleep through it. Although, sometimes, you were so loud, I used earplugs.”
“Really?”
She nods. “There was a box of them in my nightstand. I would wake up before you did to take them out so you wouldn’t notice.”
“Why didn’t you ever say anything?” I ask as I set my phone, wallet, and keys on the coffee table and begin to remove my shirt.
Heidi’s eyes are glued to my chest where my tattoos are. She clears her throat. “What would it change? You would still snore and like I said, I only used the earplugs sometimes.”
I nod. “Well, night, I guess,” I say, my hands moving to the button on my shorts.
“Night.”
She quickly turns and leaves before I can finish undressing. I lie down on the couch and once again, can’t fall asleep. Heidi is too close. I wonder what she would do if I crawled into bed with her. Kick me out? Let me lie next to her? Claim we need another ‘normal’ night? Either way, I wouldn’t be able to take the blow of any of those possible outcomes. So, I close my eyes and hope I can fall asleep soon.
***
“SO, HE WAS on your couch, less than twenty feet away from you, and you did nothing?” Patty asks.
“Yes,” I sigh. “I wanted to talk to him and ask him to come to bed with me, but…” I trail off. The words are on the tip of my tongue, but they won’t come out.
“It’s because he still wants kids and you don’t, right?”
“Yes,” I whisper my answer.
“Let’s play the ‘what if’ game?” Patty leans forward.
“What?”
“I play this game from time-to-time. I’m going to ask you a ‘what if’ question and you’re going to answer it without thinking. Okay?”
I nod.
“What if you can’t have kids anymore, would you still be with Jordan?”
“Yes,” I answer immediately.
“What if Jordan walked in right now and asked you come home, would you?”
“Yes,” my voice cracks.
“Open your eyes.”
I do.
“Heidi, I can’t understand why you’re torturing yourself right now. You have a loving, caring man who’s willing to do anything for you. Have you sat down and talked to him about not having kids until later on?”
“Not in so many words.” I shrug off the question.
“What if Jordan says he’d wait or says he’s fine not having kids, what would you do?”
The hot tear streams down my face.
“Do you think you caused Eden’s death?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“She died as I gave birth to her. She died in my body. How can it not be my fault?”
“Heidi,” Patty sits back. “Stillbirths happen for so many reasons. Your very last ultrasound, what happened?”
I thought back to that day. “Um…I told the doctor Eden wasn’t kicking as often and I felt strange, almost like morning sickness but not as severe. He told me not to worry about it, but…” I remember the face of the doctor. “He saw something on the screen, but he never said anything. I didn’t think of it.”
“You didn’t do anything wrong. No one knows a true answer on why. No one will ever be able to answer it. Not me, Jordan, or you. No one. It’s a horrific tragedy that’s not easy to explain away. You are a great mother. I see it in you. I know a mother is supposed to protect their children and you did. But now you’re punishing yourself, Jordan, your marriage, and everyone else for no reason.”
“There’s a reason,” I snap at her.
“No. The death of a child is atrocious. It’s a pain that never leaves no matter how much therapy you have; however, it’s how you deal with it that ensures you to go on with your life. Jordan needs you as much as you need him.” Patty pauses and taps her finger on her chin. “I’m giving you homework.”
“Homework?”
“Yep. I want you to write a letter to Eden and to Jordan. Then deliver both of them to Jordan.”
“Why?” I’m shocked at what she’s saying. “I’m not good at writing letters.”
Patty giggles. “It doesn’t have to be long. Just write your feelings to Eden and Jordan. Give them to him and see how he reacts.”
“When…when do I have to give them to him?” I’m suddenly very nervous about expressing my feelings in any manner to Jordan.
“Whenever you feel like it’s the right time. It could be tomorrow, next week, or next year, but either way, you need closure and I think this will be a step in the right direction.” Patty smiles, but all I feel is dread building.
I walk into the salon still thinking about Patty’s words. I can’t write letters. Jordan is the best person to express his feelings on paper. I need to push this out of my head right now. Work is what I need now to center myself again. Ever since the convention, we’ve been busting at the seams to keep up with all the new clients.
Kassy is sitting in the small kitchenette eating a sandwich. “Hey, where have you been?”
“Had an appointment this morning. Did I miss anything?”
“Nah. I’m taking a quick break before my afternoon starts.” She takes a large bite.
“Ugh!” I turn my nose. “What the hell are you eating?”
“Tuna on rye,” she says with her mouth still full.
My stomach jumps and I rush to the bathroom as the wave of nausea hits me. I kneel over the toilet bowl and empty the contents of my breakfast into it.
“Oh my God, are you okay?” Skye says from the door.
“Yes,” I mutter. “I think I have food poison or something.” I rise to my feet when I finish with the toilet. I head over to the sink and rinse my mouth out.
“You don’t look well,” Skye observes.
“I’m good. Kassy’s tuna is what triggered it,” I tell her and then I stop. “Tuna,” I whisper. When I was pregnant with Eden, I couldn’t stand the smell of any fish or seafood. For that matter, wine smelled foul to me, too.
“Heidi, you look as if you’ve seen a ghost. What’s wrong?”
My heart is racing. No. It can’t be possible. This isn’t happening to me. “Are you still off this afternoon?”
“Yes.” She nods.
“Can you finish my afternoon? I need to rest.” It’s only a small lie.
“No problem. Do you want me to drive you home?”
“No!” I almost shout. “No, I’ll head home now.” My shaky legs carry me out to my car and in a zombie-like state, I drive to the pharmacy and purchase the one thing I’d never thought I’d ever buy again.
A pregnancy test.
I don’t think I’m even breathing as I walk into my apar
tment and go straight to the bathroom. I can’t wait till morning to know the truth. When I’m finished, I set the test on the counter, wash my hands, and set the timer on my phone for two minutes.
I’m not able to even think. How could I have been so stupid? I’m not on the pill. Jordan didn’t wear a condom. It’s not like I don’t know where babies come from. I sit on the floor of the bathroom, resting my back on the side of the tub.
If it’s true, what am I going to do? What will Jordan say? Oh, that’s dumb; I know he’ll be over the moon about it, but not me.
Or will I be?
I close my eyes and think of a tiny bundle of joy in my hands. Soft brown eyes like Jordan’s and my sandy blonde hair. I bet she’d be athletic. Jordan talked about coaching Eden’s softball team when she became older. Would he do the same with this baby?
If. If there’s a baby. No, there can’t be a baby now or ever.
A shock rolls over me. I can’t have an abortion. Can I? It wouldn’t be fair to Jordan. Can I give the baby to him and walk away? The pain in my heart says I’m a fool and I wouldn’t be able to do that either.
I think of the nights Jordan spent talking to my round belly. He even made me put the phone to my belly when he was on the road. He’s a dork of epic proportions, but he’s an amazing father.
Well, he would have been. No, could be. Shit, what am I doing? I drop my head in my hands and I’m itching to call him. I want to call him so badly, it’s like my soul is humming for him. Like a siren’s call.
The beep on my phone makes me jump. I leap to my feet and grab the test. I squint to see one bright line and a barely there line. I grab the box and read the directions out loud.
“The second line would be a dark blue or light blue. If you can’t read the second line, it’s possible you may not be pregnant, but consult your doctor.”
I breathe a sigh of relief. There isn’t a bright line. It’s negative. I drop to my knees; I should be feeling jubilation, but I am not. I’m sad.
Do I want children with Jordan? Before yes, I did, but now…
I stand, trash the pregnancy test, and go to the small computer desk in my bedroom. I grab a piece of paper and pen.
My dearest Eden,
I’m not good at expressing myself on paper. Your dad is better at this. However, I promised I would and now I am.
Jordan Page 11
