by Pamela Ann
He chose me.
Me. Not any of those bimbos, but me—The Lily he knew. With all of my flaws, riddled with endless insecurities and forever questioning everything related to him, he had accepted me.
Therefore, I had better accept that and love him the way he loved me, no questions asked.
Chapter 8
Drake
A bone-chilling scream coming from the bathroom woke me with a startle.
“Lil?” I yelled as I jumped out of bed. “Lily?” I barked out upon entering the bathroom. The shower was running, and I could immediately hear Lily’s cries coming out from the foggy glass section. “Are you okay in there?” I was gripping the metal handle bar, ready to jump in there if she needed me.
What had happened? I wondered with a heavy heart.
“Drake …?” There was a crack in her voice when she opened the door, soaking wet and with red-rimmed eyes, before holding up a finger with what appeared to look like blood on it. “What does this mean? I had pains in my lower abdomen, and then this came …”
Breath. This isn’t what it looks like, my brain was trying to assess things as I told myself not to get my emotions involved. My wife was seconds away from having a panic attack or a breakdown, maybe both, and I couldn’t risk emotions getting in the way, so I had better keep a clear head.
Clearing my throat, I masked my fears before giving her a straight face, gazing at her with unwavering eyes. “First, let’s get you out of the shower. We’ll take this one step at a time. Don’t draw up any conclusions, Lil, not until the doctor sees you.”
Her tears fell, making me feel more frightful inside.
“Baby, come here, please,” I begged, needing to hold her.
She shook her head again before her eyes dropped to the blood on her finger. “I did it again, didn’t I?” she whispered, making me feel guilty because it was me who had been hard on her body the night before. It was my fault, not hers. However, I couldn’t very well say that out loud, not until the doctor told us there was no hope.
“Are you sure it’s not your period?” I tried to veer her head in that direction. Also, a part of me hoped that it was, too.
She shook her head, her eyes not straining away from the blood on her hand. “My period doesn’t start so heavily. This isn’t it, Drake. I know it isn’t!”
“Lily.” I stopped, paralyzed on the spot when she dropped her gaze just as we both witnessed something red run down her thigh. Alarm bells rang loudly in my ears as I realized what was happening here.
Fuck! That wasn’t good.
There was no mistaking the fear in her eyes when she brought them to my own. “Drake?” she sobbed. “I killed our baby again.”
No. Please, God, no. Not again.
Praying that the latter wasn’t true, I swiftly took charge, unwilling to say a word. I yanked one of the towels from the nearby holder before wrapping it around her body. I then dashed into her walk-in closet to fetch some clothes, fresh underwear, and those white liners Lily used at the end of her period, before heading back towards her.
In her sobbing shock, I was grateful she didn’t protest when I started dressing her tensed body. Once she was dressed, I immediately took one of my sweatpants and a shirt, past caring what I was wearing. All I cared about was Lily, and if there was a baby, then them, as well.
We were going to be fine. We will get through this just as we did last time, stronger than ever, I tried to reassure myself when I buckled her into her seat and while we drove to the hospital. It was the very same hospital we had come to the previous week for my father’s surgery, and the very same one she had almost lost me, and the very one where she had lost the baby because she was fighting for me.
However, this time around, this was all me. Had I known, I wouldn’t have done the things I had done last night with her, but fuck, how the hell was I supposed to know? I didn’t think she had even been aware she was pregnant.
Her cries, each ragged breath she took, immediately went straight to my heart. It was like a dagger, stabbing me with guilt each time. It was the worst place to be in, but I knew I deserved it. If she came out hating me, I wouldn’t even blame her for it.
“I’m sorry.”
What? I thought, almost hitting the brakes as I did a double take on her, giving her a penetrating look.
“Don’t …” I choked out. “Don’t say that. If someone is to be sorry, then it’s me, but before we draw up anything here, Lil, please, let’s wait until we have answers.”
She nodded. “Okay.”
I wasn’t sure what was going on anymore, but I did know I didn’t want false alarms and us already blaming each other without solid facts.
With one mission in mind, I went over the speed limit because I couldn’t take the fact that my wife hadn’t stopped crying, nor could I stand the fact that she believed the blood represented another lost baby. She was blaming herself, and knowing how she worked, she was already tormenting herself for what had happened. If there was any failure here, it was mine.
I wished I had the capacity to restrain myself when it came to Lily. Had I known that last night would hurt her, I wouldn’t have gone so far. Although, like I had said before, how was I to know?
Fright and utter disorientation settled inside me the second I drove into the emergency room and saw Lily was immediately taken off by the nurses, wheeling her away as they started asking her questions. I stood back, paralyzed from the fear of seeing her eyes mirroring my own uncertainty, giving me that pleading look, as if she was saying sorry for putting me in such position.
How could she? How could she give me that look? How could she solely blame herself and take responsibility for something I had done to her? I couldn’t understand how she could not see the truth—that it was me who was at fault.
Feeling utterly helpless and powerless, I couldn’t even fathom calling my mother, knowing well enough that she was dealing with my father’s recovery. And, as for Hannah, Lily’s mother, she would immediately call on my mother because it was what they did—always notifying each other of whatever was happening in their lives. I knew she meant well, but I was convinced Lily and I couldn’t handle any of that interference, not just yet. Not until she and I had personally dealt with it first.
Looking around, the heaviness in my heart gnawed deeper. Would there ever come a time that this hospital wouldn’t represent sorrow? It seemed that, whatever bad luck life handed to us, this particular place partook in it for some reason. Maybe someday, there would be joyous memories that overshadowed the bad ones.
Someday, perhaps.
*
“Mr. Tatum? Mr. Drake Tatum?”
“Yes?” I immediately perked up when my name was called by a guy who seemed too young to be wearing a medical personnel uniform. Without the glasses, he only appeared to be about fifteen years old.
He gave me a kind smile before introducing himself as Lily’s doctor then informing me she was now resting, bearing good news that she was indeed pregnant, and that the baby was fine. Her condition apparently wasn’t uncommon for women who were in their first trimester. A small percentage of pregnancies unfortunately suffered spotting or bleeding, as they called it. However, since she had it with excruciating cramps, she was advised to go on bed rest for the next month, and any sexual activity was prohibited until the doctor gave the clear.
At that point or for the rest of the pregnancy, for that matter, sex was the last thing on my mind. God willing, if everything panned out smoothly with no problems along the way, then in approximately eight months’ time, we would be the proud parents of our new baby boy or girl. I didn’t have any sex preference. At that rate, I would take anything. I even went on to think that, if there was any off chance there was a genetic defect or any mental incapability, I wouldn’t even bat an eyelash, because this baby was my child. My baby. No matter what challenges were ahead of us, I would be more than prepared to take them on with my arms wide open, grateful for the blessing.
Whi
le the doctor took his leave, a nurse who was also going over Lily’s care led me towards her room. She was a nice Latina woman who came off as one of those people you could tell your secrets to. She gave off that kind of vibe, as if no matter what you told her, she would still give you a hug and tell you that you had a good heart.
Though I didn’t intend on sharing anything personal, she was telling me about the baby and how well he or she was doing. And, just like any proud parent and grandparent, she didn’t lack stories of the horrors of labors and the thrilling upheaval of emotions that settled in with first time parents. She was basically, in the subtlest fashion, guiding me as to what to expect during the impending months and weeks and days after childbirth. Though she persisted that everything was all worth it, I couldn’t help detecting that tone that told me to come prepared, or I would have a big reality check.
Note to self: must educate about pregnancy, childcare, and how to deal with emotional and mental challenges of being a first time parent. Barnes and Noble should have one of those How To guide books on their shelves, right? Hell, I sure hoped they did.
Entering Lily’s room, I felt my heart pound wildly as it constricted at the very sight of her pale face. She was resting with a hand over her flat tummy, as if instinctively protecting our baby while she took some shuteye. I stood frozen, beholden at the news that she was with child. How often had I wished this dream, that we would get to experience what had been robbed from us the first time?
My fears, I was positive, were nothing compared to what was hounding Lily’s mind. Finding out there was a baby being nurtured by her body, I was certain she would go above and beyond to make sure the last unfortunate accident didn’t happen again. If I was a worrywart, she was the triple N—Neurotic Nervous Nellie. Nevertheless, she was my wife, and I would take on all her neurotic tendencies with a smile.
Moving towards her, I positioned myself to sit next to her leg at the end of the hospital bed before softly holding her limp hand, which was somewhat cold against mine. I immediately felt the need to warm it by enclosing it with my other hand, rubbing it as gently as I could until I felt the warmth of her blood flowing.
“We’re going to be parents, Lil, and you’re going to be a great mom. Aren’t you excited?” I knew I was talking more to myself, but I didn’t care. My heart was overflowing with joy, and I needed to tell Lily how ecstatic I was.
There was a low grumbling sound coming from her, drawing a deep smile from me. Being in this position, waiting for someone you cared for to wake up on the hospital bed, was terrifying. And this case wasn’t even a life or death situation. I couldn’t imagine the terror and anxiety Lily had to undergo when I lay in a coma, wondering if I would ever make it out alive.
A trail of flashbacks brought me back to the past, my breaths turning shallow and my chest squeezing the organ that had almost taken my life away.
“Hey, you’re crying again,” I sadly whispered, looking at Lily, who seemed like she was about to pass out from exhaustion or from hyperventilation due to her small, hiccupping sounds of cries.
Powerless from stopping any of this catastrophe from happening, I didn’t want my last memory of her—if it did end here—to be of her crying for me. It would break my heart if I left her in such a state. Tired though I was, all I wanted was to succumb to the heaviness of my eyes. I tried to fight it with all of my energy, not wanting to close my eyes again just in case I wasn’t ever going to wake.
I wanted to see her…
I only wanted to keep seeing her… Because, each time I did, my heart would fill with hope that I would come out of this operation alive.
“I can’t help it.” she appeared to look brave, but I knew better. I knew, deep inside, she was crumbling, as was I.
I didn’t want this to end, not yet. Not this way. It was way too cruel. However, looking around the whiteness of my surroundings, I knew I was powerless—helpless—to whatever life had in store for me. Once they opened me in the operating room, it was all going to be a gamble. It wasn’t fair, but at that point, it was either I risk gambling my life or sign up for a death sentence. It wasn’t much of a choice, but I’d take the gamble over not having to fight at all for life, a life I wanted very much to keep.
I felt weak, but I tried to give her a brave smile, hoping it would keep those tears at bay. “They’re going to wheel me out in twenty minutes to prep me for the operation,” I started to say, unsure of where I was going with this, but at the same time, I knew we had to talk about it, about the possible outcome. It sure as fuck was a hard subject to tackle, yet I knew I must, even if it killed me inside. The lump in my throat made it difficult to swallow any saliva to wet the dry confines of my mouth, making it all the harder to speak. “Just in case I don’t survive—”
Lily’s finger shakily covered my lips, pleading with me not to finish what I had been about to tell her. “No. Don’t think like that. You will survive this. You’re a fighter. Don’t give up on me … or the baby. Please,” she begged me to stop while I fought all the emotions that had ballooned in my chest.
Did she know that I hated being in this position—feeling weak and helpless, not knowing if I would live another day? Did she have any clue how it was killing me to give her the speech I had been about to give? However, if I didn’t, I would regret it. It was a fucked up situation, and as much as I wanted her to keep loving me, denying her and our future child’s happiness would be utterly cruel.
“I will try, Lil. You know I will, but this is beyond my control.” Reaching for her hand, I memorized the feel of it, its warmth, before pulling her close, letting her head rest upon my chest, hoping she would know how difficult this was for me.
The words terrorized my whole existence, but I must get them out before it was too late. Before I even opened my mouth to speak, I felt the hot tears prickle at the back of my eyes, needing release.
“I don’t want to die. I want to see you swell with my baby. I want to see my child being born into this world. I want to share that joy with you. I wish that more than anything. You must believe me.” I had to pause because my heart was starting to hurt badly, and I needed to take a moment, to take a short breath to gather my bearings before continued. “If things turn for the worst, I’m hoping you will name our child with my last name? I want him or her to have something of me.”
Lily fell into heaps of tears, crying with no constraint, as if the floodgates had just been opened, and there was no stopping it from coming.
My hospital gown was beyond soaked from her cries, but I wasn’t done, not even close.
As much as I wanted to see her walk down the aisle and marry me, it would be selfish if I took a future without me from them, too. They both deserved to have a second chance, to be a family with a loving home, with a man to protect and love them just as fiercely as I had loved them.
“When the time comes, I want you to move on. I want my child to have a good, loving home and a good father figure for him or her. Will you … promise me that, Lil?” My voice cracked at the end. I knew I was asking too much, most especially at such a fragile time. I needed her to make the vow, though. I needed her to promise she would do her very best to make it happen, that she wouldn’t mourn for me. I wanted her to celebrate my life and the new life of our child.
Lily’s fiery eyes met mine, giving me such a determined look that one would assume she was ready for a battle. “No. I won’t promise you that. I will never fucking promise you that, Drake Tatum. There will be no other man except you, do you hear me? So, get your ass in gear because you will survive this. You can and you will do this because, if you don’t, I will fucking die without you. Do you hear me? Yeah, I will die from heartache. So, please, don’t do that to me.”
“Oh, Lil, you’re so brave,” I murmured with melancholia, letting the ghosts of our past bury themselves in the back of my mind. Each time I thought of that particular moment, I was reminded how fragile life was. What’s more, seeing Lily on the hospital bed with a very simil
ar-looking hospital gown to what I wore before, it brought out the ugly ghosts that still hounded my dreams.
Amidst the chaos, I could easily admit I had walked away with something from that accident. It had taught me to love unconditionally, that life was so precious each morning should be celebrated. Each loving moment should be cherished, and no one should never fret to live it up to the fullest. I remember thinking then that I had so many regrets and so many wishes I hadn’t satisfied. Also, so many mistakes I had wanted to undo. It was a second chance at life that, hopefully, this second time around, we would do better, living our lives the way we had imagined.
Well, this was my second chance, and I hoped I fared better than expected.
Resting my fingers above Lily’s hand, I let my finger brush her soft skin, caressing it slowly. “We’re finally going to get have what we wished for.” The joy in my heart couldn’t be stopped. It completely swelled. I was almost in tears because of it. Stupendously happy, I surely was.
I felt a kind of urgency and protectiveness over our unborn baby. It was what I had fought so hard for. It was what I lived for. If life had another cruel joke in store for me, well, she could think again because I sure as fuck wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon.
Chapter 9
Lily
“How about we stay another day?” The idea came out of nowhere, maybe because the hospital staff seemed confident that I was going to be okay, making me all the more hesitant to go home and deal with the fear that I was going to do something to hurt the baby again.
Drake paused, showing confusion with his brows furrowed together. “The doctor said you’re free to be discharged.”
“I know,” I murmured, hesitating while I picked at my nails, needing to mask what was going through my thoughts by avoiding his gaze, “but what’s another day? I just want to make sure everything’s okay.”
“You’re fine, Lil. There’s nothing to worry about.” Again, his confidence, like the rest of them, made me balk inside. “Well, I suppose you have a whole month of worrying about what to do at home and how you will entertain yourself while I’m at work, slaving myself away,” he teased before reaching out to touch a strand of my hair, toying with it. His sweet gesture eased some of the tension in me.
