by Mia Archer
I blinked a couple of times. This wasn't how my first kiss was supposed to go. My first kiss, and it was with Craig of all people. I wanted to let out a groan of frustration, but I didn't. I did feel like slapping him though. I was pulling my arm back when he pulled away and looked at me expectantly.
My arm hung in the air. He wasn’t kissing me now so was it really nice to slap him? All I could do was continue to stare at him in surprise.
“Why did you do that?” I finally asked.
Craig swallowed and blushed. “It just felt right. So what did you think of…"
"Why would you do that?" I asked.
Okay, so maybe my brain was stuck on repeat. Could you blame me? I’d just had my first kiss, and it was nothing like how I'd imagined.
"I was hoping since we’re going off to high school and everything that maybe you and I…"
The hope in his voice almost broke my heart. I lowered my hand. Nothing I could do with a slap would come close to what I was about to do with a few words.
I couldn’t believe it. He was the one who kissed me without asking, probably because he saw it in some stupid movie or something somewhere and thought that’s how it was done, and now I was the one who felt bad for him.
He really thought leaning in to kiss me would lead to getting what he wanted. Only I felt nothing. Just a vague sense of disgust that my first kiss was wasted on him.
I sighed. "Craig…"
I couldn't think of anything to say that actually fit the moment. What was I supposed to say? I had no freaking clue. This guy had kissed me and I felt like I should've felt something even if I wasn’t interested in him in particular. He was cute enough, if kinda weird.
But there was nothing. So instead of addressing the awkward moment or wasting more time trying to figure out what it meant I tossed my cookies to the sidewalk so some birds or squirrels could maybe get some enjoyment out of them. I sure wasn't going to be able to enjoy them now.
I looked down at Craig at one final time, had one last disbelieving thought that I'd just had my first kiss from Craig of all people, and turned and walked back into the church.
I didn't really want to see Pastor Dave in there, but I really didn't want to stay out here with Craig either.
I tried to push thoughts of what had just happened out of my mind, but it was hard. Not because I'd enjoyed it, but because I felt like I should have enjoyed it and was wondering what was wrong with me that I didn't.
2
Sarah
I took a deep breath of the warm night air. I loved it out here. Everything was always so tranquil. So peaceful.
Sure there was a time when there was a lot more noise out here. A time when the shuttered factory off in the distance had gone twenty-four hours a day and provided the lifeblood for this small town.
That was a long time ago. The factory was empty and dark now. The railroad tracks leading out to it were grown over where they weren’t ripped or rusted out. They hadn’t held a train for at least a decade, though I could still remember watching the trains go by from the softball practice field on the other side of the country road.
I looked down. It was a ten foot drop to the road below, but I didn't care. I’d been out here on the old bridge often enough that I knew I wasn't in any danger of falling. Besides, heights had never bothered me.
Not much of anything bothered me. At least not that I showed the world.
This place had been a popular hangout well before I found it. Kids would come up to the small bridge over a road leading to the factory parking lot and play games of chicken. At least that’s what the rumors all said.
That was part of the reason why no one came up here anymore. There were stories. Kids who’d been caught on this very bridge. Killed. Run over by a train in a very messy and gruesome way when they tried a little too hard to win their game of chicken.
I wasn't sure how much I believed those stories. They sounded like the kind of urban legend that seemed to grow up in small towns everywhere.
Let's put it this way. I'd never seen a newspaper clipping proving someone had died here. I’d definitely never seen a ghost out here, but I was happy for the ghost stories if they kept people away from my spot.
"What are you thinking about?" Courtney asked.
I looked over at my best friend and one-time girl crush. The girl crush thing was over now. Mostly. It hadn't lasted past me admitting my feelings to her and her making it clear she was completely straight.
It broke my heart at the time, but at least it hadn’t gotten in the way of our friendship.
Tonight she was rocking some purple streaks in her hair that was almost indistinguishable from her jet black hair. She had a nose ring, something that scandalized all the normies at our school, and a smile on her face as she took a drag from her cigarette.
"I'm thinking about how those things are going to kill you someday," I said, waving a hand in front of my face to chase away the smoke she blew at me because she knew I hated it.
Bitch.
I coughed and waved my hand. And that handwaving nearly caused me to lose balance and go slipping over the edge. I reached out to the gravel on the edge of the railroad track but it was gravel so it’s not like I could grab hold of it. Courtney's arm slammed into my stomach nearly knocking the wind out of me.
"Damn," she said. "I never thought you'd hate smoke so much that you'd kill yourself to avoid it. It's not like it's going to kill you right away, but that fall might.”
I flipped her the bird. She smiled a sweet smile.
"You're very funny," I said. "You know that, right?"
"I do try," she said.
We didn’t say anything for a little while. To be perfectly honest my heart was still pounding from nearly going over the edge. The rush of adrenaline was pulsed through me.
Sure it’s not like falling off the bridge would actually kill me, but it would’ve been a nasty fall. Nasty enough that I might’ve broken something.
Either way it wouldn’t be fun. So I gave myself a few minutes to calm down. Courtney gave me those few minutes to calm down. Which was the least she could do since it would’ve been totally her fault.
Bitch. But I loved her for it.
"So what do you think about everything that's coming up?" she asked after that long moment was over.
"What are you talking about?"
She shrugged. A fatalistic shrug if I'd ever seen one. One that seemed to take in the entire injustice of being a teenager.
Of course I knew Courtney could be overly dramatic. Then again, we were drama kids. Overly dramatic was sort of our lifestyle choice.
“Junior year for you. Senior year for me,” she said. “That’s kinda a big deal don’t you think?”
I snorted. “Are you turning into one of those yearbook toting preppies who’s going on about how these are the best years of our lives or something?”
She stubbed out her cigarette on the gravel and flicked the butt down to the road below. There were lots of cigarette butts down there. We came out here a lot.
“Fuck no,” she said. “I’ve just been thinking, is all.”
I gave her a sideways glance. As always I was struck by how pretty she was, but that prettiness didn’t hit me with all the intensity of a knife to the gut like it had once upon a time.
Now it was just a dull ache. I knew nothing was going to happen. She’d made that clear. It still hurt. It still brought back fond memories. More than anything all the drama had faded though.
Yeah, like I said. Drama kids. The name wasn’t just about what we chose to do with our free time after school.
“You’re turning into one of them,” I said with a giggle.
“Am not!” she shot back.
I looked out over the parking lot. Empty. Nothing going for it. Just like this town.
“I can’t wait to get out of here,” I said. “Being a junior just means it’s two more years to getting the hell out of here instead of one.”
“I dun
no,” Courtney said. “It’s not all bad here, y’know?”
I turned to her and this time I couldn’t hide my surprise. Sure I tried to show the world I didn’t give a fuck about it or anything in it, but did she seriously just say she didn’t think this place was all bad?
“What’s going on with you?” I asked. “You were always going on about how much this place sucked. You going soft in your last year here?”
She blushed and turned away. I felt like there was something she wasn’t telling me. That or I was missing something, and I’d been friends with her long enough that I didn’t miss much.
“I’m just saying this place is tolerable, is all,” she said.
“I can’t think of anything that would make this place tolerable,” I said. “It’s not like being a junior is even a huge deal. Sure no one’s walking all over me anymore, but it’s not like I’m a senior. I’m the Jan Brady of the pecking order at that shithole.”
“Did you really just compare your entire grade to Jan Brady?” she asked.
“Maybe I did. What’s the big deal?”
She groaned and rolled her eyes. “Y’know for someone who walks around pretending to be such a hardass you sure have some dorky hobbies.”
“Hey. Watching the Brady Bunch is not a dorky hobby. That show is an American institution!”
“And since when did you care about America or institutions?” she countered.
I opened my mouth to tell her to go fuck herself then shut it. She had a point there.
“Maybe don’t mention to anyone that I like the Brady Bunch?” I asked.
She held out her pinky. I twisted mine with hers and grinned.
“Promise,” she said.
We settled into another comfortable silence. That was one of the things I liked about hanging out with Courtney. Sometimes neither one of us had to say a thing.
I breathed in the warm air. Watched fireflies dancing over fields in the distance. Listened to the occasional skittering of some small critter moving across the asphalt of the abandoned parking lot that was slowly being reclaimed by nature.
Yeah, it was one of those perfect nights.
“It’s a damned shame this weekend’s going to end and we’ll be back in school in a couple of days,” I said. “That’s always the worst part about summer vacation. Knowing it’s going to be over soon.”
“Could be worse,” Courtney snorted.
“What could be worse than going back to school?” I asked.
“I heard Aaron Townsend dropped out because he got a job down at Thompson’s.”
“He dropped out because he got a job at a drive-in restaurant? Seriously?”
“Yup. Heard through the grapevine he was bragging to people about his new career as a chef.”
She made a disgusted noise and rolled her eyes to tell me what she thought of that. Though honestly I was surprised a kid our age could get a job like that in the first place.
There were a lot of people around here who couldn’t find anything. A lot of people a lot older than us who might be better qualified for something like that.
Then again the ones who stuck around here did tend to be the types who either put a needle in their arm to forget about the world or they cooked the stuff that other people put in their arms to forget about their world.
Yeah, Mayberry this place wasn’t.
“Sure I’m not going to drop out to become a fry cook or anything,” I said. “But it’s still school. We’re still going to have to put up with watching those preppy assholes prancing around like they own the place. Looking down their noses at us.”
“I don’t know,” Courtney said. “School isn’t all bad.”
My eyebrows went up. I knew I was staring, but I couldn’t exactly help it.
“Who are you and what did you do with the Courtney I know? Did the pod people get you last night or something?”
“Come on,” she said. “You’re acting like school is some terrible thing. We go there. We see our friends. We have to do some homework. We get to do the play after school gets out. Is it really all that bad?”
“What’s with you?” I asked.
“Nothing,” she said, but there was something about her tone that made me not quite believe her.
She pulled out another cigarette and lit it. I made a point of coughing and waving my hand in the air like I was trying to push the smoke away, which I honestly was. I hated the stuff.
“Nothing,” she said. “Just thinking about what the school year might bring.”
She was hiding something, but I wasn’t going to bother her about it. If she wanted to tell me her secrets she’d tell me in her own time.
So instead I enjoyed the silence. Stared out over the empty parking lot and thought about what the new school year might bring.
The next play was the only thing I could think of to look forward to, but that was something. Maybe I’d even get something more than a supporting role this year.
Fat chance with as many seniors as we had returning to the club. I’d have to wait next year for my turn which sucked, but that’s the way it went.
No, other than looking forward to the play it was the same boring existence going through the motions and avoiding the assholes who thought they ran the school.
Yeah, that was going to be a whole lot of fucking fun. I couldn’t wait to get out of this place.
3
Chloe
“Oh my God,” Ashley said. “Can you believe we’re actually in high school? I can’t believe we’re actually in fucking high school!”
“Ashley!” I said, a blush coming to my cheeks as I instinctively looked around to make sure there weren’t any teachers listening.
“What?” she asked.
“You shouldn’t talk like that,” I said. “You could get in trouble!”
She fixed me with a look I was all too familiar with. A look that combined “are you kidding me?” with “grow up Chloe.”
“You might be comfortable wagging your potty mouth all over the place but I’m not going to get in trouble with you when some teacher catches you swearing!” I said.
Ashley shook her head.
“Y’know you really need to loosen up,” she said. “We’re in high school!”
“What does that have to do with anything?” I sniffed. “Rules are still rules, and you’re not doing yourself any favors by breaking them.”
Ashley rolled her eyes and grabbed me by the arm. Yanked me into the big gym I’d been to for games just like everyone else, but this was the first time I’d been in the gym as an actual student.
I knew it wasn’t any different from any other time I’d been in the gym, but it felt different now for some reason.
I looked around in awe. Teachers stood behind desks with signs showing what grade and what name range they were taking. There were other students I recognized from our own grade, but then there were the upperclassmen.
They didn’t look like kids. They were like adults walking around in school for some reason. I recognized some of them because I’d gone to school with them for a year or maybe two years in middle school, but it was still weird seeing them now.
Not to mention the complete strangers. Kids who came from other middle schools. People I’d never seen before in my life and we were thrown together now.
Everyone looked so much older. This place really was so much more worldly than middle school, and I’d gotten all sorts of warnings about middle school when I started there.
Pastor Dave thought just about everything was worldly when you got down to it, and he wasn’t afraid to tell you all about it in between strumming songs on his guitar.
“Amazing,” I whispered.
“You’ve got that right,” Ashley said. “Would you look at some of those guys?”
I blushed again. Speaking of worldly things I was supposed to be careful about. Older guys trying to take my virtue from me was near the top of that list. Whatever that meant.
Pastor Dave had never be
en big on the specifics. Just that we needed to be constantly on our guard. It was enough to make the older guys seem just a little scary.
I followed Ashley’s gaze over to a group of guys near the edge of the gym talking and laughing. They seemed to be having a good time there, and from the way Ashley stood with her mouth hanging open she seemed to enjoy watching them have a good time.
I looked at them for a long moment. Wondered what it was Ashley saw in them. Then I wondered if there was something wrong with me that I was looking at those guys but I wasn’t feeling anything.
I blushed again as I thought back to that kiss with Craig. That kiss where I felt nothing.
What if there really was something wrong with me? I didn’t know what it could possibly be, but there was a worry gathering in the back of my mind and I didn’t like it.
“Yeah, they’re cute I suppose,” I lied.
“You suppose?” Ashley asked. “They’re delicious!”
My cheeks were already red, but her words made it even worse.
There were times when I wondered why I was still friends with Ashley. She was always getting into so much trouble. She was the kind of person they warned us about at youth group. Mostly because she was the kind of person who wasn’t interested in going to youth group.
But we’d been friends since kindergarten, and I wasn’t going to kick her out of my life just because Pastor Dave had a problem with her. Sure it felt wrong to even think like that, but whatever. She was my best friend.
If Pastor Dave thought having a best friend was wrong then maybe he was the one who was wrong, not her.
“Come on,” Ashley said. “Enough enjoying the eye candy. It’s time for us to get our schedules!”
I watched the older guys on the other side of the gym for a moment longer. I pushed myself to feel something. Anything. I should’ve felt something, shouldn’t I? Just like I should’ve enjoyed that kiss with Craig.
But I didn’t. What was wrong with me?
