by Dan Gutman
“Oh, snap!” said Ryan.
“You know, girls are smarter than boys,” Andrea said. “Some scientists did an experiment and proved it.”
“Some scientists should do an experiment on your face,” I told Andrea.
“Oh, snap!” said Ryan.
“You’re mean, A.J.!” Emily said.
“She started it,” I said.
“Boys eat mud!” said Andrea’s other little flunky, who was named Annette.
“Girls have six toes on each foot!” said Neil the nude kid. I knew that wasn’t true, but it sounded good.
“Boys are smelly!” said Julie, who was also sitting at Andrea’s table.
“Boys go to college to get more knowledge!” said Michael. “Girls go to Jupiter to get more stupider!”
Everybody was yelling at one another. Kids at the other tables were looking at us. I was trying to think of something really mean to say about girls, but I couldn’t come up with anything good. It didn’t matter though, because at that moment, Dr. Brad came rushing over to our table.
“SHTOP!” he hollered. Everybody shtopped, I mean, stopped.
It was so quiet, you could hear a pin drop. Not a bowling pin, though. They make a lot of noise when they drop. I mean one of those little pins, like the ones my mom uses to sew stuff.
“No more of zees fighting!” Dr. Brad yelled. “No more shouting! You must learn to get along!”
Dr. Brad went on and on, telling us that boys and girls need to be polite and respectful of one another so we can live in peace and harmony and all that other stuff counselors always say.
Everybody was quiet while he talked. We all looked at the floor. Any time a grown-up yells, you’re supposed to look at the floor. Nobody knows why.
“I’m sorry, Dr. Brad,” said Andrea, who never misses the chance to brownnose a grown-up.
“Are we going to be punished?” asked Emily quietly.
“No, no, no,” Dr. Brad said. “I have anuzer idea. Tomorrow morning, I vant each of you to bring in your favorite toy from home.”
“What?” I asked. “Our favorite toy?”
“Zat’s right,” Dr. Brad said. “Come to Room 104 vis your toy first zing in zee morning.”
“But—” Ryan said.
“NO BUTS!” shouted Dr. Brad.
We all giggled because Dr. Brad said “but,” which sounds the same as “butt” even if it’s spelled differently.* Any time a grown-up says “but,” you should giggle. That’s the first rule of being a kid.
6
The War to End All Wars
The next morning, I brought Striker Smith to school with me. He’s a superhero action figure from the future who travels through time and fights bad guys with a sword that’s attached to his hand. Striker Smith is cool. He can turn into a jet plane and fly, too.
One time on the school bus I tied a string to Striker Smith’s leg and threw him out the window so he could fight bad guys who were attacking the bus. But Striker fell under the bus and got decapitated. That’s a fancy way of saying his head came off. I was really sad. The good news is that I got a new Striker Smith for Christmas.
Michael brought in a Chewbacca action figure from Star Wars. Ryan brought in Megatron, who is a Transformer who fights in the epic battle between the Auto-bots and Decepticons. Neil the nude kid brought in Private Gunn, who is a helicopter assault trooper who can breathe underwater. He comes with an attack dog and a deluxe blowtorch.
Action figures are cool.
The girls, of course, brought in their Barbies.
“This is Ballerina Barbie,” Andrea said when we all met outside Room 104. “Isn’t she lovely?”
“Oh yes!” said Emily. “Do you like my Circus Star Barbie?”
“I brought in Ponytail Barbie,” said Annette.
“I brought in Wedding Barbie,” said Julie.
Ugh. Just listening to girls talk about Barbies made me want to throw up. But soon Dr. Brad arrived. He unlocked the door and let us into his office.
“Zeez are very nice toys you have,” he told us.
“Why did you tell us to bring them to school?” asked Andrea.
“I vant you to trade toys vis each uhzer,” he said.
Huh?
“I vant each boy to geeve your favorite toy to a girl,” said Dr. Brad, “and each girl to geeve your favorite toy to a boy.”
“What?!” I said. “I’m not giving a girl my Striker Smith!”
“Zees vill help each of you relate to others,” Dr. Brad said. “Geeve it a try, A.J. Just for a few minutes.”
“Here, Arlo,” Andrea said, “you can play with my Barbie.”
Andrea held out her Barbie to me. I backed away like she was holding up a dead rat. I didn’t want to touch the thing.
“Ugh!” I shouted. “Barbie germs!”
“Don’t be silly,” Dr. Brad said. “Zees vill be fun!”
He took our action figures and gave them to the girls. He took the Barbies and gave one to each of us guys.
“I’m not playing with a doll,” I announced.
“You already do, Arlo,” said Andrea. “Action figures are just dolls for boys.”
“They are not,” I said.
“Are too.”
We went back and forth like that for a while until I finally had to say “R2D2.” Any time somebody says “are too,” you should say “R2D2.” That’s the first rule of being a kid.
“You better not break our action figures!” Ryan warned the girls.
“You better not break our Barbies!” said Andrea.
“SHTOP!” shouted Dr. Brad.
He led me and the guys across the hall to the conference room. Dr. Brad told us to play with the Barbies and he would come and check up on us in a little while. Then he left and closed the door behind him.
I looked at Michael. Michael looked at Neil. Neil looked at Ryan. Ryan looked at me. I looked at Barbie.
“I don’t want to play with Barbies,” said Neil the nude kid.
“Me neither,” said Michael.
“Hey,” I said, “I have an idea! Let’s have a Barbie war!”
“A.J., you’re a genius!” said Michael. “No wonder they want to send you to Dork School.”
Me and Michael put two Barbies on one end of the long table. Ryan and Neil put the other two Barbies at the far end.
It was time for war! The war to end all wars. The War of the Barbies!
There was just one problem. Barbies don’t come with weapons or anything cool that shoots. What fun are toys if they can’t shoot anything?
But that’s when I came up with the genius idea of the century. There was a box of rubber bands on the windowsill. I gave a handful of them to Neil, Ryan, and Michael.
The guys said I should get the No Bell Prize. That’s a prize they give out to people who don’t have bells.
“Ready! Aim! FIRE!” I yelled.
It was all-out war! Me and Michael and Ryan and Neil were going crazy. The air was thick with flying rubber bands.
“Die, Ballerina Barbie!” I shouted.
“Eat lead, Circus Star Barbie!” shouted Ryan.
“Ooooh! My Barbie has been hit!” shouted Neil.
“We might have to amputate her head to save her life!” shouted Michael.
Rubber bands were flying fast and furious when the most amazing thing in the history of the world happened.
The door opened.
Well, that’s not the amazing part, because doors open all the time. That’s what they do. They’re doors. But suddenly, Dr. Brad burst in.
“Vut’s going on in here?” he shouted. “I heard a lot of noise.”
“We’re fighting the ultimate battle of good versus evil,” I explained, “with Barbies.”
“Shtop it!” yelled Dr. Brad. “No more fighting!”
Dr. Brad was really mad. He made us pick up all the rubber bands.
“We’re sorry,” Ryan said.
“I hope zee girls did not treat your action figures
zuh same vay you treated their dolls!” Dr. Brad said as he led us back across the hall to Room 104.
And you’ll never believe in a million hundred years what we saw in Room 104.
Chewbacca was wearing a dress! He was holding a little purse and posed next to a little ironing board!
Private Gunn had a wig on his head, a little hair dryer in his hand, and pink ice skates on his feet!
Megatron had on a tutu, and wore bracelets on his arms!
And Striker Smith was wearing high heels!
“What did you do to our action figures?!” I shouted at the girls.
“We’re playing dress up,” said Annette.
“Doesn’t Striker Smith look adorable in turquoise heels?” asked Emily.
“We accessorized him!” said Andrea.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!
7
Love and Hate
Dr. Brad wasn’t very happy with the results of his toy-swapping experiment. When he asked if we learned anything from it, I said, “Barbies would be a lot less lame if they came with weapons.”
So I knew I was in trouble when we were back in class and an announcement came over the loudspeaker.
“Mr. Granite, please send A.J. to Room 104.”
“Oooooooooooooooooooooh!” everybody oooooohed.
“He’s probably gonna give you electric shocks,” Michael whispered to me. “I saw that in a movie once. Some doctor held these paddles against a guy’s head and shot a million volts of electricity through his brain. It was cool.”
I walked really slowly down the hall to Room 104. I didn’t want Dr. Brad to hold paddles against my head and give me electric shocks.
Well, when I got to Room 104, you’ll never believe in a million hundred years what Dr. Brad had on his desk.
Paddles!
“Are you going to give me electric shocks?” I said, trembling with fear.
“No, no, no,” he replied. “Mr. Klutz asked me to play Ping-Pong vis him. He says it’s a great way to get rid of stress.”
Whew!
Dr. Brad told me to lie on the couch.
“Are you going to give me a monkey brain?” I asked.
“No, no, no!” he said. “Vee are going to play a leetle game. I vant you to close your eyes, A.J. Ven I say a verd, I vant you to say zee first verd zat comes into your mind. Okay?”
“Okay,” I said, closing my eyes.
Dr. Brad: “Fast”
Me: “Slow”
Dr. Brad: “Up”
Me: “Down”
Dr. Brad: “Skinny”
Me: “Fat”
Dr. Brad: “Bad”
Me: “Good”
Dr. Brad: “Hard”
Me: “Soft”
Dr. Brad: “Love”
Me: “Andrea—I mean, hate”
“Aha!” said Dr. Brad.
“What?” I said, opening my eyes. “What did I do?”
“You said ‘Andrea’!”
“So?” I asked.
“Before zat moment, you vere saying opposites to every verd, A.J. Zen, ven I said ‘love,’ you said ‘Andrea.’”
“Well,” I explained, “that’s because I hate Andrea. And hate is the opposite of love, so Andrea is the opposite of love.”
“If hate is zee opposite of love, vy didn’t you just say ‘hate’ first?” asked Dr. Brad.
“I don’t know,” I said. “It just came out.”
Dr. Brad leaned over and stuck his face close to mine.
“A.J.,” he said, “are you in love vis Andrea?”
“No!” I said. “I already told you! I hate Andrea! That’s why I said the word ‘Andrea’ when you said ‘love’!”
“Maybe you just say you hate Andrea to hide zee fact zat you really love Andrea. Hmmmmmm? Isn’t zat possible, A.J.? Boys sometimes tease girls zay like. Perhaps if you vould simply admit zat you really deep down inside love Andrea, zee two of you could get along better. No?”
“No!” I shouted. “It’s not true! I don’t love Andrea! Why are you asking me these questions? I thought you just wanted to find out if I was a genius.”
“A.J.,” he said, leaning his face even closer to me, “I zink zat now vee are getting somevere.”
8
Take Me to Your Leader
I don’t love Andrea! I don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t!
Boy, when you say the word “don’t” over and over again, it really sounds weird.
Dr. Brad took a shiny metal thing out of his desk drawer. It was attached to a string, and he dangled it in front of my face. He began swinging it back and forth.
“A.J.,” Dr. Brad said, “I vant you to look at zees very closely.”
“Why?” I asked.
“Do you know vut hypnosis ees?” asked Dr. Brad.
Sure I knew what hypnosis was. I saw it on TV once. This hypnotist guy had some lady stare at a shiny watch, and he put her in a trance. Then he made her dance around like a chicken, and everybody laughed.
“Are you gonna hypnotize me?” I asked.
“Isn’t zees shiny?” Dr. Brad said. “Stare at it as it svings back and forth. Your eyelids are feeling a leetle heavy, no?”
“Heavy…” I mumbled.
“Stare at zee shiny object as it svings back and forth…back and forth…back and forth,” said Dr. Brad. “You are feeling sleepy, A.J., no?”
“Sleepy…” I mumbled.
“Stare at zee shiny object as it svings back and forth…back and forth…back and forth,” said Dr. Brad. “Soon you vill be in a hypnotic trance.”
“Trance…” I mumbled.
“You vill do everyzing I say,” said Dr. Brad.
“Everything you say…” I mumbled.
“And ven I snap my fingers, you vill vake up,” said Dr. Brad.
“Wake up,” I mumbled.
The truth is, I was totally yanking Dr. Brad’s chain. I wasn’t in a trance. I wasn’t hypnotized for a second. I was just playing along.
“I am from the planet Zorg,” I said in my best robot voice. “Take me to your leader.”
Then I got up off the couch and danced around like a chicken.
“Most amusing, A.J.,” said Dr. Brad. “I knew you vere not in a trance all along.”
“How did you know?” I asked.
“Eet ees very hard to hypnotize geniuses,” Dr. Brad said.
“Oh no!” I said. “Does this mean I’m a genius? Are you gonna send me to Dork School?”
“Time vill tell,” he replied. “I vill complete my report at zee end of zuh day. You vill know first zing in zee morning. You can go back to class now.”
9
The Greatest Moment of My Life
By the time Dr. Brad let me go, it was afternoon recess. I ran over to join the guys on the playground.
“So, did Dr. Brad give you electric shocks?” asked Michael.
“Did he take out your brain?” asked Ryan.
“Nah,” I told them, “he tried to hypnotize me, but it didn’t work. Hypnosis is way overrated. Dr. Brad said that geniuses are really hard to hypnotize.”
Andrea and her girly friends were listening to us, as usual.
“I bet it would be really hard to hypnotize me then,” said Andrea.
“Oh, I could probably hypnotize you in a minute,” I told Andrea.
“Could not!”
“Could too!”
We went back and forth like that for a while. Finally, Andrea dared me to try and hypnotize her. I told her I would need a shiny object, so she took off her necklace and handed it to me.
“This is really shiny,” I said. “Stare at it as it swings back and forth.”
“Okay,” Andrea said.
I swung the necklace in front of Andrea’s face.
“Are your eyelids feeling heavy?” I asked.
“Heavy…” Andrea mumbled.
“Stare at the necklace
as it swings back and forth…back and forth…back and forth,” I told Andrea. “Are you feeling sleepy?”
“Sleepy…” she mumbled.
“Stare at the shiny necklace as it swings back and forth…back and forth…back and forth,” I told Andrea. “Soon you’ll be in a trance.”
“Trance…” she mumbled.
“Hey, I think it’s working,” Michael said. “Look at her eyes. She’s in a trance!”
“No she’s not,” I said. “She’s just faking it. That’s what I did.”
“I don’t like this, A.J.,” said Emily. She looked like she was going to cry, like always.
“You will do everything I say,” I told Andrea. “You will believe everything I say.”
“Everything you say…” Andrea mumbled like a robot.
“You will listen only to me,” I told Andrea.
“Only to you…” she mumbled.
“And when I snap my fingers, you’ll wake up,” I told Andrea.
“Wake up,” she mumbled.
“A.J., you’re gonna get in trouble,” Ryan said. “She’s like, in another world.”
“Relax,” I whispered. “I’m just having a little fun.”
“It doesn’t look like fun to me,” whined Emily.
“You will believe anything I say,” I told Andrea.
“Anything you say…” she mumbled.
“You’re a big dumbhead,” I told Andrea.
“I’m a big dumbhead…” she mumbled.
“Oh, snap!” said Ryan. “She’s gotta be in a trance if she would say that!”
“That’s mean!” Emily said. “Wake her up, A.J.!”
“You hate school,” I told Andrea.
“Hate school…” she mumbled.
“Following rules is for losers,” I told Andrea.
“Following rules is for losers,” she mumbled. This was fun!
“You’re a bad kid,” I told Andrea.
“I’m a bad kid…” mumbled Andrea.
Making Andrea say she was bad was hilarious. This was the greatest moment of my life.
“Your feet smell like rotten cabbage,” I told Andrea.
“Stop fooling around, A.J.!” Neil said. “It’s almost time to go back inside. You better wake her up before the bell rings.”
