Shock flew in waves as his words reverberated through the room. Never before had she heard her father speak that way to her mother. Never before had he interfered with one of mother’s lectures.
Face slack, she turned to her husband. “Ben?”
His voice softer, but no less stern, he said, “I’ve heard enough of your speaking so harshly to our Gretta.” After a pause he added, “Perhaps you should go collect yourself.”
Though her mother said nothing more, her displeasure was evident in every step out of the room.
Gretta held her breath as her father took one of the kitchen chairs, gesturing for her to take one, too. When she obediently sat, she waited expectantly. What was he going to say? Would he, too, chide her for not procuring Joshua’s marriage proposal?
“I heard much of what your mother and you said,” he finally murmured after examining her for a good long moment. “Your mother and I want the same thing, daughter. We both want you to be happy.”
“I don’t think so.”
“I’m tellin’ the truth, I promise.”
“Daed, you heard what she said.”
“I did.” His eyes so patient and kind, he continued. “She thinks you and Joshua are meant to be together, that’s all.”
“What do you think?” she asked slowly.
“I just want you to be happy. That’s all.” Ever so slowly, he held his arms to her.
Almost as slowly, she stepped forward and hugged him. Oh, but her daed was so solid, and so strong. Always his arms had felt stronger than anyone else’s. Always he’d seemed taller and better than anyone else.
Though he and her mother had had their share of troubles, she still needed his support. Tears escaped and fell to his shirt as she closed her eyes and let herself just feel. And be loved. “I’m sorry,” she said, though she wasn’t sure what she was sorry for…the words to her mother? The fact that Joshua wanted more time?
The fact that she wasn’t—and never could be—as good as her sister Beth?
“I’m sorry I didn’t mind my tongue better.”
“It will be all right, daughter,” he murmured. “You’ll see. Our Lord God works in mysterious ways, there’s no doubt of that. One day we’ll wake up and realize everything has been taken care of.”
Gretta did believe that the Lord would help her, but she also feared she’d not been understanding some of the things He’d been wanting her to.
All her plans felt hard to catch, like they were flying away, and too small and fragile to grab ahold of. “But I don’t know what to do, Daed.”
After another squeeze, he stepped back from her and, like when she was a child, ran one rough finger under her eye, taking her tears with it “Sur gut, jah?”
Instead of feeling reassured, she only felt more confused by his words. “Why is it good?”
“Because only our Lord knows what to do. We just have to listen.”
Warily, she looked toward the basement door, where she heard her mother bustling about doing the laundry. Oh, but her mother was in a state. When the loud thud of water hitting the wash bin wafted up the stairs, she bit her lip. “I don’t know what to say to Mamm.”
To Gretta’s surprise, instead of looking angry her father chuckled. “She’s in a temper, but she’ll calm down soon enough.” He waved a hand. “Go on, now. You tell her that you’ll help with dinner, just like always. That’s enough.”
Feeling like she was on her way to the gallows, Gretta stepped toward the staircase and did as she was bid. No, she didn’t know what things the future had in store for her.
But she did know some things. No matter what tomorrow brought, today she needed to be a good daughter. And that involved saying she was sorry to her mother and asking how she could help.
It was what was expected of a good Amish daughter. And that was something she would always try to be.
“So, Joshua, perhaps you could talk to us all about your new friendship with the Englischer next door.” Elsa Graber announced at dinner on Thursday evening. “It seems to me that perhaps there is more to your friendship with the girl than I realized.”
In unison, all seven of the kids set their knives and forks down. At the head of the wide oak table, their father paused in mid-chew. Though their mother’s tone and language was calm, there was an unmistakable note of force in it. She most certainly did not bring up the topic by chance. She wanted some information, and wanted it sooner than later.
Peeking to his right, Josh caught Caleb’s eye. Perhaps something had occurred to bring such an announcement on that he didn’t know about. Maybe Caleb had stayed out too late the evening before? His brother was surely enjoying his rumspringa. Sometimes a mite too much, Joshua felt.
But if Caleb knew, he wasn’t telling. He simply looked right back at him and shrugged.
After another moment of surprised silence, their father spoke. “What is worrying you, Elsa?”
Carefully arranging her silverware on her plate, she shrugged. “I’m not worried…I’m merely interested in Joshua’s life. There’s nothing wrong with that.”
While Judith coughed into her napkin, Carrie, Anson, and Caleb studiously began eating again. Everyone knew from experience that once their mother was determined to find out something, nothing was going to sway her.
“What did you want to know about me and Lilly, Mamm?”
For a moment, she looked taken aback by his direct question. Then she sat up a bit straighter. “For one thing, I’m curious as to why you’re going riding around with Lilly and her brother now.”
“It was snowing outside, Mamm. The only reason I got home at all was because Charlie and Lilly Allen gave me a ride.” Unbidden, he felt his cheeks heat up. He was starting to feel like Anson. All of nine and under constant surveillance.
“It was snowing something awful,” Judith agreed. “It took Daed and I twice as long as usual to get here.”
“I bet it was mighty nice, riding in a truck like that.” Caleb shook his head in regret. “I knew I should’ve stayed longer at the store. Then I could’ve ridden with the Allens in the truck.”
“I had a feeling you were gonna say that,” Joshua said. “Charlie mentioned he’d be happy to take you for a ride whenever you wanted one.”
Pure glee entered his brother’s features. “I’ll be wantin’ one soon.”
Farther down the long bench, Anson piped up. “I want to see it, too.”
Caleb rolled his eyes. “Well, we know that ain’t gonna happen. You’re way too small.”
“It might. I’m friends with Ty Allen. I am.”
“I’m sure you are but that don’t mean much,” Caleb chided.
Deliberately, their mother cleared her throat. “I don’t think we need to worry about the Allens’ truck anymore. It’s not likely any of you will be going for rides in it.”
“Why not?” Caleb asked. “We went in the Wilson’s car from time to time.”
“It was different, accepting rides from the Wilsons. They did not have children your age.”
“But I like Ty,” whined Anson. “What’s wrong with him, Mamm?”
“Not a thing. It’s just that they’re English.”
“I know that.” Pushing his plate away, Anson looked like he might cry. “I know Ty’s English. But I still like him.”
“I know you do. And I’m glad you and Ty Allen get along, but we mustn’t become too close,” their mother warned. Measuring each of them a stern look, she added, “We just have to be careful that we don’t let our feelings run out of control.”
Josh had had enough. Impatiently, he swung his gaze to the opposite end of the table, to where their father had been carefully eating his canned peas. “Daed, what is the problem with the Allens?”
After a moment’s reflection, his father answered. “Your mother—”
“Frank!”
Their father blushed. “I mean to say, we don’t want you getting too tempted by their ways.”
Caleb frowned. “By what ways? By their English c
lothes?”
“By everything. It’s mainly you teenagers I’ve been thinking of,” their mother said, looking hard at Joshua, Judith, and Caleb. “It’s my duty to keep a close eye on you.”
“I’m a bit old for that, don’tcha think?” Joshua asked.
“I would think so, but you’ve sure been taking your time about joining the church.”
That statement made him uncomfortable. “I said I’d get baptized soon.”
“But you’ll never say when.” His mother’s chin went up. “Until you do, I don’t think you should be doing things with the English, Joshua.”
“I wasn’t doing things with them. I was accepting a ride home. If I hadn’t, I would have walked home in the snow. Is that what you wanted?”
“It is a blessing that Charlie drove you in his truck. But what if accepting such things leads to something more?”
“Such as?”
Her chin went up. “Such as thinking about the outside world.”
“Mamm—”
“Joshua, I heard you told Gretta that you wouldn’t be seeing her for a while.”
“Who told you that?” He turned to his sister. “Judith, was it you?”
“No it was not.”
Elsa glared at Judith. “But you knew.”
“Yes.”
“What did she say to that?” Caleb wanted to know. “Did she cry?”
The dinner was getting more uncomfortable by the moment. Joshua tried to stem the flow of words. “Mamm, I canna believe that we are discussing such things. And at the table, too. Me and Gretta is nobody’s business but our own.”
Judith rolled her eyes. “That’s like sayin’ the sky only belongs to the person standing underneath it! Your business is our business, brother. And even if it wasn’t, why we’d make it our own.” Without stopping for breath, she leaned forward. “Now, then. What is wrong with you and Gretta?”
“Nothing.”
“I think there is. Gretta’s kin are saying there is quite a bit wrong with the two of you. They’re saying you are no longer calling on her.”
“That is true.”
“I wish you would have let your mother know that,” his father said.
“Fine. If you all want to know everything, I will share it all with you. A few weeks ago, I asked Gretta for some time to think about things before we got more serious.”
“You’ve known her for years, son.” His father scrunched up his face. “For what do you need more time?”
“Time to think about things, that’s what.” In spite of himself, Joshua looked around the table at everyone and hoped his words would be understood. And that some advice would be given. “I’ve been restless. Feeling like I’ve had no say in my life.”
“Our Lord God has been directing your life,” Judith said. “You don’t need a say in it.”
Joshua was just about to find fault with that statement when he noticed his parents exchange amused glances. Ah, perhaps they weren’t quite as unaware of his struggles as he’d imagined.
“Your mother and I just want you to have a care for Gretta’s feelings,” his daed murmured. “It’s not her fault that you’ve grown restless.”
“I know that.”
After a moment, his mother smiled softly. “I am glad we talked about this. I know I, for one, am now feeling better.” With a scrape of the chair, his mother stood up. “Now then, I made a shoo-fly pie this morning. Who would care for a slice with some coffee?”
The little ones clapped in excitement. Even Caleb and Anson grinned. Quietly, Judith stood up to help. As she always did.
Joshua truly did appreciate their customs. He did. He couldn’t imagine not living the way his ancestors always had before him.
He just wanted some time to think on it. Closing his eyes, he silently gave thanks for the reprieve.
Chapter 9
Lilly didn’t know what to do when her dad got out the adoption book again while they were eating breakfast. No matter what time of day it was, thoughts about her future always seemed to make it into the conversation.
“You need to choose a family to take the baby, Lilly,” he said. “We can’t put this off much longer. People are waiting and trying to plan their lives.”
She stared at the plain cover of the loosely bound notebook. “I know that.”
Opening the book almost reverently, his voice softened as he flipped through the pages. “The other night when I couldn’t sleep I read through the whole thing. There are some really good people on these pages, Lilly. Their stories about trying to conceive are heartbreaking, and the steps they’ve taken to ensure that you will be treated with respect and gratitude is commendable. Please make a decision, or at the very least, narrow down your choices like we’ve asked you to.”
Lilly had read all the pages, too. She’d read every couple’s bio and looked at the pictures of their homes, their yards, even their pet dogs. But instead of being inspired, all she’d felt was a thick knot of dread forming in her stomach.
She didn’t know whether her anxiety came from having to make such an important choice, from knowing she was going to disappoint so many people…or from her most private reason of all. “It’s hard to choose, Dad.”
“I know, but it has to be done.” With a gentle smile, he said, “Lillian, I really think you’ll feel better once a decision has been made.”
He was right. There was so much tension in their family, things could only get better when she made a choice.
And, well, she had…but it wasn’t the choice her parents had ever wanted to consider. Slowly, she ventured, “Maybe I should just keep the baby.”
With a look of regret, he closed the book’s cover. “There’s more to keeping the baby than simply holding a sweet newborn. It’s a commitment of a lifetime.”
“I can be committed.”
“I know you can, honey. But please think about your future. Think about all the things you used to dream about doing. You won’t be able to fulfill those dreams with a baby in tow.”
When her dad said things like that, Lilly always wondered what her father had missed out on. What dreams did he have that were unfulfilled?
When the silence spread thick between them, he tapped the table. “Hey, remember when you wanted to fly planes?”
“I remember.” That had been a childish whim when she’d been twelve. For her dad to bring it up when she was trying to have a real, meaningful conversation with him felt like a slap in the face. “That was a long time ago, you know.”
“But it’s still a possibility. Right now, everything you’ve always wanted to do could happen. If you have a baby to take care of, though, things will change. You won’t be able to do half as much.”
“You and Mom always say you never regret having kids.”
“That’s different, and you know it.”
“Not really.”
“Lilly, your mother and I got married first. You are not married.”
“I know.”
“In addition, Mom and I planned to be together for the rest of our lives. We planned for children, too.”
“But you didn’t plan for Ty. Mom said he was a surprise.”
A flicker of pain crossed his face. “Ty was a surprise because your mother had two miscarriages. We didn’t think we could have any more children after you.”
The news made her dizzy. Somehow, learning that her parents had gone through monumental crises while she’d been oblivious to them made her uncomfortable. “I…I didn’t know.”
“Of course you didn’t, Lilly. And we didn’t tell you kids because we knew you didn’t need that burden. I’m only telling you now because I know what it’s like to want a baby and not be able to have one. I feel for those couples, Lilly,” he proclaimed, emotion thick in his voice. “Give that baby a chance.”
Now she felt ashamed and she didn’t even know why. Her mother’s miscarriages weren’t her fault. Yet, all the couples’ needs weren’t her problem either. “I’ll think about adoption again
.”
“Thank you.” His voice gentling, her dad squeezed her shoulder. “Before you know it, you’ll be going off to college and all this will just be a memory.”
That didn’t give her any comfort. She didn’t want to forget about the baby. And even though she and Alec were no more, she knew she’d never forget him either.
The kitchen felt stifling. Standing up, she took both their cereal bowls to the sink and rinsed them out. Looking at the clock, she mentally groaned. It was only nine thirty. She had a whole day in front of her with nothing to do. It was enough to slowly make her go crazy. “Dad, I’m going to go out for a little while, go take a walk.”
“It’s thirty degrees out. There’s still snow on the ground. You’ll need to dress warm.”
Here she was, having a baby, making decisions that were going to determine the rest of her life—and her father was worried she didn’t have enough sense to wear a coat. “It’s sunny, though. Listen, I really need to get out of here. I turned in my algebra homework and don’t have any assignments due for three days.”
“If you wait until this evening when I get home from work, I could go with you.”
“I need some time alone. You know I’m not used to being home all day, every day.”
Looking her over, he seemed to sense that she was at her wit’s end. “All right. But choose a family? Please?”
“I’ll try, Dad.”
She really did need to get away from the house. She especially needed to get away from that adoption book! No matter where she was, it seemed to appear in whatever room she was in.
She needed to escape the questions and the prodding and everyone who acted like she was the dumbest person in the room. After throwing on her mom’s roomy black wool coat and blue scarf and mittens, she walked down her driveway. From the moment the cool, crisp air fanned her face, she felt more relaxed and almost like herself.
Almost free. Chasing that feeling, she quickened her pace. In no time she was next to the hedge that divided their property from the Grabers’. She followed that to a well-worn path toward the river.
The winter grass crunched beneath her thick winter boots, sounding vaguely like broken glass as she walked along. As she quickened her pace, amazingly, her heart rate seemed to slow. Farther down, she spied a doe.
Winter’s Awakening Page 8
