“Stop your ridiculous self-pity! I’m trying to tell you that it’s not better for me! I need to see you, to know that you’ll try to be with me as long as you’re able. Are you really going to just…give up? After all of this? After all this time it took us to find each other. I thought I meant more to you than that.”
Something broke in Tavin’s gaze and he furiously kissed her lips. She responded immediately and she knew she had won. This time. “Emily you are everything to me, don’t say such things. Of course I’ll be here, as long as you want me to be. But I will understand if you realize this isn’t what’s best for you…because I know it’s not. I’ve been anything but unselfish in my actions. I’ve put you in the gravest of danger. I wish I had the willpower to leave you alone. But unfortunately I am a lot weaker than I had ever believed. Particularly when it comes to you.”
Tavin rubbed her cheek, and she leaned into him, smelling him, tasting him. How could she live the rest of her life without him…without this?
“But you need to go Emily. Take care of yourself, heal and I will see you when you fall asleep.” He whispered to her, leaving her with another soft kiss. Emily clung to his touch and clutched at his hand as he faded away. She came to, her hand still clasped tightly and the memory of his touch vibrant in her mind.
Chapter 32
Emily was lying in her bed, a bowl of soup untouched on her bedside table. She could hear her mother moving around down stairs in her attempt to show some maternal concern, though this time it appeared genuine.
She had come to outside, lying on the cold ground, her mother’s anxious face leaning over her. There were several other faces there too. Her mother had called an ambulance after finding her unconscious on the ground. The EMTs had rushed her to the hospital. The doctor said she had a minor concussion and that she should take it easy for a few days.
So here she was, lying in bed, pretending to read a fashion magazine while her mother clucked over her. Emily had never seen her mother so worried, particularly about her. Emily was slowly allowing herself to believe that perhaps her mother really had changed; maybe she was trying to start over.
Emily hadn’t seen her mother drink in weeks. Even though Emily continued to be unrelenting in her refusal to engage in any level of conversation, her mother still attempted to make dinner, ask her about her day and provide a constant presence where there had never been one before.
Jeremy had called when he found out about her accident and offered to bring her homework by after school. Sasha hadn’t called and that really hurt. Emily knew she had treated Sasha horribly but she thought her former best friend would have contacted her when she heard. The absence of her friendship felt like a void.
“Knock, knock.” Her mother poked her head into the room. Emily was surprisingly happy to see her. When her mother’s eyes weren’t bloodshot from booze, they were a beautiful brown, so much like her own. “Come in mom.” Emily motioned with her hand.
Her mother opened the door and carried in a glass of water and two Tylenol. She sat down on the bed and put the glass and pills beside the uneaten soup. “You're not hungry?” Her mother asked her. Emily shook her head. Emily studied her mom as she stirred the soup. Her mother had taken to wearing a more professional wardrobe. She seemed to be taking time to style her hair and she was actually wearing makeup properly and not like she smeared it on with a putty knife. The change was unbelievable.
The vanilla perfume she wore was nice and Emily found herself sniffing deeply. She enjoyed the smell; it was so different than the stale alcohol that used to permeate the air around her.
“Well you should try and eat something. Here take these; your head’s gotta be killing you.” Her mom put the two white pills in her hand and Emily tossed them into her mouth, swallowing them with a gulp of water. “Thanks mom.” Emily said and settled back onto her pillows.
Her mother sat there, watching her intently. Emily shifted uncomfortably. Her mother did that a lot now. Emily would find her mom looking at her, as if she were looking through her, at something that Emily couldn’t see.
“Um Mom, what is it?” She asked, breaking the prolonged silence. Her mother blinked and her eyes seemed to clear. She smiled at Emily and took the glass from her and put it back on the table. “Oh nothing.’ Just thinking.” She stood up and fixed the covers on the bed.
Emily suppressed a sigh; if that wasn’t bait for fishing she didn’t know what was. She might as well ask what her mother so clearly wanted her to ask. “Just spill mom. What were you thinking about? Obviously it’s something you want to tell me so stop beating around the bush.” Emily said impatiently. Her mother smiled at her. “There are times when you sound so much like Nan.” Her mother said wistfully. Her eyes glazed over and Emily knew she was thinking of her dead grandmother, the woman who ultimately raised both herself and her daughter. The woman she turned her back on.
“Mom.” She said abruptly, pulling her mother out of her reverie. She didn’t feel like some prolonged conversation right now. She was getting tired and all she wanted to do was sleep. Sleep and see Tavin.
“I don’t know Em. I just keep thinkin’ about that angel. What he said to me. And the more I’m paying attention, the more I see the darkness that’s around you.” Emily sighed loudly. Not this again. She didn’t need a religious lecture right now. Just because her mom had decided to swallow everything her new church told her, didn’t mean she had to.
Her mom put her hand up, silencing the protest that poised ready on her lips. “Emily. Listen to me. I know you don’t believe me about the angel. I get that, but what I’ve seen around you is real. There’s something trying to get at you and it scares me.” Her voice was so sincere and the absolution made Emily take pause. Trying to get her? Her mom shook her head, running her fingers through her hair in an anxious way. “Emily, I feel such…evil. There’s something that’s watching you. She’s waiting for you and I’m scared, really scared.” Emily froze. She? “What are you talking about mom?” She asked quietly.
Her mom shook her head and unhooked the cross that now dangled from her neck. “Please wear this. It'll make me feel better if you have it.” Emily hesitated. “Please Em. For me.” Emily let her mom clasp it around her neck and she felt it’s coolness in the hollow of her throat.
Emily had to admit, wearing it made her feel a little better. Her head felt a little clearer. Her mom seemed relieved and made to leave the room. “Mom.” She called out to her. Her mother stopped and turned around. “This darkness you see, why did you say she?” Her mother’s face had closed and she wasn’t expecting an answer, so she was surprised when her mother gave her one.
“I can feel her; she is full of hatred and rage. And it’s all directed towards you. She’s been following you, watching you closely. I see her in my dreams sometimes. She hates you Emily. You have something she thinks belongs to her. I think this is why the angel wanted me to come back.” Emily felt her core turn to ice at her mother’s words.
She had to talk to Tavin. He would know what was going on. “And you know Emily, that angel who came to me. He wasn’t there for me. He was there for you.” And with that she left the room, leaving more questions than answers.
********************
“Tavin.” She was so happy to see him again. When Emily had fallen asleep after her mom had left the room she briefly worried that maybe this time he wouldn’t be there. That he had finally disappeared. She recognized how truly happy she was to see him. That nagging fear still remained, tucked away in the back of her mind but it was less intrusive now. Emily wasn’t sure if she had accepted Tavin for what he was or she had just chosen to ignore that instinct that told her to run.
He smiled at her, a strained and painful one. Not exactly the response she expected from him. He was usually just as happy as she was to be together again. “Uh, did I come at a bad time?” She joked. They were once again in her bedroom and he sat rigidly at the window seat. The light filtering through the glass was hazy a
s if they were in the middle of a cloud.
Tavin’s smile this time was more genuine and he patted the cushion beside him. Emily hesitated only for a moment and then she was across the room. Her left side pressed into him. He leaned into her and inhaled her scent. How could Emily have ever thought of him as a typical boy? Everything about him screamed other. I mean, what boy sniffs the girl he's dating?
Of course she couldn’t really believe she was applying words like typical and normal to what existed between her and Tavin. “I didn’t mean to greet you so coldly Emily. I’m actually trying to control a lot of emotions right now. They aren’t easy to handle. When you are essentially numb to direct feeling for your entire existence, to suddenly feel things, especially when they are so intense is extremely overwhelming.” Emily looked up at Tavin and he did look as if he were trying to keep himself together, as if his guts were kept in place by a thread. He was so delightfully odd. So many things were new to him and at times it was like being with a toddler.
When she noticed his regained composure she asked him what had been bothering him. “I heard your conversation with your mother.” Tavin admitted. That made Emily take pause. He had heard their conversation. Wait…how did you? Are you always just, I don’t know…hanging around?”
Emily didn’t know how she felt about that. Was he around when she got out of the shower or when she changed? She felt a complete invasion of privacy and she didn’t like it one bit. Tavin grabbed her hand. “No wait a minute Emily. I don’t mean to spy on you. Honestly! I often go somewhere else when we’re not together. A different sort of place than this. But I’ll admit that I do pop in now and again while you’re awake. Going back and forth isn’t easy and it takes a lot of my energy so I can’t do it very often.” Tavin looked at her earnestly.
“But there are times I need to see you, need to hear your voice. Waiting for you to fall asleep is sometimes impossible. But I don’t watch you get dressed! I promise. I'm not some peeping tom, I swear!” He seemed sincere and she relaxed a bit. His sentiment was sweet, though sort of stalkerish.
Tavin relaxed his grip and now lightly held her hands, his fingertips rubbing the sensitive skin of her palms. It sent tingles up her arms and into the most secret parts of her body. But she wouldn’t allow herself to be distracted. She came here for answers. But it was hard to hold onto her waking thoughts here in this dream world. It was too easy to lose herself. Her waking self, as she had come to think of it, seemed so far away…another life.
But she felt the urgency for information and she couldn’t ignore her reasons for finding him. But first she had to know what upset him because she knew deep down it was connected to her own anxiety and worry.
“Okay, we’re going to shelve the spying thing for now. What about the conversation I just had with my mother upset you? Because your face was not a happy one when I arrived.” Tavin stood up, moving away from her.
“I heard what your mother told you…about her seeing darkness around you. I also heard about the angel.” “Do you believe she saw one?” She asked him. Tavin nodded. “Most certainly. They are watching you, just as my kind is watching you. I have unfortunately garnered you a lot of interest and for that I am sorrier than you can ever understand.” Tavin raked his fingers through his hair, standing it on end.
He began to pace the room like a caged tiger and Emily’s head hurt to follow his frantic movements. “Who’s watching me Tavin? Do I have more stalkers to worry about?” Grinning, Emily attempted to make light of this, knowing the gravity of her situation was about to slap her in the face- yet again.
“Emily…please be serious for a moment. Because I have chosen to not feed from you, my mother…Lilith is angry. I've always been her...favorite, I suppose. So she is in a bit of a rage.”
He sighed. “Her anger is unrelenting and merciless. And now it's focused on you.” She could hear the fear in his voice. That scared Emily more than anything else up to this point. His fear seemed to reinforce hers. Because the thought of his mother had caused Tavin to look absolutely terrified and that terrified Emily. What could possibly scare a demon except something beyond evil?
“What does she want Tavin?” Emily didn’t really want to find out the answer but like everything else so far, she knew she needed to know it. “To kill you of course.” He said almost flippantly. Emily could have slapped him for his blasé tone. “Oh is that all?” She asked sarcastically, standing up abruptly.
She turned her back to him, taking deep breaths to calm the trembling in her body. She felt his arms go around her but she resisted his touch. What else could she possibly deal with? “Emily, I will take care of Lilith. I won’t let her hurt you anymore. Once I’m gone you won’t have to worry about her anyway.” He seemed so sure of himself. Wait…hurt her anymore? “How has she hurt me already?” Emily demanded.
“She loves to taunt people. It’s part of the game for her. She pushes people to the brink of insanity. She um, gets off on it.” Tavin tightened his grip on her and pressed his face into her hair.
Suddenly it all made sense. The constant feeling that she was being followed, the voices, the hallucinations. Of course it explained a lot. Lilith was trying to kill her. How could Emily possibly fight the Queen of demons now that she had set her sights on her?
“But why is she messing with me if I’ve been marked by you?” Tavin sighed deeply. “Because she knows I won't kill you myself.’” He told her quietly. “So why does this bother her again?” Emily was having a hard time keeping up with the intricacies of demonic relationships. It was like some gothic soap opera.
“I told you I was the first Incubus. I was her first born and to her I was the ultimate testament of her power and her rejection of God and Adam. If I were gone, the hold on her power would be shaken. Lilith needs to feel omniscient; it’s what has helped her survive. And her obsession is absolute. She needs me as her constant reminder of victory.”
Obsession. That word again. “So she wants me to die so you’ll stick around. Because if I don’t, you will.” The cold reality of the situation sunk in. He wasn’t going to be around forever. They were destined to lose each other.
Tavin spun her around. “Everything that I am, everything that I have ever been is different. This isn’t supposed to happen for an Incubus. Demons are demons; they don't exactly fall in love.” Emily rested her hands on his chest and stared at him, willing herself to hear his words, though she was seriously close to freaking out again.
“I didn’t realize what I was missing, how what I was doing and how I was living was a shadow of what I could have, even for a moment.” The last of Emily’s resistance melted and their lips met.
He tasted the core of her and she felt her soul reach out to meet him. They were washed in brilliant light and settling warmth. It felt as if they were in a cocoon, where nothing could touch them.
The kiss stopped abruptly and the bubble around them burst. “Give me a moment Emily.” Tavin leaned against the wall, resting his forehead against its cool hardness. He looked winded and seemed to be struggling for breath.
She stepped behind him and put her hand on his heaving back. They stood that way for a moment, Tavin taking her strength into him and finally his breathing slowed and he seemed to compose himself. “This is getting so hard Emily. You have no idea how hard.” His voice was tired and Emily again felt a wrenching sadness.
There had to be something she could do. She couldn’t stand there and watch the boy she loved die. She had never been one to give up and she wouldn't start now.
Tavin turned around and rested his chin on the top of her head. His fingers found the skin at her neck and he traced the gold chain that lay there. The tip of his forefinger rested on the delicate cross. “I appreciate your mother's sentiment. If only it mattered.” He whispered.
Tavin led her to the bed and they lay down on top of the heavy comforter, ending any further discussion about Lilith and their uncertain future. Emily rested her head on his chest, again aware o
f the lack of heart beat. But this time its silence was almost comforting. Tavin’s hands traced smooth circles on her back and after a time she became aware of the light coming through the window brightening.
They continued to lie like that, tangled together as she slowly came back to consciousness and she lost him again to the day.
Chapter 33
He was alone, Emily once again back to the world in which she belonged. Away from her, his mind began to work furiously. So Lilith was after Emily. He had suspected as much but his preoccupation with Emily and his looming death made him blind to what was really going on. Which was stupid. He should have been more aware, for Emily's sake.
Tavin was scared. He could admit that. He was scared of what Lilith would do to her. His mother was capable of a lot of things.
But he couldn’t allow her to hurt Emily. He had to protect her from the others out there and he had to think of something fast. Tavin knew his relationship with Emily had become common knowledge. He thought he had been so careful, so safe in shielding Emily from the true dangers of his world. He hadn’t done a good enough job apparently.
Every time he thought he had it under control, he became more and more aware of how perilously close he was taking Emily towards danger. The angels were now aware of her as well and their interest worried him more than Lilith’s.
He needed answers and he needed them now. He couldn’t go to Lilith for them so he was stuck with how to solve this puzzle on his own. He decided to return to the Abyss. He needed to regroup, to figure out his next step. As much as he wanted to stay with Emily, to make sure she was okay, he needed to come up with a plan of action that would ensure her continued safety, even after he was no longer there to do it himself.
Upon arrival, Tavin was immediately aware of an unnatural stillness. The dusky air was heavy and oppressive. There was no echo of demonic presence, which was extremely unusual. Normally he could feel the vibrations of his brothers. Not today.
Irresistible Fear Page 22
