"Don't mind me, darling. As usual, I'm trying to claw my way out of a huge mess."
"Is there a time limit?"
"As always!" he said, with a wry smile. "If I'm late, a world goes to pieces. Not too much pressure there. But every miracle has a price!"
"Do I get to come in?"
He was so wasted that he hadn't even noticed that they had been locked in a frozen tableau that didn't seem able to move past his threshold. He made a grand gesture of inviting the lady to enter his bedchamber.
"I miss you," she said.
"I miss me, too," he said. She looked puzzled. He wasn't sure himself what he meant. He was still coming out of the trance.
"I wish we had time together," she said.
"By the Lords of Kobol, I wish that I could stop time in its track!
Time is always the enemy. There's no way to beat it. And I can't find the wisdom to surrender with grace."
She placed her palm on his head. "You feel a bit warm. Maybe you have a fever."
He took her hand and placed it on his mouth where he kissed the palm. "No time for anything small and personal. We have to deal with big things; always big, bigger, biggest!"
"Are you sure that you're all right?"
He gave her a hug. "Thank you for being you," he said. "You always mean what you say. You'd never believe how many people ask those words that just came out of your lovely mouth and don't mean anything by it. You are a good person and like most good people you don't even understand what most people are like."
"I don't get what you're driving at," she admitted.
"Exactly. When most people ask if you're all right they assume a positive answer. Anything else means they will put as much distance between themselves and you as possible. They only ask the question to make certain that you won't be causing them a problem."
She patted him on the cheek. "You're in a rare mood. Even with you like this, I wish we could spend more time together."
"Well, now you know why my father was alone most of his life. No one would put up with his impossible schedule."
She coughed as if her next words had been caught in her throat. "Apollo, tell me the truth. Do you want to be alone for the rest of your life?"
"No," he said softly, taking both her hands in his. "But I doubt that I have any other choice. Who wants to live with someone whose job is to be world savior? Baltar once told me that a woman would rather marry a villain than a hero because the bad guy is easier to predict and easier to control."
Cassie's gorgeous eyebrows shot up and stayed there. "I don't believe that Baltar is a good influence on you."
They laughed together.
"But seriously," he continued when they'd caught their breaths, "who is willing to love someone who rarely comes home and has to make his job more important than his relationship? Tell me Cassie, what woman should have to make that sacrifice?"
"A woman who's in love," she said.
"And who is a big enough fool to love a man like that?"
"I am," she said and her words were music to his ears even though he wanted to shut out the sweet sound.
"Are you absolutely sure?" he asked, hating to sound like a prosecutor in a criminal trial.
Cassie turned her back on him and ran her fingers over several of his books on the night table. "You forget that I've been alone most of my life as well. You know the kind of life I led. I've been alone because I've never found a man willing to love only me."
She turned and drilled him with her ice blue eyes. He wasn't getting out of this one.
"Are you that man?" she asked, moving closer. "Could you love me and only me for the rest of your life?"
Gazing deeply into her eyes, Apollo could be having another telepathic experience. He could see a lifetime of heartache and frustration. One perfect tear fell from her right eye as she waited a seeming lifetime for Apollo to speak.
Words had never taken so long to find their voice. As he opened his mouth she placed a hand over his mouth and hushed him. "Take your time," she said. "You need to think about this. Wait until you know for certain! I couldn't take you saying yes just because you think you should."
He nodded and let her feel his smile grow on the softness of her palm.
"Just remember this," she finished for both of them. "No matter what you decide, I'll always be here for you. I love you too much to let pride get in the way. I'm your friend."
He gently removed her hand so that they could kiss. The kiss lasted a long time.
Athena leaned back in her chair and watched the stars. She liked them best when they were far away. Close up, they were suns with planets. That's where the trouble started. That's when you had to exercise judgment and try to take charge of destiny. As much as Athena liked to be in control, she was smart enough to understand the limitations of her own will.
At least she understood her limitations when the subject was at the macro level. Every good leader realized finally how much was up to chance no matter how good his plan and how carefully he delegated authority. Athena understood these things as well.
It was on the personal level where her portions of wisdom deserted her. And when her emotions were out of control, she was at greatest risk. Such as now, when Starbuck joined her on the bridge. Her body gave an involuntary start as he interrupted her reverie. He figured that wasn't a good sign and began to make a hasty retreat, but it was too late.
She had forgotten the stars in the sky because there were stars in her eyes for Starbuck. And as usual, the recognition of how she felt about him only pissed her off.
"Where are you going?" she asked without preamble.
For one micron he wished he was back on Paradis facing the guns.
"Uh," he said. "Ah."
"Why are you trying to avoid me?" she demanded.
"I'm not," he said, continuing to sidle toward the door.
"Then why are you moving away from me? Do you .think I'm an idiot?"
"It's not what you think," he said, even as he continued to drift away. "I just thought I would take care of a few things before Apollo and Boomer arrive."
"What things?" she demanded to know.
Starbuck tried to think of something to say, but his mouth opened and closed like a fish out of water.
Athena had no trouble getting words out. "Starbuck, I'm a big girl now so don't think you can snow me! You've been avoiding me for months. Every time we have a chance to get together you always find an excuse to be somewhere else."
Instantly he thought of an excellent response. He imagined telling her in a voice dripping with sarcasm that he was deliberately avoiding her by placing himself in jeopardy, facing all sorts of planetary dangers. Yeah, he could say that and she's be surprised for a moment. Then she'd make him pay.
Not everyone appreciated that discretion is the better part of valor. Starbuck kept his mouth shut and kept moving toward the door.
Athena was more than happy to do both parts of the conversation. "Let's get fracking honest here. What's going on? Are you running out on another relationship? That's your style, isn't it? Don't bother giving me the old Starbuck charm. I'm immune. I know you too well, Starbuck! Damn it, come back here!"
He stopped for a moment, gauging that he was at a safe distance. "You're right, Athena," he said. "I've got to admit that you're right. I am avoiding you and I don't really know why."
"You bastard!"
"All right, stay calm now. Maybe I know why. I'm just not as eloquent in expressing my feelings."
"You are a bastard."
His feet were beginning to move again. "It's just that I'm not used to someone pressuring me all the time."
"How dare you say I pressure you! Take that back."
"You have many sterling qualities. You are one of the most beautiful women in the universe, and smart. Oh, you're very smart."
"I should feed you into the reactor," she said, but her voice was losing its shrill edge. She was getting tired.
"But you must admit that
you require a lot of attention. I can truthfully say that you are the most demanding woman I've ever met. Why, Cassie would never—"
No sooner were the words out of his mouth than he regretted them. Why had he mentioned the name of the other woman? Athena was the sort who lacked a certain reasonableness when it came to the other woman.
"Cassie?" she echoed the name back at him as the shrillness returned to her voice. In the span of a few gasping breaths she had recharged herself.
"What about her?" Starbuck made a feeble and desperate attempt to get out of it. Athena almost laughed at his deep inadequacy.
"If you think I'm going to put up with what Cassie has had to deal with for the past twenty yahren, you're out of your mind. When are you going to grow up, Starbuck! How do you stand to look at yourself in the mirror—or is that your true love affair?"
Flashing through his mind was a vision of what a wonderful companion Athena would be if gagged, and maybe tied up as well. Yes, tying her up might be an expedient thing to do at times like this.
He tuned back in to hear what she might be saying now as he'd lost the train of her argument during his reverie. She was saying, "You are a woman's worst nightmare! And my brother Apollo is not too far behind! What is it with you guys? You have the balls to put your lives on the line every day, never knowing if you're going to come home. Yet you don't have the courage to love someone completely. Do you know what I think?"
He would pay handsomely not to find out.
"I think that's the true test of courage. To really open your heart and love someone with everything you've got. No games, no fracking lies or manipulations, just absolute love, you son of a bitch!"
He marveled at her ability to make the word love sound like a dire threat. In some utterly bizarre way they did understand each other.
"How about it, Starbuck? Do you have the balls to love someone completely?"
She stopped talking. He waited. Still, she didn't speak. He counted to ten. Still nothing. That's how he finally realized that she had not asked a rhetorical question. She really wanted an answer.
He resolved to be so mature that she wouldn't recognize him. Only a few moments ago he had resisted the impulse to be sarcastic. Now he would respond in a calm and mature manner.
He opened his mouth and out came: "Look who's talking, you crazy bitch! When the hell did you ever have the courage to love anyone yourself?"
She opened her mouth and was as stuck for an answer as he was. "You," she whispered.
"What?"
"You, Starbuck. I love you. I love you with all my heart! I've been afraid for months to admit it to myself. I didn't want to get hurt. But now it doesn't matter any longer. I've got nothing to lose. I'm in pain because I finally realized that I love you more than anyone I've ever loved in my entire life."
Outside the battlestar was the silence of outer space. But the silence beyond the hull was not deeper than the silence on the bridge as Starbuck digested what she had confessed to him.
"So what are you going to do about it?" she asked.
Starbuck attempted rising to the occasion. "I'm impressed with your honesty. I'm flattered. It takes a lot of guts to expose your feelings that way."
"And?"
"I'm going to get some ambrosa and think this over."
That shocked her sufficiently that he made his escape. Never once did a rather obvious idea cross his mind, something that she would stress over all night long:
"Why didn't he take me with him for that damned drink?"
Chapter Nineteen
Caran was thinking a lot about Koren lately. Although he annoyed her, she had to admit there was something about him she preferred over her other friends. And truth be told she didn't have all that many genuine friends. She suspected that Koren was a loner like her.
She liked to go out in the woods and play by herself. Her parents had built a home that wasn't very far from one of the Gamon villages. She loved to sneak up on it and pretend that she was spying. They were always nice to her and she was polite in return. As an only child, she talked to her parents more than others her age. Her mother insisted that she not cause trouble with the Gamon. At first her parents had been nervous about living this close to the natives but the passage of time had changed their attitude.
When Caran came down with a virus, a Gamon visited them with herbs that cured the fever. The family had done nothing to contact anyone about Caran's illness. They had no idea how the natives even knew of the girl's ailment. Somehow they found out that she needed help and provided it.
Later, Caran brought a basket of food to the village that was accepted with great fanfare. Most of the food consisted of local crops that the Gamon had in abundance; but a small portion of it was canned goods and kirasolis, her favorite sweet, from fleet supplies that had been doled out when Colonials first came to the planet.
The Gamon seemed to appreciate it.
Today, Caran remembered all this and wished she could tell Koren about it. She had a feeling of adventurous expectancy. The air was fresh and birds flew everywhere. The gigantic insects that filled the air with perfume were in abundance. She'd been afraid of them at first until she found out that they were as harmless as skreeters.
It was a perfect day.
She returned to her favorite vantage point where she had an unobstructed view of the village. At first everything seemed normal but then she saw other Colonials sneaking up on the village. They were behaving as if they were doing a military exercise but they weren't warriors. They wore nondescript civilian clothes.
At first it seemed as if they were playing a children's game, the same as she did every day. But then she saw that they had a device with them. They turned on a switch and crept back into the woods.
She stayed where she was until the men were out of sight. Then curiosity got the better of her. Maybe the Colonials had left a gift for the natives the way that Caran liked to bring presents. But it could be a long time before the Gamon noticed the object on the outskirts of the village.
Caran thought this a propitious moment to investigate. She descended the hill. She felt the sun on the back of her neck. She tasted a sweet breeze wafting up from the village.
By the time she was close enough to see that the package was a solonite bomb, there was nothing she could do. The time had run out and she heard the whirring sound warning of immediate detonation. Not even a bomb disposal expert could have done anything.
She was more sad than angry. Her last conscious thought was of Koren.
Back in space aboard the Galactica, efforts were being made to stop something already begun.
Athena was steaming after her encounter with Starbuck. She was doing her best to get back in the saddle so she would be of use helping out with the current crisis.
By the time Apollo and Tigh arrived, she had succeeded in regaining her self control. She didn't show a flicker of resentment when Apollo asked about Starbuck's whereabouts.
"He had important business that came up right before you arrived," she said.
Apollo frowned. "He should be here. I would have liked both Starbuck and Boomer to be present, but at least Boomer's absence is unavoidable. We'll have to proceed without them."
"I agree," said President Tigh. "Our options are fast dwindling to nothing."
The two men filled in Athena on the horrific Council meeting. Then Tigh summed up the situation:
"If the Gamon don't retreat from New Caprica City they will be forced to do so by any means at our disposal. The weapons of the Galactica will target them both in their territory and in ours."
"That's madness," said Athena.
"I don't disagree," said Tigh, "but that is the decision we are forced to implement."
"I won't give the order," said Apollo.
Tigh shook his head. "I was afraid that would be your attitude. But under those circumstances, you'll be removed."
"What if I refuse as well?" asked Athena.
Tigh placed a large, warm hand
on her narrow shoulder. "I understand, Athena, but the situation is unaltered."
The warriors stood at attention. The respect shown him was not lost on the president, who prized his own military background. He missed the days when they had been true comrades. Sometimes he thought he would give up everything to have those days again—even abandoning his beloved estate on Paradis.
"I don't want either of you to lose your command," he insisted. "That would mean control of the fleet would fall entirely into the hands of the Council."
"What can we do?" asked Apollo.
Tigh shook his head. "I haven't a clue. Ryis has the Council approving anything he does. I'm not sure who is dominant in the relationship between him and Sire Opis but they act as one. Sire Opis would make Ryis president if he could."
Athena shuddered. "You mean matters could get worse?"
"Much worse. They may call new elections soon to get rid of me. Then I won't be able to exercise the meager influence I continue to have simply by holding office."
"Things can get worse!" marveled Apollo.
"Please think about the situation carefully," Tigh advised his two friends. "Our future, the fleet's future, maybe even the fate of our entire people hangs in the balance."
Apollo struck a fist into his palm. The circumstances were untenable. More than anything he hated the false choice of damned if you do, damned if you don't!
He stated his position. "We have to find some other way out of this. I will not give orders to harm one innocent Gamon life!"
"If you can't make some tactical sacrifices, all is lost," came the voice of bitter experience from a worn-out president. Tigh did not like having to spell it out.
Athena couldn't believe it. How did they find themselves in such a mess? There had to be a way out.
She put her hand on her brother's shoulder. "I love you, Apollo, but I do not intend to turn over control of the fleet to those fools on the Council. I will do whatever I must to preserve our position of leadership."
"Do what?" he asked, studying her eyes.
Battlestar Galactica-05-Paradis Page 20
