by Luke Young
“Maybe.” Anne crossed her arms over her chest. “I don’t know.”
“Please, I would really like to hear some good sex stories. You’re going to be my only unmarried friend and my only chance to hear about actual, exciting sex.”
Anne giggled. “That can’t be true. What about Cathy?”
“Cathy?” Melanie let out a humorless laugh. “She hasn’t gotten laid since Obama’s been in office.”
“Come on.”
“That’s what she told me,” Melanie said.
“Why don’t you try to improve your own sex life and not focus on everyone else’s?”
“You’ve met my husband, right?” Melanie asked sarcastically.
“Still, you married him. You love him. So, go home and have sex with him.”
“Do I have to?” Melanie whined.
“Yeah, I’m pretty sure you do.” Anne placed her hand on Melanie’s arm and smiled.
5
Eli pulled on his khaki pants just as Kelly dropped her pajama bottoms on the bed. He watched her longingly, tilting his head, admiring her as she headed into the bathroom. Pulling a shirt from the closet, he slipped it on and began buttoning it as he stepped into the bathroom. “Hey, call me if they don’t show up to work on the pool again.”
She gave him a skeptical look as she slid the shower door closed. “What are you going to do?”
“I’ll call or…”
“Okay, yeah,” she muttered before moving under the spray of the shower.
Crossing the room, he admired her through the glass. He traced a finger on a door as if he were touching her. “So this is what you look like naked.”
Pulling away from the spray, she narrowed her eyes. “What?”
“I said, this is what you look like naked.”
“Stop.” She gave him a playfully irritated glare.
“You know, we really should have sex every once in a while.”
“I’ve been trying to work on our sex life.” She returned her head under the shower spray, working her fingers through her hair.
“Yeah, and Trump is working on cutting back on his tweeting,” he quipped.
Kelly pulled her head from the spray. “What?”
He said loudly, “I said, I know you’ve been working on it. I’m late.”
At the distribution center and headquarters for Ten and Under, a slightly upscale version of the dollar store model, Eli peered through the lobby door and paused a moment before going inside.
It’s not that he hated working for this company or that he hated doing this kind of computer work, it’s just that he didn’t feel appreciated. He realized that most people probably had the same complaint about their jobs. He was paid well and he told himself to get over it, but he never quite could. He forced a smile and headed to the second floor.
Sitting behind the desk in his office, Eli entered numbers into a spreadsheet as his cell phone rang. Spotting the name of his best friend from college on the screen, he answered the call. “Hey, Michael.”
“Dude, are you on the site?”
“What site?”
Michael said, “I sent you a link.”
“What?”
“Check your e-mail.”
“All right, hold on.” Eli clicked over to his e-mail window and opened the message from Michael Martin then double clicked on the link.
A wide angle, webcam feed appeared on his screen. A perfect summer morning at the beach. Two ridiculously fit, incredibly sexy young women lying face down on towels wearing tiny bikinis.
A little over six hundred miles away, Michael sat behind a large mahogany desk in his corner office. Wearing a headset, he grinned at his PC screen displaying the same image.
Eli asked, “What is this?”
Michael replied, “That site I told you about last week.”
“Yeah.”
“You’ve got to love the Internet.”
“Sure, it’s the best invention ever.” Eli chuckled. “So this is what you do all day.”
“I wish,” Michael replied. “I’ve got a deposition in thirty minutes.”
“Well, life can’t be all inappropriate websites. Hey, what happened last week?”
On screen one of the women reached around to undo her top.
“Oh, yes!” Michael exclaimed. “Last week?”
She moved the straps to the sides exposing her back.
“You don’t want those tan lines,” Eli began. “I mean New York.”
Michael replied, “No you don’t. Shit. Sorry man.”
“It’s got to be the fourth time we made plans and you didn’t show up.”
“Trip was canceled. When was the last time we actually saw each other?”
“Your bachelor party. What was it, like seven years ago?”
“Right and you skipped the wedding, you bastard.” Michael laughed.
“Sorry man. I was away.”
“You never met the ex-wife, did you?”
On screen three gorgeous women in thongs walked past the sexy sunbathers.
“Holy crap.” Eli gasped. “No, never did. So, your vacation house is really near this?”
“Yep, three blocks away. Hey, thanks for hooking me up with that investment. It’s flying. You get in?”
“No, not with the $100,000 minimum.”
The women still wearing a top turned over.
Michael said, “You should have come to law school with me.”
“And do all that studying. No way.”
“When we were roommates I remember you acing most of your classes, but I never actually saw you crack a book. The night before a final you were always at a bar.”
“I studied some.” Eli chuckled. “With my major, classes of five hundred students and the curve, I usually had my grade locked up before the final.”
“You could’ve used more of a challenge.”
“The challenge will be putting that top back on without getting arrested.”
“It doesn’t matter tops are optional.”
Eli asked, “What do you mean?
“It’s a topless beach.”
“Nice, but I’m not really seeing any evidence of that.”
“Patience,” Michael replied. “Hey, I’m off to celebrate the divorce. Starting tomorrow I’ll be away for a few weeks.”
On screen a man approached the women. He stood in front of them blocking the webcam view.
Eli whined, “Come on!”
Michael said, “Geez dude. Take off.”
“Are you going to this topless beach?”
“I wish. No, I’m heading to France.”
Suddenly, a topless woman walked into view then quickly disappeared off camera.
“Told you,” Michael said.
“Wow. And now I’ve violated the company Internet use policy.”
Michael said, “Hey, she looks like that chick I went home with the night before graduation?”
“You mean the one you stole from me?”
“You’re crazy.”
“I remember that I was talking to her. I went to get her a drink and when I got back you were all over her.”
Back in Eli’s office, his office phone line rang. “Shit, got to go. It’s my boss.”
“Later dude.”
Eli pressed a button on his phone. “Hey George.”
“Stop in my office when you have a minute.”
“Sure. Be right there.”
Eli got to his feet, headed over to the break room to refill his coffee mug then walked past rows of cubicles until he reached George’s large office. He poked his head through the door. “George.”
His boss wore an uneasy expression as he said, “Close the door.”
The forty-five-year-old vice president had been with the company for more than twenty years and was a good guy. Although Eli wasn’t enthralled with the job, he never had a bad word to say about his boss.
Eli sat in a chair in front of the desk and blew on his coffee before taking a sip. “What’s up?”
“Listen, I’ve got something to talk to you about. I need to. You see, the thing is…”
“What is it?”
George cleared his throat. “We’ve been friends a long time and been through a lot here.”
Eli gave him a withering look. “What’s going on? Are we going out of business or something?”
“No,” George began. “But, um, I, I’ve got to…”
“What?” Eli blew once again on his coffee mug, gazing with a tired expression over the top.
“I’ve got to let you go,” George said.
Eli narrowed his eyes. “Hey, I didn’t know that was a topless beach website. I swear.”
“What are you talking about?” George asked, perking up a bit.
“What?” Eli shook his head. “Sorry. Nothing.”
George moved to the edge of his seat. “What’s this topless website?”
“Forget it. What are you trying to tell me?”
George said, “Look, we’re letting you go and offering a generous—”
“You’re actually serious?”
“I am.”
“What the hell!” Eli snorted, placing his mug on the desk. “Why?”
“Remember the intern we had last summer?”
Eli chuckled. “The one who unplugged our main server and crashed the system.”
Smiling, George said, “Yes, that’s him. I forgot about that.”
“What does that idiot have to do with me being fired?”
George replied, “Turns out he’s been dating the CEO’s daughter. He just got his M.B.A. and they’re getting married. He’s the new director. I know it sounds ridiculous, but it’s out of my hands.”
Eli rubbed his forehead, grimacing. “Isn’t his daughter still in high school?”
George said, “Yes, she was…about five years ago. Eli, focus here. You can’t stand this place. I fought to get you twenty weeks of severance pay.”
“Seriously? Twenty weeks. After all I’ve done for this place. The late-night calls and working weekends for inventory and when all hell was breaking loose, which happens a lot, I—”
“We usually offer only one week per year.” George leaned back in his chair, folding his arms across his chest.
Eli said, “You’ve got to be kidding me. I was here when we opened the first store. Hell, I opened it. I built the systems that are in every location and the code that tie them to corporate.”
“I know, it doesn’t make any sense.”
“I love this job,” Eli said.
George returned a skeptical look. “Love?”
With a wave of his hand, Eli surrendered the point.
“I could see you were bored here. Everyone could see it.”
Eli turned to gaze out the window into the parking lot, shaking his head. His mind was reeling. What would Kelly say? This would be yet another disappointment in her eyes. How would he tell her? On one hand, he didn’t really like this job but it was easy, he did it well and it provided a good, steady paycheck. He didn’t like working with computers, but he couldn’t imagine doing anything else. He sighed, thinking about the pool they were having installed. Certainly, it was an extravagance, but he gave in. Kelly wanted it and she always got what she wanted. He’d exhausted their savings with the deposit and was about to tap into their home equity line to pay off the balance.
“Take some time and figure it out,” George began. “How long has it been since you took a real vacation with your wife?”
“What?” Eli turned to look at him, narrowing his eyes.
George asked, “When was the last time you took your wife anywhere nice?”
“It’s been a few years. I’m starting to think we’re…” Eli closed his eyes a moment. “Lately she’s been different.”
“So just go.” George leaned forward, placing his hands on his desk. “Get away.”
“Maybe this isn’t the best time for a vacation.”
“It doesn’t have to be expensive.” George shrugged.
“So, I should go to one of those nice, but cheap places.” Eli scrunched his face up. After pausing, he took a deep breath. “This is really it?”
George nodded, wearing a sympathetic smile.
6
Eli slipped out the door virtually unnoticed. George told him that it would be best if he left quietly. He advised him to return the next day to meet with Human Resources to discuss the terms of the separation agreement.
Eli made his way home, replaying the conversation with his boss in his head, while also thinking about how to break the news to his wife. His mind even went to company projects he was in the middle of, but those only brought a smile to his face as he realized they were someone else’s problem now.
He pulled into the driveway and parked behind the construction van. Another smile spread across his lips as he realized this meant they actually showed up for work. One positive note for the day and one less uncomfortable confrontation he had to deal with. When the celebration of that minor victory faded, he placed his hands on his head and slumped over the steering wheel. After summoning the nerve, he got out of the car.
Stepping into the foyer, Eli called out, “Kelly, I’m home.”
When he didn’t hear a reply, he moved to the steps and heard noises coming from upstairs.
“Kelly?”
As he climbed the stairs, he could discern that the sounds were that of moaning and groaning. He narrowed his eyes in confusion as he stood outside his open bedroom door. Realizing that the noises were most certainly sex related, his jaw dropped open. It opened wider as the sounds grew louder.
With his back to the wall, he closed his eyes, wearing a sickened look as he prepared for the worst. After taking a deep breath, he stepped through the doorway, his eyes scanning the empty room. He did a double take, directing his gaze to the unmade and empty bed. He turned his attention to the television, which was playing an X-rated scene featuring two men and a woman. The young woman was sandwiched between her two lovers on a bed. The screaming sound she was making, either real or manufactured, was as if she was thoroughly enjoying the experience—that or she was great at faking it and well compensated.
Eli sighed in relief. He shook his head muttering, “So this is what you do when I’m not home.”
An object sitting on the nightstand caught his attention and his eyes widened. Walking over to confirm his suspicions, he lifted the huge realistic dildo up and studied it in awe. The length of his forearm and thicker than his wrist, it was truly enormous. Studying it, he gasped, “Holy shit!”
After placing the dildo down, he turned toward the bathroom to discover the door partially closed. He walked over and pushed it open. “Kelly?”
Finding the bathroom empty, he peered out the window to the backyard and pool to find tools strewn near the pool house, but workers nowhere in sight. He scratched his head, and then spotted a book on the windowsill. Picking it up, he read the title, Anal Sex for Idiots. When he leveled his gaze to the window, he noticed the door to the pool house wide open. Thinking the worst, he headed outside, still mindlessly carrying the book.
Eli pushed the door open; looking past the assortment of colorful pool floats scattered around to find Kelly and two large workers doing it. His lovely wife, naked and moaning, bent over the arm of the sofa, her head in the lap of one worker while another was thrusting into her from behind. Wearing Tshirts with their pants around their ankles, neither man noticed his presence, nor did Kelly since she was otherwise preoccupied. Eli spotted a Costco-size tube of lubricant on the ground and raised an eyebrow.
Dizzied from all he discovered, Eli took one unsteady step into the room. He placed his foot on a float, lost his balance and dropped the book. He tumbled face down onto two pool rings, landing inches away from the lubricant. Looking up, his gaze traveled from worker number one to Kelly, to worker number two until finally settling on his wife. The trio looked back at him in almost a catatonic state.
Eli placed his hands flat on the floor as h
e attempted to get back to his feet. He lost his balance once again and ended up on his back with a pool ring skewered on his arm.
“Shit,” he groaned as he finally made it up on his knees, facing away from the action. He heard panicked mumbling and clothes rustling. He freed himself of the pool ring. He rose to his feet, picking up the evidence along the way, before turning toward the sofa.
With the book in one hand and the lube in the other, he discovered the workers both standing now, zipping up their pants. His wife stood between them holding a boogie board decorated with the life-size, bikini-clad torso of a large breasted woman. She held this directly in front of her naked body unable to look at him. It was an odd sight for sure—that of his wife’s head on top of this busty female shape on the board.
Eli was momentarily transfixed by the boogie board. When he was finally able to tear his eyes from it, he glared at Kelly with his mouth wide open, struggling to speak. As she met his gaze, he shook the tube of lubricant at her with his brows knitted together.
Gesturing to the worker on her right, he said, “I’ve been trying to do that for the last decade!” Turning his attention to the worker on the left, he pointed. “And that only on special occasions, birthdays, maybe anniversaries.”
Kelly asked, “Why are you home early?
“Okay, yeah that’s an important question.” Eli let out a humorless laugh. “Not why are the fucking pool guys tag-teaming you.”
Kelly began, “I was…I don’t…”
As her voice trailed away, Eli was once again drawn to the boogie board until he willed his attention away, shaking his head. “I’ll bet you don’t.” He turned to the workers and sneered. “Now would probably be a good time for you two to get the hell out of here.”
Inside the master bedroom, Eli stood beside the bed throwing clothes into a suitcase. Kelly rushed in now wearing shorts and a T-shirt. His shoulders stiffened as he lifted his palms up. “So this, this is your twisted way of working on our sex life?”
“No.”
He picked up the Anal Sex for Idiots book from the bed and held it up. “I bought this for us.”
“Where are you going?”
“Why do you care?” He flipped the lid on the suitcase.
“Where are you going?” she repeated, stepping closer to him.
