by Luke Young
“That’s right.” Wearing a big grin, he headed over to an outdoor bin. “And you thought I was nuts. Well look who’s not crazy and has something to wear.” Opening the bin, he pulled out a shredded plastic bag and looked at it in shock. “What the hell?”
She walked over with her mouth wide open. “Some animal must’ve gotten in there and—”
“Shit.” He opened what was left of the bag and pulled out two pieces of shredded fabric and a pair of flip-flops that were still in good shape. He turned his head slowly toward her. “Fuck me.”
“This sucks,” she added with a frown.
“Don’t you have any towels out here in that other bin?”
“I just took them in to be washed.”
“You sure?”
She nodded apologetically.
“So we’re locked out again? How is this even possible?”
She returned a shrug. After shaking his head, he headed back to the door and paused a moment before putting his shoulder to it, hard.
“Don’t hurt yourself. I guess you’ll just have to walk to Victoria’s. I’d go with you, but I don’t have any shoes. You know how sensitive the bottoms of my feet are.”
He exhaled deeply. “You can wear these. How about you go by yourself, and I’ll wait here. I took the first two trips. It’s your turn.”
She gave him an angry stare. “Fine. Give me the shoes. I’m sure I’ll be fine…a naked woman walking two blocks alone at night. I can hear Nancy Grace interviewing you now.” Jillian did an amazing impression. In a high accusatory voice, she said, “Let me get this straight—you sent your buck naked fiancée… out in the middle of the night to get a key, and you were shocked to find she was kidnapped, tortured and brutally murdered.”
He rolled his eyes. “Of course, I wouldn’t send you.” He paused to think. “How about I break a window? We can get it fixed.”
She shook her head in disappointment and moved behind him. Standing on her tiptoes, she put her mouth to his shoulder. In a soft, sexy voice she said, “It’s only two blocks.” She kissed his shoulder blade, moved a little lower and kissed him again, as she held him by the hips.
Groaning, he melted with the gentle brush of her lips as he craned his neck, desperate to see what she was doing.
“I want to make this night special for you.” Settling down on her knees, she placed tiny kisses all over his lower back. She grinned and put her tongue where his back met the cleft of his ass and slid it down half an inch.
Reaching back blindly to touch some part of her, her face, her hair, anything, he let out an audible sigh.
She backed away before he could lay a finger on her and whispered, “Hurry back.”
He turned to discover her gazing up at him.
“Okay. I’ll be five minutes, max.” Then he took off toward the gate.
Jillian glanced around the backyard, looked at the stars for thirty seconds, then lifted a rock, took the key and unlocked the door. Grabbing her cellphone, she hit a button and waited for an answer. “Yes… okay.” She ended the call and rushed to the powder room.
Standing in front of the mirror, she groaned at her appearance, and quickly towel dried her hair and body. She put her hair up in a ponytail and opened the cabinet to pull out some clothes and shoes she had stashed there. As she pulled on her clothes, she figured Brian was about half way to Victoria’s.
2
Brian moved stealthily from one tree to the next; he knew the drill by now. There was very little activity on the street, yet it was only about 9:00 p.m. After peering out from behind a tree, he took off for another one nearby. Lights flashed behind him, and he heard a car door open. He slipped behind the tree with his heart pounding.
“It’s okay. They didn’t see me,” he whispered to himself.
“Police! Step out from behind the tree with your hands up,” A stern female voice called out.
“Fuck!” he said aloud.
“Now!”
He sighed, covered his junk with his hands and slowly moved away from the tree. Two female police officers were holding guns pointed at him. “I said hands up!” one of them ordered.
“Look at me—I don’t have any weapons.”
One officer cocked her gun, and instantly his hands shot up in the air. Glancing down to his nakedness, both women widened their eyes.
“Let’s see some I.D.”
He grinned uncomfortably. “I, uh, left my wallet in my other pants.”
The officers were not amused; they lowered their weapons, and one took out handcuffs and moved behind him. “Hands behind your back.”
Closing his eyes, he followed the command. “Look, I was locked out of my house.”
“Yeah. Okay, we’ve had complaints about a pervert running around naked in this neighborhood before.” After tightening the cuffs around his wrists, the officer grasped him by the elbow. “This isn’t your first time, is it?”
“Is it, perv boy?” asked the other officer.
He opened his eyes to find them glaring at him, waiting for a response.
“Well, no—but I can explain. It’s, uh, really a funny story.”
“Save it. You’ll have a lot of friends to tell it to in the city jail.”
The two officers sat in the front of the car with Brian sitting uncomfortably in the back—still completely nude with his hands cuffed behind his back.
One officer turned to him. “They’ll like you down in lockup—you’re so fresh and young.”
“Wait, we really don’t need to do this, I—”
He watched nervously as one officer leaned over and whispered something in the other’s ear. They turned to him, shined their flashlights down to his groin and smiled.
“We might be willing to let you go,” said one of the officers.
“Great! I’d appreciate it.” He breathed a sigh of relief as he gave them a big, hopeful smile.
“You have a nice cock.”
“Uh, thank you.” He shifted uncomfortably in his seat.
“Have you ever been with two women at the same time?”
After swallowing hard, he stammered, “Well, no. I mean, I’ve had offers—well just one actually.”
“Officer Johnson’s apartment is just a few blocks from here. What do you say we go there, take the cuffs off and—”
Johnson interrupted, “Or leave them on…” The officers both broke into a chuckle. He returned a nervous giggle. With her eyebrows raised, Johnson finished her thought, “…and, uh, we have some real fun?”
“I’m flattered—really. I am, but I’m getting married in a few months. I’m in love—like insanely, head-over-heels-crazy-about-her love. I just can’t.”
The officers exchanged a look of disappointment then Johnson said, “Let’s get back to the station then.” Her cellphone rang. She answered, listened for a moment then hung up without saying a word.
He watched intently as the officers glanced at each other and nodded. He said, “It’s not that I… I mean you’re both gorgeous. I’d love to take you up on your offer, but I can’t. I live one block from here. I was just on my way to our friend Victoria Wilde’s house to get the spare key.”
“You know Victoria?”
“Yes.”
“Why didn’t you say so?” He shrugged, and the officer added, “We’ll take you there, but if she doesn’t know you, you’re going to lockup.”
“Thank you so much.” Slumping back, he exhaled deeply. “You wouldn’t have anything I could wear in the car would you?”
The officers glanced at one another. Fighting back laughter, both said, “No.”
The two officers stood behind Brian at Victoria’s front door. Johnson said, “Looks like no one’s home.”
“Please be there, please be there,” whispered Brian to himself.
Johnson knocked again. A few seconds later, the door opened. The house was completely dark as Victoria appeared in the doorway holding a lit candle. She looked at them in shock. “Brian, what the—”
>
“Do you know this man?” Johnson asked.
“I do… Brian what happened?”
“I kinda got locked out—again, and these police officers were kind enough to give me a ride.”
“The power’s out, but please come in.”
Victoria led them inside, and they moved to the center of the living room.
“How long has your power been—” Before he could finish his thought, the lights blasted on.
As his eyes adjusted to the change, he squinted and looked around the room in shock at seeing more than forty people staring at him wearing big smiles. He was, of course, completely naked except for the flip-flops.
The audience called out in unison, “NICE PENIS, BRIAN!” as Jillian yelled, “SURPRISE!”
Walking over to him, Jillian gave him a kiss on the cheek. “They were supposed to yell ‘surprise.’”
Victoria proudly announced, “The change was my idea.”
“Happy birthday,” Jillian said, waiting anxiously for his reaction.
He bent over cracking up. After composing himself, gave her a serious look. “I’m going to get you back for this. It might take years, but I will one day, and it’ll be good.”
She chuckled. “Sorry.”
“You sabotaged my clothes stash, didn’t you? You were the animal.”
Jillian shrugged her shoulders and smiled.
Victoria announced casually, “Now, most of you know Brian, and quite a few of you have already seen him naked. Purely out of curiosity, could I have a show of hands from those who have?”
Victoria immediately raised her hand and Jillian did as well. Brian chuckled while shaking his head toward both of them. Brian’s brother Jim raised his hand as did Jillian’s son Rob. Brian turned his attention to Victoria’s parents and said sarcastically, “Don’t be shy. Put them up—come on, loud and proud.” They slowly raised their hands.
Officer Williams had his hand raised; Brian recognized him and gave him a nod. “Officer.”
Brian glanced around the room and noticed six of the neighbors with their hands held high.
He made eye contact with a woman and asked, “Really?”
“A few months ago I saw you sneaking over here in the middle of the night.”
“Oh.” Brian frowned, and his eyes went to each neighbor with a hand up.
“Me too.”
“We did also.”
Brian widened his eyes at the final couple, waiting for an explanation. The man said matter-of-factly, “Uh, we live behind you. There’s a gap in the tree line, and we can see directly into your pool.”
Jillian looked away, mortified.
Victoria rubbed her hands together. “Okay then, we should probably take the handcuffs off now.”
“You think?” Brian said sarcastically.
Johnson moved behind him and unlocked the cuffs. He rubbed his wrists a moment, looked down at his groin then covered it with his hands. Johnson said to Jillian loud enough for all to hear, “Jillian, you’ve got a good one here. We offered him a threesome to keep him out of jail, and he wouldn’t take us up on it.”
Brian said, “I, uh, I’m just crazy about her.”
Jillian smiled brightly and moved to him for a hug. He wrapped his arms around her. When they separated, he looked around the room forgetting to cover up. From the back of the room a man called out, “Got shrinkage?” Everyone in the room burst into laughter as Brian covered his groin.
When the laughter stopped, he smiled. “I was in the pool.”
“Okay, Costanza, we believe you,” someone called out.
“Jillian, isn’t your pool heated?” another guest called out, eliciting a groan from the group.
Brian frowned. “Now that’s just mean.” He looked at Jillian. “How the hell did you pull this off? This was some production. The policewomen were a nice touch.”
“Victoria’s idea. We needed some way to delay you so I could get here.”
“You are going to pay for this.”
“Yeah, right.” Jillian grinned. “I have some clothes in the back room for you.”
He shook his head. “Knowing you guys it’s probably a G-string and a tube top.”
“It’s not. Now go get dressed.”
He gave Jillian a rebellious look. “I should probably say hello to everyone first. Can’t just run away from my own party. That would be rude.”
Putting on an insincere smile, he grabbed a pillow to cover his groin. He walked up to Victoria. “There are some people I don’t think I know. Would you mind introducing me?”
Victoria grinned, playing along and said, “Sure.”
Jillian watched him while holding back a laugh as Victoria took his arm and walked him to an older couple. “This is my neighbor Craig and his wife, Emily.” They glanced down uncomfortably at the pillow.
Brain said, “Good to see you.”
The wife replied, “Nice to meet you.”
Victoria spotted a man across the room. “Uh, there’s someone you must meet.” Jillian trailed along as Victoria guided Brian to the man wearing an expensive suit. “Brian Nash, this is Timothy Roberts.”
“Hello.”
Brian studied the man as if he recognized him but couldn’t place him. Then it popped into his head, and he whispered to Victoria, “Is that Mayor Roberts?”
She nodded and Brian cleared his throat. “Mr. Mayor, love the work you’re doing.” He shook the mayor’s hand and turned to Jillian. “I think… I think I’ll get dressed now. The clothes are…?”
Grinning, Jillian pointed toward Victoria’s bedroom, and Brian took off. As he passed people, they glanced at his rear end and whistled. The mayor looked down to his own hand, grimaced then asked Victoria, “The, uh, restroom?”
After giving him a weak smile, she indicated the way.
A few minutes later, Brian emerged fully dressed and headed to Jillian. Placing her hand on his chest, she gave him an apologetic look. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, but I could use a beer or two.”
Victoria yelled out, “Time for the gifts.”
“No way—I don’t want any gifts.”
Brian reluctantly had a seat on the sofa; Jillian handed him a beer and sat next to him. After taking a big swig, he placed the beer on the table. Victoria handed him the first box. He removed the wrapping paper. “You guys didn’t have to get me anything.” He opened the box and smiled as he pulled out a swimsuit.
A man in front said, “You should try one.” Everyone shared a chuckle.
Brian opened the second gift. It was also a swimsuit. He opened six more boxes. They were all swimsuits. His last box contained a tiny black Speedo bathing suit. He held it proudly over his head, which elicited a huge laugh from the crowd.
Brian smiled. “Finally, something I can use. Thank you all. I promise I’ll never skinny dip again.”
Jillian gave him a disappointed look.
The crowd giggled at her.
“What?” Jillian shrugged her shoulders, embarrassed. “It’s kinda fun. You should try it.”
“Maybe we’ll just plant another tree,” Brian quipped.
Later when they were alone in the kitchen, Brian took Jillian into his arms. He kissed her and whispered in her ear, “Were you serious about doing that thing to me tonight or was that just some ploy to get me over here?”
“I was serious. Plus, now I think I need to try extra hard to make this up to you.”
“You’re right about that.”
3
About an hour later, Victoria heard voices in the massage room and moved to the open door to listen from outside. Jim was in there with his girlfriend Caroline.
Caroline said, “I can’t believe you put this together yourself.”
“It wasn’t that difficult.”
Moving to Jim, Caroline wrapped her arms around him. “I wish you could give me a massage in here.”
Victoria waited a moment then walked into the room. She said, “So, he’s showing you his
creation.”
Caroline smiled at her. “It’s beautiful.”
Jim gave Victoria a sheepish grin. “I must’ve been channeling some HGTV creativity when I was down here because I can’t even match my shirt to my pants normally.”
Victoria said, “I was talking to Jillian earlier. If you guys want to stay here, you can. Let the birthday boy and his fiancée have some privacy.”
“Oh, we couldn’t put you out like that,” said Caroline.
Victoria scoffed. “I insist. I just finished remodeling the guest room, and no one’s even slept in there yet. Plus you guys could try out the massage room either tonight or tomorrow. I have a lot of errands to run in the morning, so you’ll have the whole place to yourselves.” When Jim looked at her, unsure, Victoria added, “You realize Brian and Jillian are both pretty drunk. I don’t know if you’ve ever been in the same house with them when they’re having sex while drunk, but, uh…” She shook her head with a sour face. “It can be a little frightening.”
After Jim and Caroline shared a concerned look, Jim said, “They probably would like their privacy.”
After the party was over and the cleanup nearly complete, Jim walked to the car to get their luggage. When he returned, he found Victoria in the kitchen loading the dishwasher. The house was almost back to pre-party condition.
Victoria said, “Caroline said she was tired.”
He gave her a hesitant look. “Do you need me to do anything else?”
“No, I only have a few more things to put away.”
Grinning, she studied his body language. He was obviously anxious to get back to the guest room. “I’ll bet you’re really tired too.”
“Well, I…” He cringed, busted. “This, uh, isn’t too weird is it? I mean. It’s weird, but not so weird that—”
She smiled. “You guys go have fun. At least someone should be getting laid in this house, if I’m not going…” She shook her head. “Sorry.”
He looked at her, concerned. “Oh, I don’t want to—”
“Oh, I’m just kidding.”
“Seriously?” He bounced up and down anxiously on his heels.
“Go.” She shooed him away with a wave of her hand.
“We’ll definitely talk tomorrow.” He took off toward the back of the house wearing a huge smile.
