by M R Field
“What about it?” Cole throws back nonchalantly, but I know he’s holding back. His lips are far too thin.
“You haven’t accepted it.” I mentally praise myself for sounding stronger than I feel.
“That’s because you’re not going.” His hands grip the stack of papers tightly. Why, you bossy, inconsiderate jerk!
“I believe I am!” I slam my laptop shut and stare back at him.
“We’ll talk about this later.” He brushes me off, but there’s no way that’s going to happen.
“You know, I think I’ve had enough of your chats,” I seethe, rising from my seat to press both hands on the table. War has been declared. “I’m going, whether you like it or not.”
“Look, Leticia.…”
My chest seizes as if he’s just slapped me. It’s one thing to keep calling me my shitty full name to save face at work, but when it’s something important to me, he might as well have grabbed a stick and speared me. I can’t control my anger any longer. Fuck him.
“It’s LETTY, YOU TWAT!” Pushing back my chair in haste, I storm over to my desk and snatch up my purse, ignoring my trembling fingers. Turning back to Cole, I raise my middle finger and yell, “Have that as your resignation. No reason to keep me now!”
“Stop being ridiculous. You can’t leave.” He remains seated, and I blink to curb bitter tears from surging. He hasn’t even put forth an ounce of movement to stop me. Just petty fucking words.
“Too late, jackhole! Booked my ticket to Toronto,” I lie, “How’s that for leaving?”
I slam the door, and I ignore Theo yelling out to me. My steps thunder toward the elevator. My bag feels heavier than before. I smash the button, and as the lights of the floors begin ascending, I listen for any sound of steps behind me. Nothing.
As the doors to the elevator open, I dig out my phone and bring up the email with the saved flight link. I ignore the tears that have broken free and run down my cheek.
“He wants to talk on his terms. His words are the only ones that matter. If he thinks I’m going to be there tonight, he can think again.” I click on the link and search the dates, wishing on every star in existence that I can go as soon as possible. All I need is my passport details, which is in my bedside drawer. My heart flips, as I’ll be able to secure a flight for 10:00 tonight. I save the link and hold the phone to my chest.
“You broke my heart,” I sob, clenching my phone.
Later, at home, when I secure the booking, I sigh in relief once the confirmation email beeps, springing into action and sending my sister a text.
Letty: You better get your spare room ready. I’m coming. Do not tell Mum and Dad.
I hit send, look around my room, and tally what I need to do. Grabbing my suitcase, I pack what I need, knowing that I’m doing the right thing for me. “This is my dream. A dream I no longer share with you.”
Cole
“Letty!” Theo bellows, but I lean forward, my fist curling onto the desk, struggling to keep control. I swallow to clear my throat, as my heart bursts against my rib cage.
“Just let her go, Theo,” I say, my voice wavering. “She needs time to calm down.”
My feet shift agitatedly under the desk. I want to run after her, but I don’t know what I’ll find.
“What’s going on?” Nige asks, and any possible words die on my tongue.
I’ve let her down, and now I’ve let my team down.
“She wants to leave, and my reaction to her going wasn’t what she expected. I’m afraid that’s all I can say for now.” I’m a coward, but I keep going, throwing myself into the fiery pit. “I’ll make a call to her later and try to sort things out.”
“Didn’t she say she booked a ticket?” Steve asks.
The guys continue to talk around me, discussing her plans to visit her sister, but I ignore them. I’m too caught up in my own thoughts, and I can’t make any sense of anything else.
You just let her go. Why the fuck aren’t you running after her right now? Because I’m too shit scared to see what I’ll find. You freaked her out in the copier room. You run now, you’re going to find a woman who is no longer in love with you.
Tonight, we need to finally sort this out. I can’t have her thinking that I never respected her. I need to fight for her. My fingers reach out and clasp around the pen that sits next to my tablet. I lift it and automatically press my thumb into the end, the motion stifled by the lack of movement. I look down at it, and my heart thuds. It’s just an ordinary pen. I’m too cut up inside. I can’t even smirk at the reason she changed them—to stop my annoying habit. She’s not serious about leaving, is she? I know she wants to visit her sister, but she’ll come back, right?
“I think she was ready to blow heads off,” Steve interjects, and I throw the pen back down next to the tablet and try to focus on the end of the meeting. Even a pen is setting me off.
Theo’s phone beeps on the desk, and he looks down at it, his eyes widening before he glances up at me. I turn my face, eager to know if it’s her, but at the same time not wanting to see what she’s said.
Fuck, I should’ve gone after her. But the look in her eyes told me that that was the last thing she needed. I can’t reason with her right now, but tonight I will camp out at her place if I need to.
I rub my thighs, as the tension from my early morning bike ride burns through my muscles. While Parker plays roommate before he jets off again, I’ve been avoiding his nagging and hitting the hills with my bike or running with Duke, who is appreciating the extra attention. Without her, I’m restless. Even a two-hour bike ride does nothing to settle my nerves. I miss her. Two weeks has felt like years.
The voices of the guys sound around me, and I force myself to focus. They continue to speculate, until I wave my hand to get their attention. “Okay guys, let’s drop it for now. I assure you that I’ll have it sorted by Monday. Don’t worry; she’ll be back.”
I ignore the speculative frown from Theo, whose eyes glance down to his phone momentarily. The others nod, and I grab the pen again to flick around in my fingers, then point down at the agenda. “Right, any other business?”
The guys shake their heads, and I hold in the sigh of relief. Theo stares at me for a beat longer than usual, and before I can ask him about it, he rises and collects his folder, returning to his desk. I gather my belongings and move back to my desk, using the time to continue drafting my latest project to keep my thoughts off Letty.
Tonight, I tell myself. Tonight, you’ll sort this shit out. Get ready to grovel your arse off.
***
“Where is she?”
“Not here, arsehole.” Piper snaps.
“Look, I know I stuffed up, but it’s really between Letty and I to dis—.”
“She’s gone.”
My pulse escalates as Piper stares back at me, standing tall, as if she’s about to go into battle. “What do you mean—,”I swallow, the heat rising up my neck,“—she’s gone?” I shout, throwing my arm in the air.
“It’s what happens when you buy a ticket. You get on the plane.” She steps toward me, her eyes narrowing. “And you go.” Her hand moves in the air like a plane. “After watching her tear herself apart for the last two weeks, I saw her pick her sorry arse up and take action. Instead of moping, she should have been fucking thrilled that her artwork was going to be in an international exhibition, not being too busy stewing over you!”
“I didn’t realise.” My gut drops. Fuck. Her exhibition. I’m an arsehole.
“You absolutely are!”
I flinch, not realising I’d spoken aloud.
“Of course, you didn’t notice!” she screeches. “You were too busy hiding your past bullshit and ignoring others being interested in her work. You knew Annette was setting her up with potential gallery owners! Maybe if you and her dad just paid a little more attention to what she actually wanted out of life, rather being so fucking self-involved in your own shit.” She huffs. “I mean, I practically gave her to you
on a silver platter. Like, what the hell is with that? You finally get your act together after constantly dancing around each other. I was sick of the dancing; I wanted you to tango. But no! You hid your past and fucked that up!”
“I’ve been trying to reach her to fix things! You know I have. You’ve only slammed the door in my face half a dozen times in the past week, alone.” How my nose didn’t get the brunt of that door is beyond me.
“You’re lucky I don’t do it now,” she throws back, and I brace, waiting for her to retreat and give me woodchips in my teeth. She shifts closer to the frame. “You weren’t the one living with her, hearing her discuss this ‘boss’ who she used to be friends with, who treated her like a pariah every day.”
“I never meant....”
“I practically handed her to you to work it out. That email I tricked her to send all those months ago was nothing compared to what else she wrote. For years.”
“That was the only one I saw. I never invaded her privacy.” I bite my lip, grimacing. “Fuck, I don’t even know what she thinks about me anymore. She won’t talk to me.”
“That’s on you, Cole. You have to accept that she needs space right now. You crushed her. She’s going to have her art in some fancy-arse gallery, and I bet she’ll still doubt herself.”
“She’s amazing; she shouldn’t doubt herself at all. She should be surrounded by admirers.”
“Well, tell me something. If you found out that your artwork was bought by your boss, who hired you ’cause your daddy asked him to, what would you think? Hmm? That it was guilt purchases to make her think her art was something.”
“I told her that I’m not her only buyer,” I try to reason. “I love her artwork. It’s worth every cent. I was going to tell her everything, but things were going fast, and.…”
“You were finally nailing her. Power of the pussy,” she retorts and my blood turns nuclear.
“No.” My jaw clenches. “She was never just a fling. She was everything. She still is.”
A slow smile graces her lips. “Nice to know. Dude, you don’t have to convince me. Boy parts will always be gross.”
“Please, Piper.” I lower my voice, trying to speed this conversation along, not caring how weak I sound. “Is she really gone?”
Her face softens, as her eyes meet mine. “Yes.” Her eyes dart to the side. “She would be through the gates and getting ready to leave. You won’t catch her in time. She wouldn’t let me drive her to the airport earlier.”
“When is she coming back?” Please say just a few weeks.
But Piper annihilates that thought by stepping back and pointing to several boxes by the door. “She asked me to get rid of these. Her room is bare so I can rent it out. That should tell you your answer.”
I step forward and see boxes filled with clothes haphazardly thrown in, books, and a glint catches my eye. Moving closer, I find the shard of the shell I haven’t seen in more than ten years.
“Oh no,” I breathe, reaching in the box and finding the other part of the shell. My thumb traces the edges. I remember her holding it like it was yesterday. “I’ve fucked up,” I say, standing, not willing to see if she’s thrown the other shells out, too. I’m as broken as this shell right now. “She hates me.”
“I’m sorry, Cole, but I can’t help you there. She shut those thoughts down. She’s concentrating on her show now. If she can get a hold of her emotions.”
I clutch the shell and nod, struck mute by my colossal fuck-up. I give Piper a flimsy wave and walk down the path toward my car.
“Cole,” Piper calls out to me, and I turn to look at her. “She wants time, but don’t forget, she’s always had a soft spot for you. You just have to work out how to get to it.”
Emotion clogs my throat, and I rub my fingers across the shell just before climbing into my car. She loved this shell with all its imperfections, yet she threw it away. Looks like she’s done that to me now, too. No idea how I’m going to get in her heart again.
I drive home, thumping the steering wheel as my stupidity haunts me. I’m too late. I should have told her the truth at the start. Earned back her trust, and then pursued her. I grip the wheel, angry with myself, when my phone rings and my Bluetooth kicks in. I see Elliot calling and I cringe, hitting the button to answer it.
“Hey Elliot.” My voice is harder than usual, but when you feel your insides are torn up, it’s pretty hard to keep sounding normal.
“Oh, h-hi Cole,” he stammers. “Did I call at a bad time?”
“Nope,” I say, popping the P. “Just driving home.”
“Oh, that’s great.” His voice rises, and immediately, I can tell it’s bullshit. I still know this guy well after all these years. “Been a while since we’ve had a hit on the golf course. Thought we could rustle up a game or two. You interested in going tomorrow?” The inflection in his voice is too forced, too jovial. He knows he’s still in the doghouse. If he thinks he can use me to get to Letty, he’ll have to get in line.
“No, thanks, Elliot. I have a bit on at the moment—.”
“Oh, is our Letty keeping you busy?” And there is it. He has no idea.
“No, actually. It’s a bit hard to keep someone busy when you’re flying across the world to Canada.”
“What?” He splutters, and if it wouldn’t cause a collision, I’d tilt my head right back and bang it on my headrest.
“Oh?” I feign innocence. “She didn’t tell you that she had an expedition planned?”
“I heard that she got a phone call,” he says, but I cut him off.
“She got scouted to show some of her artwork.” Before he attempts to throw in some
bullshit about this being her hobby, I continue, “She knows the industry is hard, but she has never denied that. Yet here she is, going overseas, and none of us wished her well.”
“I didn’t know,” Elliot pleads. “I’ve been trying to contact her, and she’s been ignoring all my calls.”
“You’re not the only one, Elliot.” My voice is stern. “She pushed me away, too, at a time when we should be celebrating her talents, rather than making her feel worthless. Right now, she thinks any admiration I had for her was fabricated.”
“What do you mean?” His voice lowers.
“It’s over.” My voice wavers. “She wanted her space from me and took off.”
“I’ll talk to Odette,” he offers, but I sigh.
“No, there’s no point. Odette is brushing me off, too.” Well, if you can count sending me pictures of her hand giving me the bird as a brush-off. Big sister Odette is on the brink of setting me on fire with her anger-laden texts. She is pissed at me.
“Shit.” Elliot mutters.
“Yep, it’s shit alright.”
“Don’t give up, Cole,” he begs, and my fingers grip the wheel again. It’s on the tip of my tongue to remind him that he got me into this as well, but I need to back down. I was equally as gutless.
“Pretty hard not to when she’s gone.”
“Canada isn’t Mars. You could go to her. Heck, maybe we should come, too.”
“No, Elliot,” I say, firmly. “If she wanted us involved, she would’ve said something. But…” my words harden as I continue, “she chose to go by herself and not involve us at the biggest moment of her career. It sends a pretty clear message that she thinks we don’t see her. At all. She isn’t invisible. To me, she’s incandescent. She should have always been seen that way.” I hear a muffled noise, and I move my thumb to the button. “Bye, Elliot.”
I hang up.
“She deserved a fucking going-away party where people could see how amazing her art was,” I mutter, turning into my street. We never did right by her.
I enter my house to hear Duke’s paws thundering down the hall. He skids to a halt, his tongue hanging out of his mouth, and I notice that his fur is wet.
“Did you take him out?” I scratch Duke behind the ears, as Parker shifts to lean on the back of the couch to face me. I ignore the canva
s behind him that hurts to look at, and focus on patting my dog.
“Yep. We hit the creek. Or he jumped in and I watched. He’s strong, and he almost ripped my bloody arm off to chase those ducks.”
“He never catches them.” I keep patting Duke, who is now on the ground on his back, lapping up the attention.
“Well, I figured you getting up early for those rides meant that I could at least exercise your dog.”
I stop patting and look up at Parker. So my boy is keeping tabs on me now.
“Besides, I need to keep my body in shape.” He taps his stomach, and I shake my head. I can see through his bullshit from over here.
“Yeah, right,” I throw back at him.
His lip turns up sheepishly. “Mum keeps calling, asking me to go over and meet someone. If I’m walking Duke, I can pretend I can’t talk on the phone, as he’s too much to handle.”
I roll my eyes. Sounds like her. Ever since Mum’s party, we’ve smoothed things over, but she feels guilty at how Letty has locked me out.
I stand, and Duke follows me. I point to his inside mat, and he obeys, walking over to it. “Letty’s gone to Canada for an exhibition. She quit work, packed up her apartment, and left.”
“Go to her.” Parker stands, walking around the couch.
“She doesn’t want me to.”
“How do you know?”
“I think leaving the country was pretty fucking obvious. Plus, Odette sends me
photos of her sticking up her finger whenever I try to see if she knows anything.”
“Oh, really? Serious? Let me have a look.” His eyes widen, and he sticks his hand out.
“No, fuck off, man,” I snap, waving him away. He frowns at me and pushes out his lip like a
toddler, and I decide to give in. Quicker to get him off my back. He’s worse than Duke.
“Dude. I’m going to take your man card. Look at these texts. This is some sappy shit.”
I look over and see he’s out of my messages to Odette and into my messages to Letty.
“Nosey bastard.” I snatch my phone back. “You wait, man. You’re gonna find a woman who makes you tear yourself inside out just to make things right with her again.”
