“Can we finish up now?” Oric asks.
Zaena bares her teeth.
“Fick, Liz, there’s probably a dentist in Jatla that could fix that grill up for you. Cheap too. Don’t even need healthcare, Marbles, to visit the dentist I know.”
“Quiet!” Zaena rolls her neck back and goes for an attack that mirrors the way a cobra strikes.
She attempts multiple times to stab her blades at Oric, each attack blocked or parried.
Oric fights in a self-taught way, a style of combat that can only be developed from years and years of hand-to-hand combat.
He’s broken a sweat, at least Zaena can say that, but he doesn’t appear to be struggling other than that.
Zaena tries again for an aerial attack and Oric manages to strike both of her blades away.
Taken over by animosity, she lets loose a trio of throwing knives, which Oric easily blocks. With this as her distraction, the Thulean tries, scorpion-like, to drive her final blade into the top of Oric’s head.
Flourishing his blade, he pulls right just as she increases her force, and uses her downward momentum to knock the blade from her ghost limb.
“Aye!” Zaena comes in with fists this time, which Oric dodges.
“Shit,” FeeTwix says, concern growing on his face. “Hey, let’s chill out, everybody! Who’s up for, um, a game of Three Cards?”
“Fick yeah, Twixy, but you better have some jewels and only after somebody in this fight dies. I’ve got two dogs in this fight.”
“What?” Ryuk asks as Oric blocks Zaena’s chop with his forearm. “You mean Wolf?”
“Fick, Marbles, it’s an expression. Shit, Liz, uppercut! Knock that ficker’s mullet off! Thatta girl!” Hiccup uses his good hand to whistle for Zaena. “Chalupa, get that ficker’s chalupa!”
Wolf barks, his comical expression from earlier all but gone. Ryuk looks at Wolf and his aggressive stance.
He’s clearly looking for an opening, Ryuk gulps. If I don’t stop this soon…
Before Ryuk can say anything, Oric knocks Zaena’s arms out of the way and brings his splintered sword to a spot just beneath her chin.
She lifts her nose just a bit, still defiant as she stares him down with her orange eyes.
“You are strong,” she says, not flinching.
Ryuk, on the other hand, feels the tension strike him like a wave. One glance at Enway and he sees her gasp.
“And you are fast and formidable,” Oric says. “Shall we end this now?”
Zaena’s face hardens. “If we must.”
“We can pick it back up another day.”
“Promise?”
“Promise.” Oric sheathes his blade and turns away, not at all afraid of the fact that he’s exposed his back to her.
He walks over to Wolf and places a hand on his head. “Easy, boy,” he says as Wolf sits onto his back legs.
Zaena turns to FeeTwix; he comes in to hug her, but she holds him back with her ghost limbs. “He’s strong,” she says, bitterly.
“You’re strong too, babe. Don’t worry. Don’t let it get to you.”
Hiccup chortles. “Fick me, Liz, don’t get your thong up in a bunch. You wear a thong, right? I used to, but that shit caused some massive chafing down south, so I had to leave it in Spewy’s mailbox. Point is: everyone loses, and everyone is a loser. Including He-Man over there. I’m sure he’s had his ass handed to him.”
“I have,” Oric says as he runs his hand through his hair, “multiple times.”
“See?”
“Quiet, goblin,” she says half-heartedly.
“Come on, Lizzy, don’t let that beefed up pug ficker get the best of you. Let me get the best of you instead! Howzabout a game of Three Cards? Who’s in? We’ll play for favors this time. Everyone has one favor they can give away or collect. Fick yes, this will be awesome. Marbles, get some paper and write everyone’s name.”
“I don’t have any paper.”
Hiccup shakes his head incredulously at Marbles. “What part of ‘I’m trying to cheer Liz up’ do you not comprehend? Find some paper. Shit, I’m sure someone has some. Fick, I bet I have some. Ask me for some paper.”
Ryuk sighs. “Can I have some paper?”
“Fick no, Marbles, get your own paper!”
(0)__(x)
The airship stops at the entrance to the Sabors, which from what Ryuk can gather is the far end of a glacier. The icy ground hasn’t prevented Unigaeans from thriving here, at least in the safer part of the territory. Like humans back in the real world, they’ll live anywhere as long as they can get access to basics such as food and water.
“We’d better stock up,” FeeTwix says as he turns towards the small village of nomadic herders. Similar to the herders they saw riding griffins at Lake Klattenhoff, back when Ryuk first tested his gravity marbles, the Polynian herders are a hardy bunch, stout with faces that have been heavily lashed by the cold winds.
“Good idea,” Hiccup says as he kicks over a snowdrift. He wears the balaclava FeeTwix gave him, and as usual, the bottom of his belly is visible. “Chalupa is going to shrivel if I don’t get something warm in me.”
“There isn’t time to eat, goblin,” says the Thulean, who walks at his side. Still reeling from her loss to Oric, Zaena hasn’t said much over the last hour.
“Liz, if there’s time to fick, time to shop, time to drink, or time to fight, there’s time to eat. I’ll get it to-go. If we’re fickin’ lucky, Dirty Dave will have a pop-up barbeque shop around here. I loves me a fickin’ food truck.”
Hiccup looks around at the scattering of yurts and the four or five buildings made of wood. The small settlement seems as if it can be deconstructed overnight and quickly moved to another location.
“Fick, I’m guessing there’s no DD’s BBQ, and the locals don’t look so tasty either. Whatever. We’d better get some food in me, if we want to keep my mood stable.”
Oric laughs. “You are the worst member of this group, aren’t you?”
“No comment,” says the Swede, who quickly turns back to the mirror in his hand so he can finish his ad read, something about a credit card offer from Chase Bank of America Fargo with a low interest rate of 35%, after an introductory interest rate of 25%, and other perks from using the card including a complicated point system that only kicks in if you maintain a credit balance that is at least 75% of the credit limit.
“Fick you, Twixy, and anyone stupid enough to consider what you just said a good offer. To answer your questions, Conan, the worst members of the Mitherfickers in order are Marbles, Elfie, Liz, Twixy, Snowballs, Wolf, you, and me. Who’d I miss?” He counts on his mechanical fingers for a moment. “Fick, two’s company, three’s a crowd, but eight is a fickin’ orgy. Japanese orgy probably. Those fickers are probably into all sorts of weird sex shit. I would be if I lived on an island.”
Ryuk rolls his eyes. “First, how did you know Japan is an island, and second, you do live on an island, a floating island.”
“It’s a fickin’ continent, Marbles, and while Tritania may not be contiguous – go ahead, I’ll wait for you to look that word up – it doesn’t mean it’s a fickin’ island.” Hiccup’s nostrils flare. “I smell food. Meat. Find the meat, Wolfy!”
Wolf barks and circles around the goblin.
“He usually doesn’t like new people, at least goblins.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Hiccup asks Oric.
“He has liked women in the past.”
“Have you seen the size of Wolf’s red rocket? Fick yes he likes women, and I’d bet they like him too.”
“Red rocket?” Enway looks to Ryuk, but before he can say anything, Yangu races forward. “Hey!” he calls after the ice dragon.
“Snowballs, get your ass over here.”
Surprisingly, the dragon obeys Hiccup. He stops, and the goblin places his hand on his snout. “I know he has been a bad father, an absent dad, and I know we can’t really say his name right now because he could retaliate, but
I need you to be on good behavior, okay?”
Yangu coos.
“Good, we’re on the same fickin’ page.”
“There’s an item shop!” FeeTwix points at a small building with a carved sign over the door that reads WARES.
“That’s right!” A gnome steps out from the back of the group, startling everyone but Oric.
“Fick.” Hiccup bristles. “Don’t do shit like that, Shorty!”
“Actually, the name is Walley, and that’s my shop. Walley’s Wares. Will you be joining me?”
Ryuk looks at the small wooden building, no larger than a shed. “There are eight of us.”
“No problem, kiddo, there’s plenty of room in Walley’s Wares, no matter your guild count. We’ve crammed fifteen in there before. Let’s go!”
Walley snaps his fingers, and suddenly the Mitherfickers are standing inside a huge shop, easily the size of Seiyu. Just to confirm they haven’t actually left the village, Ryuk looks to the windows, which are now floor to ceiling, and beyond them to confirm the spot they were just standing. The air smells of apples and cinnamon, a crisp and inviting scent that leaves Ryuk smiling.
“I love Tritania,” Enway says, and Ryuk can’t help but agree with her.
“We’ll cut to the chase, Walley, because we have places to go and quests to slay. We need potions,” FeeTwix tells the gnome. “And lots of them.”
“Fick yeah, and not the shitty ones,” says the goblin. “Hopkins’ or Cherry Apollos, bacon-flavor if you have them.”
Walley runs his hand through his beard. He’s in similar clothing to the herders they saw outside, but there’s something very custom about it, as if he’s gone to a good tailor but told him to make sure he blends in with the locals. “I have two cases of Apollos, one Hopkins’. Will you take the lot?”
“Bacon-flavored?” Hiccup asks.
“I was going to suggest we don’t get bacon-flavored, but Wolf may like it,” Oric adds. The Unigaean warrior stands on the outer rim of the group. He seems a bit distant, and Ryuk has a feeling that he will always be this way.
As Walley informs Hiccup that one of the cases is bacon-flavored, Wolf and Yangu begin to play.
Wolf makes sure the growing snow dragon doesn’t knock anything over, but fails miserably to prevent the dragon from freezing a mannequin in a fur-lined parka.
“That’s all right,” Walley says, his smile shattering. “But if you could get your animals under control... ”
“Yangu.” As soon as Ryuk says the words, the dragon rushes over to him and stops at his side. He sits, his blue scaled tale curling around to the front. As he looks up at Ryuk, Enway approaches and places a hand on his head.
Yangu bares his teeth in what looks to be a smile.
“So, three cases of healing potions. And what else, adventurers? Weapons? Tents?”
“Mana potions,” Enway says, “just in case.”
“A case you said?”
“No, just in case.”
“A case will be fine,” FeeTwix says. “And we’re good with the other items.”
“I see.” Walley busies himself for a moment as he whips up a bill of sale. “There is one thing I like to offer all my guests, and that is a cup of Walley’s Special Apple Cider.”
“Does it have meat?” the goblin asks.
“No, but it will instantly increase your stamina and reduce hunger for the next several hours.”
“Great, but I need meat. This body doesn’t fuel itself, and especially not on fickin’ apple juice.”
“Um, very well, the rest of you may enjoy the cider and you, goblin, shall enjoy a bowl of Saborian dumpling soup made with ice fox jerky.”
“I’ll have what he’s having,” Oric says.
“Same,” says Zaena.
“I see.” Walley clears his throat. “Then that settles it, cider and dumpling soup!”
.20. Flaming Zombie Dwarves and a Sad Game of Touch Chest
“Fick me thrice and slather me in holy water, that soup was good!”
The Mitherfickers now stand on the outskirts of the small village, near a sign warning to be careful when entering the Sabors. From where they stand, the entrance is about thirty meters away, through a small gully that has been frozen over for ages. The air is bitingly cold, even with the fact that the sun is high in the sky.
While the cider did warm Ryuk some, it has done little to stop his face from feeling cold and his eyelashes from occasionally getting icy.
The guild continues forward, FeeTwix in the lead and now wearing a pair of knee-high snow boots, an impulse buy at Walley’s Wares.
They hardly make it thirty meters before Hiccup complains about the pain in his back and calls Yangu over. The goblin mounts up and goes for one of the Cherry Apollos, which he eventually throws over his shoulder, almost hitting Ryuk in the head.
“Do you see that?” Oric asks about twenty minutes later, interrupting Hiccup’s diatribe about child labor laws in Tritania and how more children should work so older people don’t have to.
Ryuk pauses, his Extreme Focus skill kicking into gear. The world around him thins to a dark whisper as his eyes gloss over every small detail in the terrain. Listen to the quiet voice – Hajime’s Oblique Quote comes to him.
It is then that he notices some of the snow on the ground has frozen over, and that the frozen snow looks to be in the shape of melted footprints.
“What could do that?” he asks.
“Everyone, get ready!” Armor forms on Oric’s body. Thick pauldrons, a muscled breastplate, gauntlets, and tassets with gold inlay, Oric’s armor makes him look incredibly formidable.
“What the fick is everyone going on about?” Hiccup asks, his eyes wide with fear under his black balaclava.
“The afflicted are near,” Oric whispers.
“The afflicted?” Zaena’s orange eyes settle on a bend in the road.
“Afflicted, huh?” FeeTwix’s brow furrows as he reads messages from his fans. “Damn, that sounds bad, everybody.”
A group of pyro-afflicted dwarves, six in total, step onto the path. Ryuk tries to get a read on the six flaming dwarves, but fails.
Their stats aren’t listed, and there are no icons above their heads. They could be any level, he thinks, as he empties one of his mags and fills it with aqua marbles. If anything will work, it’ll be my new marbles.
“Are they zombies?” the Swede asks, his shotgun appearing in his other hand. Like he was auditioning for a role in a zompac flick that hit all the tropes, FeeTwix does the one-handed shotgun pump with considerable flare.
“They’re not exactly zombies.” Oric flourishes his splintered buster sword. “Pyro affliction is a virus that causes the person’s body to burn eternally. They are still alive, even though they are on fire.”
“Did you say it’s a virus? I’ve never heard of this shit,” Hiccup says, fear evident on his face even though he wears a black mask.
“It’s a virus from Unigaea, a sickness that came with one of the people I brought here.”
“Are you fickin’ kidding me?” Hiccup throws his hands in the air. “Does everyone now understand what I mean when I say immiNPCs bring disease, and that extreme vetting is pretty much the only way to make Tritania great again?”
“Just get ready, goblin!”
“Fick, Liz, when you put it like that.” A small tomahawk appears in his mechanical hand, a shield the size of a stop sign on his left arm. He’s still on Yangu’s back; the dragon doesn’t really know how to respond other than to observe the approaching dwarves cautiously.
“How do we kill the fire dwarves?” Zaena asks, all four of her swords now equipped. The flames lick off their bodies, obscuring their faces. “And why haven’t they attacked us?”
“They haven’t attacked us because their leader hasn’t instructed them too,” Oric says, his sword at the ready.
Their leader?
His Extreme Focus takes over his viewing pane, and Ryuk sees that one of the dwarves has
a different glow than the others. He’s a bigger dwarf too, the flames flickering off his body only adding to his size.
Zaena slashes her swords together. “Neutralize them?”
Oric nods at the Thulean, his fist tightening around his sword as an electrically charged shield appears on his free arm. “Arms and legs have to go, head too. One more thing: don’t let them touch you. If they touch you, you become one of them.”
“For how long?” Ryuk asks quickly.
He swallows hard, fear writ large on his face. “Don’t know. In Unigaea, you could never use that same avatar again. I don’t know what happens here, though. Wolf, stay back. Zaena, come with me.”
Oric charges forward and meets the first afflicted dwarf, Zaena on his heels.
(0)__(0)
The Thulean warrior princess uses her limbs to springboard over Oric. She finishes her forward flip and takes off the arms of the afflicted engaging Oric.
The man falls and scoots on the ground towards Oric, hellbent on reaching the Unigaean warrior.
Six shots later and Ryuk quickly realizes that his aqua marbles have little effect on the afflicted. As soon as the marbles hit, they instantly dissolve, the air filling with steam.
Wolf barks from the sidelines just as Enway hits one of the smaller afflicted with a pink blast of magic.
The dwarf shrieks as the fires on his body rage even harder.
“What was that?” Ryuk calls over to her.
“Metastasize wound. It doesn’t seem to be working though.”
Oric hops right just as Zaena takes the legs from the afflicted that already lost his arms.
“Defensive magic only,” he calls to Enway. “Time magic won’t work on these fuckers. Wolf!”
The towering black wolf races by and Oric latches on to his body.
He rides Wolf like Hiccup? Ryuk thinks as the two sprint by, smoke, steam, and fire filling the air around them.
“Fuck you, fuck you, you’re cool, I’m out!” FeeTwix laughs maniacally.
Clickety-boom!
The Swede creates a basketball-sized hole in the chest of one of the afflicted. He one-arm pumps his shotgun and blows another dwarf away. “Headshots work, people! And that goes for all three million of you watching my feed. When faced with zombies, or creatures based on zombies, your good ol’ fashioned headshot will do the trick! Speaking of headshots...”
Fantasy Online_The Runestones of Tritinakh Page 21
