‘So you see Kara, though this will be difficult for us, and especially difficult for Lois, we have to do it, for our sake and the sake of those who sent us here. And anyway,’ he looks at me and the look on his face is terrifying, ‘There’s no reason why we shouldn’t enjoy it.’ Then he grasps me with both hands and pushes his mouth against mine. It feels like it does when I am given tranquilisers: I am dizzy and everything is far away and I can't talk or feel properly. Someone is screaming ‘No no no no no’ over and over again. Then I see someone pick up Mr Kent, and there is a crack and I see that I was right, and you can snap people in two at the waist. And not just people with lovely slim waists like me. Then someone throws Mr Kent into the corner, and the screaming gets quieter. Then Lois appears at the door. She looks upset, and I think it must be because someone broke Mr Kent, but she says,
‘Kara, are you all right?’ The person who was saying ‘No no no’ stops and I find I can move my mouth, so I smile at Lois. She looks even more upset, and I expect her to mention Mr Kent, but she comes over to me, puts her arms around me, says ‘Oh Kara, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry’ and then she starts to cry. I don't like this. Well, I do like Lois holding me, but not her crying. People cry when they're sad, and I don't like it when people are sad. I very much want Lois to be happy, and I remember that touching mouths seemed to make the doctor happy when we did it earlier. I also remember that it seemed to me that Lois wanted to touch mouths with me earlier, whatever Mr Kent may have said. So I bend down and touch mouths with her. She goes tense for a moment, but then with another moan she presses herself against me and I feel warm inside. And then she gently pulls me down onto the bed and shows me things we can do together that make me feel so happy that I don't know how to describe them.
Afterwards, we lie together. I touch Lois' breasts and it's almost as good as touching mine. She has been sleeping, but my touch wakes her. She looks at me, smiles and says,
‘Oh Kara, you're the best thing that ever happened to me. I feel so happy, happier than I ever thought I could.’ That makes me happy. Not as happy as the things we did earlier, but still, I like to know that I have made a difference. I lean over and touch mouths with her and she smiles again. And then she slowly and gently fades away until, after a little while, there's nothing left.
When I am sure that Lois is not coming back, I get up from the bed. I know where I am going. I go over to the locked drawer and Power Girl makes the lock go away. I pull at the drawer’s handle and it slides open. Though I was frightened to open the drawer before, that was before Mr Kent tried to do something bad, and before Lois did something that made her happy enough to go away, just like that time the girl in the next room got so happy that she was discharged. At least, I hope that’s what happened. Now I know that what is in the drawer is mine, and it will show me what I must do next. I look down and see a mass of folded red fabric. I reach into the drawer and unfold the fabric. When I move the top layer, I see underneath it white and gold. It is a white costume, like the swimming suit that I wore before the doctor decided that it wasn’t safe to let me do hydrotherapy, only with a high neck and a big, big hole which, I think, must be intended to make sure that everyone can see the breasts of whoever is wearing it. Which is obviously a good thing, especially if their breasts are beautiful, like mine. Then there is a long red cape, which is attached to the white swimming suit by a large gold buckle on one shoulder, and two long boots. I look at the costume and decide that I would like to try it on, so I put on the swimming suit and the boots, and arrange the cape so that it flows behind me. I can see that my breasts are showing. In fact, the swimming suit has pushed them up and out, so they look even nicer than usual. Someone very clever must have made it do that. I wish I was clever. I shall just have to make do with being beautiful and making people happy.
There is a mirror. I tried to avoid it before, in case it ate me, like one of my friends at the hospital said mirrors do, but now I stand in front of it because I want to see what I look like. I look and I see someone who looks just like me, only she looks brave and confident and powerful and all the things that I am not. I wonder who she is. I am still wondering when I hear Lois say, ‘It is you, my darling.’ I assume she must have come back from wherever she went, so I look round, but I cannot see her. I am confused and frightened and want someone to hold me, only there is no one there. Then Lois laughs and says, ‘Oh Kara, there’s no need to be frightened. I’m part of you now.’ And I realise that her voice is coming from inside me, just like Kara and Karen and Power Girl and all the others. So that’s where she went. I look at the woman in the mirror again and Lois says, ‘This is who you are, Kara, what Clarke tried to hide from you. You are Power Girl, the most powerful woman the world has ever known. Clarke wanted to make you his mare, but it’s time you were yourself. Look at yourself.’ I do. I don’t understand the bit of what she says that is about horses, because I’m not a horse, and though I don’t like Mr Kent, I don’t think even he would be so confused as to mistake a woman for a horse. But when Lois says the bit about my being Power Girl, Power Girl says ‘Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!’ and it is as if I had opened a door and found something wonderful behind it. Like the time I opened a door and found Dr Quinzel sitting on the one they called Mr J. I like Dr Quinzel. She gave me a lollipop and said that if I kept what I had seen a secret she’d stop them giving me the bad pills. And she did, which was wonderful. But not so wonderful as it is to realise that Power Girl is a real person. Because if she’s real, then maybe the others are real too. Maybe I’m real. Or maybe not.
I am beginning to get confused, like I always do when I try to think. I don’t like being confused, but I feel that this time I shouldn’t stop thinking, which is what I normally do, because this time there is something really important that I need to think about. But I don’t know how to think about really important things. I used to, before they gave me the pills, when I may have been someone, but now when I try I start crying, which I don’t like. I am about to start crying, when Kara says that when she was real going out in the fresh air made things better when she was confused. This frightens me. I don’t remember when I last went outside. The doctor tried to make me go into the hospital garden, but I couldn’t, not even when Doctor Quinzel said she’d do something to me that I didn’t understand but that she told me would be very nice. I was frightened I would fall into the sky. So though Kara’s idea sounds nice, I don’t want to try it. Then Power Girl says that I wouldn’t fall into the sky, but I would fly like a bird. When I say that’s silly, because birds have wings and I don’t have wings, she says that I don’t need wings: all I need is to want to fly. I don’t believe her, but to keep her from getting angry with me, I think to myself ‘Fly, fly, fly!’ and something happens and I am floating near the ceiling and looking down at the bed and at Mr Kent. It seems Power Girl is right, and I can fly! And as I say that to myself I feel as if another door has opened and another part of the really important thing has been revealed. But I know now that I must not try to think about it until all of it is there for me to think about, so I decide to go and look for the rest. I push the ceiling out of the way and fly off, looking for the truth.
I fly and I fly and just as I am thinking that the problem is that I don’t know what the truth looks like, I look down and, a mile below, I see a woman. She has dark hair and a nice shape and breasts almost as good as mine, and as I look at her, Karen says ‘I know her, that’s Atlee.’ I don’t know anyone called Atlee, but Karen says it’s very important that we go and talk to her, because she is Karen’s best friend. So I reach down and pick Atlee up. When I have found somewhere where there aren’t any explosions or other noisy things that might make it hard to hear me, I put Atlee down and land beside her. For some reason she seems upset, and I wonder if I should introduce her to my breasts right away, but then she says,
‘Power Girl! What are you doing? Why did you take me away? I could have done with your help.’ She is obviously confused, and as being confused is ne
arly as bad as being unhappy, I decide to explain. I say,
‘I’m not Power Girl.’ Then Power Girl says, ‘And I have no idea who you are.’ Atlee is looking even more confused, in fact her mouth has fallen open, just like someone who has been given a sedative, so I explain again and say, ‘That was Power Girl who said that, but now it’s me. I don’t know who I am or who you are, but Karen says you’re her best friend.’ Atlee’s mouth is wide open now. She says, and it sounds as if she is frightened, which is silly, for what is there to be frightened of,
‘Karen? Karen Starr? But you’re not Karen?’ I am glad she understands, so I say,
‘That’s right. This is Karen.’ Then Karen says, ‘Oh Atlee, it’s so lovely to see you again. I’m so sorry I haven’t seen you for such a long time, but I was away.’ I explain again. I say, ‘Yes, we were in the hospital, well, all of us except Lois that is, and then we met Lois and now we’ve met you.’ Atlee is breathing much too deeply for a healthy woman of her age, says Dr Quinzel, who should know, and her eyes are wide. She stares at me for a few seconds, then says,
‘Karen, what did they do to you?’ Which is one of those hard questions that I can’t answer because I don’t know what the answer is. But I hope that telling her something will make her happy, so I try to explain. I say,
‘Something very bad happened. None of us know what. And then we were in the hospital, where they gave me drugs that confused me, that is until Dr Quinzel stopped them. And then Dr Quinzel started to talk to me, and she said I was unique, which is silly, because there’s loads of us in here, and asked if I would do her a favour by, she said, springing some of her friends, which I didn’t understand, but I like her, so I said yes and she introduced me to Mr J and Ivy, and then she put me to sleep and when I woke up she was in here. And then . . .’ and I want to explain about Mr Kent and Lois, but Atlee interrupts and says,
‘Quinzel? The Joker? Poison Ivy? Are you saying you were in Arkham?’ and one of the doors opens and I see some more of the truth. But I don’t have time to think about it, because Atlee comes over to me and puts her arms around me and says, ‘Oh Karen.’ Well, I know now what to do when women put their arms around me and say one of our names, so I take one of my beautiful breasts out from under the white costume, put it in Atlee’s hand and say,
‘This will make you happy.’ Then I touch mouths with her. A little while later, Atlee has joined us and I am adjusting Power Girl’s costume. I have learned something, but I need to know more. When I flew off earlier looking for truth I found some, so it must be that flying helps you find true things. So I decide to fly some more.
I fly, and I fly some more, and after quite a lot of flying I begin to wonder if this is such a good idea after all. But then, just as I am about to give up flying and try something else, I hear a voice and, though I don’t recognise it, Power Girl insists that she does. So I follow the voice. Soon I arrive at a street where I see a woman, and when she speaks I recognise the voice I have been following. She seems to be arguing with some men. She and they are all very angry and the men have guns, just like the guards did back at the hospital, and they are all pointing them at her. I don’t like it when people point guns. It makes me cross. As I get cross something strange happens that I don’t understand and suddenly there is a flash and the men burst into flames. They start to scream, which makes me happy because it means they’ve realised that pointing guns is bad, and are being sorry, but soon they stop and lie still. I think they must be resting. I land close by the woman, who Dr Quinzel says is definitely breathing too fast, and say,
‘Hello. Are you happy?’ She looks at me just like the orderlies did the time I broke into the kitchen knife cabinet, and Dr Quinzel says that if she doesn’t take some deep breaths soon she may faint. I am about to pass this on, as I am sure she would like to know, when she says,
‘Happy? You do that and you ask me if I’m happy? No, Power Girl, I’m terrified.’ I don’t understand, but I see that she is confused, and being confused would terrify me, so I try to explain. I say,
‘I’m not Power Girl. At least, I don’t think I am. But if you like, I can let you talk to her.’ She continues to look at me, and I note her muscles tensing as if she is about to fight, which is silly, for who is there here for her to fight? But she says, in the kind of voice the doctor used when I told him about new people inside me,
‘Power Girl, are you sure you’re quite well? You seem to be behaving strangely. Can I help you at all?’ I laugh and say,
‘Of course I am well. I haven’t had to take any of the special drugs for, oh, days.’ Her muscles tense some more, so, because I don’t want anyone to hurt her, I continue, ‘But I’m very happy that you want to help us. Let’s see what Power Girl says.’ Power Girl waits for a moment, then says,
‘I am confused and unhappy.’ This makes me unhappy, because Power Girl is part of me, so if she is unhappy then I am, so I say,
‘Why are you confused, Power Girl?’ She says,
‘Because this is not who I thought it was. Her voice is similar, her costume is similar, she looks similar, but this is not Helena.’ I am about to ask whether that matters, when the woman says,
‘Power Girl, I’ve no idea what’s going on here, but what do you mean saying I’m not Helena. Of course I’m Helena, you know I’m Helena. We may not be friends, but we’ve met, and…’ Power Girl says,
‘You may be a Helena, but you are not my Helena, the Huntress, my one true friend,’ and I can tell from the way she is talking that she is upset. I turn to the wrong Helena and say,
‘Look what you’ve done. You’ve made her unhappy. Why couldn’t you have been the right Helena? Then everyone would be happy and everything would be good.’ I must sound annoyed, because wrong Helena turns white and says,
‘Wait here.’ She runs off to a box sitting on the street and kicks it open, then runs back carrying something I’ve seen before, when the doctor decided I was behaving especially well: a newspaper. She points to the picture on the front, which is of her, and underneath it says ‘Huntress saves the day.’ I look, and so do Power Girl and all the others, and wrong Helena says, ‘I am the Huntress.’ So I need to do something about her. The nameless one says I should cut her into little cubes and throw them into the river to feed the fish. I like the idea of the fish being happy, but would prefer not to make anyone unhappy, even wrong Helena. So I do what Lois suggests and go up to wrong Helena and say,
‘Maybe you are Helena the Huntress. But you are not Helena the Huntress who is Power Girl’s friend. And that has made her sad, and I don’t like it when people are sad. So it’s up to you to make her happy again.’ Wrong Helena is tense and breathing too fast again and is playing with a metal thing with pointy bits. As she might hurt herself on the pointy bits, I take it from her, make it into a ball, with no pointy bits, and give it back. She whimpers and says,
‘What can I do?’ I reach out and touch one of her breasts. She flinches. They are good breasts: round, firm, large, but they are nothing like mine. And she has covered them with shiny hard stuff, which is silly, because the whole point of having nice breasts is to share them. I say,
‘We like breasts. Show Power Girl your breasts.’
Wrong Helena is starting to shake, just like someone going into withdrawal. She says,
‘You can’t be serious, Power Girl.’ I say,
‘But I am. Breasts are the best thing in the world. Look at mine. Aren’t they lovely?’ Wrong Helena looks at them and says,
‘Y…y…yes, they…they are,’ so I say,
‘And yours can be lovely too, but only if you show them to us.’ She looks at me and seems about to speak, but I smile at her to encourage her and she, very slowly, releases the hard shiny stuff. Her breasts are very beautiful. Wrong Helena is crying. It must be because she is happy to be able to share her beauty with the world. Looking at her beautiful breasts I know that I must join with them, so I take her in my arms and am about to touch mouths and let her ent
er our communion when I hear her say,
‘Holy Mary mother of God, forgive me.’ I stop and say,
‘Do you have someone you talk to?’ She looks up at me and says,
‘What?’ I say,
‘You were talking to Holy Mary. Is she someone inside who talks to you, like Kara and Power Girl?’ She looks confused again, and I am thinking that perhaps I should touch mouths with her after all when she says,
‘I suppose she is inside me, but she’s inside everyone, even you, Power Girl.’ I shake my head,
Lost Girl of Krypton Page 2
