by Lee Kerr
But as much as I want it I know that I can’t have it. My love for Eric tells me that I shouldn’t, and the lack of time tells me that I cannot. I grab Austin by the neck, squeezing tight, my behaviour contrasting completely with his tender touch. ‘You will do this and you will give him the pleasure he deserves,’ I say, watching him, looking for any sign of doubt. I keep my hands firmly on him, doing all it can to stop his head from shaking. ‘And if it all goes bad, as I think it’s about to, then you pull him into the water and drown him. Do you hear me?’
He pulls away, as far away as he can get, until he clumsily bumps into the back of the bar. ‘Listen to yourself – you’ve totally lost it.’
I look at him, and only him, wanting those big eyes and those perceptive ears to be ready. ‘Jessica,’ I say, my eyes still on him. ‘Did you see the devil tonight?’
I turn around to see her looking at me, at both of us, her face still silent, her mind still calculating. And then she screams. She screams so loud that half of the people in the bar stand up. People huddle close to the walls, close to candles and closer to each other.
Jessica looks around, as if she has spotted the many people she didn’t know were here; or maybe she didn’t realise where here is, anymore. With nothing to say she starts to run; her frame is slight, but she still manages to knock over a table. She makes it to the doors, pushing them open and releasing a chill into the bar. But it lets in more than the cold air – it also brings more screams from the distance as she quickly disappears into the night.
Kyle and Eric return, both of them running towards us, the same fearful glazed look in their eyes as the rest of us. ‘Something is coming this way,’ Eric says.
‘Where’s Jessica?’ Kyle says as he looks around, looking more frantic than I have ever seen, showing more concern than I would ever have thought possible from him.
‘You just missed her,’ I say, standing up and pointing to the path she has just fled along.
People start to run out of different doors, following different escape routes, all of which lead to nowhere. Austin leaps over the bar, putting himself in the mix of whatever decision we make.
‘Where the fuck has she gone?’ Kyle says, pinning his stare on me.
I look back at him. ‘She’s gone to a world of fear.’
His face scrunches up, and he shakes his head at me for what I vow will be the last time tonight – possibly ever. He pushes me, physically and deliberately, enough to make me step backwards and thankfully enough to put a space between us.
Austin fills this new void but Kyle ignores my new protector, and leans around him to get a proper look at me. ‘You know that you’re so full of shit. You’re just a pretty girl with fucked-up ideas that you want to dump on everyone else.’
I don’t say anything, but it turns out Kyle has nothing more to say anyway, so we all stand for a moment in our strange, little formation, as crowds of people run around us. It’s like we’re in our own slow-motion, silent movie, all of us waiting for the next scene to begin.
It’s Eric who breaks the peace, as he calmly taps on my arm and slowly finds my gaze. ‘What do we do now?’ he asks.
I look at his precious little eyes sitting on that adorable face and then I kiss him on the forehead, taking my time to properly absorb his presence. I’m trying to pluck that last shade of doubt from his mind, leaving behind the braver and bolder Eric that I have worked so hard to create. ‘I love you,’ I say, as I pull Austin closer to him. ‘But now you two are going for a walk and I want you to promise me that you will enjoy it.’
Eric shakes his head, seeming to know what my plan is but not willing to accept it. I join them together, forcing them to touch hands and join fingers. It’s somehow symbolic, somehow like I’m selling one of them into slavery; I’m just not sure which one. The cream and brown, little and large, cute and sexy; they contrast so well with each other. I stare at them both, at their flesh and at their faces, and I know that I have yet again created something new and unique.
They are both shaking their heads as I push them towards the door; it’s like I’m trying to launch my creation out into the open sea, where it will forever sail and send back hopeful thoughts through the wind and the tide. ‘Please obey,’ I say, as I keep pushing.
Eric is shaking his head, his body anchored to the same spot.
I focus all my physical energy on Austin, as I find him to be a little more willing to listen than Eric. He moves his body, and their arms tighten and pull against each other. I look at their hands, hoping the knot will hold. I keep pushing Austin but I look only at Eric. ‘If this is all some stupid practical joke then what have you got to lose?’
Eric is still shaking his head, listening but not hearing. ‘I’ll lose you.’
I kiss him on the mouth, forcing our lips to join, and then I pull away, always staying in control. ‘The boats aren’t coming, so if this is something more, something bad, then our end is already decided.’ I push him again; I push them both. ‘Go and enjoy love before the end, before it’s too late. You said you would obey me, so please obey me now.’
Tears stream down his face as he kisses me, and before I know it Austin is doing the same. I cry too, I can’t help it. I push them again, needing them to leave now, before I change my mind and keep them here, forever stuck with me.
They finally obey, Austin pulling Eric along as he still looks back at me. I watch them for as long as I can, until I see Austin put both arms around Eric and almost carry him out of here. I’m glad they listened but I realise I have forced myself to lose something; this was a selfless act, one that can never offer me a reward I would want. It feels good and bad in equal measure, but I decide that my emotions can fight it out later.
I turn to Kyle who is still staring at me. ‘What the fuck?’ he says.
I walk towards the door that Jessie fled through, determined to follow, desperate to find her. I turn to him, signalling that he should tag along for as long as he can. ‘Are you ready?’
‘What the fuck is going on, and what the fuck are you talking about?’
I walk and talk, picking up anything that can be fashioned into a weapon, quickly making my way into the unknown. ‘Have you done it all? Have you prepared your speech, your excuses and all your meaningful reasons?’
I stop and turn. ‘Well, have you?’
He looks down at me, his simple face full of unlimited uncertainty. He’s not ready, never will be. Kyle is one of the masses of the unprepared, no different from the hundreds who have already run past us, screaming and crying, but not truly sure what they’re scared of. We’re all in a club, with millions who have literally done nothing – require no excessive judging; part of the world of billions – to be judged for everything.
And then he starts crying.
‘Good luck, Kyle,’ I say. I’m not sure if it’s enough, not really sure what you say at the end of all things. He drops to the floor, and I pat him a couple of times on the head, rubbing a hand through his golden hair, behaving as though he is a dog rather than my ex-lover.
I leave him now. I leave him to judge himself, like he is preparing to check-in to his own personal hell he never knew was waiting for him.
*****
She lets out another whimper as I tighten my hand across her mouth just a little more. We’re both looking through the small gap in the wooden panel, both looking for whatever is still lurking out there.
It’s quiet now – another period of silence that will likely hold for only a few minutes. The last scream was close; a lonely scream that had a fear all of its own, not shared with others. The small groups had passed several hours ago; the time when hundreds were yelling at once now a distant recollection; this dream holiday a memory that was no longer worth having.
I see people stumbling into the open – there are a handful of them, which is far more than I expected. This could be the largest number of people I have seen in hours, certainly since daylight broke, but I’ll never be sure. Some look a
round and a few cower around bushes and boxes, but the one thing I think they all do is hope. They hope they will survive, they hope they’re not being hunted.
They start to run, all looking the same way, screaming and falling over each other. They know it has found them; we all know it has tracked them here. Jessica whimpers as it slowly appears. The fur of a wolf, the eyes of a shark; it stalks its way forward.
‘Sssshhh,’ I say, one hand turning her around to face me and the other hand teasing its way into her skimpy thong, slowly pulling it down. I kiss her all over her lips and then her neck, teasing and distracting in equal measure.
I focus on her neck so that I can look over at the people. I don’t call them to us. I tell myself that I don’t want to invite them into our moment, that this is my time of selfishness. I barely acknowledge the lurking truth that I don’t want to attract what they have. I don’t want to meet what follows them. It hasn’t noticed us yet and that gives me hope: survival may still be possible. But they have looked into the eyes of what has come to take all hope from them.
They all turn and now they are fleeing, as it willingly gives chase.
I say nothing, letting her kiss my neck and ride my fingers, the interruption very welcome. But even while she whines and slobbers all over me I keep looking out there. I just can’t help it: the sensations of lust and fear are causing a clash of new, strong emotions.
I watch as the others quickly fall, the terror sucked out of them, leaving only a lone man to face the horror that has found him. It takes a moment for me to realise that this man is Kyle. His T-shirt has been almost totally torn off, and his left arm is sliced from shoulder to elbow.
He staggers forward and taunts his nemesis with a stick. It’s not enough to fend off judgement, but I wager he’ll give it a go. He slashes into the air, the effort of his one good arm accompanied by the puffs and pants of an exhausting night. I can’t help you, Kyle, I think. If I had ever felt more than just lust for you, something more than what rests on the surface, then I would act. If it was Eric or Austin out there then I am sure things would be different. But it’s you, and you are alone.
It doesn’t take long before the cloud of torment, fangs and fur swallows him up. Flesh is spat out as Kyle screams his last scream. A big part of him lands near us – the torso and head of the man of our mutual lust but no single love.
I fall back, pulling Jessica with me. She turns to see what I have been keeping from her and when she looks at him she cries out in horror.
He is looking at us, his eyes still moving. They flicker when he sees us in the remnants of our hidden fumble. In those last few moments I think he truly sees what should never have been allowed to lurk in the shadows, and as we share the revelation, it becomes obvious that what was secret is no longer out of sight. We are all free now; what has been hidden for too long has been exposed, and that’s just the way of it.
The creature sees us too and moves closer, clearly seeing no need to be cautious. It sees the end; we all know what’s coming.
I nod at it and slowly stand up, looking down at the remains of my best lust while pulling up my worst love, still half-naked and just as confused as she always has been, as I knowingly greet my own judgement with all that I have to offer.
What is truth if not real?
Thursday 18th August – Florence
I will always remember that the pain came first.
Before it there was only darkness, the absent kind that only comes from the deepest of sleep. I don’t even remember dreaming but, if I’m honest, I don’t think I have had a proper dream for a long time. I can only recall the pain gripping my entire body, pulling me from that quiet place into what I convinced myself had to be hell, all of my own making. I could sense the bright lights all around me and shining into my face, my body being moved and contorted. I couldn’t see the ungodly shape it created, but I will always remember how it felt.
The shouting came shortly after and once it started it didn’t seem to stop. It was joined by questions like ‘can you hear me?’ and ‘can you look at me?’
When I didn’t answer they shouted my name, and it took me a moment to realise that they really had found me; that they knew who I was and what I had done. ‘Adam, do you know where you are?’ someone asked. It was a woman’s voice, and it was somewhere in the distance.
‘They know my name,’ I kept repeating to myself. I soon had to admit what I didn’t want to: that I was still alive. I was in hospital. I had actually survived, but how could that even be possible?
I suddenly felt weightless, like I was being lifted. It was enough of a jolt to make my senses return to their awakened state, one by one. I soon realised that I was now on a different surface, one which felt a little more comfortable. It made me wonder what I had been on before, but a sudden sharp pain in my wrist distracted me from any more thoughts. Something was being pumped into my veins but I still hadn’t found the strength to look at anyone, or see anything that was happening. Opening my eyes was simply too much, too hard in such extreme circumstances.
I could tell that the woman was still around, still making her demands. ‘Adam, can you hear me? I need you to open your eyes,’ she said, and I felt her hands on my head, pulling at my face, like it was playdoh to be moulded into whatever hideous creation she wanted.
I had no interest in opening them, and so I decided that I wouldn’t. I didn’t want to see these people, didn’t want to know what this version of shame looked like.
Just as I was telling myself for the tenth time that I didn’t want to be here my eyelids were suddenly pulled up, and I was forced to look around. There were bright lights everywhere. I couldn’t see much that made any sense but I could see many sets of eyes staring back at me.
Then I heard someone say: ‘Adam, can you look at me please?’ I could tell that it was the same woman as before.
I couldn’t see where to look, even if I wanted to, but she didn’t give up. ‘Can you tell me how many fingers I’m holding up?’ she asked, as if it would ever matter.
There was too much going on; it was more than I could handle, more than I ever wanted. My head was spinning, and I lost the ability to focus. My body felt like it was on fire. I barely felt it coming as it quickly flowed up from my stomach and out of my mouth as though I was releasing years of fiery pain and neglect at whoever was now trying to care for me.
‘We have started the procedure,’ she said, although I wasn’t sure if she was telling me or just informing those around me. She didn’t force my eyes this time, and so I decided that I didn’t care who she was addressing. Maybe she didn’t want to see me anymore – perhaps the disgrace was too much for her to witness. It didn’t matter anyway, because I didn’t want to see any of them; I didn’t want to see anyone. That was the whole idea and so I kept my eyes closed as the depths of my stomach spilled themselves into this world I was stuck in.
I realised I was lying on my side but I don’t know how I did it. Maybe they helped me, I’m not really sure, but either way, they had allowed me to curl up. I could sense something coming from my back end and so I stayed as quiet as I could, my body scrunched up and my mind praying that no one noticed or at least made comment of it. Most of all, I prayed that this would all be over soon.
I could only hope they were too late, could only hope that I ultimately succeeded and that they would soon fail. Everything felt numb, as if my body was no longer my own. I felt myself slipping and I let the darkness take me away from – away from the pain and the shame.
Please, take me forever.
*****
Air. It’s all I can think about – I desperately need some. I gasp, long and deep, inhaling as much oxygen as my lungs can take in one go. It feels like what I imagine my first breath, thirty long years ago, was like. It must be like a new-born baby’s first entrance into the outside world, when they declare that they are here, and when their lungs finally have a chance to work – to prove themselves – to celebrate all that life has to off
er and all that is still to come. After all, they have something worth celebrating and so much to look forward to.
I open my eyes, this time of my own free will. It’s bright again and at first I only see light. This place could be heaven but I really doubt it. I couldn’t have been that lucky. I look around, slowly letting my mind figure things out as the light fades, just a little. My brain seems to be bringing me back to the rational world, telling me that it’s brighter when I look towards a window and darker when I look away from it.
This thought makes me look around and I notice that the surroundings appear much more civilised than what I saw earlier. Everything I see brings me back to normality and the simple cream walls and the shower curtain next to my bed seem almost boring compared to all the drama I have experienced of late. Am I back in my bath? And since when did my bathroom have a window?
Get a grip, I tell myself. I’m not in a bath or in my house, or anywhere else I should be able to remember. It’s a hospital room: I can tell that from the red string hanging from the ceiling, the tasteless picture on the wall – art by no one, only one per room. Everything around me is economical, efficient and sterile. I remember it now; a stark reminder of basic reality. I’m back in that world.
I try to sit up but I’m too dizzy. I’m sure I could fight against it if I really wanted to; somehow force myself up, like they always do in the films. It looks so much easier when someone else does it, especially when they don’t actually have anything wrong with them. Life is easier when you only have to act out living. After all, I did it for long enough.
I lay my head back down but that one small movement exhausts me. I prepare to close my eyes again, hoping my new best friend, darkness, will take me away. ‘Don’t bring me back’ I mutter.
‘What did you say?’ a voice asks. It’s a voice I recognise easily.
