by Lee Kerr
‘I have new evidence. I know she’s in there!’
Marius looks to all the other officers. ‘Gentlemen, is there a crime in progress? I don’t see that there is. In fact the crime that has alleged to have taken place is nearly a week old.’
‘He told me something yesterday that no one knows!’ I shout back, trying to make sure it’s audible to Carlos, who is still waiting at his front door. ‘He told me that I left her but no one knows that.’ I put my head down, knowing what I now freely admit. ‘I left her to watch the car while I was in the supermarket. I left her alone and he took her.’
Marius shakes his head and drops my backpack to the floor. ‘That is your compelling evidence to prove she is inside the house?’
I shake my head, knowing he’s not listening, not giving me the time I deserve to explain my case as a genuine citizen in need. ‘I didn’t tell anyone and he used those exact words yesterday. He told me that I left her, but how could he have known that?’
I look at Marius who gives me nothing back and so I look at the other cop, the only one who briefly felt anything for me, although he does nothing but shake his head.
‘No crime is happening and no evidence suggests any more time needs to be spent here. All of you ship out now. We have bigger things to be dealing with.’
‘No!’ I shout, struggling in my cuffs, fighting my new chains. ‘You can’t do this. You’re the police and you have to help me!’
My outburst gets me another jab below my knee, making me fall down again. This time I’m supported by the officer holding me up, so that I land softly and am able to pay proper attention.
Marius kneels down and takes off his sunglasses, looking straight at me. ‘This district is just a number now and it’s not a good number. Citizens have the choice to stay and hide, or to leave for another district, anything above number 15 will do. Everything is organised by numbers and the crime you allege to have happened no longer has a number. Only crimes in progress get a response and from what we have seen you are the guilty one. I’m going to let you go but you need to move on, get your life back together and get out while you can. There is nothing here for you now, do you understand me?’
I look at him, my mind never more determined. ‘Lucy is in there.’
‘If you truly believe that then you will die here,’ Marius says and stands up. ‘Let him go and get out of here.’
The rest of the cops head towards their cars as Marius walks towards Carlos, no doubt to apologise for my insane actions. I wonder if he is going to ask him some questions and do his duty as a detective, perhaps see if there is any glimmer of hope that he doesn’t obviously want to show me.
I feel a grip on my arm and I realise it’s the nice cop. ‘You seem like a decent guy but whatever has happened isn’t a crime that can be solved. No one will come here again and no one will fight for you.’
‘Then why did you come this time, bringing two cars and a detective?’
He looks around and then back to me. ‘Look, you need to wake up. I have no idea why he showed up as these guys aren’t solving crimes any more. They are going around and issuing orders with lots of reporting back to those above. Two cars turned up because this neighbourhood was classified as off-grid.’
‘Off-grid?’
‘We can’t patrol everywhere, so places that now have limited residents have been taken off the grid for police and all other public services. When we got the call we thought something was here and if it was, then things would have been easier to deal with, with fewer people around. This entire district is being prepared as a potential battleground area, so the guy in this house will bunker down and hope to survive, and your best chance for your own survival is to get the hell out of here.’
‘You don’t understand,’ I say, shaking my head. ‘I’m not leaving her.’
He leans closer as he takes the cuffs off me. ‘I bet you’ve seen the news and you should know that this place goes under complete military rule at midnight tonight and we are all shipping out. You either join the queue on Highway 55 now or you go up against that guy. No one will come here again and no one will stop you. If you think she’s in there then you do what you have to do. There will be no laws to break on either side.’
My hands suddenly feel free as they fall to my sides. I instinctively rub my wrists, feeling for any damage. ‘I know what I have to do.’
His partner calls him to the car as Marius walks back down the path. He takes one final look at me. I think to myself that this could be his last humane action he carries out as an officer of the law: the days, weeks and months ahead will be governed by that numbers game and I don’t think he will have the luxury of empathy for some time to come. ‘If you get her then escape to Highway 55: it’s the only one that will be kept open for civilians. The army presence will be high so don’t shock those guys and make sure they know you’re coming.’
I take a deep breath, remembering all he is telling me, knowing how much I still have to do, as I offer my hand up to him ‘Thank you.’
He shakes it but doesn’t say anything else, has no further comforting words. He gets into the car and I watch him drive away. I turn around to see Carlos shut his door, no doubt putting all those bolts back on as he seals himself inside with my Lucy.
I see Marius standing in front of me as he lights a cigarette. ‘It’s obvious he isn’t coming out until all of this is over, and there’s no way you will get in, so the best thing you can do for everyone is to move on with your life and get out of here.’
‘And what if I don’t?’
He walks towards me, opening his jacket and giving me a flash of his firearm. ‘I declared this neighbourhood as safe, low risk, no activity. So you can imagine my frustration when I get a call to say that precious resources have been dispatched here to stop civil unrest in progress. So to answer your question, you will move on from here now. What you do after that is none of my concern, but you needn’t come back here again.’
I take one last look at the house and then head towards my car, figuring the only thing I can do right now is drive away. I say nothing as I pull away, thinking only about when I will return. I wonder about what will happen after the sun sets and I wonder when I will get my Lucy back from that man. I don’t know how I will get into his fortified prison; I have no idea where she is and I can’t imagine how we will get out of this warzone in one piece, but somehow I vow that I will make it happen.
*****
Most people would say, if asked, that they are scared of the dark. It’s easy to understand, because we spend almost all of our waking time in the light, whether it comes from the sun or is somehow man-made. The time we spend in actual darkness is normally when we are asleep, when our minds are taken elsewhere, to a place of colour and imagination.
The first few hours she spent in this true darkness were terrifying for Lucy. She couldn’t see anyone but heard every little movement. The room wasn’t just dark, it was black. There wasn’t even a little bit of light unless he opened the door, which now only happens twice a day – or at least that’s what Lucy thinks. It’s difficult to judge how much time has passed when there is no way of distinguishing light from dark, or day from night.
When they first took her she was convinced that he was in the room with her. She awoke from some strange, chemical-induced sleep, and found herself bound to something, her body laid flat and her arms and legs tied down. She could hardly move, could barely wriggle. The noises from the shadows had terrified her, with every part of her body exposed to things she couldn’t see, her very being trapped in a nightmare she couldn’t begin to understand.
After what seemed like hours she realised that she was alone and the room was some sort of cell. She didn’t know how far she had been transported, where they had taken her, or even how many of them there were. As she lay there, her other senses became sharpened but her precious sight could offer her nothing. She eventually managed to calm herself down and stopped screaming, as she thought it was doing
nothing but heightening whatever pleasure her attackers were getting from this. The first thing she did was to control her breathing and start to think through what she knew. Okay, she had thought, it’s a dark room so what can I see in this darkness? She had looked around for any red lights, any sign that this was being recorded, but could see literally nothing. She didn’t give up and tried compartmentalising each question as a small problem yet to be solved. She soon realised that she was no longer clothed, and that her left-hand restraint was slightly weaker than the right. She stored these small facts in her mind, as she thought they could turn out to be crucial over the coming hours and days. Just as long as she could stay calm, these little victories had given her hope.
It was in this darkness when her remaining hope quickly fled, and that was the moment when she finally cracked. That small hero inside her who took charge didn’t last as long as she had hoped, when she felt something moving up her thigh. Her scream was loud and long, as everything she knew and every mental image she had created in her mind quickly fell apart.
This thing had been in the room with her all the time, enjoying every moment of her initial capture. She was probed and touched for a long time, her exposed body being examined from head to toe. He didn’t speak through any of her first ordeal and, after a while, neither did she. Begging him to stop, asking who he was, or offering any amount of money didn’t do anything. He had all that he wanted and he silently reminded her that the only power resided in the darkness.
She has learnt a lot since that first time. He wore infra-red goggles and he deliberately made the first few hours as terrifying as he could so that she would break more easily. He has given her little bits of freedom over the last few days, such as a daily shower, although she has to take it while blindfolded. She gets more food than she did at the start, sometimes even a pot of chocolate for dessert, and has almost become accustomed to the routine he has given her. She knows that after each shower she will be given a pill, washed down with vodka, and when she awakens she will already be tied down tight to what she now knows is a table, and that those restraints will only be released when he is finished. After that he will allow her to get off and scurry into a corner. During each assault he whispers to her that she is his favourite, but she never says anything back, she makes no moan or cry. He is taking all he wants but she will give him nothing freely in return. Lucy thinks she isn’t alone, that others might be going through the same thing, and although she wouldn’t want anyone to suffer this, she admits that it’s better than thinking she is truly alone.
She still hears things deep inside her frantic mind, mainly the little hero who whispers to her from somewhere in the dim recesses of her failing spirit, telling her to remember all that happens here, to catalogue everything he does, to somehow find a way to use it.
Now she awakes to the sound of movement on the stairs outside; he’s right on time like always. The two locks are undone from the outside; they are only ever bolted, never locked with a key. The door opens now and light floods into the room. She knows just where to sit these days, the exact angle at which her eyes are able to adjust quick enough to get a proper look at him. All those features – she would always be able to recall them even if she never sees him again. Her mind pictures every pothole and every thinning patch on his head each time he mounts her on that table, but she reminds herself to keep looking. She knows that in order to spot the way out of hell you need to look the devil in his dark eyes.
‘Blindfold on,’ he demands, as he throws it down to her.
She does as she is told, knowing that he will lead her to the bathroom, to that lukewarm shower and that inevitable pill that brings on the sleep that edges her closer to the torment, and a little bit further away from the Lucy she remembers.
‘Hold on,’ that voice within her says. ‘Remember who you are, remember Harvey, and know that he will be looking for you. Those sirens earlier, they had to be him.’
*****
If there is one thing the chaos allows, it is for things a normal person would see as unthinkable to suddenly seem acceptable, permissible, and even necessary in order to survive. I hold the shiny object in my hands. It’s heavier than I expected and completely terrifying. The guy didn’t take long to show me how it worked and it wasn’t because he was afraid of the cops or anything, it was just that he really didn’t care. He had somewhere else to be, he said. A war is coming and he wants to be a part of it. I didn’t dare ask whose side he will be fighting on and I didn’t think of haggling with him. Dollars don’t do a lot these days, he said, and so he took all the jewellery I had and told me to fuck off before he shot me and took my car as well.
I left quickly and so did he. Both of us went our separate ways, going to very different battles. Now I’m sitting in the car, parked several houses down from Carlos’s place. I pulled in as soon as it went dark and turned the lights off, the absence of any streetlights having hidden my approach. A regular helicopter flies over and shines lights all over the district, close to this neighbourhood and then further away – looking for something it cannot seem to find. I’m almost grateful to see it flying overhead, to know that some resemblance of government power remains, even if it won’t come to my aid. I think of that cop from earlier and I wonder where he is now. He must know I’m coming back here and I would like nothing more than for him to come around the corner and get into the passenger seat, telling me his master plan for our attack.
As I accept that no one is coming to help me I look down at the gun – the only plan I managed to come up with. I have to get Carlos to come to the door one more time, then I can shoot him. If I kill him where he stands, I can get in, taking all the time I need to find Lucy. And if I have to shoot him as he leans through the window, then that is what I will do. As I plan all of this and think about what will happen, I realise that my choices are entirely limited, yet completely inevitable.
I put the gun into my backpack, not comfortable with having it stuck in my belt, never really convinced that I will be able to fire it. Killing a man has only just crossed my mind, and as I step out of the car I remind myself that the bigger worry for me is that Carlos may also be armed. The thought that I might be wrong, and that I could be planning to shoot dead an innocent man, only enters my thoughts at the last moment, when I have already convinced myself that I am right. And if I am somehow wrong? I have already decided that finding Lucy is worth every bit of his soul and I’ll walk over a hundred dead Carlos’s to find her.
I hate everything about him but I know deep down that I myself am a monster, created by this changing world.
I stalk my way over lawns and through bushes, until I find safety in the shadows of a house on his side of the road. The helicopter circles overhead again, its light on the road. It shines over a few houses but doesn’t stay for long and clearly doesn’t see any threat. Sirens sound in the distance and it quickly pulls away to whatever is happening over there. I kneel down for a moment, trying to steady my thoughts. Only the image of Lucy is in my head, as her blonde hair and big smile both offer me comfort; the thought of holding her close distracts me from the impossible task that awaits me. I don’t know how I will get in but I know what I will bring out. I am sure of it.
I’m soon outside his house, and I slowly start making my way around to the back. I duck down low as I crawl under the windows. I know they are sealed tight but I don’t take the risk, cannot let him hear or see me coming. I survey his house, looking for any signs of vulnerability but I see that he has sealed up the front pretty well. I get into the garden and look at the back of the house, figuring he might not have had time to fortify it as much. I position myself behind a large bush, thankful his home preparations didn’t stretch to pillaging the wood from out here. I look up at the house as I inspect each window from this safe distance. They all look sealed: all are covered with bars or large, wooden boards.
As I start to think about how much noise I will make if I take them off, I start to wonder if any lights ar
e on. The windows with bars make it easy to figure out, but in the dark of the night I cannot see the slightest bit of light shining through any gaps. He’s either in the basement or somewhere else in the house and running the power at a very low level.
I get up, my body still hunched, and I start to make my way towards the back door, hoping it is not as sealed as it looks from here. Halfway across the lawn I stop as I hear a car door slamming. I didn’t hear any noise from a car engine but the hum from the helicopters in the distance probably hid it. I run back to my hiding place, although I’m not sure what I’m hiding from or if I even need to bother. I reach for the gun, pulling it out and holding it down to the ground. I try to listen for voices or noises and I know that if I was braver I would find a way to get closer, to be able to find out what is happening at the front and back of this house. I stroke this thing in my hand, trying to remember if I have put the safety in the on or off position.
I drop it on the ground when I hear someone coming through the gate and then I hear a man talking on the phone as he heads to the back door. I recognise the voice but I’m struggling to place where I heard it before. It’s not Carlos; the man is a good foot taller and his voice is not as deep. I lean forward, just a little, trying to get a closer look.
He still has his back to me as he starts to unlock the door to a house that I don’t believe is his, yet he has all the access he needs and enough confidence to know where he is going.
I move a little, hoping to catch a glimpse of the man’s face, but I’m not careful enough and I tread on a fallen branch. It easily snaps under my weight and the noise is enough to make him turn around.
I quickly crouch down, as low as I can go, hoping I’m shielded enough for him not to see me, or that he is in enough of a hurry that he will not want to investigate further, and will just assume it’s the noise of some animal. I look through the thinnest part of the bush, through a small space in the leaves, just enough to notice the gun that’s pinned to his belt and the police badge that sits on the other side. He looks around for a moment, saying nothing as he scans every part of the garden for any threat that might linger.
