“Now is not a good time, Steve. You need to leave.”
“But I need to talk to you,” he insists. “I need you to understand.”
“Understand?” I say, raising my voice even louder this time. “I’m not sure that catching you fucking my best friend . . . well, ex best friend . . . leaves anything to be understood. I understand perfectly!”
OK, yeah, now I’m pissed.
“We left it as if you were going to take some time to think about things. I told you we weren’t done, Sarah. I know you needed time. And I have given it to you. I am here now to take you home.”
“Are you insane, Steve? Really, are you actually insane?! I am not going anywhere with you. What part of you got caught cheating so we are over do you not understand?!”
“Sarah, this is about us. I know you felt something when we were together the other day. It meant something. That kiss meant something.”
Ugh. The only thing I can remember about that kiss is how I wanted to sear my lips off after he made that attempt.
“You wanted me,” he continues. “You remember how good we were. Don’t do this. We can be good again.” He keeps begging, and all I can think is how I want to run to Jack and have him make me forget by touching me all over my body with his lips and tongue.
Jack.
“Sarah . . .” Steve says, putting his hand on my shoulder. “That’s not what I meant. I know you want us to get back together. Please give me a moment—”
Out of nowhere I hear the front door slam shut. I turn to see Jack standing behind me with a look of death on his face.
Oh god! How long has he been there? What did he hear?
He sees Steve’s hand on my shoulder and instantly his jaw sets into a rock solid clench. I am not sure at this point if I should guard Steve because Jack might kill him, or if I should just step in front of Jack because, well, because Jack might kill him.
“Is everything OK out here?” Jack asks.
“Everything is fine,” I manage to say somewhat calmly. “This guy was just leaving.”
“This guy!?” Steve exclaims. “That’s what I am now?! Some guy?”
Here we go.
OK, now I think Jack is definitely considering killing Steve. Not that I want to take a second out of my life to speak to Steve, but at this point I can tell that Jack’s patience is running real thin and I need to get Steve out of here.
So I do the only thing I can think of to make that happen.
“Listen, Steve. I will talk to you, but not now, OK? Just please, leave. Give me some time.”
“How much time, Sarbear? I need you.” OK, now he’s done it.
I feel Jack take my shoulders and push me out of the way. This is so not going to end well.
“I think it’s time for you to leave, buddy,” Jack says with his last ounce of self-control.
“Leave? Who are you?” Steve turns to me and belts out, “Sarah, who is this guy?”
He totally catches me off guard. I don’t know how to answer that question. What is Jack to me? We said ‘I love you’ to each other, but we never talked about dating or girlfriend/boyfriend status. Are we exclusive? I just don’t know what to say, so I say, well, probably the worst thing I can possibly say in this moment.
“He’s a friend, OK? Now please just leave.”
I feel Jack tense up beside me. I don’t have to look at him to see the shock and betrayal in his eyes.
“OK, but if I don’t hear from you I’m coming back. We will talk, Sarbear,” Steve finishes. He tries to reach for me, but Jack stands in his way. Not wanting to go to battle with him, Steve decides it is best to skip the embrace and he turns and walks to his fancy BMW and drives away.
I just stand there.
Afraid.
Jack speaks first.
“How many times have you seen him since we’ve been together?” he asks, his voice chilling.
“Once before today,” I answer.
“Were you ever going to tell me about your little make-out session with your ex?” he asks, his voice on fire.
“Yes, I was going to . . . Maybe. I don’t know. It happened so fast. It wasn’t what I was expecting. I didn’t know he was going to kiss me.” I am stuttering over all my words. I just don’t know how this got so—
“So I can assume that day I came to pick you up, those flowers, they were from Romeo?”
“Yes,” I answer in a scared whisper. I don’t like where this is going. Jack is sweltering anger and I can feel it coming off his skin. He won’t even look at me.
“When he was sticking his tongue down your throat I assume you didn’t bother mentioning me?”
“It wasn’t like that, Jack,” I say, almost panicking. I can tell this is not going to end well. I turn to face him but he is like stone, staring out into the lawn. It is obvious he can’t even look at me.
“He said you two were together. Did you fuck him?” he spits out.
“God, no! It wasn’t like that!”
“So just now you let him put his hands on you and call you, what? Your bedroom pet name he has for you?!” His tone is harsh and striking.
“No! Jack, it’s not like that. I just wanted him gone. I didn’t know any other way—”
“So you degrade me, when I am trying to defend you from this jerk who tossed you aside for your fucking roommate, so you can just refer to me as nothing more than your friend?!” Now he is yelling.
I have pure panic in my tone and fear on my face. He is so angry. I should have told him about Steve coming over. I should have told him everything, but I just wanted to forget. I didn’t want it to be significant enough to even talk about.
“Jack, please, listen to me,” I plead and attempt to pull his shoulders to look at me. Shocking me, he throws my hands off him.
“You know, Sarah, I really thought you were better than that. I thought you were smarter and realized you deserved better. I guess I thought I had a part in that. But you seem to be still too swept-up in your ex to see what’s around you,” he says flatly.
“What! What are you talking about? I do see what’s in front of me. Jack, it’s you I see. I love you!” I say in shear panic. What is happening right now?
“Listen Sarah, I hope you are happy. If it’s not with me I hope it’s not back with him. But I’m not going to sit here and watch you fuck around with me while you debate whether you want to go back to that.” As he finishes, he points in the directions of Steve’s long-gone vehicle.
I try to grab at him again, and again he brushes me away. He starts walking away from me, toward his truck.
“Jack! Wait! What are you doing? You can’t just leave!” I start to cry because I don’t know what else to do. God, he can’t be leaving me right now!
“Jack, please let me explain,” I beg on a strangled cry.
“You had all weekend to explain. I’m done,” he says and leaves me to stare at his back. He jumps in his truck and bolts out of the driveway. He sends the truck in gear and takes off.
I drop to my knees.
What did I just do?
I begin to cry uncontrollably.
I cannot say that I have ever felt such pain before. I didn’t feel this much pain walking into my apartment and catching Stacey and Steve together, or after the outburst at Hamilton Corp and consequently losing my job. I didn’t feel this much pain when I came crawling home and locked myself in my bedroom for three months. What have I done?
I have ruined it. Everything. Why did I feel I had to guard Steve’s feelings about who Jack was? Why did I say what I said? I knew exactly what he was to me. He was my heart. The one I loved more than the air I breathed. I shouldn’t have guarded that from Steve because I felt nothing for Steve. Now, for the first time, I realize that there was nothing there for him in me. There wasn’t even hurt or hatred. Jack took that all away. I found peace with Jack. And now he is gone.
I continue to cry because I just don’t know how to pull myself in together or get my emotions on track.
Where do I go from here? I feel sick to my stomach. I can’t seem to catch my breath so I start to hyperventilate. Keeping up my choking sobs at this point is utterly useless. I believe this is what being completely broken feels like. He is gone and now I have nothing.
I sit in the lawn and just bawl. At some point I remember someone picking me up and carrying me into the house. I assume it was my poor dad. I cry in bed while listening to my mother soothe me with kind words while patting my back. I remember Aunt Raines coming in and out, trying to get me to drink some vermouth. I continue to lie in my bed in hopes that this is all a bad dream. I can’t be going through this again. And especially not with Jack.
I let sleep finally take me, hoping I will wake up from this nightmare. I squeeze my eyes shut and eventually my world goes black.
TWO DAYS PASS SINCE Jack left. I tried calling him at work and on his cell, but I just got his voicemail. In the beginning I left messages pleading for him to call me back, with no response. When I got up the nerve to just face him, I drove to his site to catch him at work, but Bill told me he had taken a job out of town and wouldn’t be back for a few more days. Without looking pathetic and desperate I thanked him and went on my way. I just couldn’t understand what went so wrong so fast. I couldn’t wrap my head around it. He wouldn’t even let me explain. It was killing me to not be able tell him how I really felt.
Two more days come and go and still no word from Jack. I have resorted to spending more time with Aunt Raines which only turns ugly after my excessive vermouth binges. It is like clockwork after my fifth glass: I call Jack’s phone and leave crying, sobbing, blubbering drunken messages. Not that I make any sense in them. Aunt Raines eventually unplugged the phone on me during happy hour just to save me some dignity.
I am so unhappy it hurts. The last thing Jack said to me before he stormed away was he hoped if it wasn’t with him at least I found happiness. It kills me that he thinks my happiness isn’t with him. He is all I want—all I ever wanted. I am sick not to see his face, feel his touch, the scent of his skin, his breath; it’s like an addiction I am being forced to wean off of.
I hate myself.
I hate myself for being so stupid.
Two days after the blowout, Steve called to try and talk, and I just went crazy. I screamed at the top of my lungs how I was never going to take a second of my time to speak to him about anything ever again. How we were so through, and the man that had been standing next to me was the man I was madly in love with. I ended it by telling him to go hell, never contact me again. Three days later, a courier service dropped off five boxes of my stuff. Apparently Steve got the message.
Which brings me pretty much to today. My day is going to consist of bonding with vermouth and Aunt Raines. She luckily volunteered to participate in my ‘Get it the fuck off my property’ garage sale, which consists of all the boxes Steve sent over. We’ve posted Garage Sale signs down the block and of course added ‘free stuff.’ It takes two glasses of vermouth each for Aunt Raines and I to drag all of the boxes to the front lawn. Box by box we dump the contents in the lawn. We set up our chairs in the middle of the lawn, a mini foldout table to hold the bottle and shaker, and sit in anticipation.
I am on my fourth glass when I see a truck driving down our street. My heart takes a leap hoping that it is Jack. The truck stops on the curb and parks. Holding my breath, I watch, but I’m disappointed when I see Bill get out of the truck.
He walks our way, with a bit of curiosity.
“What’s going on here?” he asks suspiciously.
“We are having a garage sale. Everything is free,” I slur. Man, how many have I had so far?
“I see that,” he says, eyeing me with sympathy. “I’m sorry to bother you, Sarah. I know you probably thought it was Jack. He sent me over here to sign off on the addition project. Since the guys are done and all.”
He doesn’t even want to see me. I know Jack has to sign off on everything, but I am that bad in his eyes. Without even realizing I am doing it, I wipe away a tear that escapes my eye.
“I’m sorry, Sarah. He’s really upset right now. Give him some time.”
I just nod. I try to hide the hurt and pain that is seeping from my face but I can’t. The tears keep falling. One would think that at some point they would stop.
“He loves you, Sarah. I can see it. He’s hurting too right now.”
No, it’s OK Bill, you don’t have to. I understand. Thanks for coming by. My mother is most likely in the kitchen so please see yourself inside,” I say and turn to hide my crumbled expression.
“Hey. Listen. It’s none of my business, but he gets home tomorrow. I am supposed to meet him at his house at seven in the evening to drop off all of his paperwork. I’m sure you can catch him then.”
I turn back and look at Bill. “Thanks,” I say quietly.
“No problem,” he says. “Good luck with the garage sale.” He smiles sympathetically and walks into the house.
I have so many thoughts running through my head. Do I go and force Jack to talk to me? What if he tells me he is done with me? Wait. He’s already told me that. I slump back into my chair next to Aunt Raines. How have I made such a mess of my life? Before, it was out of control, sure. But this time it is all my fault. I have brought this pain on myself.
“You OK, sweet girl?” Aunt Raines breaks my thought.
“I don’t think so, Aunt Raines. What do I do? Where do I go from here?”
“You go talk to that boy, sweet baby. You tell him how you feel. Make him listen. He will understand what happened.”
“I’m not so sure,” I say.
“Have some faith in him, baby. He loves you. He will listen.”
“And if he doesn’t?” I ask with panic again in my stomach, just thinking about him turning me away and that being it.
“Well then at least you tried. You can’t say you didn’t fight for him.”
She is so right. I have to fight. I am just so overwhelmed with uncertainty that he will turn his back to me, and then I will be alone. Without him. I never felt this with Steve. I wasn’t so hurt and pained because I wasn’t with him anymore; it was merely what he did to me. This time it’s different. The loss of Jack near me is suffocating. Without him I feel like I am struggling to breathe.
“Well, if he turns me down, I always have you, Aunt Raines,” I say, trying to lighten the mood.
“Not for long, sweet child. I’m off to go back home tomorrow, you know that.”
Oh my god! Why don’t I ever pay attention to dates?! Not only did Jack leave me, and will probably tell me to stay gone, now Aunt Raines is going back home too and I will officially be alone. I’m not sure I can justify vermouth hour on my own.
“I don’t want you to go, Aunt Raines,” I say with more emotion in my voice. Everyone is leaving me.
“You will make it just fine, baby. If things get too tight for you around here, my door is always open and you are welcome. The sun is shining every day there. And I can use some of your beautiful persuasion in my pursuit to sell jewelry.”
I have to laugh at that one. If all else fails I know that I’ll always have a place in my Aunt Raines’ world, with vermouth and big balky jewelry as my life plan. At least life isn’t totally hopeless.
“Thanks, Aunt Raines. I’ll make sure to keep that as a last resort.”
She grabs my hand and squeezes.
The rest of the day is less eventful. At some point both Aunt Raines and I pass out in our chairs. Right before though, some nice lady came by and was so overtaken by all the free stuff that she pretty much cleaned us out, mumbling things about fancy silk and brand names, until she couldn’t fit anything else in her car. She even took the picture of Steve that I had in a frame. I was happy to part with it. She was so overwhelmed that she might have even been crying. Well that made two of us.
That’s about when things got fuzzy. I wasn’t sure when Bill left, and was a bit embarrassed at my possible unconscious state when he did. I
was hoping he had kept it to himself and not mentioned anything to Jack about my over-indulging shenanigans.
I wake up as the sun is setting and nudge Aunt Raines to signal her inside, then I go upstairs to my room. I change out of my clothes and pull on one of Jack’s big T-shirts over my head. I lie down in the bed and try to decide what I should do next. I love him. I know that more than I know anything else right now. If I don’t at least try to make him understand then I can only blame myself. Bill said that Jack was hurting, and that thought tears me apart. He did nothing to deserve this from me and I’ve hurt him. With that thought, I settle more into my pillow and hug Jack’s shirt.
Working myself into a frenzy about what tomorrow could be, I finally start to drift. I’m assuming the five glasses of vermouth have a part in that. Then, thankfully, I sleep.
THE DAY IS DRAGGING at a snail’s pace. As it works, everything seems to go slower when you’re waiting for something. Deadlines come before you know. Times like when your love life hangs from the rafters. I can swear the clock is ticking backwards for most of today. I sit on the newly finished back deck addition with my mother who has been pretty quiet all day. It is new to be sober at this time of the day, but then again, I probably shouldn’t start drinking since I have to drive, not to mention sell my life and heart to a man.
I think about showering at this point but it takes effort I really don’t have. My stomach is in such a knot and I’m not sure I should be driving a vehicle. The chances of me hitting a tree on my way over are pretty high.
“You ready, sweet baby?” Aunt Raines says, interrupting my thoughts.
Oh god. It’s already time? I have to drop her off at the airport and then I will go to Jack’s. Bill said that he is expected there by seven. That will leave me some time to pace his front lawn and decide whether I should abort the mission and run like the wind.
“I am, Aunt Raines,” I say sullenly. I am going to miss Aunt Raines. She has been such a rock for me these past few weeks. She stood by me in my times of sadness and helped me off my ledge of misery. “I’m not ready to see you go, Aunt Raines,” I say, my eyes filling up with tears.
Life in a Rut, Love not Included (Love Not Included series Book 1) Page 15
