by E. L. Todd
“We all lose our way at some point in life. There’s no one on the planet who can say otherwise.”
“But this is different…I’m taking care of a little girl.”
He gripped both of my shoulders. “I know you’re panicking because everything is hitting you at once. You’ve always had Lydia for support, and now that she’s gone you’re scared. She’s a security blanket to you. But let me ask you this; when have you ever needed her help?”
I searched my memory.
“When have you ever called her and needed something?”
I couldn’t think of anything.
“You’ve never needed help, Arsen. You’ve done everything on your own. And you can make it the rest of the way.”
“You think?” I asked, searching for assurance.
“I know, Arsen. You’re an amazing father. You’ll get Abby through this. I’m not saying it will be easy and there won’t be hurdles in the way, but you will manage. I promise.”
“How can you make a promise like that?”
“Because I can,” he said simply. He dropped his hands while he regarded me. “When’s the funeral?”
“Wednesday.”
“Janice and I will be there.”
“You don’t have to do that…I know you didn’t like her.”
“Of course I didn’t like her. She was a cunt.” There was no remorse in his eyes. “I’m going for Abby.”
I nodded slightly. “Thank you.”
“She’s my first grandchild. You really think I’m going to let her down?”
I took a deep breath and tried to fight the moisture in my eyes. “I don’t know how I would have done this without you…all of this. You’ve given me so much. I feel like I haven’t done enough in return.”
“What are you talking about?” He patted my shoulder. “Being a parent is about expecting nothing in return. You love your kids even if they hate you. You love them even if they turn their backs on you. No matter what they do or say, they will continue to love their children fiercely. Arsen, you don’t need to do anything. I love you because I love you. It’s that simple.”
I looked away so he couldn’t see the warmth in my eyes. “You’ve even given me your daughter. It feels like she was made to love me.”
“Maybe she was,” he said. “Do you believe in fate?”
“Not really.”
“I didn’t believe in it either.”
“Until you met your wife?”
“No.”
I cocked an eyebrow.
“When my sister got married I believed in it. My sister and brother-in-law have something…really unique. Their love is on a whole different wavelength. You can’t look at them and deny soul mates.”
“Your wife isn’t your soul mate?”
He shrugged. “I believe some people are more compatible for others, and my wife is perfectly compatible for me. She’s the opposite side of my coin. She’s given me more joy than I’ve ever known, along with two kids and a beautiful marriage. But no, I don’t think she’s my soul mate.”
I never expected him to say that.
“But that means I love her more. Because if my soul mate walked through the door and was everything I’ve ever wanted in a partner, I wouldn’t even look at her. My heart and soul belong to my wife. And I choose to be with her because I love her more than words can explain. So, we’re stronger than soul mates.”
I smiled when he finished. “That’s pretty romantic, Ryan.”
He rolled his eyes. “Don’t tease me. I’m a very romantic guy but only my wife sees that side of me.”
“Thankfully.”
He nudged me in the side. “Don’t start acting like a dick. I already put up with Slade all the time.”
I chuckled then stepped away. “Okay. I’ll be nice.”
Ryan turned serious again. “I know you’re worried about Abby not having a mother, but Silke is great with her. Silke loves kids, she’s a role model, and she’ll love Abby like her own.”
“I know she will.” I appreciated the fact Ryan spoke about Silke and I like we would last forever. He recognized the love we had for each other and supported it.
“Take it one day at a time. And whenever you have a breakdown, come talk to me. I’ll talk you off the ledge.”
“Well, I could use some advice now…”
“About?”
“How do I handle the next two weeks? It’s usually the hardest time.”
He crossed his arms over his chest. “Keep Abby distracted. And keep her close to her family. Bring her by for dinner in the evenings. On the weekends, Janice and I will take her to do something fun. Let’s just make her feel loved as much as possible.”
That wasn’t difficult. “My daughter is lucky to have so many people who love her.”
“And so are you.”
***
We gathered in the church and took our seats. I wore a black suit, black collared shirt, and a black tie. Black was my least favorite color and I didn’t like wearing it. It reminded me too much of my old self, the one who wore the leather jacket and didn’t give a damn who he hurt.
Silke sat beside me, wearing a black dress with black wedges. Her hand was always locked in mine and I could feel her breath fall on my neck. She didn’t say much today, but she always made her presence known.
Ryan and Janice sat on the other side of her, both quiet and mournful. They hated Lydia and didn’t care she was gone. But they cared about Abby, and that’s all that mattered to me.
Slade and Trinity walked up the aisle then reached me. “So sorry, man.” Slade leaned down and hugged me hard, embracing me like a brother. “I’m here for you.”
“Thank you.” I hugged him back and nodded. “Thanks for coming.”
“Always.” He stepped away then hugged his sister.
Trinity came to me next and gave me a sad look. “I’m so sorry, Arsen.”
“Thank you, Trinity.”
She hugged me then kissed me on the cheek.
Slade kneeled in front of Abby. “Hey, Abby. You doing okay?”
She nodded and looked at the ground.
Slade pulled a small stuffed animal from his back pocket. “Could you hold onto this for me? I don’t want to lose him.”
Abby’s eyes brightened slightly. “Sure.” She took it from his hands and held it to her chest.
Trinity stared at Slade like she fell in love with him all over again.
“Watch him for me.” Slade squeezed her shoulder before he walked away, his wife moving with him.
Skye and Cayson came next, dressed in black and looking mournful. They greeted both of us before they took their seats in a different row. Then Mike, Sean, Scarlet, and Cassandra came.
“Is everyone coming?” I asked Ryan. I was surprised they all felt the need to be there.
“Yep,” Ryan answered.
“We’re here for you if you ever need anything,” Scarlet said to me.
“Thank you.” It meant a lot to me that they all came. I didn’t ask them to come. They just did it on their own.
Conrad came in with a blonde girl I’d never seen before. They greeted me before they took their seats.
Silke kept her hands in mine. “Are you doing okay?”
I nodded then glanced at Abby.
She continued to hold the dinosaur in her arms, clutching it like it might make her feel better.
Nancy came over and took the seat beside Abby. Her eyes were stained with tears, and she looked devastated. Her husband died many years ago, and now she lost her daughter. Abby was all she had left. She hoisted her onto her lap then rested her head on Abby’s shoulder. I let Nancy have Abby since she needed more comfort.
The funeral began and the final words were read. People sniffed into their tissues and cried on their neighbors shoulders. It was very warm inside the church, probably because it was packed with so many people.
I stared at the casket and felt nothing.
***
The casket was set on the ris
e before it was lowered into the grave. Everyone gathered around and said their last goodbyes. The wind moved through my hair and it was slightly chilly.
Rose pedals were placed in deep vases around the site. People grabbed handfuls of it and sprinkled the flowers inside the earth. Everyone came and went, saying a prayer under their breath.
I stood beside Silke with the rest of my family, saying nothing and remaining stoic. I tried to feel something for the loss of Lydia but I couldn’t. The last time we spoke she slapped me hard across the face. I wasn’t happy that she was dead. But I didn’t miss her either.
People hung around and made small talk before they headed to the wake, which was being held in the dining hall of the church. I stayed behind because I didn’t know what else to do. I wanted to stay but I also wanted to leave.
Ryan and Janice dropped the pedals inside then walked away. Everyone else did the same.
Silke had her arm hooked through mine. “Would you like to go?”
I looked down at Abby, who stood at my side clutching the stuffed animal. “I’ll take Abby.” I grabbed Abby’s hand and walked with her to the grave. My daughter was too young to really understand what was happening, but I wanted her to say goodbye to her mother. It would mean a lot to Lydia.
I placed the pedals in her small hand then grabbed my own. Then we stood over the grave together.
“What do I do?” Abby asked, staring down into the hole.
“Drop the pedals inside, like this.” I released my hand and the pedals drifted across the mahogany wood of the casket.
“Why?” she asked.
“It’s a farewell parting.”
Abby looked at her hand before she relaxed it. The pedals fell down to the earth.
I put my hand on Abby’s shoulder as I stood over the grave with her. I tried to think of something to say but words failed me in that moment. Was there anything I could say to make this better?
“Is Mommy happy?” Abby looked up at me, sadness in her eyes.
“She is. She’s in a much better place.”
She looked down again. “So, I’ll see her again someday?”
“Someday. But not today.” I kissed her forehead and kept my emotion back. “We’re going to be okay, sweetheart. I promise.”
“Okay…” She headed straight to Ryan and ran into his waist, wrapping her arms around him.
Ryan rested his hand on her head and gave her a small smile.
I turned back to the grave and looked down. This was my last time near Lydia and I thought I should say something, whether she could hear it or not. “I know you and I didn’t get along very well but…you were a great mom to Abby. She and I will both miss you very much. I know I wasn’t there for Abby when I should have been but I promise I’ll always take care of her. You can rest in peace knowing that.” The breeze moved through my hair, as if she was responding to what I had said. “I’ll do my very best to raise her right, and Abby will never be alone. I have the rest of my family to look after her.” I dug my hands into my pockets as I stood there. “Goodbye, Lydia.”
***
I drank my wine while everyone mingled inside the ballroom. Some people laughed while they told stories of Lydia. Other people were still crying. I wasn’t sure how to behave around all these people. Most people knew I was the man who abandoned her after I knocked her up. I doubt many of them liked me.
“How’s the shop?” Slade asked as he stood beside me.
He brought me out of my trance. “Oh…it’s good.”
“Sell any choppers lately?” He held a beer in his hand.
“Actually, I did last week.”
“Sweet,” Slade said. “You make good commission?”
“Well, I make whatever the difference is between the cost of the bike and the price I sell it for. So, not really.”
He chuckled. “You’re still getting paid so that’s nice.”
Abby stood at Janice’s waist playing with the stuffed dinosaur Slade got her.
“You’re good with kids,” I said.
“Me?” he asked in surprise. “Yeah right.”
“You’ve made this day so much easier for Abby.” I clapped him on the shoulder. “You’re going to be a great father.”
He bowed his head. “I don’t know about that…”
“I do.” Trinity hooked her arm through his and gave him an affectionate look.
Cayson came up to me with Skye in tow. “Okay, my fiancé says I can’t pull off a leather jacket but I don’t think that’s true. What do you think?”
“That’s a random question,” I said with a laugh.
“Just answer it,” Cayson said. “I can, right?”
Skye shook her head.
I cringed. “Uh…no comment.”
“What?” Cayson asked, disappointment coming into his face. “You don’t think I can?”
“You’re just too…nice.” I shrugged. “It’s not an insult.”
“I don’t care what you guys say,” Cayson said. “I can pull off a leather jacket.”
“No, he can’t,” Slade said in my ear.
“What did you say?” Cayson asked. “Best man?”
“I was telling him something about Trinity,” Slade said quickly.
“Yeah, sure.” Cayson walked away, leaving Skye behind.
She was smiling like she was trying not to laugh.
“Wants to be a bad boy, huh?” Trinity asked.
“I’m not sure why,” Skye said as she crossed her arms over her chest.
“They aren’t all that great,” Trinity said. “Annoying most of the time, actually.”
“I’m not annoying,” Slade argued.
Trinity gave him a look that clearly said, “Oh really?”
“Okay…maybe I am,” Slade admitted. “But I’m not as annoying anymore.”
“I’ll give you that,” Trinity said.
The rest of them started to argue about Slade’s annoying levels.
“He peed on the toilet seat until he was sixteen,” Ryan said.
“And he used to dip celery sticks in mustard,” Janice said.
“Hey,” Slade argued. “I still do that.”
“Gross.” Skye cringed as she looked at him.
“It’s not gross,” Slade said. “Try it.”
“Eww, no,” Skye said.
“I can’t believe you married him,” Silke said.
Trinity stayed by his side. “He has a lot of quirks and he can be super weird, but he’s the sweetest and sexiest man I’ve ever known.”
Slade grinned from ear to ear. “Yeah?”
“Yeah,” she said.
He grabbed her hand. “Let’s go find a broom closet or something…”
Trinity rolled her eyes.
I stared at my group of friends and felt my body flush in heat. They were there to support Abby and I, and I felt lucky to have such great people in my life. Just when things became dark, they reminded me that the sun was just around the corner. They made me feel alive.
Time on this earth was short and it passed in a blink of an eye. And if someone asked what I would want to do for the last minute of my existence, it would be this. With the woman I loved, my daughter, and my family.
To Be With You
Book Twenty-Eight of the Forever and Ever Series
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