by Trisha Leigh
The way he studiously avoids meeting my eye or holding a conversation says that although we might have inched toward understanding last night, our relationship hasn’t returned to its previous ease. I try to ignore the twist in my stomach at the realization. It doesn’t matter how badly I want more from him, it only matters that we can work together. Lucas, Pax, and I. Three of the only four Dissidents.
This morning I vow to try harder to focus on our goals, to be cheerful, and to not give Lucas any reminders of how he’s been all alone while Pax and I have had each other. When he sighs and closes the book several minutes later, I grin. “Well?”
“Well what?”
I roll my eyes. “Don’t be difficult. What did you think of the book?”
“I think…it was good. Weird, to read for a purpose outside of learning, don’t you think?” When his eyes meet mine, Lucas looks as though he wants to turn away but can’t. Like an invisible tether binds us together across the room.
We need this, the time to sit and talk about our lives and what they could mean on Earth without the interruption of the Others or Pax. Not that it’s good Pax can’t talk, or that we can’t set out to get Deshi right away. But the chance to be alone, to rebuild some trust, fills me with a little bit of hope.
“At first, it did feel strange. I love it, though. I love all the books. Anne of Green Gables is my favorite, but you might not like it so much.” I don’t say that Wrinkle is Pax’s favorite, even though the thought crosses my mind. “What was your favorite part?”
“Hmm. Honestly, the whole thing. The way everything is made up and not at all like reality, but the people still feel real. Like one of the stupid movies the Others make us watch, only better because my mind describes the words in more detail. Does that make sense?”
I’ve almost forgotten how Lucas thinks. It’s so deliberate and encompasses all of the thoughts I’ve had and a million more I haven’t. The way his brain strings them together always makes perfect sense.
“Of course. Maybe we should write a story about our grand adventure to rescue Earth.”
He returns my smile, both of us acknowledging my feeble attempt at humor. It’s hard to laugh while blinking back tears.
“We’d have to know a lot more about ourselves, I think. And how this all ends.”
“Maybe not. We could make it up. Might be more interesting than the truth,” I say.
“It’d be happier, that’s for sure.” Lucas sounds so sad; the words rumble out of his chest like a waterfall of tears. His smile slips out of his eyes, and the unexpected regret that takes its place doesn’t quite make sense to me, even in the context of our conversation.
I change the subject, needing to recapture our playful banter, to put the dire consequences of our existence onto the back burner, if only for another few hours.
“How about the ending of the book?” Okay, so maybe it’s not my favorite part, but it’s certainly the most relevant. My favorite part of the book is when Calvin kisses Meg, but now’s probably not the right time to bring up that particular moment.
Lucas glances away, tugging on his ear the way he does when he thinks. The gesture, so familiar I ache, warms me from my heart down to my toes.
“It’s weird to see that this book was written in nineteen-sixty-two. More than fifty years before the Others came here. Yet…” He raises his eyebrows, not needing to finish the thought.
The date caught my attention, too. As if the woman who wrote the story somehow knew what would come to pass. I shiver despite the fire. “The Others will torture us until we give up, too.”
“Maybe they’re not all as bad as we thought.” Lucas’s voice comes out so softly it barely reaches my ears, but still it shakes loose my good mood.
“Why would you say that?” Shock numbs my reaction. In all of our conversations about humans and whether or not we should help them, if we could figure out how, I had been the one unconvinced of our duty to save them. Not one of those conversations had ever suggested Lucas thought the Others were anything other than the enemy. “You were the one who defended the humans, who said they had a right to their emotions and their own choices.”
He shrugs, as though I’m asking him why he didn’t put a new roll of wastepaper on the holder. “Maybe I was wrong. That’s all I’m saying. We don’t know a whole lot about how things were before, and this could be better.” He pauses, shooting me a quick look, maybe to gauge my reaction. “And we don’t know everything about the Others. Even if it’s not right, what’s happening here, maybe our place isn’t on Earth.”
The suggestion rattles my brain harder than Zakej ever did with his beatings, the seed of doubt over Lucas’s subtle change sprouting tiny leaves. Ever since we learned that being Dissidents meant we have one Other parent and one human parent, it’s seemed clear that one side is right and the other wrong.
“Where is this coming from?”
Before Lucas can answer, Pax groans from the sofa, stealing my attention. When he doesn’t calm down on his own, I go to him and brush the hair off his sweaty forehead. The smell of him, normally smoky and spicy-sweet, barely registers over the reek of sickness.
That’s the moment the whole scene hits me as a potential threat. Dread falls through me like a boulder, and no matter how I try to explain it away, it only grows.
While Pax lies unconscious, his place in the hive mind sits unprotected.
Since the Others know I have a sinum, they’ll assume we all do. And they’ll be searching for the boys’ as well. Pax has never been to the hive, but if I have an alcove, he has an alcove. The Others can find it eventually, the way Fire found mine all those years ago, before I knew a hive mind even existed.
Pax’s body is dealing with enough right now without the Others getting hold of his mind, too. More than that, though, if they get into his alcove while he’s too weak to protect information, they could find us.
They could find out what we can do, if they haven’t already put two and two together after the debacle in Portland. The Others’ intelligence rates too high to accept the massive number of shed veils on the same day Lucas and Pax arrive to save me as a mere coincidence. That cat is probably at least halfway out of the bag.
I turn to express my fears to Lucas, then remember I never told him anything about our spots in the hive. Last autumn I hadn’t wanted him and Cadi to know my mother talks—talked—to me in my mind. If only I’d said something sooner, perhaps Cadi could have shown us a better way to protect ourselves.
Lucas’s face hardens into stone at my expression. He must only see a girl panicked over Pax’s health, which, while not untrue, isn’t what’s making it hard to breathe at the moment. Instead of feeling desperate over his misunderstanding, white-hot anger flares again at the way he’s clinging to petty concerns. The three of us have one another; we can trust no one else. Pax is fighting for his life, Lucas has been afraid and alone for weeks, and half of Portland is Broken, which is our fault.
It’s ridiculous for him to be angry at Pax, or me, for last season.
I fold my arms across my chest, unclenching my teeth enough to spit out, “You have to stop this. I thought we settled it last night. What happened last season is over. It’s done. Maybe nothing will ever be the way that it was, Lucas, but it’s time to look forward, not back.”
“I get it, Althea. Nothing is the same. Not you, not me. Certainly not us.” His gaze flicks to Pax again, almost as though he can’t help it.
My body almost rips in two, half wanting to shake sense into Lucas and the other part dying to step into his arms and beg him to see that we can still figure this out—that just because things have changed doesn’t have to mean they’re gone.
While the halves of me struggle to come to terms with the fact I can do neither, I close my eyes and count to ten. When I open them, the sorrow in Lucas’s eyes almost makes me soften.
I push it aside and point at Pax. “He’s lying here fighting for his life, Lucas. He’s one of us, and we need hi
m. More than that, he’s my friend. He saved my life, and I saved his, and together we survived.”
Lucas says nothing, but uncrosses his arms. His shoulders slump. “He came to get me, too.”
“Yes. And right now there’s a chance the Others could get information from Pax while he’s unconscious. I’m going to explain it to you, but I need to you trust me, okay?” I want to ask if he remembers how. A few months ago the second part of that statement would have been unnecessary.
Pained realization flickers and he nods. The temperature in the room lowers a noticeable amount, leaving me to wonder what emotion attacks him so forcefully. It hurts all over again that it’s not written on his face.
I take a deep breath and plunge in. “Remember how Cadi told us about the hive, and the tunnels? How the Others are connected all the time, and the Prime controls their minds?” I give him the short version of how Fire found my alcove and would push through my natural defenses to communicate with me, and an even shorter account of what happened last winter when Zakej found me, too. “But since Pax has no defenses now, if they find his mind alcove—his sinum—they’ll be able to just know everything.”
For some reason, none of this information seems to shock Lucas, who sits listening to my crazy tale of brain tunnels and mental alcoves that feel like real places. It’s not going to help his understanding to tell him about the torture sessions Zakej subjected me to in the hive mind, so I leave it out, figuring this is enough to deal with at once. Maybe he’s still processing, or simply doesn’t believe me. “Lucas, I know it sounds wild, but I swear—”
“I believe you.” He says this with a slight smile, not big enough to show me his dimple.
It leaves me a little breathless anyway, though that could also be the desperate explanation I just wheezed out. “You do?”
“Sure. I’ve been to my own sinum several times. With my father.”
CHAPTER 3.
It’s like Lucas suddenly speaks a strange, incomprehensible language. If he knows about the sinums, and his father has been meeting him in the tunnels, then…
“Lucas, you can’t do that anymore. It’s how the Others found me. They followed Fire.”
My voice catches on her name, a reaction from my poor heart that still doesn’t know for sure if my mother betrayed me on purpose or simply didn’t take enough precautions. Our Element parents, with the exception of Earth—Deshi’s father—helped us escape Portland. It should count in their favor, but they’re still Others, still the enemy, even if I can maybe believe they’re the lesser of two bad things. If what happened with Fire proves anything, it’s that we can’t let our guard down.
“I know. My dad told me what Zakej did to you.” Storm clouds gather behind his eyes and lightning flashes, shaking my limbs with the cold air that follows. “If he had told me in time I wouldn’t have let them hurt you like that.”
His gaze, rough and contemptuous, flicks to Pax again. Maybe part of Lucas’s anger stems from the idea that Pax didn’t take good enough care of me, not that he’s jealous of our relationship. The sentiment warms and prickles at the same time. I love the way Lucas’s protective nature makes me feel safe, but I don’t need to be shielded from everything. Pax understands I can take care of myself, and he’s never babied me. It made me believe I’m as strong as either of them.
Memories of the Observatory Pod, of watching Kendaja kiss Ko until his brain slid onto the floor, work a shudder through me.
Maybe I’m stronger than the boys are.
“Lucas, nothing that happened to me was Pax’s fault. He did what he had to do, and so did I.”
“He should have done a better job.”
Pain and impotence vibrate from Lucas, and telling him not to care about the agony I’ve endured seems like a silly thing. No matter how angry he feels right now, how hurt or betrayed, my life means a great deal to him.
He lets me pick up his hand and squeeze. “I’m okay. Truly.”
He swallows hard, swiping a thumb over my knuckles. “I know I’ve said this before, but I’m relieved to see it with my own eyes.”
The room flickers and dims, disappearing around us as Lucas stares at me with that smile, those hungry eyes, as though he wants to touch me to make sure I’m real. A familiar but still thrilling realization dawns then—he’s going to kiss me. As much as the butterflies flapping in my stomach and my heart shout yes, a small but insistent voice in my ear warns against it.
He knew Zakej had you in the hive and did nothing, it hisses. And still he thinks the Others aren’t so bad.
I drop his hand and move back, biting my lip at the injured surprise in his eyes.
“So, how did Apa know what happened? And why did he continue to put you in danger like that if he knew what happened to Fire and me?” The questions tumble out, more of an attempt to distract us both from the almost-kiss than anything.
“After that happened to you, he realized we don’t know how to protect our minds while we’re not focused, and he showed me. Together we made a pretty much indestructible barrier to my alcove.” Pride and something else—determination, maybe—steels Lucas’s eyes.
The never-ending worry that we can’t trust our parents kicks my gut over and over, but instinct says that with whatever happened between Lucas and his father last season, he won’t be open to listening to disparaging remarks. Not yet.
And I’m not convinced Water didn’t know what was happening with me until it was too late to help. Part of me wonders if he wants to keep Lucas to himself.
Still, his statement intrigues me, whether it stems from days spent with Apa or not. “How did you do it? Protect your sinum?”
“It’s like how I borrowed your power in Portland. It flowed between my father and me and created this perfect barrier of ice at least ten feet thick. What’s really cool is that it allows the two of us to pass through, so he could still meet me to talk.”
“What did you talk about?”
He pauses so long that it gives the distinct impression that he doesn’t want to tell me. “There’s a lot he can’t tell us because of the thing where the Others can’t reveal the secrets to their survival. But he did share our Elemental legacy, more than what the Others teach us, and some of what the Elements do on Earth to control the climate.”
Fear blossoms, darkening the edges of my vision for a moment, but I blink it away. Maybe Lucas’s visits with his father have confused him. That’s likely what Apa intended. But does it mean I can’t trust Lucas? Not in the sense that he would betray me to the Others, but in the sense that he may no longer be willing to fight for humanity.
My mind clenches around the idea, trying to force it loose. I can’t know for sure, and as much as it hurts, the problems between us are going to have to wait.
Focus returns, grabbing on to the one thing that matters more than anything else. “We have to go into the hive. You can show me how to make the barrier and we can make sure they can’t get at Pax, if they find him.”
“Okay.”
The quick acquiescence takes me aback, although it shouldn’t. He might blame Pax for keeping me away last winter, and he might be confused about our parents, but our immediate safety trumps those things.
I take a deep breath and pat the floor next to me. “Come here.”
The fresh coolness of him calms my overheated nerves. Lucas gives me a sideways smile, raising an eyebrow. “How do we go together? I’ve never done that.”
“Pax and I went once. We hold hands and share a little bit of energy, focus on where we want to go. That’s all.” I haven’t considered how we’ll get where we intend. I’ve never had more than one choice. “We should try to land in your sinum, not mine. The Others have been working at getting through my wall.”
Lucas’s hand tightens on mine almost painfully. “We’ll figure out how to fix it. I promise.”
“Yeah, but not today. I can still protect myself well enough. Pax is defenseless.” He meets my eyes and we agree in silence. “Close you
r eyes, focus on your sinum. I’m just going to try to follow you.”
Wolf cocks his head at us, his clear eyes asking a question. “We’ll be back, Wolf. You keep an eye on Pax, okay?”
He chuffs like he’s agreeing with me, which makes me smile through the nerves splintering my confidence. I focus on the bitter, steady flow of energy from Lucas’s hand around mine. A picture of the hive steadies in my mind—packed dirt walls, shallow alcoves, endless twists and branches—and then we’re there.
And I’m alone.
Tunnels stretch in every direction. In front of me a milky, opaque wall reaches top to bottom, left to right, covering this particular sinum. The substance nearly freezes to my palm. It’s ice, which means this is Lucas’s alcove, but he’s not here.
Panic races through my blood like fire, but before it turns my insides to ashes, Lucas steps through the wall. As though it’s not even there.
“How did you do that?”
“Don’t know. It’s like walking through a waterfall. You mean you can’t get in?”
I put a hand against the ice for a split second, demonstrating its solidity.
“Huh. Must be because it’s mine? And Apa and I built it, so he can get in and out too.” He smiles. “Nice to know it works on everyone.”
The fact that he doesn’t refer to Water as “Dad” relaxes me a little, at least on the inside. Outside, every muscle winds into a tight ball. We’re here. The problem is, how are we going to find Pax? The Others have undoubtedly been searching for weeks—maybe longer—without success. And then the answer dawns on me. “We have to go back to the cabin.”
“What? We just got here!” His eyes ask if I’ve lost my mind.
Maybe I have, but we’re not going to get anywhere but caught wandering around in here alone. “We’ll never find him like this. If we go back, try to follow Pax from the start, it might work.”
Instead of arguing, Lucas reaches out a hand, takes mine, and the two of us close our eyes. I picture the cabin, Wolf in front of the fire, Pax stretched out on the sofa.
