by Trisha Leigh
This time we’re both here. Lucas’s right eye is so puffy it’s almost closed, and blood dribbles from his nose, but we’re alive. They didn’t get us, and our minds are safe.
“You came back for me.”
“Of course I did. From now on, where you are, I am.” The words come out automatically, and even though I mean them, it occurs to me that the choice might not always be so simple. Especially if one day Lucas decides his place is on a spaceship with his father.
The thought clogs my throat with tears. Without thinking, I toss my arms around Lucas’s neck and bury my face in the hollow spot between his collarbone and his shoulder, breathing in deep to memorize the safe smell of him.
His breath catches, and I unwind my arms and slide self-consciously backward, replaying the kiss Pax and I shared after a similar panic on my part, wondering if Lucas would push me away if he knew. But Lucas’s eyes won’t let mine go, as though he holds them captive somehow from a couple feet away.
“Althea.” He groans, as though I’m driving him mad.
I don’t know why he says my name that way, or why I don’t move when he leans forward slowly until his blue eyes are all I can see. His mouth touches mine, hesitant and sweet at first. His lips are freezing cold, mine are melting hot, and I stop thinking about all the reasons I should pull away.
When he feels me give in, Lucas threads his fingers through my hair, tilting my face toward him. The room fades and nothing matters. Not Pax on the couch, not Wolf looking on, not the near miss a moment ago, not the months of separation.
Lucas’s hands roam down my arms, slide around to the small of my back, and gather me against him until there’s no space left between us. His lips part softly and our tongues tangle together, desperately seeking and finding the proof that we’re alive and safe and together. Pleasant waves of dizziness return, thick and sweet and this time not born of fear. I never want to stop kissing him, but then, out of nowhere, I hear him saying maybe we’ve been wrong about where we belong.
I remember Deshi alone with the Others—and Cadi and Ko and Griffin and Greer. My hands shake as they release Lucas’s shirt, then press against his chest, shoving him away from me. In my own space, the world is cold and dark. The look on his face freezes my heart until it shatters into pieces inside me. The combination of hurt and humiliation make me want to curl back into him, but that would only get us right back where we were moments ago.
And even though that’s a place I’d like to stay, I can’t.
“Lucas…” I want him to interrupt, to say it’s okay and he understands, but his lips press into a thin line, letting me know I’m not getting out of this. I pulled away from our kiss; he wants to know why.
The problem comes when the reasons try to line up in my mind. They jump and blur until they’re not clear. “There’s so much going on. Pax is hurt. We can hardly sleep without putting ourselves in danger. We can’t go any farther without freeing Deshi, whose been captured for months. You’ve been gone, and Ko is dead…I just, I don’t…”
“Things have changed. I remember.” The words are reluctant and sad, rolled over hot coals until they’re melted at the edges.
“No. I mean, yes, they have, but…everything’s a mess. We’ve been apart, and at any rate, we have more important things to worry about than our feelings or our personal lives or whatever.” I reach out but he jerks away from my hand, refusing to meet my gaze. I bite down on my lower lip hard enough to distract myself from the pain in my heart. “If we figure out a way out from under the Others, then maybe we can think about everything else.”
If he even wants a way out from under the Others.
“Sure. I get it.”
“You can’t tell me you don’t agree, Lucas. Lives are at stake, and not just ours. We can’t waste time kissing or worrying about each other’s feelings. We have to work together, all three of us, with nothing to get in the way.”
I swallow, take a deep breath, and find the truest reason for pushing him away. “It’s too scary to imagine a future where the Others are gone and we’re still alive. Like it will never be real. I can’t…it hurts. I can’t look that far ahead.”
In the aching silence I hear Lucas’s indecision, his hurt and embarrassment. The need that so recently wrapped around us plucks its fingers away one at a time until we are no longer connected by it. Most of all I hear the confusion, ringing so loud that it must be coming from both of us at the same time.
He reaches out a hand toward Wolf, letting him sniff before rubbing the top of the dog’s head. Wolf has grown as fond of Lucas as he is of Pax and me. It’s making me want to pull my hair out, waiting for him to agree with me. It’s unlike him to waver, to not be quick to reassure me that my feelings are warranted, and it crosses my mind again that perhaps I don’t know him as well as I think I do. Not anymore.
“I understand what you’re saying, Althea, I do. I’m afraid, too.”
“But?”
Lucas’s eyes are shuttered like they were when I first met him, when there were cautious walls between us. “Are you sure it’s not about Pax?”
It’s a little bit true, but not in the way he’s thinking. Before I can figure out how to respond—or if he even deserves an answer—a moan comes from the couch. As though he heard his name, Pax’s eyes blink open, then fall closed. When he pries his lids up a second time they stay that way, and he focuses on the ceiling like it’s inscribed with a fascinating story. Even if he didn’t hear his name, the tension in the room is certainly capable of waking the dead.
I slide to the couch on my knees, grabbing Pax’s hand. “Hey. How do you feel?”
Slowly, as though even shifting his gaze pains him, Pax rolls his eyes my direction. It takes another several seconds before they focus on my face and that infuriating smile tries to make an appearance. Even though it’s wobbly, the thing still makes my heart thud because it’s a sign that Pax’s brain survived this ordeal unharmed.
“How do you feel?” I ask again, brushing his hair back from his sweaty forehead.
“Like I’ve been impaled by a piece of playground equipment.” He shifts and winces, then presses his cheek into my hand. “Better, now.”
“Seriously. Can you stop being Pax for a minute and assess your injuries? We’ve been worried sick.” His fever has broken, though, which must be a good sign.
Pax groans a little as he rolls his neck from one side to the other, eyes sweeping the room. He quirks an eyebrow at me. “We? I don’t see Winter anywhere.”
I refuse to take the bait. Lucas must have left the room when Pax woke up.
“Maybe he wanted to give us a few minutes alone,” Pax murmurs in a low voice, one that warms my cheeks.
It makes me frown. “Part of the jungle gym went through your shoulder, but the biggest concern is in your stomach and side. Do you think you can sit up?”
He makes a short-lived effort, then lies back with a gasp. “No. Not yet. I’m really thirsty, though. What happened, anyway? I mean how did we get out of there after the Others showed up? And where are we?” Wolf pads over and noses Pax’s hand, which I dropped when he started flirting half a minute after he woke up. “Hey, dog. I’m okay.”
Wolf whines as though he’s unconvinced, then settles on the floor under Pax’s hand. The sound of banging cabinet doors makes me jump—Lucas must be looking for some lunch.
“Our parents helped. Your dad lifted the jungle gym off you, and Lucas and I got you away while they fought with Pamant and the Others. Then we went through Griffin’s portal and wound up here. I don’t know where here is, exactly, but it seems to be safe. At least while we’re awake.”
Understanding dawns in his pale face. “While I was out, you and Winter came and fortified my sinum. I thought I dreamed that.” He sounds uncomfortable, and not just because he can barely move without flinching.
If I know Pax, it’s because he doesn’t like taking help from anyone. Also it’s weird to hold conversations with people while you’re as
leep. “Well, you helped. We were barely there.”
I sigh, exhausted by the thought of everything we’ll need to rehash now that he’s awake. Like Lucas spending last season having intimate conversations with his father in the Others’ hive. “I’ll get you some water.”
In the kitchen, Lucas watches a pot of water on the gas stove. He doesn’t look up as I grab a glass from the cabinet, wipe the dust out with a towel, and fill it with water from a jug of melted snow. “You know, they say that will never boil if you watch it.”
No response, so I walk to his side, careful to leave space between us. Lucas turns quickly, catching my face in between his palms and staring into my eyes with a familiar, determined expression.
“I’m sorry for being a jerk out there. Whatever happened last season between you and Pax, or didn’t, I don’t care. I know we spent some time apart, and that we didn’t make each other any promises last autumn. We didn’t have time, really, but I would have, Althea. I still would.”
My heart bangs against my rib cage. I want him to stop talking. I want him to talk forever.
“But I know you’re scared of believing in a someday that might not come true. We don’t know what’s going to happen this afternoon, never mind tomorrow and the next day. We’re leaving disaster in our tracks and there’s nothing but a wasteland of horrors stretching in front of us. So we’ll focus on the task at hand. I’ll do what you asked and drop the feelings between us.” At my sigh, a mixture of regret and relief, his fingers tighten, forcing my eyes back to his. “For now, Althea.”
I wish more than anything that I could lean forward and lose myself in his lips. Instead I give him a nod and a small smile, and he releases his grip on my cheeks. “Thank you.”
The water has started boiling, and he turns back to it. The straightforward confession of his intentions burrows into my bones, into a place so deep that no matter what happens, what decisions I’m forced to eventually make or where my trampled and hopelessly snarled heart takes me, I’ll never lose it.
“So how’s Pax?”
“Thirsty. Achy. He seems to be on the mend, though. When you’re ready we need to catch him up. Talk about a potential plan of action once he’s back in the game.” I pick up the glass of water and move toward the doorway.
When I turn back to look at Lucas, his sky blue eyes crinkle at the corners. Our gazes fuse like they did the first day we met, when the world disappeared around me and everything changed for the better. I smile back without thinking, then turn and go back to Pax.
CHAPTER 5.
As Pax heals, the relationship between the three of us deteriorates. I’m the glue holding us together, and it’s not only getting more difficult, it’s more exhausting. No one single thing is the problem; it’s actually being cooped up and stagnant more than anything else. Outside, the weather alternates between attempts at spring and backslides into winter; some days are so pleasant that I’m comfortable with no coat and others a bitter wind rattles the windows in their casings.
We’ve been trying to come up with ideas for rescuing Deshi. They’re never going to let him go, so the first order of business is to find out where they’re keeping him. First, Pax needs to be able to move without gasping for breath, and I need to be able to sleep without fear of being tortured.
I stopped sleeping three nights ago. I just have a gut instinct my wall isn’t strong enough to keep me safe anymore.
Even though I try to hide my fatigue by taking hunting trips with Wolf and making excuses to stay up reading, both boys have noticed. I’ve even caught the two of them talking quietly when I’ve walked into the room, which is odd.
Although if I have to die from exhaustion to get them to try being friends, it might be worth it. The funny thing is, there’s no reason Pax and Lucas shouldn’t be friends. They’re different, that’s true, but they share important traits like intelligence and loyalty. At the very least, I’m hoping that spending time camped out here in the middle of nowhere will allow us all to appreciate the strengths and weaknesses of our little band of oddballs.
Today they are together on the couch, heads bent, whispers skating across the hardwood floor like marbles while Wolf chomps on a bone by the fire. Itchy annoyance sneaks into my blood, and I drop an armload of firewood. The crash startles them both.
“Okay, out with it. You two have been thick as thieves the last couple of days and it’s freaking me out.”
“I thought you wanted us to be best friends.” Pax’s slow smile droops; he’s about as tired as I am even though he sleeps away half the day.
“I’m not saying I don’t, but I would like to be included in the chum bucket.”
“What does that even mean?” Pax chuckles.
I rub my stinging eyes, force them to focus. “I don’t know. I’m too tired to make sense of things before they come out of my mouth, never mind after.”
“That’s what we’ve been discussing, actually. Winter told me what you guys overheard in the hive. That they’re taking down your wall and waiting for you.” Pax pins me with an intense gaze.
Lucas’s matching one helps hold me in place. “We know you haven’t been sleeping. Is your wall totally gone?”
I sink onto the floor beside Wolf. “I don’t know, but it doesn’t feel like I can trust it anymore, not enough to sleep. We need to go back and find a way to close it off for good. I can’t…” Words stick in my chest. Terror washes through me at the memories of the last time Zakej and the Prime caught me in the hive, but neither Pax or Lucas needs any more guilt as far as that’s concerned, so I skirt the issue. “I can’t be alone with them again. It’s too much to bear, that I might give away our secret.”
That’s true enough. The fact that we can undo the veils they place in human minds is the last weapon we possess.
But it’s also the fact that I’m just not sure I can handle the pain again.
I’ve given the boys few details about what it’s like to be at the Others’ mercy, but they’ve both tasted the pain for short periods of time. Pax said Deshi seemed near Breaking the last time he saw him in Other custody, and both Ko and Cadi looked more dead than alive after months of torture. Right now Lucas and Pax appear to share a concern over my sanity.
I take a shaky breath. If I have to play on their sympathies, so be it. “I want to go back in—the three of us, when Pax heals enough—and find a way to protect my mind. I’m so tired.”
Lucas starts shaking his head before the last half of the sentence forms in my sleep-deprived mind.
“No. It’s too dangerous. They’re guarding you, and who knows how many are there.” Lucas leans forward, his hands on his knees. “It won’t be like before, when they were surprised to see us. They’ll be waiting for you.”
My irritation spikes, shoving adrenaline through my weak limbs. A throbbing begins at the base of my skull, reaching clawed fingers deeper into my brain with every beat of my heart. “It only sounded like a couple. There are three of us. They can’t know exactly when I’ll fall asleep, so there’s still an element of surprise. We can disable them together, build the wall in less than a minute, and get out.”
Pax leans back into the cushions, flinching as he pulls his legs up onto the couch. “I don’t think it’s going to be as simple as all that, but we still need to try.”
Lucas shoots to his feet, running a hand through his curls. His gaze turns wild and angry as he turns away from me to face Pax. “Do you realize what you’re saying? What could happen? We’re protected, but she isn’t. If anything goes wrong, you and I will get out and she’ll be stuck there with them. Again.” When Pax doesn’t respond, refusing to pull his eyes from me, Lucas steps in between us. “Isn’t it bad enough that you left her alone with them once?”
“Lucas.” His name slips out, aghast on my tongue.
When he turns to me, the expression on his face backs me up a couple of steps. Anger mottles his pale cheeks a splotchy red, and a tremble besets his hands. “What, Althea? I can’t say w
hat we’re all thinking? That he left you there to endure torture instead of letting you go and staying behind?”
“Pax did what he had to do. You weren’t there, you don’t know. There wasn’t time for us to switch places. And I’m fine. We all survived. We’re not going to get anywhere fighting with one another about what’s already happened.” My insides twist into knots, nerves making my head pound harder until the need to sit down overwhelms me. Closing my eyes for an hour would be the most blissful thing on the entire planet right now. “Besides, didn’t your father do the same thing?”
The accusation slips out, surprising me almost as much it seems to shock Lucas, and even Pax.
“It’s not the same thing. He didn’t know until after the whole thing was over.” Lucas stares at me hard, recovered from his surprise and impossible to reach.
I force my own heart to harden. Lucas is dangerous as long as he’s wavering. “Are you sure about that?”
We stare at each other for several moments, unwilling to budge. I want Lucas to say the words I need to hear—that he’s still on my side, that at my side is where he belongs, no matter where we are. He’s unwilling to admit his father might have had an agenda last winter other than simply bonding with his long-lost son.
Pax gets up from the sofa and limps to me. “You know, if you agree with Winter, I won’t blame you. I did leave you there, and I can only imagine what you thought, what you went through.” He grabs my hands, forcing me to face him. “It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but it was the only way to save us both. I knew you were strong enough to handle it.”
“I’m not angry with you. Maybe I was for a while, but as soon as you came back with Lucas, it all made sense.” I catch Lucas’s bitter gaze in my own, trying to tug loose my hand. Pax won’t give it up. “I am strong enough, Lucas. We’re a team, and we protect one another. But if I can’t find a way to get some sleep, I’m going to be worthless baggage.”
