by Zoey Marcel
“Yes, I do. I love them both.”
Heller had to admit he was pretty proud of Heathy boy.
“I don’t know you.” Malachi turned his back on him.
“Heller’s not a bad guy,” Heath insisted.
“Listen to yourself, for God’s sake!” Malachi spun back around. “He corrupted you and your conscience is too deadened to see it.”
“It’s not like that. He was raised by thugs. He doesn’t know any better.”
Heller snickered. There it was: Heath’s aggravating but oddly endearing superiority complex. He needed an ass whooping.
“Get out of my church, both of you,” Malachi ordered.
Heath looked hurt and Heller got that unfamiliar crappy feeling again. Maybe outing the guy had been a mistake. Heath totally deserved it, but some small part of him regretted doing it.
“Please don’t say that,” Heath said quietly, gaze faltering. “I know this can’t be easy for you, and I understand where you’re coming from. I feel for both of them the way you did for Mom.”
“I seriously doubt that.”
“Please don’t shut me out.”
“You don’t want forgiveness. You don’t give a damn about me or anything I taught you.”
“I do.” Heath grappled for Malachi’s arm, retracting his hand when the older man scowled at him. “Just tell me what I have to do to make you forgive me.”
Malachi’s stance became rigid, expression hostile. “That camp I sent Carsten to ...”
Heath blinked at this. “What about it?”
He knew. It was obvious.
“Sign up. Attend regularly and make an effort to show that you have a desire to reconcile with me.”
Heath gaped at him.
Heller got it—the reason Heath had been so obnoxious about any orientation that wasn’t hetero. It wasn’t alternative lifestyles he was against. It was losing his father’s favor. He’d pretended all those years, voicing his opposition to keep his old man from finding out about the desires Heath had probably been aware of all along. Hell, maybe he’d half convinced himself that he was straight. Denial was a powerful thing.
“I can’t,” Heath breathed.
Malachi folded his arms. “Don’t see Heller anymore. Or are you so far gone you can’t even promise that?”
Heath shook his head, visibly torn. “I can’t do that.”
“Why not?”
He hesitated. “I’m gonna marry him.”
Heller was awestruck.
“Instead of Danielle?”
“Well, I’d be legally married to Heller and she—”
“Come on, Heath.” Heller used his shoulders to roll off the wall. “Let’s get out of here.”
“Tell me we’ll get past this,” Heath said, “that you’ll come around.”
“Will you?” Malachi spat, turning to leave. He threw a scornful glance at Heller. “Well played, Enos.”
You rat bastard.
Heath rubbernecked, shooting an appalled look at him.
Malachi left them alone in the hall together. The motherfucker knew what he did, driving a wedge between them.
“You son of a bitch,” Heath whispered. “You set me up.”
Heller hardened. “You had it coming. You’ve been stringing me along for months.”
“Yeah, well, you don’t have to worry about that anymore,” Heath croaked, brushing past him.
What the hell did that mean?
Heller remained alone in the hall. The silence gnawed him. Whoever said revenge was sweet had never seen that haunting look of betrayal in Heath’s eyes.
* * * *
Heath sat on a park bench by himself. Years ago he’d lost his mother in a car accident. Now he’d lost his father to convictions. He didn’t know which was worse.
Familiar footsteps told him Heller was approaching. Heath didn’t look at him when the biker stopped near the bench.
“Hey. Mind if we talk?” Heller asked.
Heath shrugged permissively. He should be furious out of his mind at seeing him, but he was strangely apathetic.
Heller sat down next to him. They were quiet for a minute.
“What happened back there...that’s not how I wanted it to go down,” Heller admitted, focusing on the playground.
“Sure it is. I outed you. You outed me.” Heath sighed with his arms draped along the back of the bench. “An eye for an eye. Isn’t that your motto?”
“That was the plan originally.” Heller leaned forward so his elbows rested on his knees, big hands folding. “But somewhere along the way I decided against it.”
“So today was all some epic coincidence?”
“No. I planned that, but not because of what you did to me years ago.” He moved his hands over one another, peeking down at them. “I was jealous. You said you’d marry me if you ever decided to get married and then you went and pulled a stunt like that.”
“It was crappy of me.”
“Well, my retaliation wasn’t exactly upstanding either. We both fucked up. Mostly me.” Heller turned his head and looked at him. “I knew your dad would be mad, but I didn’t think he’d disown you. If I’d known that, I wouldn’t have done it.”
That helped.
“He’d have found out sooner or later,” Heath said. “You’re not exactly subtle.”
Heller’s lips hitched to one side. “I don’t do subtle.”
Heath almost smiled at that. Black memories turned him melancholy, introspective. He put his arms down. “I never told you why I outed you years ago. I should have.”
Heller glanced at him and then leaned back against the bench, resting his left ankle over his right leg and stretching his arms out on the back of the bench. “It’s in the past.”
“It still haunts me.”
“I forgave you when I realized I was still in love with you.”
Soft warmth touched his heart. Their eyes met.
“You love me?” Heath asked.
Heller gave him a crooked smile. “Yeah.”
Heath smiled. “I love you, too.”
Heller grinned, tossing him a wink. “Yeah, you do.”
Heath smirked, feeling cozy when Heller joined their hands. Darkness set in over his spirit. He had to tell him.
“You don’t know how much I hate myself for what happened to you and your brother,” Heath confessed. “You deserve an explanation.”
“You got all hot and bothered when I made out with you and felt you up.” Heller squinted into the horizon. “You were confused, scared. It’s understandable. I thought you were just being a prick, but I get it now. You didn’t want to disappoint your father.”
“That’s only part of it.”
Heath felt vulnerable and conflicted. He really wanted Heller to hold him, but he felt sullied and used, like he didn’t want to be touched right now. His body felt cold and his hands clammed.
Heller gave him a concerned look. “Jesus, you’re trembling. You all right?”
“Someone saw us that day, Heller.” Even his voice shook. “They saw us making out and grinding against each other in the shed. They saw me come in my pants for you.”
“Who was it?”
Heath pulled his hand away, trying to steady himself. He homed in on the jungle gym and other equipment on the playground to hide. “My dad had a bodyguard back then. His name was Olaf.”
“Olaf, huh? Like that snowman from Frozen?”
He cracked a grin. “Yes, Heller, my dad’s bodyguard was a snowman.”
They snickered.
“Tell me why you’ve seen that movie?” Heath teased.
“You know I babysit sometimes.”
They stewed in the mirth for a moment before Heath’s joy faded.
“The guy doesn’t work for my dad anymore. He goes by another name now.” He laid one hand over the palm of the other, observing the lines and grooves without seeing them. “Anyway, he saw you and me that day. Later he confronted me on it. He said my behavior was disgusting. I told him I wasn�
�t gay, but he didn’t believe me. He said he needed proof, told me I had to have sex with my girlfriend or he’d tell my father what I did with you.”
Heller’s brow furrowed as he sat there listening.
“So I did,” Heath said shakily. “I didn’t want to. I was saving myself for marriage like I was raised to. I really was the good one.” He put on a rueful grin before his features distorted in remembrance. “I didn’t know it at the time, but Olaf set up a video camera in my room. He filmed the whole thing, said I was obviously queer since I wasn’t into it. It wasn’t anything against my girlfriend. I just felt guilty because we weren’t married.”
Heller reached for him and Heath cringed. The trembling got worse.
“He said that the only thing that would cure me of my unnatural desires was if I was traumatized.” Heath felt sick, woozy, and no matter how much he inhaled, it felt like he couldn’t breathe.
“He sucked you off,” Heller realized.
Heath swallowed, eyes closing briefly. “Yeah.”
Heller took his hand, which helped to lessen the quivering.
“At first he seemed satisfied that I was cured, but then he told me he’d thought it over and a straight man never would have...finished. He accused me of having feelings for you, said my soul was polluted with lies from hell. I swore to him that I didn’t. He knew I was lying.” Heath shook his head, squinting. “He had to. He said in order to prove I felt nothing for you I had to expose you to everyone for what you were or he’d tell my father that I gave my virginity to my girlfriend and got off with you. I’m so sorry.”
Heller pulled him into a hug as Heath fought back tears.
“If I’d known you were gonna get beaten up, I never would have told them, I swear.”
“Shh. You did what you had to.”
Heller’s frame had been much smaller back then. If he’d been his present size he’d have kicked their asses with laughable ease.
Heath pulled away and wiped his eyes. “I tried to hold it together when I confronted him. I asked him if he was finally satisfied. He said he would be if I gave him head. I refused. He didn’t like that so much, but he left the room. That’s when I knew he was never gonna leave me alone. I knew I needed to get away from him, somewhere far away. I told my dad I wanted to go to school in Chicago. He was fine with it. Olaf wasn’t.”
“Is he the one who outed Kale?”
“Yeah. He did it to punish me. After your brother got beaten up, I confronted Olaf and told him that if he didn’t stop I would tell my father what he’d done to me. I was bluffing, but I think he might have believed me. He said if I did he would find me and do all kinds of sick things to me.”
Heath drew in a deep breath, feeling his lungs expand. He could breathe again. The sensation of nearly passing out was gone.
“So that night I went into his room and held a gun to his head. I told him he had to quit immediately or I’d shoot him. It worked. He left. I went off to school. I felt like a man again after that, but I was never the same.”
“Your love life?”
“I felt damaged after all the immorality,” Heath confessed softly. “I wouldn’t necessarily say I was promiscuous in Chicago, but I had a few girlfriends I slept with. I felt guilty whenever I did. I used to apologize to God afterward and try to do a good deed to make things right. I figured I was so damaged and screwed up anyway there was no point in waiting anymore. I didn’t think anyone would want me to be their husband.”
Heller placed a hand on his shoulder. “You’re wrong, Heath. Danielle and I love the hell out of you.”
Heath smiled weakly.
“I understand why you aren’t comfortable with me sucking you off. What about Danielle?”
He shook his head. “I never let her do that to me either. I was holding out for marriage in the beginning, but I kind of let my first girlfriend go down on me once. I stopped her before I finished because I felt bad, but what I experienced before stopping her was good. After what happened with Olaf, I let the first girl I dated in Chicago try it on me, but I had to stop her because I kept getting these awful flashbacks. I tried it once with the next woman, but I had to stop her, too. Never tried it again.”
“Would you ever want to? It’s fine if you don’t. It’s just a shame because I think if you could get past it in time you’d enjoy it.”
Heath rubbed Heller’s thigh. “I want to. I just didn’t want to break down in front of either one of you if I couldn’t handle it.”
“Don’t worry about that. We’ve got your back. Like I said, it’s up to you.”
“Danielle’s face is smooth like his was, but she’s a woman. You’re a man, but at least you’ve got facial hair and you’re bald. He was clean-shaven with hair.” Heath took his hand, caressing the top with his thumb. “I want to do that with both of you, preferably soon, just not today.”
Heller shook his head. “Nah, you’ve been through enough today. I really am sorry for hurting you.”
“I hurt you first.”
“You did what most people would have done in your situation. You’ve got nothing to be sorry for. I’m sorry all that shit that happened to you. You should have just shot him in the first place.”
“I was raised to turn the other cheek, not blow people’s brains out like...some people.”
Heller smirked. “Just assume that’s how I solve my problems.”
“You know I love you.”
“I love you, too, cowboy.”
Heller pulled him into a hug, seeming surprised when Heath kissed him.
“Oo!”
Heath broke the kiss and they grinned when they saw those four kids Heller had babysat a while back, Spike, Jax, Darcy, and River.
“What are you brats doing here?” Heller teased.
“I’m telling,” River taunted.
“Tell whoever you want.” Heath shrugged. “Doesn’t bother me.”
She frowned. “Well, that’s no fun.”
Darcy folded her arms and arched a brow at them. “Heller, if you end up with him who am I supposed to be with when I grow up?”
Heller grinned, nodding at the boy pouting a few feet behind her. “Why don’t you get with Spike there?”
“Thank you,” Spike said, walking swiftly toward her. “Lady, what did I tell you? You’re marrying me.”
Darcy rolled her eyes, smiling a little. “I need a bad boy like Heller.”
“You want me to be bad, I’ll be bad. You can count on it.”
Jax snorted. “Spike, please. Why settle for just Darcy when there’s a whole world of babes waiting for you?”
River sniffed at this. “Just like your father.”
They were like adults stuck in children’s bodies. It was odd.
Heath shook his head. “Just enjoy your childhood. You guys are trying to grow up too fast. Back in my day—”
“Ah! God! Come on!” the kids whined. “Here we go.”
Heller grinned. “Sorry, Heath. They’re not really into retro tales.”
“I figured. Is anybody watching you guys?” Heath asked.
Jax snorted. “Like we really need a chaperone. I’m my own man. I want to go to a park, I go to a park.” He gestured at the ground with his thumb, like he was rapping or something. “And I don’t answer to—”
“Jax!” a woman called for him.
“Coming, mama!” Jax answered back.
Heath gave him a taunting smile.
Jax blushed. “Shut up.”
Heath chuckled as the kids scampered off.
Heller adjusted himself on the bench, jaw set with anger. “You said Olaf doesn’t go by that name anymore. You seen him since?”
Heath’s eyes fell. “He lives in the area again.”
“You said he goes by a new name. Tell me who it is.”
He got up suddenly, but Heller rose after him and lightly grasped his arm to stop his retreat.
“I want a name, Heath.”
“Heller, I can’t.”
; “Don’t make me ask again.”
Heath looked away. “It was a long time ago. I just want to forget it ever happened.”
“You can, right after you give me his name.”
“I know you. You’re five times the size of any normal guy. Even if you just beat him up, the force of your fists would probably kill him by accident.”
“Oh, believe me, it wouldn’t be an accident.”
“I’m gonna marry you and Danielle will consider you her husband, too. I don’t want you going to jail before the wedding.”
“I won’t. I can make it look like an accident, or get rid of the body so they never find it.”
Heath rolled his eyes, brows lifting and head moving to the side. “That’s what a man wants to hear from his fiancée.”
Heller smirked before becoming serious. “What if he does that to someone else? Wouldn’t you feel just a little bit shitty for not saying anything?”
Guilt clung to him like grime. “He might not.”
“At least give me a hint. What does his new name start with? I know you said he’s got hair and a smooth face. What else?”
Heath shook his head.
“If you want me to stay out of it, I can have my boys pay him a visit.”
“Will you stop the thug talk? It’s very caring of you to want to avenge me, but I really am okay.”
“He fucking hurt you. You can’t even get head without flashbacks. That sound okay to you?”
He shrugged with his arms outward. “I’ll get over it.”
“Well, I won’t until he gets what’s coming to him.”
“Look, I don’t want any trouble. He hasn’t done anything to me since then, even when we were alone. Just forget about it.”
“What do you mean when you were alone?” Heller stepped forward, glaring down at him. “Where were you when you guys interacted?”
Heath gulped, practically craning his neck to look up at the towering Clydesdale of a man. “It wasn’t a big deal.”
“Well, it couldn’t have been in public since you two were alone. That means he sought you out to harass you.”
“He didn’t.”
“Then he knows someone you know. Where does he work?”
“Just drop it, okay?”
“Where?” Heller growled.
Heath’s breath caught when the man grabbed his ass and pulled him into his body. “He just works for some friends of mine.”
