by Marrs, John
She mulled over Luciana’s reaction to his confession and couldn’t comprehend why she’d forgiven him so readily. And it irked her that it took a whore to set his moral compass straight when it came to facing up to his crimes.
“I suppose it says something about her, doesn’t it?” she began rhetorically. “I mean, I don’t know why I’m surprised that a woman who sold her body and had two bastard children with a married man could forgive him for murder. She’s hardly Mother Teresa, is she?”
“Say what you want about me, Catherine, I’m old enough and ugly enough to take it,” he began defensively, “and a little of it I probably deserve but do not bring Luciana and my children into this. They have done nothing to you. I’m sorry if you haven’t liked what you’ve heard, but it’s the truth and in the great scheme of things, it doesn’t matter how I got here. Because I am here now, and I want to make my peace with you.”
“Make your peace? How generous of you! Jesus man, you don’t understand, do you? You should be on your hands and knees begging for my forgiveness! You should be here because you realised all by your stupid self that what you did to us was terrible, not because you were told to by my replacement.”
“She wasn’t your replacement.”
“You replaced all of us with them.”
“I didn’t plan to start another family.”
“With a whore, let’s not forget.”
“No, with Luciana.”
“A whore. And a murderer.”
“Don’t call her that, please.”
“But that’s what she is, isn’t she? A whore who killed two people, still, at least you had a lot in common.”
“It doesn’t matter what she did,” he shouted. “She’s the mother of my children.”
By the time he’d realised the irony of his words, it was too late.
“And what was I?” she yelled, throwing the glass into the sink, shattering it. “A trial run? You didn’t give a damn about the mother of your other children! You traded us in for a slag who’d screw any man if he had cash in his wallet! And you expect me to offer her some respect?”
“You really don’t understand,” he replied, shaking his head.
Once again he was disappointed by her reaction. He thought he’d explained there was so much more to Luciana’s make-up than the choices she’d made to survive. But repeatedly, she’d chosen to focus only on the negative. He began to feel tired and wondered what had made her so bitter.
“I didn’t leave you to run off with another woman and start another family,” he continued.
“You might not have set out to do it, but you did it all the same.”
“Could I use your bathroom please?” he asked; his now head hurting from her ill-tempered reaction.
His ability to change the subject at the most inopportune moments frustrated her. Several times he’d cut her off in her prime. Either he was trying to diffuse the situation or he’d lost his ability to focus on one subject for any length of time.
“Yes,” she replied, fatigued.
He turned to leave the kitchen and walked towards the staircase before pausing.
“I’m sorry, can you remind me where it is?”
She frowned; he’d lived in the house for almost ten years and earlier that day had stood on the other side of the door as she wretched at his actions.
“Upstairs, on the left.”
“Yes,” he replied. “Of course it is.”
*
He finished urinating, rinsed his hands in the sink and stared into the mirror she’d referred to as the unforgiving one. She was right, he thought. It made his cheeks look puffy and paled his skin, like an old man’s.
He noticed the bathroom still had the faint odour of bile as he removed the blister pack of tablets from his jacket pocket and scowled at the enemy. He cupped a hand under the tap and swallowed two of the pink pills. He considered taking one of the anti-depressants his doctor had also prescribed, but he hated the synthetic happiness it brought him.
He surveyed a room he never thought he’d be standing in again as he felt the tablets sink slowly into his belly. The layout was the same, but the suite was no longer a dowdy avocado colour; it was plain white with silver furnishings and sandstone tiles. He approved of her taste.
His eyes were drawn to the bath and the mat that lay in front of it, before a cold breeze suddenly swept through the room. The chill made the hairs on his arms reach for the heavens. He panicked and struggled to catch his breath - his eyes darted back and forth as he remembered the aroma of the bubble bath and the sound of her muffled voice in the bedroom that day. He shook his head until the thoughts disappeared, and he took a long, hard breath.
‘Just hang in there,’ he told himself, and hoped his brain was listening.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Northampton, Three Years Earlier
February 2, 1.25pm
‘Bloody useless,’ I grumbled as I yanked off my glasses and stuffed them back into their case on the kitchen table.
I left the accounts ledger I’d been ploughing through all morning to fend for itself, rubbed my weary eyes, and rummaged through a drawer for the Paracetamol.
Arthritis was making its way through my ankle and I didn’t have the energy I once had to work all the hours I needed to. But I’d survived fifty-four years without the need of a second set of eyes and had thought of it as a minor triumph in my war against age. However, the nature of my work relied on a strong eye for detail and an even more tenacious one for flaws. Together they’d gradually taken their toll on my vision.
So when blurriness and headaches went from occasional to daily and then to just bloody annoying, I finally gave up fighting and made an optician’s appointment. I left £200 lighter and clutching a pair of glasses I resented. They made me look like my mother and to be honest, they were a fat lot of use. My eyesight improved a little but the headaches still came. So I swallowed two tablets, and left the spreadsheets for another day.
The growling of two very loud engines above the house caught my ear so I went outside and squinted at the sky. Three yellow vintage biplanes flew so low overhead I could see their pilots. Then without warning, my head exploded.
There was no noise, just a pain I’d never felt before, followed by complete disorientation. I saw nothing but blackness peppered with white spinning Catherine wheels. My eyes burned and my whole head throbbed like one of James’ guitar amplifiers when he turned it up loud. I dropped to my knees and steadied myself by digging my fingernails into the lawn.
The pain dissolved after a few moments, but my body was trembling and I was hit by a savage migraine straight away. I slowly stood up and fumbled my way into an empty house, grasping onto windowsills and furniture to keep from keeling over. I fell onto the sofa, breathing quickly as my vision slowly returned.
Then I closed my eyes and slept for the rest of the day and night.
***
Monte Falco, Italy, Three Years Earlier
February 11, 1.25pm
It had begun as an innocuous little lump on her left index finger; nothing you’d notice without searching for it and certainly no bigger than a small ball bearing.
It itched, Luciana told me, and the more she scratched it, the sorer it became. Two weeks passed and it had continued to irritate her, so I persuaded her to make an appointment to see her doctor to check it wasn’t an infected insect bite. He admitted it puzzled him so he erred on the side of caution and took a biopsy. And within five days, we were called back to his surgery to discover that innocuous little lump we could barely see was going to make our perfect lives implode.
It was malignant.
We carried on our lives regardless and with relative normality while we awaited the results of an urgent barrage of tests to ensure it was just a one-off, random cluster of cancerous cells. Luciana remained convinced we had nothing to fear, but inside, I knew the darkness I’d eluded for two decades had found me again.
Our wealth paid for speedier r
esults, but it couldn’t pay for positive ones. Her cancer was not a rogue occurrence, but a secondary form. Its primary parasitic parent had already made a home in her right breast before silently creeping around her body.
“I believe it’s an intrusive cancer, that’s already spread to a kidney and your stomach,” her doctor began solemnly; then paused as we absorbed the news.
Luciana reacted like she would towards one of her businesses failing. Without a hint of self-pity, she was collected, optimistic and needed to formulate a plan of attack.
“What are my options?” she asked without expression, and staring her doctor firmly in the eye.
“It has moved far too quickly and it’s incurable, Luciana,” he replied softly. “I’m very, very sorry.”
“There are always options,” she replied and gripped my hand tighter.
“We can try and control it as best we can. But the best case scenario is two years; three at best.” She nodded her head, slowly.
“That’s good,” she replied. “That’s a good time. I can get a lot done in that time.”
We left his surgery, too stunned to speak and with a schedule of medical treatments designed to slow down her cancer’s rate of growth. We each had one eye on the clock. Hers was to remind herself of how much longer she had left as the centre of my universe.
Mine was to decide on the right time to leave her.
***
Northampton
February 14, 1.25pm
The second explosion walloped me a fortnight after the first, as I wandered around Waitrose. It followed the same course as its predecessor – unexpected excruciating stabs to the brain, darkness, white lights, and then dizziness – and it scared me to death. Not just because of how much it hurt but because it meant the first wasn’t a one-off.
I tried in vain to steady myself against a freezer chest, but I missed the lid and fell into an ungainly heap on the floor. Someone helped me to my feet and took me to the manager’s office where a kind boy asked if he should call me an ambulance. But I reassured him I’d just had a funny turn and all I needed was to sit down and compose myself.
I tried to fool myself it was nothing more than a delayed but extreme reaction to my new HRT medication. But I knew the difference between a hot flush and something that was trying to blow my scalp off. And naively keeping my fingers crossed and praying it would go away as quickly as it appeared probably wouldn’t work.
Nevertheless, I was more comfortable remaining in denial. I took a few days off and left Selena in charge of the shops so I could hide in the safety of my home. And when a week passed without incident, I’d almost begun to stop waiting for another one. More fool me, because the next was by far the worst.
I was in my granddaughter Olivia’s bedroom at Emily and Daniel’s house and playing imaginary tea parties when my words became slurred and jumbled.
“Teddy cake go and find to him,” I mumbled, unable to correct myself. In my mind, I knew what I was trying to say but when it came out, it made no sense. I tried again, then again and again, but it made no difference.
“Nana you’re being funny,” giggled Olivia, but it was only amusing to a three-year old. I tried several more sentences but each one failed. Terrified, I felt the colour drain from my face so I lifted myself off the floor and perched on her bed.
“Mummy for Nana,” I begged. “Mummy… Nana.” Her little face fell and I could tell I was scaring her. She ran from the room yelling for Emily.
I remained frozen on her bed, and the last thing I heard were her feet scampering down the staircase before I fell unconscious.
***
Monte Falco
February 16, 9pm
It’s a myth that God is merciful. To me, he was a cruel, cold-hearted, vindictive bastard who was predominantly interested in punishing me. From birth, he had strewn my path with false idols, cunning friends and disloyal lovers.
I’d tried so hard to live a good life since I met Luciana, and for a time, he fooled me into believing he’d taken notice. He’d blessed me with two incredible children and the love of a woman I hadn’t deserved.
I showed my gratitude by being a worthy husband, a doting father and a charitable man. A third of the profits from our winery went directly to a foundation providing aid for the children of poverty-stricken widows. We sponsored five scholarships for gifted students from low-income families to attend the same private school as Sofia and Luca. We even donated three acres of land to a sanctuary for retired working horses.
But that wasn’t enough for God. Not nearly enough. By granting us a life of privilege he’d merely lulled me into a false sense of security before striking me with his next blow. He could have taken Luciana away from me in an instant with a sudden, fatal accident. But he decided he’d gain more pleasure in watching me suffer, watching her suffer.
I’d already experienced life with someone so utterly tortured by sorrow that they were unable to recognise night from day. I’d been the one who had hovered in the corner of rooms, watching as grief devoured you.
Now history was about to repeat itself and I was going to be forced to see the love of my life slipping away. The only way I could prevent his victory was to do what I knew best – and run. And when I was miles and miles from her failing body, I would remember with fondness her love - and not someone locked into a death sentence.
Our house had not been built of brick as I’d thought, but of feathers. A wind I couldn’t harness would destroy it whether I was present or not.
***
Northampton
February 18, 11.25am
“I’m sorry to tell you this Mrs. Nicholson, but the scans suggest you have an intracranial solid neoplasm, or brain tumour, on the left hand side of your temple,” explained Dr Lewis, as sympathetically as he could.
Four days after my last attack, I had yet to leave the hospital. When Dr Lewis came to my room with the results of MRI scans and blood tests, I wished I’d not insisted Emily left her bedside vigil and sent her home to rest, so that I had somebody’s hand to hold.
“We will need to operate as soon as possible to take a sample then test if it’s malignant or benign,” Dr Lewis continued. “I’d like to arrange it for first thing tomorrow morning if that would be convenient?”
“Is it going to kill me?” was all I could think to ask.
“Once we get the results of the biopsy we can decide which approach to take. The tumour is most likely the cause of your headaches – bloody vessels in your brain bursting under the pressure as it grows.”
“You haven’t answered my question,” I repeated. “Is it going to kill me?”
He paused. “We’ll know its severity once we do the biopsy. Then we’ll talk again.”
“Thank you,” I replied politely, and picked up Emily’s iPod, put the headphones into my ears, closed my eyes and blasted George Michael’s ‘Praying For Time’ as loud as I could.
***
Monte Falco
February 20, 9.50am
I walked away from her with only what I’d brought with me – the clothes on my back and an uncertain future.
I knew starting afresh would be a much harder task as my years were more advanced than when I’d last decamped. Nevertheless, my mind was made up.
I waited until Luciana was alone at a doctor’s appointment and the children were at school before I packed my old rucksack with the bare essentials and began the steep walk downhill to the village in the shadow of the villa.
I planned to make my way up to Switzerland and then though Austria before exploring the eastern block. According to the bus stop timetable it would be another hour before my ride arrived. So I sat by the side of the road and began the process of putting the life I had cherished so much, out of my mind.
Only I couldn’t.
The boxes were open and waiting, but the beautiful spirits I loved so dearly were too large a presence to be contained. I had left my other children when they were too young to be affected by my
absence. I’d only left you when you were finally well enough to cope with it.
But Luciana, Sofia and Luca were different - and now so was I. They had made me a better man. I thought about how through your sadness, I’d learned to tend to fragility and incite a person into believing that against all hope, there was always hope to be found if you just kept searching.
I couldn’t find that hope in Luciana, so she would need me more than you ever did. I’d spent half my life running away from my responsibilities and I was an idiot for thinking I could do it again. And if I stayed, I’d need to muster up all my strength to help the three of them and the four of us.
I couldn’t allow myself to shed a tear or feel an ounce of self-pity until she surrendered to the inevitable. It would be our cancer, not just hers - we would both take ownership of it.
By the time my bus appeared, I was already half the way home. I didn’t hear the car pull up next to me until its rear door opened. Inside sat Luciana. She looked at my sweating brow and my rucksack and she knew instantly what I had planned. She saw the coward in me. But her eyes softened when she understood I was walking towards our life and not from it.
She stepped out of the car, closed the door, entwined her arm through mine, and we climbed the steep hill together.
***
Northampton
March 1, 9pm
All of my children were sat around my hospital bed when I came round from my operation. Even though they were normally scattered far and wide across the country and beyond, they’d always remained a close-knit bunch, phoning and texting each other to keep up to speed. I wondered if they’d have been like that had we not been forced to close ranks after you deserted them.
Emily and Daniel’s wedding four months earlier had been the last time we’d all been together in the same room. Giving my daughter away was one of the proudest moments of my life, and I pitied you for throwing away your chance to be in my place.
