Payne

by Kimber White

  Molly went to her. “You should sit down.” Eve put a hand up just like I’d done to Molly a few seconds ago.

  “I’m okay,” she said. “Little sucker is just restless today.”

  I caught Jett’s gaze. She gave Eve a stony expression. She was worried. Just a few weeks from delivering my brother’s baby, Eve was vulnerable. If the Pack stumbled upon any of us, Eve wouldn’t be able to fight in her condition. Charged with teaching the women of Mammoth Forest how to fight, I knew Jett felt responsible for her.

  She felt responsible for me too. I stayed quiet, smiling when I could, submitting to her self-defense lessons. She was good, I’d give her that. And Jett had learned some valuable things about beta wolves under Pack control. One on one, they had weaknesses she knew how to exploit.

  “Will you please sit down?” Molly said. She guided Eve to another stump near Jett. Still breathing heavy, Eve sank down, gripping Molly’s hand for support.

  I wanted to go to her. Everyone expected me to. For all intents and purposes, Eve was my sister-in-law. I owed her my life. She’d been the one to risk her own safety to find me in Birch Haven. She’d brought me to my brother. I was grateful. More so than I could ever find words to express. But, it was still hard to let people in. I’d lost so much already.

  “Are we done for the day?” I said to Jett. My tone came out harsher than I meant. Hell, I didn’t know what I meant. I was bad at this. She probably thought me ungrateful.

  “If you’re tired…”

  “No!” Again, my voice sounded shrill to my own ears. “No,” I said again softer. “I’m not tired.”

  Jett looked at Eve and Molly. An expression passed between them that I’d become all too familiar with. None of them knew what exactly to do with me. To them I was moody. Volatile. Withdrawn.

  “Good,” Jett said, smiling. “Because you really are quite something. You’re the one I worry least about as far as defending yourself.”

  I wrapped my arms around myself. Jett’s eyes traveled down, flashing with pity. I hated it. I hated the way they all looked at me as if I was the walking embodiment of the things they feared.

  Poor Lena. Thank God that didn’t happen to me.

  Of course, none of them ever said that to my face. But, it’s what I would think if I were them. Probably.

  If it weren’t so hot, I would have worn a long-sleeved shirt today. Maybe I should have anyway. I would rather sweat my brains out than endure those looks another second. A fine webbing of silvery scars wrapped around each of my forearms. I had other scars they couldn’t see, but the obvious ones were bad enough.

  I hadn’t looked in a mirror in more than three years. I didn’t have to. I could see myself reflected in other people’s eyes. I knew what they had to be thinking as their gaze settled on my face.

  She was probably beautiful once. You can almost see it if you look at her in profile. But now, how cruel, how violent.

  Sometimes, I’d get brave enough to run my fingers over the puckered edges of the scar running from my right brow down my cheek. It was jagged, like a lightning bolt. It tightened if I tried to smile. Luckily, I rarely did that.

  “Lena,” Jett said, coming off her tree stump. At five foot ten, I had a good four inches on her. And yet, somehow Jett seemed taller. She held her back straighter. She put a light but firm hand on my arm. “Will you help me show Molly what she’s doing wrong?”

  I stepped out of her touch, careful not to jerk away. God, everything was so awkward. The way I moved, the way I sounded. I didn’t know how to act so they wouldn’t keep giving me those looks. Like I was about to blow up or run at any moment. They worried about scaring me off. I knew that.

  Crossing my arms in front of me again, I turned to Molly. She stood with her hand on Eve’s shoulder. Eve’s bright smile warmed me a little. At the same time, I wondered what she told my brother when they were alone at night. I could imagine.

  Lena was more quiet today than yesterday. She says she’s fine, but anyone can see she’s not. She doesn’t like being touched.

  My every move watched. My every word dissected. The angel on my shoulder told me they meant well. Of course they did. But, these women only thought they knew what they were really up against. I didn’t know how to tell them they were wrong.

  “You drop your hip,” I said to Molly, again, my words blurting out with no finesse. I turned toward her, bringing my fists up and mimicking her stance. Molly nodded and came toward me.

  “Like this,” I said, executing a perfect imitation of Molly’s posture and movement just before she threw a punch. Even Jett was impressed. From the corner of my eye, I saw her hand flutter to her mouth, stifling a little gasp.

  Molly slowly walked to my side. I faked a punch. “See?” I said. “Every time. I can see it coming. My reaction time is probably ten times longer than a shifter’s is.”

  “True,” Jett said. “But remember, the betas will have that second or two of total paralysis before they get the Alpha’s command. You can count on it. Watch for the eyes.”

  I dropped my hands to my sides and straightened. “Betas are betas,” I said.

  Molly ignored me. She rounded on me and brought her hands back up. Her eyes narrowed with determination as she took a swing. She landed one on my right shoulder. The power of it knocked me backward, but I didn’t lose my footing.

  “I’m sorry!” Molly gasped. “Oh, Lena...I didn’t.”

  “No,” I said, putting my hands up. Pain blossomed down my arm and I felt pins and needles in my elbow. “Don’t apologize,” I said. “It’s what we’re out here for, aren’t we? That was good.”

  Still, my words came out stilted and wooden. I didn’t know how to do this. I wanted to sound proud of her. I was. Molly was stubborn, unflappable. She’d tended to my physical wounds with expert care and compassion when Eve and Mac first brought me here. I wanted to give something back to her. Training with her was how I tried.

  “It was good,” Jett said.

  Molly reached for me. Though every instinct in me wanted to pull away, I let out a breath and stayed still. She ran her fingers along the underside of my arm, extending the elbow and checking my range of motion.

  “Relax,” I said. “I’m tougher than I look.”

  Again, I’d meant it as a light comment. A joke. Part of the banter that seemed to come so easily to the rest of them. Coming from me, it drew a tiny little intake of air from Eve. A fleeting look between Molly and Jett. Dammit. I’d done it again.

  “I think maybe I am tired though,” I said. “I’m going to call it a day.”

  The color drained from Molly’s face. She thought she’d hurt me. She hadn’t. But, I didn’t know how to get her to understand that. It was exhausting to try.

  “I’ll come out later this evening,” I said, though everyone standing there knew I probably wouldn’t. “Twilight is a better time to train anyway. That’s when they like to come.”

  I knew Jett and the others had questions about that last statement. None of them would ever bring themselves to ask. I left it at that and headed back toward the hole in the ground leading to the labyrinth of caves we all called home.

  * * *

  I could have slept straight through till morning. In fact, that was my plan. I didn’t want to face Jett and the others at dinner. I couldn’t stomach more awkward looks as Molly tried to apologize again for slugging me. God. She was supposed to. That’s what we were out there for. Though I hated every second of it, I knew why it mattered. And maybe Jett was right. Someday soon, the Chief Pack might bring the fight straight to Mammoth Forest. Closing my eyes, I turned to face the wall. I wouldn’t let the rest of that thought take shape.

  I’m not a shifter. I don’t have heightened senses or super strength. I can’t set my baser nature free and turn into a majestic wolf. My brother can. And ever since we were little, I could always sense his approach.

  I laid on my pallet, facing the rock wall. I kept it dark in my own private cavern. Eve kep
t bringing me LED lanterns and even strung the rope kind along the floor. I rarely turned them on, preferring the sensory deprivation I got with pitch blackness.

  A soft silver glow made shadows on the wall as Mac stood at the entranceway, breathing hard. I knew if I turned, I’d see his superhuman wolf eyes glinting. I used to hate that when we were little. For a while, we slept in the same bedroom and he’d wake in the middle of the night, his inner wolf unsettled. When he had nightmares, his growls shook the walls.

  Now, he thought I was asleep. If I stayed still enough, maybe he’d just go away. He let out a heavy sigh then the room flooded with light as he switched on one of the lanterns. I stayed stone still, staring at the wall.

  “Lena,” he said, drawing nearer. Just that one word, my name. It fell heavy from his lips as if he’d been working himself up to this for quite a while.

  Shit. I let out my own sigh then sat up, turning to face him.

  Mac had changed so much since the last time he was regularly in my life. How long ago had that been? Ten years? A little more. He’d been so angry back then, railing against his inevitable role with the Chief Pack. He was an Alpha, after all. A natural born leader. To survive, he knew he’d have to submit to the Chief Pack Alpha for good. He’d received a call-up notice. The last argument we had before our separation had been about that. I told him there was no use fighting. It wasn’t worth dying for. He disagreed and reminded me I wasn’t a shifter. I could never understand what it was to be used by the Pack.

  God, we’d both been so naive.

  Then, one night, he stayed out later than usual, leaving me alone in the house. It had been dark and quiet just like tonight. When the front door burst open, I’d thought it was Mac and a group of his rowdier friends. It wasn’t though. It was a raid. Mac had missed his deadline to report to the Chief Pack for basic training. In those first few chaotic minutes, I thought the soldiers had come to round him up. How wrong I’d been. Instead, they came for me.

  “Don’t start,” I said, brushing the hair from my eyes. I should have left it. Mac’s eyes flashed with pain as I exposed the thick scar on the right side of my face.

  He sighed again and sat down next to me. “I’m not here to argue with you. I’m here to see how you’re doing.”

  I dropped my hands then folded them in front of me. “You been talking to Eve? She was out in the woods this afternoon. What did she say about me?”

  “What? No. I’m not here because…”

  “Then why are you here?” Again, I couldn’t modulate my emotions. Whatever filter I had, it was long gone. I launched into my brother with a rage he didn’t deserve. I was tired. So tired.

  “I’m fine, okay?” I said. “I went to training like you asked me to. I did everything Jett wanted. Ask Molly. I’m sorry if I don’t know how to say the words they want to hear. I’m sorry if looking at me makes them all uncomfortable. I’m doing the best I can.”

  Mac threw his head back as if I’d struck him. His eyes widened in shock and he reached for me. I think he meant to put an arm around my shoulders, but when I flinched, he froze then pulled his hand back, awkwardly.

  “I’m sorry,” I said again, more quietly. “You just caught me off guard. Tell Eve thanks for worrying, but I’m really okay. Or as okay as I can be right now.”

  “Lena,” he started again. “I’m the one who’s sorry. I didn’t come here to lecture you about your attitude at training or whatever the hell it is you’re talking about. Eve didn’t send me. She doesn’t even know I’m here right now. I came because I have to ask you to do something for me and I’m scared as hell about how you’re going to react.”

  Now it was my turn to rear back as if his words had the impact of a physical blow. “You’re what?”

  “Scared,” he answered, half-smiling. “Of you.”

  This got a genuine laugh out of me. “Brother, you’re cracked in the head. You’ve never been scared of me.”

  “That’s where you’re wrong. You and mom used to terrify me more than any other women I’ve known. You see right through me most of the time. But, I see through you too.”

  A silence settled between us. I drew my legs up and scooted back toward the wall, facing Mac straight on. “Yeah? What is it you think you see?”

  “You’re not happy here,” he said, cutting straight to it. “You’re trying. You’re even getting better at hiding it. But, I know you. You hate everything about this place.”

  “That’s not true,” I said, my voice growing thick. I didn’t know how to say what I felt. It wasn’t this place I hated. It was me in this place.

  “Listen,” he said. “I’m probably going to bungle this. Just know that everything I’m about to say and ask of you, I’m doing it because I love you. And because I know in my heart it’s the best thing for you right now.”

  “Oh, boy,” I said, thumping the back of my head against the wall.

  “I want you to leave,” he said. Those five words hit me in the chest with the weight of a boulder. My heart thundered so loud I wondered if he could hear it.

  “Mac…”

  “No. Just listen. Let me get through this. There’s a place, up in Michigan. Wild Lake. Payne’s heading there in a couple of days. He’s going to try and track down more of the ammo Jett had with the neurotoxin that stops shifters. I want you to go with him.”

  I couldn’t see straight. Hell, I couldn’t be hearing straight. Was he crazy?

  “Michigan,” I said. “You want me to go to Michigan.”

  “No,” he answered. “I don’t want you to go anywhere. I’d like to keep you right here by my side. But, there’s a war coming. You know it. We all do. When it does, I want you as far away from it as possible.”

  And there it was. Everyone around me had been skirting the topic. They were afraid of how I might react. It was silly, really. I knew exactly what the Chief Pack was capable of. I knew it more than they did.

  “You can’t protect me, big brother. No one can. The big bad wolf already did its worst to me, remember?”

  It was cruel of me to say it. I hated the fresh pain that came into my brother’s eyes. He looked away for a moment then straight back at me. “No, it hasn’t. That’s the thing, Lena. The Alpha tried to use you against me. I’ll never forgive myself for that. I can’t undo it. But, I can sure as hell keep it from happening again. Only, I can’t do that if you’re here.”

  I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t see. I started to hyperventilate, so I hugged my knees even tighter. If Mac sensed my distress, he didn’t show it. He just stared straight ahead, lost in the horror of his own thoughts.

  “My place is here with you,” I said. “I don’t trust anybody else.” The last bit came out so quietly, I wondered if he fully heard it. Until I uttered those words, I hadn’t realized how true they were. The thought of leaving Mac terrified me.

  “If you trust me,” he said. “Then trust me on this. I can’t guarantee your safety here.”

  He turned to me, his eyes going stone cold. As hard as it was for me to admit how much I needed him, it was even harder for him to admit this weakness.

  “Then why me? Why aren’t you sending Eve? She’s your mate, after all.”

  Tears welled in Mac’s eyes and my heart shredded. “I swear to God, I would send her away if I could. It’s too late now. She’s due in seven weeks. It’s too dangerous a trip for her. And, there’s something else. Molly...she’s scared. She’s never delivered a human baby, let alone a shifter. Things can go wrong even under the best circumstances. She’s putting on a brave face, trying to reassure Eve, but I know what she’s up against.”

  “Jesus,” I said, resting my chin on my knee. “She should know the truth.”

  “She will. Just, not yet. I need your help, Lena. Up in Wild Lake, I’ve heard about a doctor who specializes in shifter deliveries. I’m banking on the fact our friends up there will know how to contact her. I’m banking on the fact that you can persuade her to come back here with Payne in time for
Eve’s delivery.”

  “Come back with Payne? You mean come back with Payne and me?” My heart actually hurt.

  “No,” he said. “I don’t want you to come back. Not until I can be sure it’s safe. Not until this thing with the Chief Pack is over once and for all.”

  “But, I don’t know anyone in Wild Lake.”

  “There are others,” he said. “Once you’re over the border, I think you’ll be able to find out what happened to the rest of the women from Birch Haven. Maybe you can join them. You don’t have to stay in Wild Lake if you don’t want to. Just, stay someplace far away from Kentucky. Start over. Be safe. Lena, I think if I know you’re okay, I’ll be able to face whatever’s coming. I know how dangerous it is for my wife and child. I’m ready to die for them if I have to. But you…”

  “Me,” I finished for him. “You think if you don’t have to worry about me, you’ll be stronger against the Pack.”

  “Yes,” he said simply when I expected him to disagree. My respect for him grew even more, though my heart still broke.

  When he held his arms out, I went into them. A tremor went through him as he hugged me. It cost me something, but gave me some small piece of myself back too. I hadn’t willingly let anyone touch me in years.

  “I don’t trust Payne,” I said, a slow tear falling from my eyes. “Mac...he’s a...he’s one of…”

  Mac pulled a little away from me so I could see his face. He wiped my tears. “He’s one of us,” he said. “And I trust him with my life. More importantly, I trust him with yours. When he leaves, please tell me you’ll go with him.”

  I wanted to scream no. I wanted to retreat into the darkness where I felt the safest. But, I couldn’t shy away from the intense, silver glare of my brother’s wolf eyes. I let him pull me close one last time as I cried softly into his chest.