by L A Cotton
But she’s not yours anymore.
My brain didn’t get the message because before I could stop myself, I’d moved closer, sticking to the shadows as I watched them. Calli looked all kinds of awkward at first, but with a little encouragement from Josie, and Preppy, she began to find her confidence. She threw her head back, letting it land on the guy’s collarbone as she continued grinding against him.
Fuck.
My nails dug against my palms as I clenched and unclenched my fists. She looked so fucking sexy. Tempting and teasing. Her eyes fluttered closed as she lost herself to the music, the guy’s dick digging into her ass, no doubt.
My skin grew hot, vibrating with pure rage.
Mine, a little voice whispered.
But she wasn’t mine. She hadn’t been mine in a really long time.
I needed to get the hell out of there.
Before I could leave though, he spun her around and leaned down, brushing his lips over hers. Calli hesitated, her hands pushing against his chest. It was only a small action, but it was all I needed.
Shoving my way through the bodies, I grabbed his shoulder and yanked. “Take a hike, fucker,” I sneered.
“Fuc—Messiah? Zach Messiah?”
Shit.
This wasn’t good.
People started looking. I felt the weight of their stares burning into me.
“And you.” I jabbed my finger at the guy trying to mack on Josie. “Do you have any idea who she is?”
“Zach, don’t you dare,” she seethed.
“Wait, you know him?” The guy balked.
“She’s my teammate’s little sister, asshole. And unless you want the entire team here, I suggest you take a walk.”
The guys glanced at one another before shaking their heads and backing off.
“What the hell, Zach?” Josie batted my arm. “That was completely... Wait a minute, you didn’t do that for me, you did that—”
“You should go find Joel,” I barked.
“Joel?” she hissed. “I’m not going.... oh.”
I finally looked at Calli. She’d wrapped her arms around her waist and was staring at me like she didn’t recognize me. And maybe she didn’t.
After all, I was different.
But so was she.
“I’ll give the two of you some space.” Josie glanced between us. “See you tomorrow.”
“What? No!” Calli said. “We should go.”
Josie grabbed her hand and pulled her to one side. I watched, rubbing my jaw, trying to work out some of the tension. I half-expected Calli to refuse to come with me, but she didn’t. Josie hugged her, and then Calli stormed past me, making a beeline for the door.
Letting out a harsh breath, I followed. I was an asshole, yes, but I wasn’t about to let her walk home alone. The second I stepped out onto the sidewalk, she was all up in my face though.
“What the hell was that, Zach? Do you have any idea—”
Grabbing her wrist, I yanked her around the side of the bar into the dark alley. “Watch your mouth,” I snapped, feeling a lick of irritation zip up my spine. “I saved your ass back there and you know it.”
“S- saved me? You have got to be kidding me. I was dancing... dancing, Zach. Do you have any idea how deranged you are?”
“He was practically dry-fucking you right there in front of everyone.”
“It’s college,” she cried. “I’m supposed to get dry-fucked on the dance floor.”
My nostrils flared as she narrowed her eyes at me. Closing the space between us, I crowded Calli against the wall, not stopping until a gasp fell from her lips. “Is that what you want? To be someone’s fuck doll? To spread your legs and let some guy, some preppy fucking asshole, get you off? You’re not that girl, sweet pea, and we both know it.”
Anger simmered in her eyes. “You have no idea what kind of girl I am, Mr. Hotshot Basketball Player.” She practically spat the words at me.
Calli hated basketball the way Californian’s hated winter. She blamed it for ruining her family, for taking away her brother.
But what she didn’t realize was, it wasn’t a basketball thing, it was a human thing.
People made choices. They decided who to love and what relationships to nurture. They decided how to prioritize their time and who to let into their lives.
Basketball wasn’t selfish or arrogant or narrow minded.
People were.
And she was right up there with the worst of them.
“Oh, I remember, Calli.” I let my mouth linger near the corner of her lips. “I remember how you like to give it up to monsters hiding in the dark. I remember exactly how you taste, how your breath hitches right before you come. I remember every single thing.”
I wasn’t being fair.
Calli was a good girl. She liked rules and validation and order. But that night, last Halloween, she’d been reckless. She’d thrown caution to the wind and let herself believe that I was still the boy she once loved.
“I hate you,” she breathed, unshed tears clouding her eyes.
My hand slid to Calli’s throat, pinning her against the wall, our lips so close I could almost taste her. “You should. I’m not a good guy anymore, sweet pea. I’m not the hero of this story.”
“I didn’t ask you to be.” There was a hint of sadness in her words. “You ruined my night.”
“I was sav—”
“Saving me? Yeah, keep telling yourself that, Zach.” Her lips twisted into a wicked smirk, setting my teeth on edge. She was mocking me. Little Calliope James was mocking me.
Who the fuck was this girl?
“Know what I think?” she snarled, baring her teeth. “I think you saw that guy touching me and you didn’t like it. Because you still care. That’s why you chased me down last Halloween and that’s why you’re here now. You can’t let me go, just like I can’t let you go. So the question is... what are we going to do about it? Because I need to let you go, Zach...” Pain shone in her eyes. “I need this to be over.”
I jerked away as if she’d slapped me. Who the fuck was she to come into my life and tell me how I felt?
“You think I care?” The words vibrated through me. “The only thing I care about, is not getting chewed out by my teammates for not saving you and Josie from being sexually assaulted by those two guys. Although I’m beginning to think I should have just let him have at it.”
She sucked in a harsh breath, one I felt all the way to the pit of my stomach. But then her eyes narrowed, pinning me in place. “You’re lying.”
Somehow, she’d turned the tables on me, and suddenly I found myself on the back foot.
Well, fuck that.
Fists clenched at my side, I advanced on her again, pressing the entire length of my body against hers. Calli’s breath caught again, as she craned her neck to look at me.
“Let’s get one thing straight, sweet pea. I’m Zachary Messiah. I have a line of girls all looking to ride my dick, all I have to do is say the word. What could you possibly offer me that they couldn’t?”
I expected her to lose it. I expected hitting and yelling and tears. But none of that happened.
Instead, Calli exhaled the softest of breaths as she pressed her hand to my cheek. “Who did this to you, Zach? Who made you this way?”
You, I wanted to roar. You did this.
But she’d managed to disarm me with her brave words and false bravado.
Fine. She wanted to play dirty...
I plucked her chin between my fingers and lowered my face to hers, almost kissing her. Her hands curled around the back of my neck as I felt the fight leave her body.
If I kissed her right now, she’d succumb. She’d opened up for me like a flower.
She’d lose.
“Do you want me, Calli?” I whispered, ghosting my lips over hers, feeling blood pound between my ears and other places. But dicks were fickle things. They didn’t care who the pussy belonged to so long as they got a taste.
“Do y
ou want me to fuck you again?”
“I shouldn’t,” she admitted, her lashes fluttering against my face as her eyes closed.
“But you do, don’t you?” I taunted. “You want me, sweet pea, even after all this time…”
“I’ve tried... I’ve tried so hard to forget about you. You hurt me, Zach. You hurt me so much, but I still want you. I still care about you.”
She was drunk, high on liquid courage. It was the only explanation for her honesty. I, however, was stone cold sober. So there was no excuse for what I said next.
“I wouldn’t fuck you again if you were the last girl on the planet.”
Surprise registered on her face, but it quickly morphed to hurt.
Stark, blinding hurt.
“Y- you bastard.” She slammed her hands against my chest and shoved. Hard. But I barely felt it, taking a step backward. “This is all a game to you, isn’t it?”
“I don’t play games.” I ran a hand through my hair. “I just want you to stay the fuck away from me and the team.”
“Well, that’s tough luck. Josie is my friend, and her brother is on the team. We’re going to be around.”
“Your brother is on the team, but they don’t even know who you are, do they?” My brow arched with accusation.
The blood drained from her face and I knew I’d taken it too far. But she drove me fucking crazy. It wasn’t difficult. Calli needed to stay away from the team, and in turn, I would stay away from her.
“It’s funny,” she laughed bitterly, the sound grating down my spine. “Madison said I needed closure. And I think this is finally it.”
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”
Why did I feel like she was about to pull the rug out from under me?
I was supposed to be in control here.
Me.
“It means stay the fuck away from me, Zach.” She shouldered past me and disappeared into the night.
Leaving me standing there wondering what the fuck had just happened.
Calli
I was ready to start classes. Eager for the distraction and new focus.
After my last run in with Zach, I’d spent the weekend lying low. I didn’t plan on hiding forever, but I needed to regroup.
That night, the night he’d pulled that faceless guy off me at the bar, I’d stupidly thought that maybe he felt it too. The lingering connection. The unfinished business between us.
But I was wrong.
Zach Messiah was a douchebag.
A douchebag I intended on cutting out of my life for good.
It wasn’t like I had no experience of douchebags, so how hard could it be?
A knock at my door alerted me to Josie’s arrival.
“Hey.” I opened it.
“Ready for the first day of the rest of our lives?”
“Hmm, I guess.” She was so weird sometimes.
“You missed a good time last night.”
Josie had joined some of the other girls in our building for pamper night. But I didn’t do well in large groups of girls.
“Maybe next time.” I gave her a tight smile.
“Have you heard from you know who?” Her brows waggled suggestively. That’s what we were calling Zach now.
“Nope.”
“And you’re okay with that?” She eyed me carefully as I hitched my bag up my shoulder and followed her down the hall.
“Zach is in my past. I want to look to my future.”
“Okay... but will you tell me what happened one day?”
“One day.” I nodded.
But not today or the day after that. It was still too raw, too painful.
Maybe it always would be.
One thing was for certain though, Zach—my Zach—was gone.
It was easier to think of my Zach and this Zach, the cold cruel boy with arrogance in his eyes and hatred in his heart, as two completely different people.
“So Joel was asking about you again,” Josie said, pulling me from my thoughts. “Total double standards if you ask me.”
Panic swelled inside me. “He doesn’t know who I am though, right?”
“I haven’t told him, if that’s what you mean.” Her shoulders lifted in a small shrug. “What’s up with that by the way?”
“I told you... it’s complicated.” Clearly Callum didn’t want his teammates to know about me, and I was happy avoiding all the awkward questions.
I knew it would come out eventually.
Secrets always did.
But for now, I wanted to keep my anonymity. I wanted to keep things simple.
We reached the Arts Department and Josie ground to a halt, turning to me. “I know we’ve only known each other a few days, and I know that I’m Joel’s sister and he’s on the team, but I want you to know you can trust me, Calli. I can keep a secret and I think I’m a pretty good listener. So if you ever need to talk...”
“Thanks, that means a lot. It isn’t that I’m trying to be all secretive, it’s just...” I searched for the right word, but Josie beat me to it.
“Families are complicated.”
“Oh yeah, you don’t need to tell me.” My heart cinched.
“Ready?” She glanced at the building.
“As I’ll ever be.” Butterflies beat wildly in my stomach. This was it… college.
“I’ll be done at one, so we can meet and head to Muds?”
“Sounds good.”
“Good luck.”
“You too.” I watched Josie take off toward her building. She was majoring in psychology. I’d always had my heart set on SU’s BA in photography, but then Mom got sick and everything changed, so I’d changed my major to undeclared. I was taking some arts and literature classes. I didn’t want to put pressure on myself to pick up a camera before I was ready.
If I was ever ready again.
My first class of the semester was Nineteenth Century Literature with Professor Harold. I was particularly looking forward to that class since it studied some of the literary greats. I found the room and slipped inside. It was a small theatre style layout with the rows of seats all facing down toward the stage.
Finding an empty seat, I pulled out my notepad and pencil case, a rush of melancholy washing over me. Mom had helped me pick it out. It was a hotchpotch of Alice in Wonderland inspired fabric patches stitched together, and embroidered across the front was the quote, ‘we’re all mad here’.
It had become one of my favorite books while Mom was sick. We’d read it together, and then when she got too sick, I’d watched the movie on repeat, curled up in the chair by her bedside. It was the perfect fantastical escape while watching her deteriorate. She liked the Cheshire Cat with his knowing grin and impossible riddles. I liked Alice with her innocence and wild curiosity. There was something beautiful about the way she embraced the rest of the characters, regardless of their quirks and traits. She accepted them for who they were and the things they loved.
My stomach knotted. Even as a young girl, Alice was everything I wasn’t. Adventurous to my cautionary, curious to my introverted.
“Calli?”
I looked up to find Joel smiling down at me. “Um, hi,” I glanced around, confused, and he chuckled.
“This is Harold’s class?”
“Yeah.”
“I’m in the right place then. Can I?” He motioned to the empty desk beside me.
“Sure. I didn’t know you were taking this class.”
“It’s an elective, I... uh, I have a thing for nineteenth century writers.” He leaned in conspiratorially. “But don’t tell anyone, I have a rep to protect.”
“Your secret is safe with me.” I chuckled.
“And what about your secrets, Calli? Will you trust me with those?” My brows knitted and Joel’s smile slipped. “Joke. I’m joking. Wow.” He pulled his t-shirt at the collar, inhaling a shaky breath. “I really need to work on my game.”
“This is your game?” I teased, and he blanched. “Relax, I’m joking.” Laugh
ter bubbled in my chest.
“Maybe I should go out and come back in and we can start over?”
“Hi, I’m Calli.” I played along.
“Joel. It’s nice to meet you. So you like nineteenth century writers?”
“Oh yeah, they’re my dirty little secret.”
The words just fell out. Joel blinked at me and my cheeks pinked. “I... uh... okay, that came out all wrong.”
“Don’t sweat it, Calli.” He gave me a shy smile. “Your secret is safe with me.”
Joel made it so easy. I didn’t know what it was about him, but there was something.
Those Molineux sure had good genes.
“So how are you enjoying SU so far?”
“It’s okay.” I didn’t meet his eyes.
“Okay? You can’t be doing it right if it’s only okay.” He chuckled quietly, nudging my shoulder, and I finally lifted my gaze to his. “We should go out sometime. I know all the best places.”
“Joel, I—”
“Ouch,” he let out a small hiss, “not the dreaded it’s not you, it’s me speech.”
“I’m just not looking for… that.”
“Whoa, there. It’s just coffee, maybe dinner. I’m not proposing or anything. I wait until at least the third date for that.”
“You’re such a goofball.”
A really good looking goofball with defined biceps and broad shoulders, and he was tall in that way most basketball players were. But most of all, Joel wasn’t angry, and he didn’t look at me with hate in his eyes. It was refreshing. Nice.
It felt safe.
“I’m Josie’s friend.”
“Yeah, I know.” He grimaced. “But I saw you first, that should at least count for something, right?” His grin was infectious, and I found myself smiling back.
“I don’t know.” Because I had secrets, the kind that could make things complicated.
I was Callum’s sister.
If he knew that, he wouldn’t look twice at me. Or maybe he would, but he wouldn’t break his own rule.
I needed to tell him.
I needed to come clean and stop this before it spiraled into something I couldn’t fix.
But as I opened my mouth to confess, to ask him to keep my secret, Professor Harold appeared, and silence fell over the room. “Good morning, students, and welcome to Nineteenth Century Literature.”
