‘Kirsty begged me to take her back,’ I continued. ‘She walks her Nana’s dog on North Beach every Sunday and I always seemed to bump into her when I was walking or running. It was a different technique each time from tears to seduction to pleading temporary insanity because she loved me so much and couldn’t bear being away from me. I never understood that logic. If you miss someone, you send them a text, you look at a photo, you sniff their clothes. You don’t play a game of hide the sausage dressed as a canine.’
Jemma started giggling. ‘Sorry, Sam, I don’t mean to laugh. It’s just that…’ She was laughing so much, she couldn’t finish the sentence. Unlike Nikki’s deep belly laugh, Jemma’s laugh sounded more like a Smurf on helium, and it was unbelievably infectious. I had to concentrate so hard to keep the campervan in a straight line while I laughed along with her. Why hadn’t I seen it before? It was hilarious when you thought about it.
When our giggles subsided, Jemma gently placed her hand on my thigh. ‘I promise I wasn’t laughing at you. What she did was horrendous. It’s just that the thought of her in a doggy gimp outfit is…’ Then we were both off again.
‘Christ, I needed that,’ I said when we finally calmed down. ‘I’ve barely laughed since Nikki died. I certainly haven’t laughed like that. Thank you.’
‘Thank you for sharing your shaggy dog tale with me,’ Jemma said, wiping her eyes.
‘Stop it!’ But we were both off again. My head hurt, my stomach was in agony, but I felt like I’d taken another massive step forward. I’d laughed again: proper side-aching laughter. And I’d laughed about Kirsty when I’d previously only felt bitterness towards her. Jemma had definitely come into my life for a reason.
We travelled in silence for a while after the giggles subsided.
I glanced at Jemma, gazing out the window as we crawled along in the slow lane up a slight incline. ‘What made you ask me about Kirsty? Was it because of Scott?’
She twisted in her seat to face me again. ‘Kirsty was unfaithful and you stood your ground, refusing to take her back. Scott was unfaithful and I was so weak that I took him back the minute he apologised.’
‘It was different for the two of you.’
‘How was it different? It’s still discovering that someone that you love is having sex with someone else.’
I shrugged. It just seemed so different. ‘He loved you. He was going to leave his wife for you. Kirsty wasn’t planning on leaving me. She wanted to have her cake and eat it.’
Her shoulders slumped. ‘Yeah, but he didn’t leave her in the end, did he? What if he was just like Kirsty, with no plans to leave his partner? The only difference is that he was unfaithful with one person instead of a string of them. Or at least I assume there was only me. I should have been strong. I should have told him to get lost.’
She grabbed a wine gum and shoved it in her mouth then groaned. ‘Green. Ew! I thought it was black. If I can’t pick the right bloody wine gum, I’ve got no chance with picking the right bloke, have I?’
‘I’ve just had a thought about why it was easier for me to say no to Kirsty,’ I said. ‘I caught her in the act. I had an adult only movie playing over and over again in my head. You only had whatever you let your imagination create for you and, if you had any sense, you wouldn’t have gone down that route.’ I glanced into the wine gums bag and spotted a red. I fished it out and handed it to Jemma.
‘Thank you,’ she said. ‘You could be right about that. I’d seen photos of them and that hurt, so I tried to avoid thinking about them together.’
‘See. If I’d found out about Kirsty but hadn’t seen it for myself, who knows whether I’d have fallen for one of those reconciliation attempts. I suspect I would have done. I don’t think it would have lasted for long because so much came to light about all the others, but I do think that I’d have given her a second chance because that’s what you do when you love someone. You want them to take that chance and prove you were right to give them it.’
‘Which Scott absolutely didn’t do.’
‘Yeah, but he let you know this time, didn’t he? I know he stood you up but he let you know his decision that night. He didn’t ghost you again and he didn’t string you along believing he was going to leave his wife when he wasn’t going to. You should ask yourself this: If you’d sent Scott away without a second chance, would you have always wondered “what if?” I think you would.’
Jemma reached for another wine gum then paused before putting it in her mouth.
‘Another green one?’
‘No. Orange. They’re good. It’s just the green ones that offend me.’ She chewed on her wine gum and I sensed she was also chewing over what I’d said.
‘You know what you should do?’ she said, when she’d finished her sweet.
‘Remove all the green wine gums from the packet so you don’t have to face that trauma again?’
She laughed. ‘You should do that. But after that, you should leave London, return to Whitsborough Bay, and set yourself up as a mobile counsellor. You could fill Thor with soft cushions and boxes of tissues, and drive up and down the Yorkshire Coast giving out relationship advice or helping people come to terms with their relationship decisions.’
I laughed. ‘Me? Give out relationship advice? With my track record of the extreme measures my last two girlfriends have taken to get away from me?’
‘Seriously! Well, not really. I doubt it would pay much, but you’ve just helped me loads.’
I stole a glance at Jemma to make sure she was being sincere.
‘I mean it!’ she said. ‘I’ve been beating myself up for being weak as usual and letting him back into my life but you’ve just given me a light bulb moment. I had to take that chance. Who knows whether it would have worked out in the long run but I’d never have known if I hadn’t tried.’
‘You’re not weak,’ I assured her. ‘I know we haven’t known each other for long, but I see a fighter. I see someone who picks herself up from all the knocks she gets. I see someone who’s strong.’
‘You really think I’m strong?’
‘Christ, yes! I know you’re devastated about Scott, but you’ve picked yourself up and got on with life. I know you’re devastated about your mum’s diagnosis too, but you’ve just got on with that. You’ve not been happy with the advice you’ve been given, so you’ve sought a second opinion. You’ve been home several times and assessed what’s needed and, as a result, you’ve packed in the job and the life you love, and you’re going home to take control. That’s what a fighter does. That’s what you’ve done.’
As I said it, I realised she’d instilled some fighting spirit back into me too. I was going home for the first time since I’d run away to London, I’d made a decision to visit the spot where it happened, and I’d even started job hunting thanks to Jemma. She was right: London v home. No brainer. I wouldn’t have had the courage to make any of those decisions if it hadn’t been for the strength she’d shown.
Chapter 28
Jemma
* To Sam
Thanks again for moving me home. And for the advice about Mum, the advice about Scott, supporting me when Mum went AWOL, being there to help with Drew, and bearing with me despite all the disruption I’ve brought into your life. I can’t believe we only met 17 days ago! Feels like I’ve known you for years. You probably feel like you’ve aged 17 years after all that drama! Flash Gordon/Thor/Indiana Jones? No. I think you may actually be a real life superhero in your own right. I’d like to return one of the many favours. You have a big challenge to face while you’re home. Visiting the spot where you lost Nikki must be unbearably painful for you. I appreciate that this may be something you want to/need to face alone but if you do need support – even if that’s someone waiting for you in Blue Savannah with a pint and a listening ear after you’ve visited the spot on your own – I’m here for you xxx
*
From Sam
Hope you’re settling in OK and your mum wasn’t too shocked to find you’d moved in when she got home from work. Thanks for your offer. I think I need to do it on my own but the idea of a pint and a listening ear is appealing. You should work in sales! Can I think about it overnight and text you tomorrow? Xx
* To Sam
Of course. This has to be what works for you. The offer’s there and you only need to accept it if it’s what you want/need. This is about you; not me. Mum was stunned. She cried buckets, lectured me for leaving London, then admitted she was relieved to have me home. Phew! Sleep well and may or may not see you tomorrow xx
Sunday morning dawned and I decided to make bacon butties for us all as a special treat before I finished unpacking and worked out what my new routine might look like. Thanks goodness for Sunday closing. Mum had tried opening seven days a week throughout the year, but had found that the Sunday trade outside of the summer and Christmas seasons wasn’t enough to justify the salaries and overheads. It would be the first Christmas Sunday opening in two weeks’ time, though, so things would soon be very full-on.
There was no sign of Mum when I’d finished making butties and drinks so I loaded everything onto a tray and took it up to her bedroom. She sat up and rubbed her eyes.
‘I thought I could smell bacon,’ she said, inhaling.
Sean followed me into Mum’s bedroom, grabbed a butty, smothered it in ketchup, and started munching on it.
‘Plate?’ I questioned, watching a shower of crumbs drop onto the carpet.
He shrugged. ‘Thought I’d save you the washing up.’
‘By creating more hoovering?’ I said, raising an eyebrow at him.
‘I’ll do it. I like hoovering.’
I looked at Mum doubtfully, but she nodded. ‘He really does. He gets Henry out without me even asking, don’t you Sean?’
Sean nodded. ‘What are we doing today, Jemma-bear? Can we go bowling again?’
I grimaced. ‘I’m not sure I can cope with being thrashed by a ten-year-old again.’
He giggled. ‘You were rubbish.’
‘I know! I don’t need reminding. I think I need those barrier things they put up for the little kids and that slide thing for releasing my ball.’
‘So can we?’ He bounced up and down, dropping more crumbs.
‘Why don’t you give Jemma a chance to settle in?’ Mum said, diplomatically. ‘She’s probably got unpacking to do and friends to catch up with.’
‘Tell you what, Sean, how about I promise to take you bowling next Sunday if you let me catch up on a few things today. We’ll see if Karen and Eden are free too. Would that be okay?’
‘Promise?’
‘Pinky promise,’ I said, wrapping my little finger around his and regretting it immediately because his fingers were covered in sticky ketchup.
‘Can I watch cartoons in my room, Mum?’ he asked.
‘Yes. Just not too loud.’
He grinned and ran out of the room, grabbing another butty first.
I pushed the tray to one side and sat down on the edge of Mum’s bed. ‘You two seem a lot happier around each other.’
She nodded. ‘There’ve been no more incidents. The stealing accusation seems to have been forgotten now.’
‘That’s a relief.’ I placed a bacon butty on a plate and passed it to Mum, then took a bite of mine. We ate in companionable silence for a while, but my heart sank as I gazed around her room. I’d been aware that it was a bit messy when I walked in with the tray, but I’d been focussed on not spilling the drinks, then on Sean. Now that I could fully take it in, it was like being in a messy teenager’s room. Wardrobe doors were ajar with outfits thrown over the tops of them, clothes dangled from partly-opened drawers, and there were heaps of dirty clothes on the floor. The bin in the corner was overflowing and discarded make-up wipes were strewn across the chest of drawers holding her mirror. Another part of her orderly life descending into chaos.
‘I know it’s a bit messy,’ she said, noticing my gaze.
‘No, it’s…’ I shook my head, putting half my butty back down on the tray, appetite gone. ‘Yes, it is. Can I help?’
‘It’s fine. I usually have a good tidy up on a Sunday. I’ll do it later. What are your plans?’
‘Hmm?’
‘Jemma!’ Mum said, sharply. ‘Stop looking at the mess. I’ve said I’ll sort it and I will. Remember who the parent is here.’
Thoroughly chastised, I focussed squarely back on her. ‘Sorry. What did you ask me?’
‘About your plans.’
‘Oh, yeah. Well, I might be going out this morning or I might not. You know I told you about Sam, the one who brought me home yesterday? It’s quite a sad story, really…’
Mum drank her coffee while I sipped on a cup of tea and told her about Sam and Nikki.
‘You actually met them shortly after they got engaged. They bought a Ju-Sea Bear to celebrate. Must have been a couple of years ago.’
She shrugged and shook her head. ‘For goodness sake, Jemma. I sell loads of bears. It could have been anyone.’
‘You made a surfboard and a Hawaiian shirt for him,’ I prompted, trying to calm the nerves that swelled up every time Mum couldn’t remember something. To be fair to her, I could have been talking about anyone before, but surely she’d remember the surfing bear, especially as he was quite unique and she’d messaged me with loads of photos at the time.
‘Aw, no! It was them? They were a lovely couple. They were in the shop for ages. I think she’d have gone away with a full hug if she’d had her way.’
I smiled, relieved that she remembered. ‘Sam said she was pretty taken with the bears.’
‘That’s so sad. I remember her being so… what would the word be? Ooh! What’s that word? When someone’s full of life?’
‘Bubbly?’ I suggested.
‘No. Erm… Ooh, I hate it when that happens.’ She slapped her palm against her forehead, clearly frustrated. ‘Full of life. Animated. Energetic. Begins with a v.’
‘Vivacious?’
‘That’s it! Vivacious. That’s what she was like. He seemed quieter, steadier.’
I hadn’t seen any photos of Nikki yet but, from the conversations I’d had with Sam, I had a clear image in my mind of the sort of woman she’d been, both in looks and personality. Vivacious definitely fit with that image.
‘So, I may or may not be going to the beach with Sam,’ I said. ‘I’ve got some more unpacking to do but the most important thing is to talk about you and me and what happens next.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I’m home now and I’m here to help out but I don’t want to take over. I want to understand what would work for you. It’s your home and Bear With Me is your business.’
Silence.
‘Obviously I’m out of work now so I’m kind of hoping I might be able to get my old job back as Assistant Bear-Keeper.’
Silence again. Mum stared at me, her head on a slant, and her eyes narrowed.
I knew I should have just shut up and let her speak. I knew it. Yet I didn’t. Feeling unnerved, I continued wittering. ‘I know you don’t want things to change but surely you know they have to. When you went AWOL the other week, I was so worried about you. I’m still worried. I think you need to slow down. You’ve always taken on so much with the shop, the valuing, the bear-making, the workshops, and you’ve been this amazing woman who’s balanced all those things, run the house, and been a great mum to Sean and me, but it’s too much for you now. Everything’s slipping.’ I didn’t mean to do it, but I waved my hand around her bedroom to illustrate my point. ‘I want to take on some hours at the shop for you, maybe run some workshops. I could even take over the valuing roles. There’s too much pressure and too much travel for you. We could get a cleaner for here. One of Karen’s PT c
lients runs a cleaning company. I could ask her for the details. What do you think?’
Silence. But her cheeks were bright red.
‘Mum?’
‘What do I think? Bloody hell, Jemma! I think you might as well strap a boulder to my legs and push me off Lighthouse Point.’
I flinched. ‘What do you mean?’
‘I mean you’ve obviously thought it all through and you’ve got a master plan which doesn’t feature me at all because you’ve already got me dead and buried. You want to take over my business, my job, and my home. Do you want to play Mum to Sean too because you’re clearly a way better mother figure than me. You’d never accuse him of stealing, would you?’
‘That’s not what I meant.’
‘But it’s what you said, Jemma. You started off by saying you didn’t want to take over and that you wanted to know what would work for me. Then you reeled off a list of what you want to do and what you don’t want me to do. Clearly I don’t have a say in this exciting new life you have planned.’
‘Mum…’
‘I should have known you’d be like him.’
‘Like who?’
‘Your bloody father. Controlling. Demanding. Well you can just sod off back to London and leave me alone. It’s my house and my business and I don’t need you or your dad telling me what to do. I’m better off now that he’s living in Cranton and I can manage perfectly well with you living in London. I don’t need either of you interfering.’
‘Mum! That’s not how I meant any of it.’
‘Really? That’s not what I heard and, to be honest, I’ve heard enough. It’s time to leave.’
‘Mum! We need to talk about this.’
‘You do. I don’t. Go away, Jemma.’
‘Mum!”
‘GET OUT!’ She hurled her mug at the door, spraying cold coffee as it flew. It chipped a chunk out of the wooden door as it smashed, splashing the remnants of her drink down the walls and onto the carpet.
I ran towards the door and carefully gathered the larger fragments in the palm of my hand. ‘I’ll get Henry,’ I muttered through my tears.
Bear With Me Page 19
