I sucked in a breath and willed the spasm in my heart to pass. “If she’s in your head and in your heart, Hyde, then she is a part of you. She’s always going to have a spot in your memories, both good and bad, but you don’t have to share that with anyone else if you don’t want to. That can be something that’s just between you and her, little man.” I hoped that was the right thing to say. I didn’t want his son telling Zeb that I was encouraging him to keep something from him, but I knew how closely I guarded the memories I had of Xanthe and now the ones I hoarded from my time with Ben. It was something special that was just mine, something precious that I didn’t want anyone else to taint or tarnish. Those memories were what kept me going when the days felt endless and keeping it together felt impossible. I didn’t want anyone else’s fingerprints all over them, so I wouldn’t blame Hyde for wanting to keep the few good moments his mother had given him all to himself.
Hyde stuck out his lower lip and pulled his eyebrows low over his emerald eyes. “I think my mom can stay up here and I’ll tell the teacher about Sayer instead. She looks like a princess and makes me pancakes in the morning.”
Sayer Cole was the attorney who had enabled Zeb to get custody of Hyde, and somewhere along the way, the buttoned-up, prim and proper lawyer had fallen for both of the Fuller boys. She was everything secure and safe that Hyde needed in his life and I couldn’t find an ounce of resentment toward the woman who would be raising my best friend’s son. In fact, every single time I was in the other woman’s presence, I was inspired to get my shit together and keep it that way. We all owed her a lot, and because she was nothing but class and heart, she refused to acknowledge it.
“I think that sounds like a good plan, little man. Your dad will be all over you telling the world how great Sayer is.” I pulled the SUV up in front of the impressive house Zeb had fully restored for Sayer when they first met. It took a couple minutes to get him out of the car and up to the front door, and by the time I had him wrangled, hand clasped firmly in mine, the front door was open and Zeb was leaning against the jamb. The dark hair, flannel shirt, worn jeans, and meticulously groomed beard all reminded me of another man and another place. It almost hurt to look at him. I missed Ben every second of every day. I tried not to let longing and yearning overtake my entire life, but it was a constant struggle. I woke up lonely and went to bed aching. I’d never been a patient person and the more time that passed, the less confidence I had that he would figure out a way to come for me.
Loud and messy was a lot less fun when it came from an adult woman who was holding her life and herself together with nothing more than a hope and a prayer.
Hyde threw himself into his father’s legs while prattling on about how he guessed it was okay that Remy made it into his book and how he wanted to make sure he included the fact that our pizza dinner dates were really important to him. Zeb squeezed his son’s shoulder and sent him into the house with a smile and a knowing look as I put a hand over my heart.
“He’s good at hitting that soft spot without even trying.” The big man lifted his eyebrows at me. “You all right? You look a little like you swallowed something sour.”
I shook my head and huddled deeper into my jacket. “Still trying to find my footing after losing my sister, ya know?”
That jade gaze missed very little. “Is that so? Because you’ve been more off since you got back than you were before you left. Normally, I’m not the type to pry, but you matter to my kid. He loves you, and he’s had enough people that he cares about let him down, so I just want to make sure you aren’t about to go off the rails on us, Echo.” He cocked his head to the side and watched me carefully. “You aren’t alone anymore.”
Good God, did those Fuller boys know how to get right into the center of a heart and turn it all around. I reached up and pushed some of my hair off of my face and managed a weak smile. “I’m not going off the rails or over the edge. Some days it takes everything I have to hold on, but I do it, Zeb. I hold on for dear life. I lost my friend. I lost my sister. I lost my way and my heart.” I shifted my feet and told him honestly. “Somewhere in all of that loss, I found myself. I’m not going to let that little boy down and no matter what, I’m not going to let myself down anymore.”
I got a terse nod, followed by a hug that swallowed me up. He was such a good man, but instead of envying Sayer for all that she had, his embrace made me long for what I didn’t have. I didn’t want a hug from a good man. I wanted a bad man to hold onto me and promise that he would never let me go. I wanted him to remind me that his bad made my bad look like child’s play and that our good was even more special than most because it had to fight its way to the surface. It did battle to survive inside the wasteland of our tattered souls.
“I’ll text you and make plans for next week. I would love to see what makes it in the ‘About Me’ book when he’s done with it. That kid has more going on inside than I ever did. He makes me feel like I still have a whole lot to learn about life and love.” I wanted to know what made him happy and see what his new life was like through his eyes. He deserved so much more than he’d been given at the beginning and I wanted to make sure all the adults that loved him were coming through for him, myself included.
Zeb snorted and turned back to the open doorway. “Join the club. I had no idea what I was capable of or how much of myself I could give to another person until he came along. It was like I was sleepwalking and the minute you showed up and told me I was a father, I woke up. I wouldn’t have it any other way because I don’t want to miss a minute of his life from here on out. We’ll see you next week, Echo.”
I turned on my heel and made my way back to the SUV with a lump in my throat. I was always emotional after I dropped Hyde off, but I’d been even more so since my return home. Zeb had told me I wasn’t alone, but the truth was I very much was alone while I waited. No one else knew about the man I’d met on the mountain. No one knew my heart was a million miles away and struggling to beat through pain and desperation. No one knew that I felt untethered and adrift, that nothing seemed worthwhile while I waited to see if I mattered as much to him as he mattered to me. I’d given him an impossible task, one that I logically knew he would need time to accomplish, but the longer he took, the more time that passed, the more I had to wonder if he’d decided I wasn’t worth the effort. No one could bide their time or wait for me, so I did it alone and it ate at me. Every day another piece was bitten off and spit out as minutes spiraled into hours that we didn’t get to have together.
Just like Zeb, I didn’t want to miss a minute of the life Ben had been given a second shot at living, but I was missing millions of them and there was nothing I could do about it.
If I hadn’t been lost in my melancholy, I probably would have noticed the very out of place sports car that was parked in front of my apartment building. It was completely impractical for Colorado weather and I didn’t live in the best neighborhood, so it was like a beacon calling for every criminal within a ten-mile radius. If I’d taken note of the car, I would have also noticed the faint hint of coconut and honey that lingered in the hallway as I trudged toward my door. My keys rattled in the lock and my breath left my lungs in a whoosh as the door swung open before I could turn the knob. Hard hands gripped my upper arms and I was pulled into my apartment with enough force that my purse went flying in one direction and my keys in the other.
I opened my mouth to scream but never got a single sound out.
Warm lips latched onto mine as those hands curled around my back and pulled me to a familiar chest that was covered in an obviously expensive button-down shirt and bisected by a super soft silk tie. I knew that heartbeat as well as I knew my own. It was the one I dreamed of at night and the one I listened for every moment that I was awake. His facial hair was much shorter than it had been the last time I saw him, neatly trimmed against his jaw and around his mouth. It was all executive and zero lumberjack, but it still felt amazing as it brushed across my chin and rubbed against my c
heeks. I’d missed everything about him but the shallow part of me put his beard at the top of the list.
His hair was shorter and more severely styled than it had been in the woods and he’d traded his work wear for a suit that looked like it cost a year’s worth of rent. The heavy black boots were also gone and polished wingtips winked up at me from the dingy carpet of my apartment. The gaudy ring on his finger was now joined by another one on his opposite hand and the watch I’d been sleeping with, keeping it stashed under my pillow, was now wrapped around his wrist, looking like it had always belonged there. Everything on the outside was new and unknown, but those gleaming gray eyes and the smirk that told me he knew I was taking inventory and liking everything I saw were all the same.
So was the way he kissed me.
It was ruthless. It was desperate. It was hungry and hard. It was desperate, like we would never have enough time together.
His hands fisted in my hair as he continued to devour my mouth while he walked me backward toward the front door, which he had closed at some point. Once I hit the barrier, he pressed the entire length of his body along mine and finally released my lips so we could both drag in some much-needed air. He shoved one of his legs between mine and untangled one hand from my hair so he could wrap his fingers around my jaw. He brushed his thumb over my lower lip and smiled at me as I lifted both my arms up to wind around his neck. It was the first time I could hold him the way I wanted to and I thought my entire being was going to come apart at the seams from the way I was vibrating with relief and delight.
Now that my head was no longer spinning from fear and excitement, I noticed that he looked thinner and that he had lines fanning out from the corners of his eyes that hadn’t been there before. He also had a cut on his cheek that was being held closed with a couple of steri strips and what looked like a healing black eye that had hit the yellowish green phase of bruising. The suit looked good on him. It was obviously made to fit his bulk and build but it did little to hide the stiffness in his movements as he bent forward to touch his lips to mine, softer and sweeter this time.
“Missed the way you taste, Pop-Tart.” His fingers dug into my jaw as his breath danced over my now wet and swollen lips. “Missed this smart mouth and all of this hair.” He dragged the tip of his nose along the curve of my cheek and touched his lips to my ear. “Missed this soft skin and those long fucking legs.” His leg shifted between mine so that my center was pressed tightly against his thigh. “Missed that sweet pussy and those perfect tits of yours, Snow White.” He pulled back so that we were eye to eye, both of us breathing hard as we tried to catch up with our racing hearts. “I really just missed everything about you, Echo.”
I nodded and tightened my hold on his neck. “I missed you too, Ben.” That was an understatement if there ever was one. I felt like I’d been frozen in place and he was the only thing that could warm me up and get me going again.
He grinned at me and shook his dark head. “Not a Ben anymore, babe.”
I frowned up at him and he pressed even more fully into me. “What does that mean?”
“It means that Ben can’t be here but Nicholas Benton can.” He lifted his eyebrows at me. “I think you can call me Benny from here on out and no one would question it because of the last name.”
I blinked at him and let out a shuddering sigh. “How did you end up here…Benny? How did you find me?” Denver wasn’t exactly a small town and I hadn’t given him my address or anything.
He let his head fall until his forehead touched mine. I could feel the weight of the world pressing down on his back but luckily, I was there to keep him upright, to keep him from getting crushed by it.
“Does the how matter? It’s the why that you should focus on.” He kissed me again, pushing off the door and taking me with him. “I’m here because you’re here, Echo, and that’s the only place I ever want to be. Even if it means I have to make deals with the devil.”
I gave him a hard look, knowing there was a story there that I was going to need sooner rather than later. He had to know I would take him however he came, and that included tainted and tarnished. Logically it made no sense. We barely knew each other, but somehow, some way we knew enough to know this was it.
“Is there room under your new leaf for deals with the devil?” I gave a yelp of surprise as his hands went to my waist. He lifted me up onto the counter that separated my kitchen from the small living area, and stepped between my legs. His hands skimmed over my shoulders, taking my coat with them as they found their way to my collarbone.
“As it turns out, my new leaf is still attached to the same ole tree. The only thing I care about is that you’re under that leaf when it gets turned over.” He put his hand over my heart and closed his eyes as it danced against his palm. “Are you going to be there? Can you handle the fact that all I have to offer is fruit from a poisoned tree?”
I waited a beat, a second that had my entire future caught inside of it. If I told him I couldn’t handle it, that who he really was wasn’t good enough for me, he would go, and I would never see him again. When he got tired of waiting for my answer and pried his long, dark lashes up, I saw the truth clearly in his eyes. He would walk away because he wasn’t going to apologize for who he was, but I could also see that he was going to try his best to be a man that no one needed to apologize for.
“I’m right here, Benny. I’m not going anywhere, even if the tree gets chopped down and takes all the leaves with it. I’ve been waiting for you to find me.” And once he had, he’d managed to lead me to myself.
His hand tightened on my shoulder and his eyes briefly closed. He let out a sigh of relief that almost blew me back and when he opened his eyes, I could see that I had given him something he would cherish forever. “I found you in the middle of a blizzard, on the side of a mountain, Pop-Tart. I will always find you, anywhere, everywhere you happen to be.” It almost sounded like a threat, but his roughly spoken words made me happier than I’d ever been in my life. I always felt like the people I loved were letting me go and here he was, promising to hold on forever.
He cleared his throat and pulled me closer so that I had to wrap my legs around his waist to avoid toppling off the counter and onto the floor.
“Well, then, we only have one problem left to solve.” His deep voice rasped against my skin as his lips touched the pounding pulse point on the side of my neck.
I squirmed against him in anticipation and offered up a breathy, “What’s that?”
“How do I get you out of your clothes and get inside of you before I lose my mind? Like I said, I really fucking missed you, Echo. You’ve been burned into my brain and branded on my heart. The thought of you makes me hard but the reality of having you, of knowing I get to keep you, well, that makes me feel like I’m going to break in half. If there is something more than hard, that’s what my dick is right now.”
I groaned in anticipation and smiled up at him. “Good thing you’ve never met a problem you couldn’t solve. I’m sure you’ll figure it out in no time.”
Neither one of us would ever be the kind of people that could be described as good (I was obviously a lot closer to redemption than he was but only because he showed me the way to get there) but there was no arguing that we were great together.
Neither one of us had ever been better.
Chapter 12
Benny
I leaned into her, pushing her back onto the counter, feeling like I was finally right where I was meant to be. She was the promise of everything that could be. She was the fairy tale come to life. She was the dream I got to have while I was wide awake. She was what kept me going, what kept my head on straight when I submerged myself back in the sludge and slime that infiltrated every corner of my hometown. She was the thing that kept me focused when all the familiar temptations that had led me to being a man with no morals and no ethics reared their ugly little heads and beckoned me closer.
She was the reason I had gone to see my mom and tried to
make amends and rebuild bridges I’d burned. I tried to tell her I was a changed man, that I was moving forward, making better choices, but too much water had passed under that broken bridge, too many years of her being disappointed in me. She sent me on my way with a goodbye and a “I don’t ever want to see you again.” She still refused to touch the money that I left in an account for her and, even though the petty part of me was tempted to clear it out and blow it on something extravagant, I refrained. I did, however, clear out all the accounts I had open under an alias the feds had never found and bought myself a new wardrobe, which was a lot like my old wardrobe, and a new car. I was supposed to blend in, but I’d always had a preference for things that stood out. Like Nassir said, I was never a stupid man so I’d been smart with all my ill-gotten gains over the years. I had plenty to sustain my new, legal and legit lifestyle, even if came with the flash and fancy of my old one.
It took longer than I thought it would to get a lead on the girl Nassir wanted me to find. I knew every alley and hole the rats in the Point hid in. I wasn’t as familiar with the fancy hotel bars and corporate meeting rooms the guys running the affluent part of the city conducted business in. It was easy to see why Nassir sent me in for him once I got through the glass doors. These guys were all aging, doughy, pale skinned billionaires that would never let a guy with a questionable heritage and known criminal background sully their pristine country club grounds. They really did put the white in white collar crime. On the streets, it didn’t matter what you looked like or where you came from. The man with the most respect and the baddest reputation was the one in charge, and I had to say I preferred it that way. In the Point, loyalty was earned; here on the Hill it was purchased. Once I was back in my old skin, I fit right in and it only took a few pointed questions, a little bit of blackmail, and one fight with the mayor’s paid protection. I held my own but I’d been out of the brawling business for a while, so he got in a lucky shot. By the time it was all said and done, I had a solid lead on the girl and enough information to get the devil off my back—as well as a black eye and some busted ribs.
Avenged: A MacKenzie Family Novella (The MacKenzie Family) Page 12
